The Easiest Way To Break A Heart

I ducked as I saw him.
He was standing by his car and I wasn't sure if he was leaving soon. I stood where I was sure he wouldn't see me so I could watch him.

I had gone to shop but I contemplated leaving or waiting till I was sure he was gone. I decided to wait and before long he left. I felt bad about hiding and one would think I am a fugitive or that I'm indebted to him but it is me paying for my friend's sin.

I am avoiding a man I would have greeted cheerfully only weeks ago before he found out my friend was seeing someone else. Now we are all his enemies because he thought we knew all along.

I still recall the look on her face the day she broke the news to me. Her boyfriend had found out about the new man in her life and when he thought she would apologize and ask his forgiveness, she told him she wanted out.

She cried as she spoke "he was good to me really and deserves better but I couldn't even pretend to be sorry. I feel so terrible, I should have listened to you."
I looked on and said nothing.
"What do you think I should do now?" She asked.
I shrugged, "You didn't do what you should have done. Now you have to focus on your new relationship and if you think this still isn't it, leave honorably. He may be hurt but really there's no easy way to break a heart."

I had this conversation with my friend weeks ago, today I am hiding from her ex because I am yet to muster the courage to face him. Would I smile and ask if he is well when I know he isn't?
I had warned, encouraged & threatened her but eventually let her be because she was waiting for the 'right time' to call off a relationship she was done with.

This isn't me saying we should pick and drop people as we please like Warren Barfield sang in 'Love is not a fight', love is not a place to come and go to as we please, it requires a commitment to make it work and sometimes demand that we lock the door behind us, throwaway the keys and work it out together.
Love is something to be fought for but oftentimes we get to a point in relationships where we know there is no future in it for us and instead of letting go we hold on.

Sometimes it's the fear of the unknown especially if we have put in years and are not sure of what the future holds. It's as people say about the devil one knows being better than the angel one doesn't know but it is even better to dine alone than to dine with the devil.

Sometimes it's because we pity the other person and do not want to hurt their feelings but it's better to let them go than string them along till they find out - then you do not just hurt but shatter them. 

Sometimes it is a result of selfishness, wanting to eat your cake and have it. So you stay until you get your plan B, a new relationship.

Sometimes it is because we fear what people might say and sometimes it is because we know that the love we have isn't enough to sustain the relationship, other factors may be missing. 

Whatever the reason you give there is nothing honorable in holding onto a relationship you do not want anymore.
Nothing will justify stringing a person along when you know you want nothing with them. You may pretend to still like them but as has been said, the heart wants what it wants and it has nothing to do with logic so eventually you will have to bell the cat.

They may call you names, plead for another chance or even threaten you but you must remember that pain can make a person irrational.

So if you ever get to a point in a relationship where you know you want out, please leave so that your friends will not pay for your sins by avoiding the person you hurt.

There is no easy way to say 'I don't want this relationship anymore.'

The easiest way to break a heart is to let it fall when it trusts that you would hold it because you are waiting for the right time to say it is no longer safe in your hands.

An Ode To The One Who Holds My Heart

This is to the one who holds my heart.

The one who calls me blameless and faultless.

You who see a girl deserving of love when you look at me.

You have orchestrated my life's journey.

You called me by name long before I was born and have all my days written.

The author of my life, redeemer, saviour and friend.

The one who's always available and for whom distance and time is no barrier.

There is no alternative to you.

The one to whom I owe my loyalty because long after people come and go you will remain.

The one who specializes in doing the impossible and takes delight in surprising me.

You would never use me or ever betray my trust.

You are goodness personified, the embodiment of love.

You whose mercy makes me unashamed to run into your arms.

You see my heart and know my thoughts before I mouth them.

My future is past tense to you, the seeds of my womb are known to you even now.

You know my weakness and still love me with an everlasting love.

No one will ever take your place because your position is uncontestable.

Best cannot describe you because you are better than that.

The shepherd and lover of my soul.

The one who takes care of me.

A God that can't be seen but who's work is visible.

Elegbete! Oviero'de! Oghener'ovwegba!

This is for you my Father and my God.

What's Wrong With Being a Queen?

'Thank you for being a gentleman' I said as he gestured for me to stand in front of him as we made to cross the road saying "Ladies first".

He laughed as he said "you are welcome" and I added "I really appreciate acts of Chivalry. I like it when a man is chivalrous and I don't think it shows I'm weak as a woman."

"That's interesting" he said and added, "most women these days make it seem like there's a war and I think it shows insecurity."

The Sunday service had just ended and we (my colleague whom I had gone to Church with, and I) were walking to the car park across the road when the conversation started.

We paused to say hello to a few people and as we got into the car, I brought up the conversation again. 'So you were saying you think it shows insecurity on the part of women who seek equality?' I asked

"Not equality. What some feminists claim to be fighting for is funny. Imagine some women asking that females in the Police force be addressed as 'Policemen' just like their male counterparts. Like being called a Policewoman makes you any less effective than your male counterpart"

'Is there an argument about that?' I asked.

He nodded, "Of course, they are everywhere on Social media and you begin to wonder if they are at war with men." I told him found it ridiculous.

