"If I tell my husband, the marriage will cut off." What she meant was that the marriage would be called off, her husband would leave her.
As she spoke I listened and watched her intently.
She struggled to blink back the tears that were threatening to fall.
I had a hard time holding mine back too.
"I cannot tell her and it's disturbing me." She said.
Her here is her husband. She had warned me that she couldn't speak fluent English and I switched to Pidgin.
"Madam no shaking o, I be Warri girl." I said.
We all laughed but she continued the conversation in English - broken English.
This happened a few days ago. I am working on a Special Report about how Antenatal Care (ANC) aids the Prevention of Mother To Child Transmission (PMTCT) of HIV and had to interview her.
She is living with HIV but have had children who are negative. She contracted the virus when she had a blood transfusion after her first child was born. She lost a lot of blood and had to be given blood which apparently wasn't screened leaving her with HIV. She only got to find out when she got pregnant with her second child and had to attend Antenatal Care. She was tested for HIV and came out poisitive.
How would she tell her husband?
She was certain that he would send her out if he knew. He too had to be tested without his knowledge and the results showed he is negative.
It's been 3 years since she found out about her status and she has had her third child yet her husband isn't aware of her HIV status. I asked if they have sex without condoms and she nodded. I knew immediately that her viral load is suppressed, this also means that she's been adherent with the Anti-Retroviral Therapy (ART).
I asked if her husband hasn't asked why she's always taking medication or suspected anything.
"I hide the drugs from him. He doesn't know." She replied and added, "I know the person I have, if he finds out he will treat me badly and insult me. The marriage will end. This is my problem."
She was tearful as she spoke. My heart went out to her. She already knows her marriage isn't for better or worse.
I do not know which is worse, living with the virus or knowing one cannot count on their partner for support. We agreed that her face would have to be blurred on TV as we cannot have her husband or family members finding out about her HIV status on TV.
As I headed back to work, I couldn't stop thinking about her. Living with such a secret cannot be easy.
I spoke to my colleagues about her story afterwards and most of the guys who are married said she should have told her husband. When I asked how they would respond, most said they would end the union.
So would you blame her for keeping mum especially in a patriarchal society like ours?
In my opinion I think the worst thing that can happen to anyone in marriage would be to have a partner that you cannot open up to about everything.
In marriage two become one and that's why we are to be very careful in choosing our partners because while traveling alone might be hard, feeling lonely even when you have company has to be harder.
Her story chronicles that of many married women in Nigeria. They are married as a duty and the men are lords doing them a favor so they bear the brunt of whatever challenge the family faces on the journey. The man almost always has the final say and this is mostly because most women are dependent on the men - financially.
Love really is a choice that we have to make over and over again.
P.S: The World Health Organization reports that Nigeria has the highest number of HIV infected babies.
Only 40% of pregnant women attend Antenatal Care in Nigeria according to the Federal Ministry of Health so if we must reduce the number of babies born with HIV, more pregnant women need to attend Antenatal Care.
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