How Will She Tell Her Husband She Tested Positive To HIV?

"If I tell my husband, the marriage will cut off." What she meant was that the marriage would be called off, her husband would leave her.

As she spoke I listened and watched her intently.
She struggled to blink back the tears that were threatening to fall.
I had a hard time holding mine back too.

"I cannot tell her and it's disturbing me." She said. 

Her here is her husband. She had warned me that she couldn't speak fluent English and I switched to Pidgin.

"Madam no shaking o, I be Warri girl." I said.
We all laughed but she continued the conversation in English - broken English.

This happened a few days ago. I am working on a Special Report about how Antenatal Care (ANC) aids the Prevention of Mother To Child Transmission (PMTCT) of HIV and had to interview her.

She is living with HIV but have had children who are negative. She contracted the virus when she had a blood transfusion after her first child was born. She lost a lot of blood and had to be given blood which apparently wasn't screened leaving her with HIV. She only got to find out when she got pregnant with her second child and had to attend Antenatal Care. She was tested for HIV and came out poisitive. 

How would she tell her husband?

She was certain that he would send her out if he knew. He too had to be tested without his knowledge and the results showed he is negative. 

It's been 3 years since she found out about her status and she has had her third child yet her husband isn't aware of her HIV status. I asked if they have sex without condoms and she nodded. I knew immediately that her viral load is suppressed, this also means that she's been adherent with the Anti-Retroviral Therapy (ART).

I asked if her husband hasn't asked why she's always taking medication or suspected anything.

"I hide the drugs from him. He doesn't know." She replied and added, "I know the person I have, if he finds out he will treat me badly and insult me. The marriage will end. This is my problem."

She was tearful as she spoke. My heart went out to her. She already knows her marriage isn't for better or worse.
I do not know which is worse, living with the virus or knowing one cannot count on their partner for support. We agreed that her face would have to be blurred on TV as we cannot have her husband or family members finding out about her HIV status on TV.

As I headed back to work, I couldn't stop thinking about her. Living with such a secret cannot be easy. 

I spoke to my colleagues about her story afterwards and most of the guys who are married said she should have told her husband. When I asked how they would respond, most said they would end the union.

So would you blame her for keeping mum especially in a patriarchal society like ours?

In my opinion I think the worst thing that can happen to anyone in marriage would be to have a partner that you cannot open up to about everything.
In marriage two become one and that's why we are to be very careful in choosing our partners because while traveling alone might be hard, feeling lonely even when you have company has to be harder.

Her story chronicles that of many married women in Nigeria. They are married as a duty and the men are lords doing them a favor so they bear the brunt of whatever challenge the family faces on the journey. The man almost always has the final say and this is mostly because most women are dependent on the men - financially.

Love really is a choice that we have to make over and over again.

P.S: The World Health Organization reports that Nigeria has the highest number of HIV infected babies.
Only 40% of pregnant women attend Antenatal Care in Nigeria according to the Federal Ministry of Health so if we must reduce the number of babies born with HIV, more pregnant women need to attend Antenatal Care.

Today I Call Him Eben, For Short

I still remember that morning in March.

I had woken up with a start, my heart heavy with a weight that had become familiar. That morning though, unlike in the past days, weeks and months I heard his voice. It was subtle but clear. I could almost picture his face, see him, touch him even. He seemed to be looking at me arms akimbo and then seem to place one hand on his cheek. The pose you take when giving someone rapt attention.

The look in his eyes seemed to say "Okiemute you can do better than this. I made you for more. Called you for more."

I looked at him briefly and looked away, I was ashamed. I was in a place I had no business being in, doing what I shouldn't even have contemplated. 
Then I looked at him again.
The look in his eyes wasn't one of reprimand, he seemed to be saying "Come home Okiemute, let's work this out together."
"You mean I don't have to do this on my own?" I asked.
"No you don't. You just didn't reach out for help but now I wouldn't wait for you to reach out. I will help you if you let me."

I still remember clearly because on that morning I burst into tears and reached out to him. I had thought I had gone too far because even when I tried, I couldn't help myself.

He held me.

It was an intimate embrace, one of reassurance. The kind you give to a beloved who strayed from home. The kind that says "Welcome home. You are safe here."

On that day in March, as he held me I spoke to him. Saying how sorry I was, promising to do better if he stood by me. And I made a commitment to never turn away again if he caused a change that is evident. He promised and I began a new journey with him - again.

That day I wrote out the things I wanted and even though I wasn't sure how I would get them, I decided to trust him.
Days turned into weeks and though it seemed like not much had changed, the metamorphosis had begun. I had cleaned my closet and was collecting new things, habits, building new relationships. 

Weeks turned into a month, a month became months and before long it was evident that a new thing had begun for me. He kept his part of the deal and surprised me in ways I never imagined. It was like a dream, this man. He is full of pleasant surprises.

"Why didn't I do this before now? Why did I wait so long? Better late than never" I told myself as I basked in the euphoria of being 'HIS'.

Sometimes I wasn't sure what step to take but I walked nonetheless, with him. He had shown that he is the way.

It's been 9 months since that day in March - about the time of life. A woman who took in then would have been close to birthing or may have birthed her baby by now. I too like that woman have fruits to show - not of the womb but of life. Grace.

The conversation I had with him that morning has birthed change. I am light years from where I was on that day in March and the days before - I am a different girl. The saved girl.

Today I had a conversation with him again, recalling that day in March when he reached out to me and began a refurbishment, remodeling, rehabilitation, renovation in my life.

Today I call him Eben, an abbreviation or derivation if you like of his name Ebenezer meaning Helper. 

The Helper! Ochuko!

He showed up in the nick of time. If you dare, you too can reach out to him. He is the King who came to serve and save.
You too may call him Ebenezer if you like or Eben for short. You can even call him Emmanuel - God with us. Or simply Father.
Whatever name you choose, He will answer if you are sincere.

1 Samuel 7:12 "Then Samuel took a stone, and set [it] between Mizpeh and Shen, and called the name of it Ebenezer, saying, Hitherto hath the LORD helped us."

In 2019 Put Your Best Foot Forward

I have just bought a new pair of shoes. It was love at first for me when I laid eyes on them - clear leather, ankle length, peep toe gladiator sandals with furry zipper head in front - they are a beauty to behold! 

As I strutted in front of the mirror wearing the shoes I smiled. I mentally paired them with my dresses in my head. I can't wait to rock them because when I do, I'll be putting my best foot forward.
As I studied the shoes later at home, I asked myself again "would I really be putting my best foot forward just by wearing these shoes?"

Don't I need to bring more to the table? Is my value in me or my shoes? How do I really put my best or at least a good foot forward? What do I really want? How do I get it? Whom do I need to relate with to get it? Where should I go to get it? Am I on the path to getting that which I want? How do I exercise my faith for all I want?

I'm no expert life coach neither do I have it altogether but I can say from experience that writing what you want to see is a good way to start. 

This is being deliberate, acting on your faith.

Let me state that as simple as this sounds it is not easy but you must write what you want so it doesn't end as a mere wish. Then take steps - any step is better than nothing. Then press daily.
The thing about pressing from experience is that day after day it may seem like nothing is changing but you would look back after a while to realize that your consistency has attracted the people you need for your dream and you are well on your way.

So, what do you want in 2019? Same old people you hung out with in 2018? Same neighbourhood? Same results? Same struggles? Same excuses?

We should put our best foot forward in the New Year because our lives and future depend on it.

Be deliberate in your relationships, not everyone deserves a seat at your table. Don't be afraid to eat alone, just be sure you are cooking a damn good meal. Surround yourself with people who will spur you on and cheer you when you achieve little successes as well as hold your hand on the days when it feels like you are still at the same point you started at.
Keep writing all you want, no matter how little or big - my list is looooooong - and give thanks as you tick things off your list.