'What's wrong with being a Queen? I asked. 'A Queen is the female leader in a Monarchy just as a King is the male leader in a Monarchy. It's just like when some women call themselves Kings. A woman can never be a King just as a man can never be a Queen, they are titles given to each gender. It will be folly for the Queen of England for example to say she wants to be called a King just to prove her strength. She already wields power because she is the head of the British Monarch.' It was me speaking.

"Exactly. I think it reeks of inferiority and low self esteem to want to be called what you are not. In fact it is you giving whatever power you seek to take" He said and added "I think it's the devil out to destroy the family unit."

'I think it's not about feminism but anti-womanhood. These are women who hate the fact that they are women because they think it makes them inferior to men and it could be about experiences they had growing up.' I said as I nodded.

We talked about how some women may have derailed in the fight for equal treatment as men. This is a conversation I have had one time too many.
I have read about women who threatened to withdraw their children from school because the teacher taught them that the Father is the head of the home. I always assume that their mentality resulted from having an absentee father or partner as I doubt that a woman in a healthy relationship with the father of her child(ren), a woman who is happy and loved would say that. I may be wrong though.

I recall the social media drama that ensued when some Nollywood actresses who are separated from their husbands wished themselves 'Happy Father's day' this last Father's day. One got a reply from the father of her son. He asked why she would write that when he is fully involved in the child's life. She had to apologize.
I imagine the confusion the children will grow up in not knowing whether Mummy is Mummy or Daddy. 

You may not agree but I think it takes real confidence to accept your role as a woman and not feel threatened by a man or see the need to argue for superiority. Respect isn't gotten by drawing swords and threatening blood.

As a woman, whether you are raising your kids by yourself or not, you are a Mum and there is nothing wrong with being just 'Mummy'.
Gender equality isn't about declaring war against men or making comparisons every chance we get. It is not about raising our girls to think of men as the enemy/usurper.
It is about seeking equal opportunities for both our sons and daughters while still letting them be their authentic selves.
It is letting them know that their strength doesn't lie in their physical capabilities or genders but in their minds.
They can take on the world if they dare and their gender wouldn't matter.

Darling girl, being a Queen is enough.

Do not make yourself a victim of your mind or other people's ideologies, adjust your crown and own your place.

It All Comes Down To Love

"You have everything it takes to achieve your dreams. Your past doesn't matter, your future will be great and your path is paved of God. You are beautiful." She said in response to what I told her.

At that point I turned to my colleague who was by my right hand side, looked him in the eyes and said 'Everything you desire will come to pass, you are valuable regardless of the mistakes you may have made. God is on your side and he will grant your heart's desire.'

He responded with "What is ahead of you is better than what you started with. Just like Job your latter will be greater than your former. You are valuable and beautiful. For every loss you have suffered you will receive double."

As I muttered my thanks he leaned closer and added "you will receive double for your trouble" and I smiled at his attempt to rhyme. At this point the Pastor asked "How do you feel? Can you see that we all have the capability to bless and encourage others? We should do that more, bless, appreciate and encourage."

It was during service today.

Pastor Chris Ugoh was preaching and had in the course of the sermon asked everyone to stand up and encourage the people on their right and left hand side. "Just tell them words that will encourage them" he instructed.

It was to buttress the point he had made that we can see the good in others if we choose to and always say the right things about others if we are intentional.

I nodded in agreement just as everyone else, and I thought this an exercise worth practicing - everyday.

To be honest it was not easy at first. Looking at a stranger and searching their face for a clue on what to say. I first smiled sheepishly at the lady on my left hand side, she did the same too but after a few seconds I looked her in the eyes and spoke words of encouragement.

As the Pastor spoke I looked around and imagined the couple who were probably mad at each other even as they came into Church, the Parent(s) who may have told their child(ren) they are "good for nothing", siblings who may be holding a grudge against one another, people who had a rift in their relationship looking at each other and speaking words of encouragement to one another.

I imagined walls crumbling, affection welling up, love coming alive, passion being reignited, relationships being healed and thought this is how we should live daily.

As the sermon continued he noted that strife and envy are the major barriers to Unity and Love. "Being united isn't about thinking alike or always being in agreement but about being mature enough to put aside our differences in pursuance and achievement of a common goal." He noted.

"If we must work in unity, we must rise above that which makes us want to pull others down or envious when God blesses others."

As he went on I admitted to myself that loving others isn't easy.

It is hard.

It is hard to be patient and gentle all the time because even those we love will test us.
It is hard to speak good of others especially when we are angry with them.
It is hard to celebrate the success of others when it seems like nothing is working for you but always remember that the sky is big enough for more than one bird to fly.
What God does for them, he is able to do for you. They may just have persevered at a time when you would have given up if you were in their shoes.

Today I decided to keep company with only people who help me appreciate others and always seek the good in them.
This will not be easy but on the days when I need motivation I'll read this post again and remember that beyond passion and emotions, love is a commitment that must be renewed consciously day in and day out.

As Bebe Winans said "if I don't love you, I have missed the mark. It all comes down to love."

1,000 Reasons To Fail

'How's the wedding plan coming?' I asked.

"Very well o, I am taking my time and really do not feel much pressure. I look forward to the day." He responded.

'It's a good thing you started early. It takes off the pressure makes it all easy.' I noted and proceeded to ask as he nodded 'Have you picked your best man?'

I almost wanted to tell him I wouldn't mind being the best man - for friendship sake - but I didn't.

