I Had To Answer A Really Difficult Question Today

"Okiemute can you marry someone that has HIV?" I was taken aback and almost faltered, I didn't see that coming.

"I wouldn't answer yes or no to that question", I responded my face expressionless. I was trying hard not to stutter.

"You either will or wouldn't" he retorted.

"I can't just answer until I have to decide. There very many HIV negative guys that I will not even consider, so it's not just about the person's status. There are very many factors involved in choosing a partner."

He nodded, "That's true. So all things being equal, would you? Say you meet the man of your dreams today, he meets every criteria and the only issue is that he is HIV positive. Would you marry him?"

I paused for a second before I answered.

Before I share my response, let tell you what led to this conversation.
I had gone with a colleague for a meeting with an organization we had done a project on HIV with and as we were leaving we started a conversation with the Project Manager about the burden of HIV in Nigeria, I noted that until the government owns the fight, progress cannot be made.

"Imagine that 95% of the counterpart funding is contributed by donor partners and the 5% for our government is not even fully contributed. We are not ready" I said.

My colleague added quickly "And now these partners are pulling out"

"Exactly." I said and continued "I wouldn't blame them though because we still mismanage the funds contributed. We are not serious abeg."

I usually do not like having these conversations because it only leaves me worked up.

The Project Manager mentioned misappropriation of funds and stigma as a major challenge to the fight.

I nodded stating that self stigma is however worse than stigma from others.
He disagreed stating that until society treats people living with HIV as normal people, how they feel about themselves will not change.

That was when he asked if I would marry a man who is HIV positive to buttress his point that Stigma starts with society.

I paused for a second before I answered.

"I am open minded about the issue of HIV because I am well educated about it. I know that with strict adherence to medication one can become virally suppressed so even if they have unprotected sex their partner wouldn't contract the virus. So as I said I wouldn't say yes or no until I have to decide, I think I can though."

"Hmm" he said and added that some young people in Europe and the US now infect themselves with the virus just to know what it feels like.

You say what?

"I think that should be discouraged because what we want is an HIV/AIDS free world. WHO's projection is an HIV free world by 2030 so acting like having HIV is the new cool should be discouraged." I responded.
"But do you think an HIV free world is possible? With many young people having sex for money and many men willing to pay heavily for unprotected sex?" He asked.

I sighed.

"It will be difficult but I think it's possible."

We talked about several issues and shared experiences before the conversation ended.

As the conversation ended though another one began in my head.

I mean some things are easier said than done and when push comes to shove water usually finds it level - our nature betrays us.
The nature that usually betrays us in cases like this is that of 'self preservation', it is human nature to preserve self first. This may result in abandoning those who thought we would be there through thick and thin.

It takes a different level of faith, courage and refinement to go even where angels fear to tread.

So I'll ask you now, would you marry a person living with HIV?

Would you stay with your partner if you find out they are HIV postive?