A New Year is upon us and blessings innumerable will fall on you but you must position yourself to receive them.

In 2019 put your best foot forward, not just in what you wear but in how you act, what you feed your mind and who you choose.

Put your best foot forward every single day because you will never know whose attention you will get or how far your feet will take you.

Are you ready? I think I am!

P.S: If you ever see me strutting in my beautiful shoes, don't forget to Holla!

The Rest of Your Life Begins Today

"Still cooking?" He asked.
"Yes."
"Okay. So would you let me know when you are done?"
"Yes." I replied again even though I knew I wouldn't. "It may take a little longer though." I added.
"No problem" he responded, "I will wait."

As the call ended I dropped my phone and added seasoning to the Banga soup I was cooking. I knew that in less than 2 minutes I would turn off the Gas cooker and would be done with cooking but I was in no mood to go out or socialize because I WAS TIRED.
I am not just talking about physical tiredness. I have recently had to deal with disappointment as well as mentally tasking challenges and I was tired - of socializing, forming new relationships, opening up, meeting one more new person who says sweet things without thinking.
As I thought about everything, I wondered if I was holding myself from better and I realised that sometimes we get too tired by all that has happened to us that we may not know when we are being called to something better.
This isn't just about work but about life.

I have learned that sometimes we are too stuck on yesterday to hear God say it's time to move on.

Sometimes you are too exhausted by your past experiences that you can't discern God calling you to a new thing.

This may be you today too, the money probably didn't come as you expected, friends turned their backs and even backstabbed you, your heart got hurt, things didn't go exactly as you envisaged and now you are too tired by all the experiences that you just want to sleep or probably have a drink and forget it all.
You need to remember though that if God led you through it all, it is because he has better in store. He led you through so he may usher you into newness and your past is never greater than his promises over your life.
You may have had a bad year, may have let God and others down, may have broken the promises and vows you made, may have had to pay dearly for your mistakes, may have dropped the ball and given up, may be too tired now but a new chapter is opening.
You may be going through hell but why stop in hell? 

I have learned also that if we could get a sneak preview of our future, we would stop staying stuck in our past or indulging in certain things today.

So leave the set of emotions you are holding onto. Let it all go. Forget what they said, stop seeking closure, stop living in what hurt you because what God has in store is better than what hurt you in the past. God always has a better today, with him there is no better yesterday - I say this from experience. When we fail he is still faithful, when we mess up he is still merciful and our mistakes cannot disqualify from what he has in store for us. He will do what he said, bless you, supply your needs and you will see that everything worked out for your good.
His wrath endures for a moment but his mercy endures FOREVER! Psalm 30:5.

Note though that if God doesn't journey with you in your new phase, defeat will be inevitable - again.

So today commit to pursue his presence in an unprecedented way. Hunger for his presence because what you did for him in the past wouldn't be sufficient in this new season.

I have learned also that I'm not smart enough to make the right decisions, I am not strong enough to see myself through, all the monies in the world wouldn't help me buy my way out, I don't have enough friends to pull me through and that's why I need him. He is the Vine and I am a branch.

He may not always answer as we desire. He may not repair that relationship. He may not change the result of the test. He may not give you that Evoque now. He may not give you what you ask for but he will set you on a rock. He will keep you stable in the midst of challenges. He will hold you when everything else is falling apart.

You may be tired afterall that happened in 2018 - too tired to try again, too tired to love again, too tired to hold on to your dreams again, too tired to believe that things may be different this time, too tired of hearing that it is your season for change but you need not fret about 2019 because we serve a God who goes before us.

Believe and know that He has gone ahead of you and has seen what the 12 months of 2019 holds. 

Today as it stands,  is the beginning of the rest of your life so change your attitude.

2019 will be GOODER than 2018. 

P.S - I still didn't go out though. I chose Ice-cream, Foxs' Chunkies Cookies and a book titled 'Love Letters In the Sand' over socializing with another human being. Can you imagine?
I also listened to messages by Reverend Howard John-Wesley - he inspired this post.
Tomorrow I'll open up to newness, today let me just eat biko.

Life Isn't A Movie, Virgins Don't Always Marry Faithful Men

"Haba, what is happening?"

That was my reaction as the scene in the movie showing on TV unfolded before my eyes. The people who were exchanging blows and fighting the Kungfu kind of fight just seconds ago were kissing passionately before eyes.

"What happened?" I asked no one in particular. I was home alone.

"This is serious o." I said as they moved from kissing to taking off their clothes. I really didn't understand what was happening because I muted the volume of the TV and only glanced occasionally while typing on my phone and listening to music from my Playlist.
This kiss wasn't small o. The tonguing graduated to necking, heavy petting and just when my eyes widened in what would happen next as they took off their clothes, the scene ended - they let my imagination run wild at 12:24am. Izzit fair?

At that point I tried to check the movie info - title and synopsis - but it didn't show - I guess it is the network. I still do not know the storyline but as I watched on I reminded myself that life isn't a movie.
You can't always predict the outcome of an event.

In a movie you could be sworn enemies today and the next minute you are best friends probably kissing but in reality, you could be sworn enemies today and tomorrow they are trying to just end it all by killing you.
Wouldn't you run for your life, what are you doing? 

That's it, unless you are keeping company with God - the difference maker.
"Okiemute are you about to preach again?" I hear you ask.
"No, I am only reiterating the truth."

  have learned that unlike in movies, we can't always predict the future, the protagonist doesn't always defeat the antagonist. What that simply means is that the 'actor' doesn't always kill the 'boss' in the last fight - that resonates better right? Is there even a last fight in reality? We may have to ask Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In reality Cinderella has to turn her house girl skills to a cleaning business because no Prince wants a girl whose only attraction is a glass shoe she didn't even work for. Leave matter for Mathias abeg.

In reality the Black Panther would have died and stayed dead because there is no plant to bring him back. Wakanda nonsense fabu (it's how called Fable back in the day) is that?

In reality a Christian girl is still being held captive in Northeastern Nigeria because she refused to deny her faith.

In reality virgins do not always marry men who worship them and are faithful because sometimes all they have to offer is an 'unbroken hymen'. There's got to be more baby.

"Haba, they are kissing again o, this people. Chai, it is even more intense than the first scene and it's 12:41am. They have offed clothes o."

I need to close my eyes and that means I can't write anymore. Anyway before I go, remember that life isn't a movie.
Things may not always pan out as envisaged.

God is the only constant and there are no guarantees Sweetheart, none other but him.

Love, Hate, Ambivalence and Everything In between

"Okiemute, seems like everyone is using you again." He said.
"Seems like it o", I responded. My voice sounded shrill even in my ears.
Do you know why?" He asked.
"Uhmmmm...well", I said and before I could say anything he added.
"It's because you are valuable. You give your best and it's easy to see."

That was my mentor and I conversing. He had called unexpectedly to tell me he was in the country as well as ask about my progress at work.

To be honest, the past weeks and months have been a rollercoaster of events, meetings, deadlines briefings and more deadlines but I am grateful for the gift of work, knowing my presence and talent makes a difference and that the success of some things depends on my availability.

This is purpose, my raison d'etre.

I have also had a series of answered prayers and I love my job.

We had this conversation about a month ago.

Fast forward to today and I wasn't so sure about this love anymore and I'll tell you why.

I had gone with a colleague to get books. Okay, he was the one that wanted books, I on the other hand wanted to get drinks for a private party I was organising for Me, Myself and I.
We would first pick his books and then go get my drinks.