Instead I suggested guys I thought would fit the bill. We deliberated on that for a while before he stated that most of the young guys he had spoken to only had discouraging things to say.

"I have realized though that for every action you chose to take whether good or bad, there will be people who will give you 1,000 reasons why you shouldn't go ahead." He said.

'Very true', I responded nodding.

We had gone to get groceries and were headed home when the conversation started.

We were talking about his wedding which would hold in a few months and how far plans have gone when he reeled out the reasons some people have given on why he may be making a mistake with his decision to get married - now.

Some think he is still young and should 'enjoy' his life instead of letting a woman 'trap' him. Some others think he should still work a little more and save a little more, some say he should complete his building project and own a house before venturing into marriage amongst other reasons he mentioned.

What none of them bothered to ask is what he wants at this point in his life and how to make the most of the opportunity he has to start a family.

As we spoke we noted that it's the same with life. 

For everything you intend to do there will be naysayers whose specialty is giving you all the reasons why you may fail.

They usually claim to have walked the walk or at least know someone who tried and failed. They project their fears and insecurities onto you and if you are not careful or fully convinced about the reasons for your action, you may become discouraged.
But guess what happened to the man and woman that didn't take action because they didn't want to fail? Everyday they wonder what would have happened if they had just gone ahead and ignored the naysayers.

This isn't to say that you shouldn't heed advice especially from people whose judgment you trust, it's that sometimes you just have to trust your intuition and take charge of your life.

Take a step even when you do not see the whole stairway. If you succeed you will be encouraged to take on more but if you fall, you may learn a lesson or two on how to do better.

So if you have prayed about it and trust that God will take care of you no matter what, then forget about the 1,000 reasons why it may fail and look for the 1 reason why it may work.

Be like my friend who is going ahead to marry his Sweetheart in spite of the negative ninnies and their opinions and remember that the future belongs to those who take action today.

Set Yourself Free, Bring Out Your Skeletons, Clean Your Closet

Seventy times seven is 490 (Four hundred and ninety).

That's how many times the Bible asks us to forgive those who wrong us, daily.
I doubt that anyone would hurt us this much on a daily basis so I reckon that what Jesus Christ asks us to do is forgive as many times as we are offended.

He even goes on to say in the Lord's prayer "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us" - this is you being judge and jury for yourself as what you really say is, if I do not forgive them then do not forgive me.

Forgiveness.

It is spoken of as a virtue and from experience I can say this isn't easy to practice but you know what's more difficult?

Forgiving yourself.

That one is hard because you can cut off people who offend you but you have to live with yourself, for life.
We are told that holding onto grudges against others is being their prisoner but no one talks about forgiving yourself when you offend yourself, which is really hard.

As hard as this is, no one tells us what to do when the person who betrays us is the same person we have to face everytime we look in the mirror. The same person you have to go over the events of the day with, make decisions with, share the secrets no one may ever know with, bathe, feed, dressup and even sleep with everyday - yourself.

No one tells you what to do with yourself when you say things that get you in trouble or do things that cause you and others pain or embarrassment. No one tells you what to do to yourself when you look back on mistakes you wish you never made.

There are not enough songs, books, sermons, articles, seminars, counselling sessions on looking at yourself, recalling all the mistakes you could have avoided, all the words you could have left unsaid, the places you could have not gone to, the people you should never have let into your life, the actions you should not have taken and telling yourself - 'you messed up and I'm in this mess because of you, you could have done better, you should have known better but I understand that you are only human so I'll just have to give you another chance - after all what choice do I have?'

And because we do not hear enough of this we go on with our lives holding on to the past sometimes by talking about it every chance we get when what we really desire is an opportunity to go back in time and do better than we did or right the wrong.
We cut off people, avoid places, block out memories when what we should really do is let the memories come rushing back, admit our part in the mistake, accept responsibility, let go and then move on.

We are told to "dust yourself up and try again" but sometimes it takes more than dusting oneself up and shrugging off a mistake, sometimes it is not easy to just move on.

Sometimes it requires replaying the incidents and our actions in our mind - a private cinema for our mind's eyes only, beating ourselves up and crying, maybe even withdrawing/hibernating for a while by ourselves, deciding to do better next time, trashing the memory and consciously choosing to forgive ourselves.

It is easy to preach about forgiving others but we should also remember that sometimes we are the ones who need forgiveness.

Sometimes the person who has hurt you the most is you - with the bad business decisions you made, toxic relationship you got into and stayed in, pain you caused others, actions you took, lies you told, words you said, betraying the trust of those who believed in you, messing up the opportunites you got amongst other mistakes you may have made. 

Sometimes the prison you need to set yourself free from is the prison of your past mistakes, the prison of your conscience. Sometimes you need to own your mistakes because then no one can hold them against you and you can be sure to not repeat them. 
The only way you can only become whole again is to admit that you are not perfect and just like everyone else you too have fallen.

So take some time when you are by yourself to open your closet, bring out the skeletons, hold each one up and as you examine them recall how they came to be then clean out your closet and start again.

This may take some time but even life has its seasons too.
This is your Springtime, an opportunity to forget what happened during your winter and remember that you are a flower blossoming again as the Bible says in Psalms 30:5b "weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning."

Good morning sweetheart! It is another opportunity to forgive yourself and begin again.

Photo Credit: yourvibration.com

Fighting Temptation

Jite smacks her lips as she applies another coat of lipstick.

She smiles at her reflection in the mirror - smokey eyes, mascara coated lashes, highlights and red lipstick makes her look like she walked out of the page of a beauty magazine.

Her phone beeps, she picks it up and sees a message from Bayo, it reads "Will see you in 20 minutes, hope the food is steamy hot".

She smiles knowingly, he definitely isn't referring to dinner and she types "See you soon" with shaky hands. A part of her feels guilty but she still hears Adaora's voice in her head "You can't keep holding onto a man that is too busy for you when there are other men waiting to treat like a queen...you dey dull o."

She smoothes her hands over her peach lace gown and strikes a pose in front of the mirror pushing out her right hip as she puts her left leg in front of the right. It is the gown Tosan her boyfriend of thirteen months had bought her on his last trip to Ontario, she had promised him that she would wear it on a special occasion - in her head that would be on her birthday.

 She glances at her reflection one more time and drinks from her glass of Irish cream, she needs the drink for extra confidence.

She thinks to herself 'enough of dulling' and heads out phone in hand to the kitchen to serve the food she had made - Pasta with Turkey and vegetable stir-fry and Dodo.

As she scoops the Pasta from the pot to a bowl her mind drifts to the events that led to this moment.

It started on her birthday three months ago when Bayo hosted her and her friends Cynthia, Mena and Adaora to dinner and drinks.
She was supposed to spend the day with Tosan who was billed to return that day from his trip out of town but he called to say his trip had been extended by two more days promising to make it up to her when he returned.

Her friends had promised her a girls' night out when she noted that even though she knew Tosan loved her she was hurt and that he couldn't make it. He was always either out of town for business or locked in long meeting sessions at work but it turned out that Bayo had planned with Adaora to surprise her.

That was the night Adaora noted that she was dulling by holding onto a man that was too busy for her.
She had decided that night to give Bayo who she met at Adaora's sister Oge's wedding a chance and had gone on about four dates with him.

So when Tosan called yesterday that he had an impromptu meeting to attend outside town even after they had planned to spend the weekend together, she reached out to Bayo and invited him to dinner.

She is jolted to reality when she hears her phone ring, it is a message from Tosan.
As she reads it, a smile spreads across her face and she realizes she cannot destroy what they share.

It would take Bayo another 10 minutes to arrive but she calls him to cancel. She tells him she has an emergency at work, she has to cover for a colleague and will make it up to him another day.

He offers to drop her off at work as he is already on his way but she insists on going on her own.

At this point she hears a knock on her gate, she had heard Dauda open the main gate but thought it was a neighbour or their guest as she isn't expecting anyone.

She hurriedly walks to the room to get her house coat which she wears over the lace dress, takes off her scarf to let her hair fall and heads for the front door.

As she opens the door she sees Tosan standing outside all smiles.

"Surprise!" He exclaims and adds "Wow, you look so beautiful".

Before she can speak he bends to kiss her and continues "I have spent the past days rehearsing but now I can't even remember my lines..."

As he continues thoughts run through her mind and she feels her heart beating fast.

She hears Tosan say "No matter how busy it gets you are always on my mind. I want you on this journey with me forever, I love you and want to raise our children with you. Please have faith and take me as I am"

Then he goes on his knees as he brings out a ring from his breast pocket and asks "Will you marry me?"

Redefine Sophistication, Own Your Identity

"Say Warteh", she said and the children echoed "Warteh."
She was teaching them to pronounce Water but pronounced it as "War-teh" and I smiled at her attempt at phonetics, teaching them to sound foreign.

As I walked past the classroom towards the Proprietor's office I thought of the parents who would have paid heavily to ensure their children got good education which today includes having your child taught to sound foreign.

It was during my service year.

I had gone to the school which was one of the biggest in Yenagoa, Bayelsa state at the time for a meeting with the school's Principal. As I walked past the classroom after the meeting I heard one of the children speaking, she spoke in a sing-song manner and sounded like a robot.

Many years after especially when I worked in Admin/Human Resources, I encountered many children and even adults who in an attempt to sound 'foreign' end up sounding like they are singing their words.
They speak in accents that are neither American, British, Scottish, Chinese nor Nigerian and sometimes sound stressed as they have to maintain the high pitch sing-song key.

Parents pay heavily for schools that boast of British, American, Norwegian, 'all non-Nigerian' curriculum but children still may not get quality education and sometimes indulge in exam malpractice from as early as Primary school.

I do not blame parents though, it is the resultant effect of colonialism and a system that has failed us. We want better and because we have lost faith in our own, better becomes 'foreign'.

Foreign accents, food, clothes, cultures, names etal are prized over local ones - this in my opinion is neo-colonialism and having a system like ours contributes in no small way to this neo-colonialism. 

I am not saying we shouldn't teach our children to speak well, I am saying we should teach them well. I am also not saying we shouldn't embrace other people's culture it just shouldn't be borne out of a feeling of inferiority.

I have heard parents boast that their children will only answer English names but they give them names with Hebrew, Greek, Latin or Italian origins instead - for them foreign connotes sophistication. It is also like when people in some faiths get baptized and adopt foreign names as their old names are termed 'pagan' - this in my opinion depicts an acceptance of inferiority and shows disdain for our culture.