As we got into the mall a photographer approached us taking pictures of us and I decided to oblige him. I told my colleague to give me a few minutes and that's how the picture above was taken.

As soon as we got into the book shop, several titles jumped at me and I knew I was definitely going to buy them. As I conversed with the attendant in charge about the books I liked, my phone rang. It was my line manager calling. I noted that I was out getting stuff😜 and would be with him shortly. Almost 15 minutes later and after his third call I rushed out to meet him. I promised my colleague that I would back shortly.

"Okiemute you need to go to Mississippi."
That was the first thing my Line Manager said as soon as I apologized for taking a little time.
"Where's that?" I asked.
"It's at Maitama."

A Lawmaker's house had been invaded by armed security men and I had to go do a report on what was happening.

"Alright Sir." I said as I kissed books and drinks goodbye. My private party plans had just ended - I felt like my privacy had been invaded too and I wasn't sure about this love for work anymore.
I just kept thinking all sorts of things. This holiday season is when these people chose for their drama, imagine!

I love my job and on the days when the love isn't strong I tell myself "work is a bitter pill you swallow."

But today? It was a feeling of ambivalence - I had mixed feelings.

"What if I was in the middle of #&*$%, is this how I would have been called?"

Anyway that was how the next 3-4 hours of my day was spent monitoring happenings of the incident, doing interviews and reporting it.

Fast forward to a few hours later - I had finished my report, edited the interviews/telephone conversations with the parties concerned and was home watching the news when my report on the story which is probably the hottest news story at this time came on.

I smiled as I felt like a mother holding her baby for the first time after 9 months of pregnancy, like a lover reuniting with their beloved after months apart, like a Politician winning an election after months of campaigning and making promises he knows he will not keep.

I was on the phone with my brother at the time and I held the phone close to the speakers so he could hear my report. I was elated.

Oh and by the way I still bought two books 'Don't die on Wednesday' and 'Urichindere'.

I also had Whisky in the fridge so I was also able to have my private party.

As I sipped my drink I saw the comment on our platform by the National head of my department "Nice story Okiemute. You used good judgement."

A good day it was right? There is indeed a God...okay bye!

Dear Mr Fix It

Dear Mr Fix It,

How are you today? I know you are perfect, just and all-powerful but I'm asking anyway.

Today I am writing you to reach out to you as a friend. Nothing more, a friend because I really need one just like you - big, strong, powerful and reliable. 

I am taking a break from my pursuit of purpose to reach out to you and to tell you that sometimes it gets hard. It does. I admit that too many times I have tried to do it by myself but I have paid a lot of prices for that and I have learned. Now I need you to love me to the truth, I want love's perfect work to be done in me.

Captain of my destiny, today I want you to take me and fix anything that's broken in me. You have done so much for me so forgive me if I seem like an ingrate but you said to cast 'all' of my cares on you and to come unto you when I feel weary. So today I come - again, trusting that you would not turn me away. I drift away and try to be strong on my own but not anymore - today I come to you.

Today I cast my cares at your feet, trusting you to take care of me. Today I lay my burdens before you because when I walk away, I'll be free - free of worries, concerns and cares.

On this first day of December I say unashamedly that I can't do life on my own, I always make a mess of myself when I try. I open up to you, search me, quench the thirst in my soul, fill the void in my heart and strengthen me for the journey ahead especially as I enter a new phase of my life. Make me whole. I know you can if I let you do it, so I'll let you. I'll let go and let you fix me. I am not here to ask for money or fame but that you teach me where to go, who to trust, how to love...I try but I falter, fall and fail.

I come to you because I have tried you and I have found you to be worthy. I now know that my world is better with you in it. Be my Saucer to catch whatever I let slip.

Today I want to be held, held by arms firm and strong. I want a shoulder to lean on, big bold shoulders but I'll lay me down to sleep and rest knowing that I'm safe in the arms of your love cos it has been you all along. It is you who love all my curves, edges and imperfections. It has always been you.

I seek you today and I'll keep seeking and running after you. Why? I'm lost without you, that's why. 

Without you I'm like a Monarch without a Kingdom, a Ship without Sail, a Groom without a Bride, a Day without the Sun, a Song without Lyrics, a Bird without Wings, a Heart without a Beat and what's a Heart without a Beat?

Mr Fix It, I am glad I found you.

December Is Here!

December is here. My favourite month of the year.

May your hopes and dreams come true this month.

Welcome to December!

Adult Conversations At Work - Bananas Are Good For You

"Okiemute bite that Banana let me see."

It was Dan daring me.

I kept a straight face as I continued my perusal of the Letter of Invitation my Boss had handed to me, I had a Banana in one hand.

"Okiemute can you hear me?"

I looked up as he said "stop pretending to be serious o, bite that Banana."

I smiled as I looked at the Banana he had dared me to bite. I had peeled it but was yet to eat it. I made to eat it but couldn't.

Who knew eating a Banana could be this difficult?

These people have succeeded in polluting my mind o.

"Bite the Banana babe" Dan continued his teasing, at this point my other colleagues stood watching me.

I wanted to bite again but couldn't so I made to break the Banana. Who breaks Bananas? Everyone burst into laughter. You want to break it? Is that what you will do with Banana? Break it?

"I honestly can't eat this Banana anymore"
I said as I finally bit into it. The laughter continued and I joined in. My colleagues can be crazy and once in a while we have conversations like this.

I had bought Bananas and as they took a piece each the conversation started.

It was Kunle that first accused Betsy of liking Banana too much.
"The way you are eating this Banana, it's obvious you looooove Bananas" he stressed 'Love'.
"I can't do without it o", she responded.

Alesha joined in, "Who doesn't like Bananas? In fact what's sweeter than Bananas?"

"Bananas give the needed nutrient and strength to face the day", Betsy retorted and everyone laughed.

She added again, "I can't imagine going a day without it.

I wanted to ask if we were still talking about 'Bananas' but I kept shut as Alesha spoke up again, "another reason why I love Bananas is that there's a type for everyone. Curvy, smooth, straight, fat, long, short, you can have it anyhow you want it."

"Okiemute you really took your time to select these ones o, so healthy, strong, fat and fresh, just perfect. You must really know how to pick Bananas."

I simply smiled as I continued to stare the Letter even though at that point I knew I was no longer reading.

"Why are you smiling na, I'm complimenting you. It's obvious you are experienced with Bananas." It was Betsy speaking.

At that point Kunle said "All of a sudden Okiemute is serious o, acting like she can't hear you."

That was when Dan asked me to "bite that Banana."

As I ate my Banana Betsy advised "Babe please keep eating Bananas o, they are good for you" she winked.

Then Alesha started on how Milkshakes go well with Bananas.

"Have you tried a Milkshake just after eating good Banana? Like you really take your time to let it go down your throat?"
As she asked laughter erupted and the conversation about Bananas, milkshakes and everything in between continued.

All I could think of as I listened to their analogies was these ones are crazy and have indeed gone Bananas.

The next time I eat Bananas I will do well to eat it in the privacy of my house - I dare not say this out though because 'eat' and 'privacy' will surely be dissected.

I Had To Answer A Really Difficult Question Today

"Okiemute can you marry someone that has HIV?" I was taken aback and almost faltered, I didn't see that coming.

"I wouldn't answer yes or no to that question", I responded my face expressionless. I was trying hard not to stutter.

"You either will or wouldn't" he retorted.

"I can't just answer until I have to decide. There very many HIV negative guys that I will not even consider, so it's not just about the person's status. There are very many factors involved in choosing a partner."

He nodded, "That's true. So all things being equal, would you? Say you meet the man of your dreams today, he meets every criteria and the only issue is that he is HIV positive. Would you marry him?"