As a Broadcast Journalist, I have had training in phonetics and will tell you that when words are pronounced correctly you actually sound different from the person who hasn't been trained. Different however doesn't equate unreal.

Teachers should strive to teach children to pronounce words correctly as speaking the English language well doesn't translate into sounding 'unreal'. We should teach children to speak English while retaining their Nigerian accents.

The aim should be correctness not fakeness.

We ought to teach children to be proud of their 'Nigerian' identity which includes our accent, names, food, culture etal.

We shouldn't call a French or Spanish accent sexy and then call Chijioke bush when he speaks in his Igbo accent - they have all been influenced by their environments.

We should first accept and then own and celebrate our identity instead of holding onto the one handed to us by colonial masters.

Let's redefine sexy and sophisticated, Nigerian is.

Let Us Teach Our Children This Truth About Marriage

Days ago a colleague of mine shared his experience with a young girl who practically begged him to impregnate her.

She is only 17 and didn't mind that he is married. As we looked on in disbelief he noted that she said she would gladly be his second wife because men are scarce.

As he said this the question we all asked was "who sold that idea to her?"

You have probably seen the statistics given to prove that there are more men than women in the world. You might also have been told and may have told someone else this too.

But is it true?
A report by the World Atlas Society published last year reveals that there are more men than women in the world. See here https://www.worldatlas.com/articles/are-there-more-men-or-women-in-the-world.html I recall reading a Facebook post a guy shared once. He stated that proposing to a lady who is 34 years old or more isn't just a proposal but a rescue mission. As I read it, I imagined what he would teach his sons and daughters about marriage.

So many people loved his post and shared their comments in support of his opinion which goes to show it is the belief most people hold.

Women are raised to pursue marriage as their ultimate goal and are even encouraged to grab and manage any man that comes because men are a scarce commodity and a woman is like a flower that withers with time.

The result of this is that we raise a generation of women who feel incomplete and unfulfilled until they are Mrs Somebody.

We raise girls who suppress their desires, never find their voices and readily give up their dreams just to become somebody's wife.

Let me state here that I am not saying people shouldn't desire marriage, it just shouldn't be the ultimate goal of living.

We should stop making girls think they are not complete until they are somebody's wife.

We should stop telling girls that men are scarce.

We should stop raising girls who do not think about having a life before becoming a wife.

We should teach them that marriage is beautiful but it doesn't guarantee happiness neither is it the panacea for life's challenges.

We should teach them to fully understand and love themselves before they seek to love and understand someone else.

We should teach them that life is a journey and getting married is just an event in that journey.

We should teach our girls that it is okay to let go of men that are not good for them and whose values do not match theirs.

We should teach them that the biggest power they wield is the power to choose and that includes choosing who comes in or stays in their lives permanently.

Let us teach our girls and boys that our ultimate purpose in life isn't to get married and that no matter your age or status you do not rescue a person when you commit to love them and share your life with them.

Let us teach our children this truth about marriage.

We Had This Conversation About Sex

So I promised that I would write about the conversation that I had with my colleagues. I should have done this days ago but I have been battling the flu and fever - I'm better now and I'm grateful.

Our conversation started with the talk of superstition after a Wall Gecko fell on a colleague's Laptop (you may read about it in my last post) and from there we progressed to sex.

For the purpose of this post I will call my colleagues Ola, Efe, Ego and Vera.

It started with a question I asked.

'Is it true that most married women have been raped by their husbands? There was a conversation on Social media days ago about it and most women responded that they had been raped'.

My question wasn't directed to anyone in particular but as soon as I landed, Efe responded that it shouldn't be rape if it is between a man and his wife.
But Vera stated that a man who has sex with his wife against her will has raped her.

Then Efe cut in again "the challenge is that sometimes we do it not because we want it but because of you".

Vera eyed him and asked "how do you say you are doing it because of me even after I have made it clear that I am not in the mood?"

Efe responded again "most times when you say no we go ahead because of our pride, we need to know that we have what it takes to put you in the mood." Ola nodded in agreement.

At this point I asked 'how do you prove a point by forcing yourself on someone who has clearly said no?'

"How would you feel if you tell a man no today and he let's you be and then tomorrow and the day after he still let's you be after you say no? You would think he's cheating and so we try to make you change your mind even when we are not in the mood for sex just so you don't think that there's someone else", he responded.

I looked at him askance 'If I keep saying no shouldn't that be a sign that there may be an issue on my mind or one to be resolved? A man should be more concerned about finding out the problem and trying to solve it and seducing me instead of forcing himself on me just so he wouldn't disappoint me cos I wouldn't say no if what I mean is yes.'

He laughed and stated that I wouldn't understand as I am not a man.

That's when Ego asked "so how many times should a couple have sex in a week cos if we can have an average number it may help".

I responded with 'should that be measured? I think it depends on the couple, no two marriages are the same na'.

As soon as I responded Vera spoke up again "it usually happens a lot when you first get married in fact when we first got married I almost ran away o. We would have sex before we sleep, in the middle of the night and then early in the morning but after a while it happens like 2 or 3 times or even once in a week." She said.

Everyone else laughed as they shared their experiences.

At this point I remembered I was the only single person in the room so I kept shut and just listened as the conversation continued.

She said again "the number of times a couple have sex can't really be decided on as events may affect your plan but if you go a long time without sex, then it means there's a problem, a crack."

"How long would that be" Ego asked.