I paused for a second before I answered.

Before I share my response, let tell you what led to this conversation.
I had gone with a colleague for a meeting with an organization we had done a project on HIV with and as we were leaving we started a conversation with the Project Manager about the burden of HIV in Nigeria, I noted that until the government owns the fight, progress cannot be made.

"Imagine that 95% of the counterpart funding is contributed by donor partners and the 5% for our government is not even fully contributed. We are not ready" I said.

My colleague added quickly "And now these partners are pulling out"

"Exactly." I said and continued "I wouldn't blame them though because we still mismanage the funds contributed. We are not serious abeg."

I usually do not like having these conversations because it only leaves me worked up.

The Project Manager mentioned misappropriation of funds and stigma as a major challenge to the fight.

I nodded stating that self stigma is however worse than stigma from others.
He disagreed stating that until society treats people living with HIV as normal people, how they feel about themselves will not change.

That was when he asked if I would marry a man who is HIV positive to buttress his point that Stigma starts with society.

I paused for a second before I answered.

"I am open minded about the issue of HIV because I am well educated about it. I know that with strict adherence to medication one can become virally suppressed so even if they have unprotected sex their partner wouldn't contract the virus. So as I said I wouldn't say yes or no until I have to decide, I think I can though."

"Hmm" he said and added that some young people in Europe and the US now infect themselves with the virus just to know what it feels like.

You say what?

"I think that should be discouraged because what we want is an HIV/AIDS free world. WHO's projection is an HIV free world by 2030 so acting like having HIV is the new cool should be discouraged." I responded.
"But do you think an HIV free world is possible? With many young people having sex for money and many men willing to pay heavily for unprotected sex?" He asked.

I sighed.

"It will be difficult but I think it's possible."

We talked about several issues and shared experiences before the conversation ended.

As the conversation ended though another one began in my head.

I mean some things are easier said than done and when push comes to shove water usually finds it level - our nature betrays us.
The nature that usually betrays us in cases like this is that of 'self preservation', it is human nature to preserve self first. This may result in abandoning those who thought we would be there through thick and thin.

It takes a different level of faith, courage and refinement to go even where angels fear to tread.

So I'll ask you now, would you marry a person living with HIV?

Would you stay with your partner if you find out they are HIV postive?

Love Is For Fools, Would You be A Fool?

"Wise men say only fools rush in but I can't help falling in love with you"... 

Elvis Presley sang these lines years ago in his song 'Can't Help Falling In Love' and I had to download it again after I saw the movie 'Crazy Rich Asians'.

Great movie, beautiful cinematography, familiar story but beautifully interpreted, it also showed a different side to Asia as opposed to the 'Kung-fu' story that has been told for years. 

So back to the talk about love being for fools. It is true. 

Love is for fools. 

Love is for those who are willing to overlook faults they usually wouldn't put up with. Love isn't for wise people because the bitter truth about love is that this is easier 'said' than 'done'. Sometimes what life brings may be more than you bargained for causing to realize that you never loved 'enough'. 

This is what happened in the story I'm about to share. 

 I recently set out to do a report on the plight of children living with disability in Nigeria. I wanted to focus on access to education for them especially as the 'Disabilities Bill' is yet to be passed into law so I contacted a Doctor I worked with about 2 month ago and asked for contacts. He sent me the contact of another Doctor who sent me the contact of another who sent me the contact of a Man that volunteers with an NGO for people with disabilities. He in turn connected with someone else, whom I finally got to meet after about 2 weeks of communication and planning. 

He is a Speech Therapist currently working with child living with Cerebral Palsy. Most children we call Imbeciles actually have Cerebral Palsy, a condition that can be managed. I wouldn't focus too much on it so this post wouldn't be too lengthy but you can read about it. 

He told me his patient's family wouldn't mind sharing their story so I set out for an interview with them. That was when I met Abdul, a 15 year old boy with Cerebral Palsy. 

Abdul lives with his Grandparents who have done really well in managing his condition and so unlike other children Abdul can walk, use a computer, write, mop and run errands. He even took photos of me but he is still learning to talk. This isn't really the story. 

The story is about his parents - both Medical Doctors. Abdul's parents met many years ago and after a beautiful relationship, they got married vowing to be together for BETTER or WORSE. Until worse came. They had a baby - Abdul who has Cerebral Palsy and his was a third degree damage. 

His father disowned the child because according to him, "that cannot be his child." His mother however couldn't turn her back on her son and the marriage ended. The vows, promises made and oaths taken were quickly forgotten in the midst of life's challenges. This was more than was bargained for. 

To cut my story short, Abdul's Mum did her best to cater to her son until she died a few years ago, leaving Abdul with his grandparents. 

His father seem to have come around and is now trying to be a Daddy for Abdul but the past cannot be erased. He left the love of his life in the cold when she needed him the most. He couldn't keep his part of 'for better or worse'. He couldn't handle the challenge life threw at them. His love was either not enough or he never really loved at all. My only surprise is that he is also a Medical Doctor who should have known better. 

I am not saying it is that easy but that is what loving is, there are no guarantees. 

You chose a person and walk into a future not knowing what it holds. I guess it is why wise men say "only fools fall in love", it is because you can't be wise in love. 

It is a 'fool' that will not keep a record of wrongs.

It is a 'fool' that forgives and chooses to be there no matter what. 

It is a fool that makes sacrifice just to keep the other safe. 

You can't be wise in love because you will turn a blind eye to faults, deaf ears to talks and protect with your arms. 

Love is beautiful and may be the greatest gift you receive. 

It strengthens the weak and weakens the strong but its enormous benefits can only be enjoyed by those bold enough to 'become fools for love'.

P.S: Love and Stupidity are not the same.

Me, Feminist? Please Don't Insult Me!

"The Estrogen in the room was too much, I had to leave." It was my Boss talking.

I nodded in agreement. She was referring to a Conference we had attended - she as a Guest and I for work, to cover the event.

It was a Conference for women, 'to push the women agenda' - that's me quoting the convener verbatim - and to be honest, there were quite a number of influential women in attendance.

"I don't like being in places where too many women are gathered especially one where 'Feminism' will be the agenda." She added and continued.
"I don't believe in Feminism because I think it is a result of self-loathing. I wasn't brought up as a girl but as a human being. As a child I had more male friends than female friends so where would the mentality of inferiority come from?"
"I am a proud Yoruba woman and where I come from women are treated with respect and as equal to men so I see no reason why I should start fighting to be respected. I think it's demeaning."

I nodded again and told her that while some cultures still subjugate women and see them as inferior to men, the feminist agenda may have been over stretched as some people do it with a band wagon mentality, not really sure why or what they are 'fighting' for.

I referred to a panelist at the event that said "if you are not militant about your feminism, then forget about it.

" In my head I thought, "Shuo, na so the matter serious reach? Wetin bring militancy come this matter now, abi na war?"

That's when my Boss went on to educate me with facts that buttressed my point.

She stated that the fight for equality in the United States of America started because it is 'statutory" for men to be paid more than women even when they do the same work, and that where a man and woman were both qualified for a role, the man is usually picked. This led to many women sitting at home and it's what birthed the fight for equal treatment of both gender - Feminism.

"So I don't understand the basis of our fight here especially when it is women that uphold some cultural practices put in place by men to maltreat women."
"I am not saying the fight for equality is irrelevant but it is women who shave a woman's hair when her husband dies and force her to drink the fluid used to wash his body. It is not men that do it."

She spoke up about a court ruling that will be given in favor of women inheriting property from their fathers in parts of Igbo land and added that the challenge with some of these practices is that our mentality holds us back.