"3 months for example is proof that there's a problem unless one party is not around but if they are both in the same house for even a month without having sex when one isn't ill then there's a problem", Vera responded.

I looked at the others, they all agreed.

"Do you think sex is overrated?' I asked as I talked about a neighbor that beat up his wife because she didn't want to have sex.

"It can be abused but it is not overrated o because no matter how many times you have had it, there's this bond you feel each time you do it. It brings you closer and of course ensures procreation but beating up your wife because of sex is extreme." Vera responded.

"Maybe the guy thinks or has proof that she is cheating", Ola stated.

"What if she just wasn't in the mood for sex. What if they had sex already and she didn't want more? Vera asked and added "some of these things are caused by what you people see in Porn movies, where they have sex for hours nonstop in all kinds of position".
She went on to talk about how the kind of sex portrayed by porn actors is unrealistic and may set up a couple for frustration.

'Imagine hanging from the chandelier, head down and feet in the air while still screaming in excitement." I said and everyone laughed.

The conversation continued and one thing I learned is that men and women would always have different perspectives about sex which may result in conflict if there is no proper communication about expectations and agreement about boundaries between a couple.

What do you think?

Superstitious Beliefs, It May Affect You More Than You May Know

Growing up I heard a lot of superstitious claims. They were in my head and restrained me sometimes from certain actions.

I was told that whistling at night attracted evil spirits and I stayed away from whistling at anytime of the day - I guess that's why people laugh when I try to whistle, I end up making a funny sound instead.
I was told that killing a Wall Gecko would make me lose my ability to hold urine and cause me to urinate without restraint. This made us (my siblings and I) revere those creatures that adorn the walls of most homes - I still wonder how they find their way in.
I was told not to walk over the leg of a pregnant woman when she sits as that would make me pregnant - I knew nothing about unprotected sex so every pregnant woman was seen as a suspect, I stayed away.
I was told that kicking my left foot against a stone was bad omen as such each time it happened, I found myself praying against evil - now I know better.
And when my milk tooth pulled out, I was told to throw it on the roof to prevent chickens from eating them because if they did, my tooth (the permanent ones) would never grow again.

I have heard a lot of superstitious claims and believed some of them - but as I grew older and acquired knowledge I learned to do away with them.

I still hear certain claims and sometimes I laugh but today I had an experience that made me question some of these beliefs we call superstitious.

I was having a conversation with colleagues about work when all of a sudden one of us exclaimed. As we heard the exclamation, we all turned to him wondering why he exclaimed and he stated that a Wall Gecko had fallen on the Laptop computer of another colleague who had left his desk to sit with us.
Immediately the Laptop owner ran to his desk as everyone exclaimed, teasing him that the Wall Gecko falling was a sign that someone is pregnant for him - he is married so everyone assumed his wife would be pregnant.
I looked at them in disbelief as they - all of them - seemed so sure of their claim.
I turned to look at the Laptop owner who had a pensive look and was obviously deep in thought. 

'Are you seriously taking this to heart? You really believe this pregnancy talk?' I asked.

"Of course" he said and went on to share tales of friends who found out they had impregnated women after Wall Geckos fell on them.
He stated too that it had happened to him in the past.

"Okiemute it always works, a girl always comes days after Wall Geckos had fallen on my guys to claim she is pregnant for them and it always turned out to be true" he added.

Hmm, so Wall Geckos are the new kind of pregnancy test' I said laughing, I thought it was funny but everyone else didn't think so.

"Don't laugh o, remember that the spiritual controls the physical. These things we call superstitious claims are true". He added

'But they are unfounded and not based on facts' I said again but he said that not everything can be explained.

Just when I thought the matter had ended he said out loud "Since na my Laptop e fall ontop, na promotion dey come".
He gestured to his stomach and extended his hand over his stomach as though it were protuded like that of a pregnant woman and added "pregnancy na promotion but this time na money dey come, I claim am." 
I responded with 'Amen o' and we all laughed.

The conversation continued from superstitious claims to the existence of mermaids (majority said they exist) and then to sex which I'll write about in my next post.
As they shared their experiences and thoughts, I realized that some people still hold on to beliefs that affects their view of the world and the way they relate to people or respond to situations - whether they know it or not.

We may term these beliefs ridiculous but sometimes it is because these beliefs seem to have worked for them.
For example I still have a dislike for Cats - especially black Cats - because I grew up hearing how evil they are.

It's as they say, you can't judge a man until you have walked the same path as he and in his shoes too.

So do you believe in superstition or do you think it depicts an inability to think?

What are the beliefs you held or still hold that may be considered superstitious?

Any experience you would like to share?

Photo Credit: shrek.wikia.com

What Shall You Do Today?

A few days ago I received a mail, that dampened my spirit - literally. It was the response to something I had applied for and I was told it would not be possible - now.

My spirit was dampened because I had really prepared for it, expected it and even prayed about it so when I got a response contrary to my expectations, I was sad.

After I read the mail, I called a friend, spoke to him about it, and he tried to encourage me but it's always easier said than done.

That's the thing about disappointment, you can never really be prepared for it no matter how experienced you are, whether you are young or old, black, white or hispanic, a student, professional or an amateur, disappointments are never easy to bear.

Another thing about disappointments though is that dwelling on them could set you up for failure as you may feel so frustrated that you lose the desire to try again.