"A female lawmaker who was amongst those that pushed for this law said her Uncle, a Professor dared her to come for her father's property even if a law is passed. So you see that even those who are educated still hold on to culture."

I noted that I believe some women are anti-feminism, they hate the fact that they are women and project that hate onto men. They already see themselves as inferior to men and as such tout the equality mantra every chance they get not really because they are marginalized. They just need to reaffirm their worth to themselves.

She went on to add that as a Boss, when a male is disrespectful she doesn't think it because she is female.

"I assume that they would have done that to a man and I respond in a way that let's them know I am the Boss - the human being in charge."

"I think calling me a Feminist is an insult, women in Yoruba land owned slaves years ago and did same businesses as men. I know some cultures still hold women back but I personally can't talk about fighting for equality."

She went on to quote lines from a Poem she had written on this subject matter and while a lot was said, in summary I think it would be best if we do not reaffirm the echoes of being the 'weaker sex' to our daughters.

I think the fight for Gender parity is good and we shouldn't raise girls to feel they have to go the extra mile to defeat their male counterparts. They shouldn't also start seeing boys as their rivals from childhood - what with the militant feminism talk?

Teach them the gift of work and importance of providing for themselves.

We should raise them to be fully formed humans who know that though they may not be physically strong as men, it in no way diminishes their strength neither does it make men their rivals. And that real strength is mental, you are as small, weak as your mind tells you - we should teach our boys and girls this.

We should also raise men who from childhood see women as human beings who though are of a different gender have the same capabilities and privileges as they.

We should raise boys that are not ashamed to show their weaknesses in front of girls.
Boys who would grow into the men deserving of our girls and girls deserving of our boys.

I think we should talk more about EQUITY instead of EQUALITY that way no boy or girl will be left behind.

Be Like Travis. Be Like Beyoncé.

The time was 6:56am. Four more minutes before I go on air with the news.

The DJ in the studio notified me that in 4 minutes I'd be live and added "I'll just play one more song and we are good to go, alright?"
I nodded and did a thumbs up to show that I got it.

Then the song came up. Travis Green was singing 'Nara' the one in which he teamed up with Tim Godfrey.
This song is currently on the list of most played/sung gospel songs in Nigeria and whenever it's played folks sing along with excitement because it is such a beautiful song of thanksgiving and also because an American is singing in Igbo language and he did it well - I'm not Igbo but I have heard Igbo people say he did well.

When I hear him though, I hear the voice of an Artist who is willing to push the boundaries, one who understands that leaving your comfort zone is the way to go if you must stand out, do, reach for and be more.
I imagine how long it to for Travis to learn to pronounce the words because even I still cannot sing them well
'Chukwu na gwom'oria le.
When You heal, You heal completely.
Narekele mo.
Chukwu mar'obimo Isi ikendu le.
Narekele mo'

Choi! I keep mispronouncing the words, telling myself it's the thought that counts. So I wonder how many nights Travis stayed up with Tim or any other tutor doing tutorials in Igbo language.

I imagine them laughing as he mispronounced some words while still learning.
I imagine him repeating the words over and over again till he got them right.
I imagine the time and effort put into giving us the gift we now enjoy.

It only takes one with a desire for excellence to deliver especially because most Nigerian Gospel artists in my opinion are lazy. I have more Gospel songs on my Playlist so I should know. Its almost as if they assume that since it's about praising God, saying Jehovah, Jesus or God and repeating one line over and again is good enough.
Tim Godfrey and Travis Green's 'Nara' is a good song and even though it's not entirely original, a lot of work and obvious dedication went into it. Little wonder it is the hit we all know it to be.

As I read the news that Sunday morning, I told myself I'll do my best to go over and beyond, raise the bar and push the limits in my work, relationships and life.
Like Travis if I have to learn to speak Swahili, Mandarin or Cantonese for my work, I will learn to speak it such that the natives will pause and turn in my direction - err, I'll need time to learn too.
For now I'll stick with English, Urhobo and Pidgin...na small small.

On a serious note, until you are willing to tread in unfamiliar territory you may just remain average.

God called you to do and be more!

I remember reading about Beyoncé's preparation for this year's Coachella.
She went on an animal free diet and became vegan, rehearsed for 11 good hours daily and hired about 100 dancers - talk about dedication to your craft. And after Beyoncé performed that night in April, Coachella was renamed 'Beychella'.

She put her name on it and dropped the mic!

She earned it by putting in the work, sheer hard work.

So today make a (re)commitment to be like Travis and Beyonce, get out of your comfort zone - in work, school, play, leisure, pleasure...life.

Go the extra mile. Reach for, Do and Be more!

Are You Ready To Become a Husband, Wife or Parent?

"This guy hit the nail on the head o."

It was my friend speaking as we both laughed at the meme I had shown him.

"How do they even think up these things?" I asked laughing.

"Honestly Nigerians are creative but the truth is this is one reason why some guys don't want to commit to marriage honestly." He replied.

"Is it that serious?" I asked.

"The expectations you have to live up to are scary. There are guys who don't even want to turn on generators but it's expected that they do it because they are the man of the house." He added.

"If he doesn't or cannot, he can pay someone to do all that na." I retorted still laughing.

Ironically I was also having a chat on Whatsapp with a friend who recently became a Dad and he was talking about how he had taken days off work but couldn't really rest as he had to be a Husband and Dad.

He had stayed up for most of the night tending to his baby who wasn't feeling well.

"What's it like being a Dad?" I asked.

"It's changes one's perspective, I’m now responsible for another human who cannot make choices for himself for a while. The innocence and naivety is refreshing."

He talked about how having faith like a child is powerful.

Then he added "He doesn’t even know I wasn’t really ready for him yet and I was a huge mess before and after he was born."

"You weren't ready?" I asked because by all standards he is very comfortable financially, cool, calm, very well read and educated - and married.

Let me add here that I'm not saying these are the criteria for being a Dad but I think it will be a good part of the 'Daddy Starter Pack'. Ehen na, abi?

Before he responded I added, "can one ever really be ready? Expectations and fantasy may be different from reality right?"

He responded that it's definitely different but that one can carefully consider it by observation and study.

He added again "it is important to be an educated parent, to be deliberately better than our parents because now that we’re adults, with the gift of exposure and hindsight, we can see gaps where our parents missed it. They did the best they could, but we have to do better because of the world we now live in. We can take parenting from the 80’s into the 2010’s or 2020’s."

I read his response a couple of times and I agree with him.
However, I still think that one can never be fully ready for the responsibilities that come with committing first to marriage and then becoming a parent.
I think so because every individual is unique and the future cannot be predicted. So the way A responds to a situation may not be the way B would respond, also life may throw a totally different challenge from anything you ever witnessed or expected.

I recall when a very dear friend got married.
When we talked she would say "Okiemute I can't believe my parents are doing this thing for almost 40 years. It's not easy o."

When I laugh, she would say "babe relationships and marriage are two different entities o, sometimes it's almost as if I'm dealing with a stranger and not the man I dated."

When she adds "my husband can hear me and he is saying I should stop talking as if he is maltreating me" I would laugh some more as I think "these two will definitely be alright."
Having never walked in her shoes, I do not say much but our conversation always ends with the decision to keep the vow of 'till death do us part'.

It's as All 4 One sang in 'These Arms' "darling the only guarantee I can make, these arms won't let your heart break".

I think this is the only guarantee we can give.

A parent can only decide that "no matter what happens, I'll be there for my child" and a spouse can only say it too "these arms will love you everyday and won't let your heart break", and through life's different seasons, try to keep the vow.