So as I thought about the new plans I'd have to make after receiving the mail, I prayed and proceeded to ask myself 'what shall you do next?'

As I asked myself that, I recalled a song that you may have heard too, especially if you have been to Church in Nigeria.
The one that starts with a question by the praise leader, "what shall you do today" and elicits the chanted response from the congregation "today o, I'll lift up my voice in praise".

The thing I realized about this response is that it really means "today, I'll choose to focus on all that is going right in my life and give thanks for them". 

This requires effort.

It requires effort to take your eyes off the hurt you feel from not getting what you really want or probably sacrificed a lot for to focus on the blessings you have because sometimes the blessings seem insignificant compared to the loss.

But dwelling on loss is the easiest way to frustration and ultimately depression.

As I asked myself 'what shall you do today', I told myself that I will focus on the good in my life which is a lot.

So 'What shall you do today'.

Before you respond think of the fact that the worst hasn't happened yet - you are not dead and life is worth more than you could have paid for.

To be alive is to have the opportunity to try again.

So today focus on all the blessings you have and even when it all makes no sense, be thankful and do whatever it is that makes you happy because sometimes courage is the small voice that says at the end of the day "tomorrow I'll try again".

What shall you do today?

Photo Credit: www.shutterstock.com

Please Don't Laugh - My Natural Hair Journey

As I write this I feel pain and discomfort because of the heat from the hand dryer being used to blow-dry my hair. My stylist does this after washing my hair to make it soft and straighten it before a new hairstyle is made.

'Ah, ohh, shhh' are the sounds I make in response to the pain and now I ask myself as I always do if it's all worth it - the pain I mean.

I know they say beauty comes with a prize or something like that but is the pain from having heat applied to my scalp and afterwards having my scalp pulled in the name of making my hair worth it? 

Should I just cut my hair?

Or should I join the train of naturalistas by grooming my natural hair saying goodbye to relaxers and heat from blow-drying for good?

The latter sounds more appealing as I will still have my hair to style as I please whenever I choose. 

Maybe I should try being a naturalista and hopefully this time I wouldn't give up halfway like I did the last time I tried - yes o this wouldn't be the first time.

Talking about the last time I tried, let me tell you what happened.

It happened about 2 years ago.

It seemed like all of a sudden cool was being redefined as having natural hair.

My colleagues were doing it, girls at the salon were doing it and even people on TV - it was the birth of a revolution, African women were owning their 4c type hair and rocking it too.

Ladies were either cutting their hair low in a bid to groom it from scratch or staying away from relaxers until they could have their 'big chop' - you leave your hair unrelaxed for months and then cut off the part of your hair that had been relaxed leaving the new roots of the hair that is free from relaxers.

I thought the latter was better and decided to go for it.

2 months passed without applying relaxer to my hair and I felt really proud as I thought very soon I would be among the new cool girls and become the archetypal African woman - those who wore their natural hair proudly.

I was on my journey and was determined to succeed so even on the days when I felt tears welling up in my eyes from the pain of combing my 'unrelaxed and strong' hair dew for relaxing - I would remember the other revolutionary African women like my colleagues and bear the pain.

When I spoke to other members of the natural hair team, I was asked to apply Shea Butter and water to soften the hair before combing it but that didn't help much, honestly.

The thing is I have little threshold for pain.

I am the girl that will never have another ear piercing even if I wanted to or even get a tattoo because I just cannot bear pain.

Even having my blood drawn with syringe for blood tests usually results in drama - no matter how hard I try, I still manage to scream till everyone and their mum is coming in to check if a woman in labour is stuck in the lab.
They are usually always stunned when I strut out minutes later in heels like nothing ever happened.

I guess you now see why even Shea Butter couldn't solve the problem of the pain from my near-natural hair.

I bore the pain all the same for all of 3 months and would have continued but something happened one day.

I had loosened my hair and was combing it in front of my mirror when I noticed the tears streaming down my face again. I blinked them back and continued combing but the more I combed the more pain I felt and the more the tears flowed. After a while I couldn't hold back anymore and I let out all the tears I had been holding back for months - there in front of my mirror, all by myself I burst into tears. I literally was wailing.

As I looked at my reflection I realized this natural hair journey isn't for everyone and that natural hair or not I would still be the Archetypal African woman.

I picked up my phone, called my Stylist and told her I was headed for the Salon.

When I got there she advised that I add avocado, mayonnaise, raw eggs, coconut oil and some other ingredients I cannot remember now to my hair to make it soft and sleek.
As she listed the items all I saw was salad and I imagined making salad and applying it to my hair instead of eating it.

As she spoke, some members of the natural hair club added their suggestions talking about how they sustained their natural hair. While they all spoke I scanned the Salon for the shelf where relaxers are kept, quietly picked one and handed it to my Stylist - Christ didn't die for me to bear pain and feed my hair food that I should eat in the name of carrying natural hair.

That was how the journey ended for me but today is another day, I still see so many ladies rock their natural hair beautifully and maybe the pain from combing my natural hair may not hurt as it did before.

Thinking of it now, I may embark on the journey again - hopefully I would do my African sisters proud this time.

Religion Over Competence? Maybe This Is Our Problem As A People

I listened as the announcer on Radio reeled out the qualifications needed for a job vacancy he was announcing. The vacancy was for an Admin Officer/Personal Assistant.