So I ask again, do you think you are ready to be a Husband, Wife, Parent?
Does one ever get ready for these roles?
Do you think one can never be fully ready and can only take a first step of committing to 'just do it' like Nike says and decide to keep that commitment?

If you are married, I would like for you to share your experience and if you are a parent, what was it like the first time?

Do you think you were ready?

Could you have planned better?

If you get a chance to start again, what would you do differently?

We And Not Politicians Are The Ones Who Should Change

I had an experience yesterday that made me think. 

A friend had been invited to a book launch/reading event and he asked that I join him. I fancied the thought as I was certain that an event like that would attract a crowd of intellectuals so we went for it.

Excerpts from the book being launched was read by the Author, a feisty yet subtle and intelligent lady and two other panelists.
The book is about politics in Nigeria and the political class. It sought to answer the questions of how we got here and how we can effect change in as a people.
After the reading, questions were taken from the audience - we were less than 70 and it was a gathering of young elites.

Opinions were aired and questions were asked and answered particularly about our history and as expected, about the next elections and how a change can be effected. The responses given were thoughtful, provocative and insightful.

But as the conversation continued, I realized that no one was asking "what next after this?"

We were admonished to not sell our votes but the people I saw in that hall are not the ones who would accept pittance in exchange for their votes.

There were conversations about the impunity with which the ruling class operated and also that the incentives for being in power has to be reduced to make elective positions less attractive.

It was also agreed that our history as a people is being privatized by the political elite and that certain truths were deliberately being omitted or said in halves to younger generations.

As I listened, I watched the audience and I knew that unless a plan of action is set after the conversation, most of us would go back to the comfort of our homes to continue sipping tea, coffee or champagne depending on our preference - or pocket size.

As I scanned the audience, I saw that the people in the room are only a minute number of our population and are less than 1% of those who would vote.
And while this conversation is important, the real people who should be addressed are on the streets unsure of their next meal, in rural and hard to reach areas without power and do not even watch cable TV.
They are mostly uneducated and not on social media so they know nothing about online banters, opinion polls and virtual elections being conducted on Twitter.
They are the ones who will sell their vote because the money received would at least buy them a week's meal.

As I pondered on this, I realized that I was getting angry. That's when I told my friend that I wanted to leave.
He tried to persuade me to stay and I really wanted to but I got up and left the hall when one of the panelists - a prominent young man - started talking angrily about how Nigerians were killed in the nation's capital and no one protested because they were Shi'ites.

I got up because the only question on my mind was "if you are this pained why didn't you start a protest?" It wouldn't have mattered if anyone joined him because then we would know he tried.

I left because we were being hypocritical, all of us.

No one sitting in that room has stood in the sun to protest bad governance and call for change. No one in the room has gone to hard to reach areas - villages in the creeks and across the Atlantic Ocean in the Niger Delta, villages in the middle belt where the mayhem caused by militias go uninhibited and unreported and war torn villages in the Northeast where people have become refugees and live in harsh conditions because of the insurgency.

I was angry because most of the people in that hall, cannot even relate with the struggles of the average Nigerian.
We are educated, dressed in nice and 'bespoke' clothes, carry designer bags, wear expensive perfumes and vacation in exotic places. We pay good money for hair, facials, manicure and pedicure. We like our comfort too much and you shouldn't blame us, we worked hard and still work hard for the life we want/have.

Even now I am angry because we cannot be like the Politicians we criticize.
Those ones and their cronies will go to the villages to fry Garri, roast corns, eat in mud houses and even fetch water from the well just to make the people there feel like they are equal.
Those ones will shamelessly put up pictures of these activities for the world to see.

They impoverish people and still exploit their poverty.
While we are playing 'not to lose', they are playing 'to win or die trying'.

I am angry as I think to myself that we are not ready for the change we seek because the ones who have held on to power for decades will not relinquish it subtly.
Big grammar will not do the work, our numbers are not large enough and we cannot tell people not to sell their votes because we will not give them food if they turn down the offers from politicians.

Until public schools are good enough for the middle class to attend, quality education will be the exclusive preserve of a few and if only a few get educated, only few will ask questions.

Conversations in cozy halls and enclosed spaces are good, debates on social media are great but we need to fight for equity first.

We should seek ways to solve problems of inequality and inequity in access to education, we must reach out to the vulnerable, poor, marginalized and excluded sector of society. If we try to solve these smaller problems then the big problems will be solved eventually.

For now though, I think we are yet to come to terms with the truth, which is that the change we seek will not come through mere dialogue.

I do not exactly know how it will come but there are many gaps to be bridged and until those gaps are bridged the elite youth will keep fighting in isolation. Read John 11:12.

Sometimes The One You Want Is The One You Can't Have

I just deleted the nudes a friend sent to me.

A lady he does not know had sent it with her number and he noted that this happens a lot.

"Have I acted or sounded desperate in anyway?" He asked.

I knew it was his British humour kicking in so I didn't bother with telling him that certain things come with being successful - you become a prey for desperate people who want all or at least a taste of what you have.

He responded with what I have come so used to hearing. It is me he wants and would pay any price to have. Any other alternative is simply annoying.

"Wanted you SO much! I'd have paid ANY price for it to be real. Still would." Is his response when I tell him to expect more nudes.

I have heard and known this for well over 5 years so much that I no longer get angry or end the conversation. I simply changed topic.

In another place and time it might have worked but now it wouldn't so as we conversed I recalled the saying 'the heart wants what it wants and there's no logic to it.'

I have learned that sometimes you can't explain why you are helpless when it comes to the way you feel about certain people even when they make it clear that they cannot be in your life.

Sometimes we want what we can't have and a few things hurt more than this because even if we go on to acquire material possessions and become 'wealthy' by the world's standards, there will be that void in our hearts that nothing and no one can fill. 

Being with the most sophisticated and gorgeous people wouldn't change the way we feel. And sometimes when we forget, just the sight of the person you have always wanted, triggers feelings that remind us once again of our helplessness with them.

I know people who are married but in their hearts have that one person they would give up everything for. It may seem foolish but sometimes that's what love makes us - FOOLISH mortals.

Love just doesn't care about your status or pedigree!

I have at certain points in my life wanted some people but to be honest, I look back and ask "what was I thinking?"

I honestly hope I never meet that 'ONE' person I want but can't have.
I hope I do not turn someday or walk into a room and see the one who captures my heart but would be forever elusive.
I hope that when I meet the one my heart wants at all costs, they are available and want me as much.

I hope it is the same for you.

I hope you do not miss someone else while you are with another.

I hope you do not settle with a person only to crave another's touch, kiss and warm embrace because I have lived long enough to understand that sometimes people settle for what is available in the absence of the desired.

If you want someone you can't have, it will hurt but please know that it in no way diminishes your worth.

I hope you understand that it is not your fault neither is it theirs, it's just life - some things can't be explained.

I also hope you find the courage and have enough faith to wait for 'what' you want and not settle only to have regrets later.

Most importantly, I hope that when you meet the one your heart wants at all cost, they want you too.

I hope they desire you as fiercely as you desire them, I hope the dependence is mutual and I hope they are willing to meet you halfway and fight to have that which is so rare today - a love that is cataclysmic yet tranquil, inexplicable yet reassuring, wild yet delicate.

A love that exists in an environment where criticism is given in a higher and judgement free environment, breaking your defenses yet protecting your secrets.

A love that strengthens you yet makes you vulnerable, supporting your growth while reminding you to reside in your truth and I hope you build a bond stronger than any blood tie, sealed with a commitment to complement each other's sweetness. 

I hope...

This November Don't Drop The Ball UNTIL...

A contact sent this to me via Whatsapp and I think it is thought provoking so I have decided to share it with you in hopes that it speaks to you and that you say it to yourself everyday UNTIL...

So this is what she wrote "The most determinative and motivating sentence which should always be followed in life. The RACE is NOT OVER because I haven't WON yet."

Powerful!!!

The year is almost ended and it's the time when most people throw their hands up, give up on their goals and decide to wait till next year to start again but you know what? You are not most people.

You will not give up.
You will not let life's pressure make you crumble. You will not throw in the towel and bow out of the race.
You will stay in the race because until you win, the race cannot end.

So what is it that you have set to achieve in your heart?
No goal is too big for you, no league is too much for you to fit in, you just have to keep working on yourself.

Michael Faraday the man known as the 'Father of Electricity' was an apprentice at a book-binding shop who trained himself by reading every book and encyclopedia on Electricity.
He developed himself without formal training till he eventually developed electromagnetism and electricity.
Though people already knew of electricity, it was Faraday who played a pivotal role in providing a continuous source of electricity. He changed the game and that is the power of personal development.

So this month you will develop yourself and keep getting better till you become too relevant to be ignored.
You will visualize all you want and will not lose the vision until it becomes reality.

This month you will remember that life's storms don't last always so you will swim in it UNTIL...

This month you will STAY in the race UNTIL you win.

Be patient with yourself, stay on your lane, do not compare to others, be patient with God, he is the Referee and he will guard you through.
He will not blow the whistle UNTIL you have won. 

Everything you want is possible, please believe me because you can never be greater than what you believe.

This November don't drop the ball UNTIL it gets in the net.

This November Let Your Noise Be JOYFUL!

It's the 11th month of the year 2018!

As we count down to the end of the year, make every day count.

Grab the opportunities life presents to you.
Eat.
Pray.
Love.
Stay thankful to God.
If you must make noise then let your NOISE be JOYFUL

Welcome to November!

Sometimes Your Heart Doesn't Get Broken But Educated

Sometimes when people walk away what they leave us with isn't a 'broken' heart but an 'educated' heart.

After all said and done, after the tears have gone, you realize they came to educate you.

They came to hold your hand through a phase but now their part in your story is over.

They came to cheer and spur you on to greater, better and bigger than you imagined.

They came to show you anything is possible if you believe.

They came to remind you of all that you can and should be.

They came to show you a glimpse of heaven, a foretaste of what is to come if you dare to give your heart again.

They came for you but were not meant for you instead they came to prepare you for the kind of love you envisaged and prayed for.

And when you think about their time in your life you have to do it with gratitude for the opportunity you had to grow.

On the days you try to forget them, you have to be patient as you remind yourself that some things take time and that soon you will wake up and they will not be the first thing on your mind.

Someday you will hear a joke and they will not be the one you want to share it with.

Someday you will look in the eyes of the one whose actions match their words and who wouldn't put anything else in the world above you and it wouldn't be theirs.

Someday they will become just a memory, a memory that makes you shrug because your educated heart is stronger and grateful.

Someday it will become clear that they came to educate your heart about goodness, beauty, strength, growth, courage, love...life!

It may hurt today but someday you will exhale as your educated heart beats once again to the rhythm of love, a love that will find just one reason to stay, a love that wouldn't walk away.

Give Them This Gift Else They May Haunt You Tomorrow

Whenever we see those young boys in traffic who come to wash car wind shields in hopes for cash my younger brother always says that it's best to give them something no matter how small because if they had come with a knife or worse still a gun, we would give them all our belongings.

This is true but more importantly these young boys need an education.

I recently attended a Media Dialogue on the challenge of out-of-school in children in Nigeria organised by the Federal Ministry of Education and the Child Rights Bureau (CRIB) in partnership with UNICEF and there we discussed and brainstormed on the issue and how to solve it as over 10 million children of school age in Nigeria are not in school - according to the Federal Ministry of Education.

This event held in Kano and ironically during that period there was a clash in Kaduna that led to the government imposing a 24 hour curfew. A colleague travelling through Kaduna to Kano for the event was badly beaten when the vehicle she boarded was mobbed by irate youths and she suffered a fractured arm - she is currently in the hospital.

These youths I am sure would not be willing tools for violence if they were educated as an educated mind understands the importance of tolerance, respect for human rights as well as the importance of dialogue in conflict resolution.

This is why the greatest gift you can give to your children is quality education. If you do not educate their minds, they may turn to haunt you tomorrow. 

The truth is a society cannot rise higher than the level of education her citizenry is exposed to.
The right type of education awakens your consciousness and rationality, it makes you ask questions.

I am on a journey of growth and it is a good Education has given me the audacity to ask for more from myself and life. This is the greatest gift I got. 

We must therefore strive to give our children the gift of quality education.

Be commited to this and if you are able financially, pick a child who isn't privileged and pay for their education - posterity will thank you for it.

The gift of a good education is priceless and the reward is immeasurable but dearth of it will result in a society like ours.

Remember that when the poor is hungry, the rich will not sleep and to solve the problem we are dealing with, we need to catch them young.

We should start undoing the mistakes of the past, educate the young ones, expose them to information that will renew their minds and birth a new reality. 

We must do whatever it takes to send our children to school and keep them there.

It begins with you!

Will You Cheat If Your Partner Is Not Your Spec?

"So what's your spec Okiemute?"
'My spec?'
"Yes, you heard all we said na so what do you like in a man?"
It was Kunle (not his real name) speaking.

I shook my head to say I did not hear even though I had heard all their arguments about some men being attracted to boobs while some others are attracted to big backsides.

Some said all that matters is a pretty face while others said everything matters. These ones want a woman who is tall, curvy, pretty, with big boobs, big backsides, fine legs, large eyes, full lips - in my head I thought these ones should get clay and mould their own women, who talks about lips and eyes as criteria for choosing a partner?

Kunle tried to explain the crux of the conversation to me, "Okay, we are asking if it really matters that you stick with your spec when it comes to marriage. Like if you like light skinned guys and you meet a dark complexioned guy would you date him?"

In my head I thought so because of his skin colour I would discard a man who excites my mind and that I'm attracted to? Then I asked myself if I would choose chocolate over vanilla but I said nothing as he seemed like he had more to say.

He pointed at another colleague and continued, "Dan for example always liked them tall, light skinned and chubby."
I turned to look at Dan, I had seen his wife's picture and she was not tall, not fair and certainly not chubby.
"Did she get pregnant and you had to marry her?" I asked as I glared at him.
Everyone laughed as they knew why I asked, his wife was nothing of the spec that was just described.
He smiled and said he fell in love and everything changed.

I rolled my eyes.

"So what's your spec, this girl she will change the matter o. I know Okiemute she would not want to talk about herself."
It was Iyke speaking up.
I smiled.

"Oh well, he first needs to have sense."

They all turned to look at me as I shrugged and continued "Wise men are hard to find these days. It's easier to find a man with money than one with wisdom, so that's it. Sense first, a man who would make me and everyone else listen when he talks, one who is refined and whose opinion I can trust. Everything else is secondary."

Kunle laughed and said "I just knew your answer would be different. Would you be attracted to his 'sense' at first sight madam? Describe physical attributes you want."

I spoke up again 'if I was Dan's wife I would be worried o. If I knew my husband had a spec and I don't fit that, I would be worried.'

"Why?" Anita one of the ladies asked.

'Because the desires I have now that I'm an adult may not change. Teenage fantasies are different from desires in adulthood. So I fear that a man may wander after what he originally desired or be distracted.' I said and continued, 'so Dan have you been tempted to cheat or have you cheated with your spec?'

Dan looked at me askance but I stared back hard at him.

"You are changing the conversation now, this girl." He said.
'Don't this girl me. Answer.' I retorted.

He smiled and then his phone rang so he had to go take the call.

That was how the conversation changed and attention was off me.

The question became, if a man had a spec and marries a woman that doesn't fit his spec, would he cheat?

Some argued that men are polygamous by nature and as such will always cheat - I find this cringe worthy by the way.

Some opined that love can make a person realise that specs do not matter while others thought after a while a man may get distracted if he meets a girl that fits his spec even if he is married or in a committed relationship.

Do specifications/physical attributes matter? Should that be the determinant of the quality of a relationship?

Would a man cheat if his partner is not his 'original' spec? Will a woman cheat if she meets the 'Adonis' of her fantasy?

What do you think?

Photo Credit: baucemag.com

Don't Force Or Manage It, I Learned The Hard Way

As she touched my face I felt my juices flowing.

It was overwhelming and as I felt my creative juice flow, I knew I would write about this experience.

"I would hold her so she is still while you work on her eyes" I heard her say to the other person working on my face.

As they worked I recalled the saying 'too many cooks spoil the broth', I just hoped that the broth here - my face - wouldn't be spoilt.
My make up was being done by two people who I was told were 'makeup artists' - ever heard of two makeup artists working on one face simultaneously?

I sat still hoping and trusting that this would turn out fine, deciding that the worst that can happen is for the session to be a disaster a la my face looking 'unfine'. I would simply wash it all off and opt out of the photo shoot.

So here's what resulted in two makeup artists doing my makeup.
A group I work with reached out to say there would be a 'Photo Shoot' to promote our work. We would be dressed uniformly and were to bring three outfits - this set off alarm bells in my head as I hate uniforms. I had not been at the meeting where all this was decided as I had traveled for work so I was stuck with their choice.
I got the memo a day before the shoot so when I got home from work, I spent the night picking my outfits.

On the morning of the event, I arrived at the time stated but no one was there so I went back to work. Hours later I was told the others had arrived and their makeup had even been done so I dressed up and left work again.
When I got there I complimented those whose makeup had been done and sat still as I watched the two makeup artists that were contracted work, I would be the last.
When it got to my turn, they both said they were done as they had other events to go for blah blah blah.

I was embarrassed, livid and irritated.

The person who had been put in charge and who contracted them spoke to them and as I watched I thought about my time that had been wasted and I felt anger sipping through me - I slowly tapped the handle of the chair I sat on, shook my legs, clenched my fist, inhaled and exhaled just to keep calm.
She tried to pacify me but I got up to tell my boss, the head of the group of the development and then I walked out.
The person who had sent out the memo about the shoot called to say an arrangement had been made for two members of the group who are 'makeup artists' to do my makeup. I thought if they were makeup artists why did they not do everyone else's makeup?
So I simply told her that I was planning a shoot of my own and wasn't interested anymore but the head of the group called and I knew I couldn't say no even though somehow I felt things wouldn't turn out right - I hated the position I was in.

That's how I found myself being made up by two makeup artists.
As they worked, people around kept ohing and ahing but I kept still, thinking, trusting that it was really 'nice'.

As soon as they finished, I was hurried into the studio for the shoot in my first outfit as everyone else was done and were waiting for me to join in the second session - so I didn't get a chance to look in the mirror. The photographer said something about us getting married as I looked too good and I thought okay maybe it's not bad. I even joked that he should get a Priest and rings, imagine!
After the session in my first outfit, I hurried to join the others and kept getting compliments of how I looked 'really nice'. I couldn't say thank you as I was yet to see my face so I just nodded, then I picked up a mirror to appreciate the work done on my face, it was unbelievable!

I looked like I was about to audition for the role of a circus clown, calling it horrendous would be doing justice to how I looked.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes as it dawned on me that I was surrounded by my 'enemies', I mean anyone who complimented the hideous makeup on my face has to be my enemy.
I called one of the 'makeup artistes' aside and showed her pictures on my phone, pictures of makeup I did myself and she went on to talk about how I should stop complaining as that would only make it worse.
I looked at her beautifully made up face and asked if she would say the same thing if she were in my shoes.
I just picked up my bag and left - the group, the obviously blind photographer who was busy calling me his wife, the photosession, everything.

I went back to work and spent about 30 minutes wiping the makeup from my face. I couldn't really do any work as I had spent my productive time 'preparing for a photo shoot'.

As I sat down on my desk, feeling sorry for myself - yes it's that serious for me, I thought about the time i soent picking my outfits and ironing them when I should be sleeping and reminded myself again that I had an inkling that this shoot thing wouldn't go well for me - or maybe it was the negative vibe I sent out that the universe responded to.

Anyway, I learned an already learned lesson AGAIN: if it doesn't feel right, do not manage it or go with people's opinion.
If it doesn't feel right, then maybe it isn't right and shouldn't be forced or managed.

I learned this the hard way.

Be Consistent, It Will Pay You

Whether you clap or not, the Sun will still shine. 

Consistency doesn't seek validation and sometimes the only test you need to pass is the 'CONSISTENCY' test.

Even if no one pats your back, keep showing up and continue your work. You are sowing seeds for your future, one day the right person will notice and it will turn.

I Saw The Movie Wonder And Learned These Lessons I Will Teach My Child

"My Mum always says if you don't like where you are, picture where you want to be."

These are words from the 2017 movie 'Wonder'.

It tells the story of a young boy who's born with a condition that causes him to be facially different. After being home schooled for years by his mother who's role is played by Julia Roberts, he has to go to 'real' school and face the real world. It was like sending a lamb to the slaughter.
Most of the other kids were not nice at first but in the end he became the darling of the school and even won an award.
I know this ending is predictable and it doesn't always work like this in life but I learned a few lessons from the movie, particularly on how I would raise my child(ren).

1. I will teach my child resilience. Children need to know that people can be mean and that as much as Mummy and Daddy loves them, there are battles they will have to fight alone. We may hold their hands through it but they have to take up the sword themselves and fight. They have to fight naysayers, bullies, insecure people and envious, mean people and life's challenges.0

2. I will teach my child to not feel entitled. Children have to know the world owes them nothing and know that whatever comfort or luxury they enjoy is a privilege. A privilege that must not be taken for granted.

3. I will tell my child that not everyone will like her and that is okay. People change too and sometimes it is not about you, just be ready. I will teach my child not to seek to be liked but to be respected and this is earned by being authentic.

4. I will teach my child to be kind. Everyone is fighting a battle so if you have to choose between being right and being kind, choose kindness - it is underrated.

5. I will also teach my child not to ever give up because sometimes her kindness may be thrown in her face, she should not be deterred.

6. I will teach my child about tolerance. She will meet people whose values differ from hers but she should learn to be tolerant without conforming.

7. I will teach her that failing is not the end of the world. Your world only ends when you stop trying. 

8. I will always remind her that I love her and that she has a safe place with me. I will share my own struggles and experiences growing up with her just so she knows she is not alone.

9. This was not in the movie but I will teach her about trusting God because there are burdens too heavy for any human to bear. So to avoid disappointment and heartbreak she needs to know that men are fallible but God is reliable.

10. This one is for you as a parent, do you have dreams that you aspire to? Do not give up on them because you are raising children. Do something no matter how small with your gifts for yourself and as an example for your child(ren).

I look back on the times I may have hurt people without meaning to sometimes by keeping a distance because of their appearance and I realise that we can hurt people without being mean. I am learning to be kind(er).

I learned about resilence, faith, kindness, patience and love from my Mother and I will teach my children these too because long after I am gone, these will keep them on this journey of life.

Your child is a wonder, may you KNOW that and remind them - ALWAYS!