He stated "you must be Born again, God fearing, Have a BSc in Business Administration, at least 2 years of work experience..." as he went on I almost laughed out loud, I wanted to believe it was a joke. 

Born again and God fearing as qualifications for a job?
How would you measure how much 'fear of God' a person has?
Can anyone not claim to be Born again and God fearing?
How will these qualities affect their ability to work effectively?
What happened to competence and integrity?
How about past records etal?

You may say it is up to a person to decide what he wants for his organization but I think using these criteria as a yardstick for qualification may make their search an exercise in futility as they may lose competent candidates who may not apply because they are not 'Born again and God fearing' - that is if they choose to be honest.

They may also attract people who out of desperation would claim to be 'Born again and God fearing' even if they are not, just to get the job.

Again, how can you tell that a person is God fearing from a CV or job interview?

How can you even measure 'fear of God'?

It is the thing they say about Nigerians, we are a religious bunch.

We are so religious that we would trump religion over competence and character.
This has in no small way contributed to the predicament we find ourselves in and maybe our problem as a people.

We play the religion card with who we choose to vote to lead, who we buy from and do business with, who we employ for a secular job and even who we deem as beffiting of our help in time of need.

In fact I know of people who go to particular churches because the CEO or manager of an organization they want to work in worships there.
For them it is not about fellowship but about association as they believe attending the church may get them the job.

I also know of people who go to church solely for business connections. So worshipping there makes them the first to be considered for contracts the church wants to execute and vacancies that may be available within the church's business arms or that of members.

They are like the proverbial Okoro that would go to the mountain if the mountain wouldn't come to him and going to church for them is a matter of survival. As science has taught us, in the battle of survival only the fittest survive.

I am a Christian and would gladly tell anyone about Jesus and his saving love but I also know that following Jesus is a matter of faith and has nothing to do with a person's professional competence and capabilities.

I also know that there are people who are not religious but their character and commitment to work would leave you in awe.

I believe it is important to surround yourself with people with similar beliefs and values as you but I think that with work especially when it is not within a religious organization, we should prize integrity, competence, character and a willingness to learn over religion.

These are my thoughts. What do you think?

May You Not Believe Them

May you find reasons to smile every time you look in the mirror.

May you not believe the lies they tell you about your physique and abilities.

May you not believe them when they say your dreams are too big.

May the words they say to break you not make you lose faith in love and life.

May you remember that no one is perfect and that you are a work in progress, a seed that will blossom.

May you find beauty in your scars and may each one be a reminder of battles won.

May you have the wisdom to know that love not backed by action isn’t love.

May you not depend on romantic love to shore up your self image.

May you have the discernment to tell when all they want is your flesh and care nothing about your soul.

May you heal from the past hurts and open yourself to life’s goodness.

May you remember that you are stronger than pain and that a diamond with flaws is worth more than a pebble without imperfections.

May you remember that you are special but you need to first know how special you are before others will.

May you remember that people will err and so it's best to hold them to a standard of grace and not perfection.

May you find beauty in your self first and love yourself enough so you can receive the kind of love you deserve when it finally comes.

Maybe This Is For You

Keep this in mind all through this month and the remaining part of the year.

 Xoxo!

If It Rains Tonight, How Do You Plan To Keep Warm?

It's a cool Sunday evening and I just had a meal of hot rice and goat meat stew.
Shortly before I did, it threatened to rain and so I had to bring in the clothes I had hung on the line to dry.

As I packed the clothes in, I wondered how those who live in flood prone areas here in Port Harcourt will cope as it has been raining heavily for the past days and many people have already been forced out of their homes because of the flood.
Some business owners have closed shop too like they did for most of last year because of the flood - the government is yet to deal with the issue as promised.

As I thought about those in flood prone areas here in Rivers state who will have a hard time scooping water from their homes and keeping their children and property safe, I remembered those who probably wish all they had to deal with was flood. 

The mother who probably didn't have time to grieve her dead children because she had to scamper for safety and only heard about their mass burial on the news.

The man who probably watched his darling raped brutally before she was murdered in cold blood. He pictures her face now as he looks at his legs that have been cut off and he realizes that he may never walk again but even that wouldn't have mattered if his pregnant wife was by his side.

Then there is the little boy who has no idea where his parents and siblings are. As he sits amongst strangers he sees his sister's face and as he looks at the plate of food that has been handed to him - a plate of watery soup and eba, he wishes he could share it with her as he always did and he wonders why nothing has been done to catch the men who broke the peace and quiet he knew and took everything that was familiar - his parents and sister, their farms, food, property and friends.

He watches the men and women who have become his family in this place called a camp for Internally Displaced Persons as they discuss their ordeals - one woman has no idea where her children are, another watched her husband decapitated before her eyes and yet another man is still in shock as all he remembers is the heat from the fire he was saved from, he has no idea where his life has gone.

I think of them and I feel the tears drop from my eyes because while I have my warm room to lie in when it rains, my fellow country men have been deprived the right to warmth, peace, freedom of movement and association.

Some have been murdered in cold blood and others have been made refugees in a country that is not at war.

Over 200 women and children have died in Plateau, thousands have been buried having been murdered thoughtlessly in Benue and so many others in the Middle Belt live in fear because they know they are not safe and there is nothing they can do about it. 

The President advised that they learn to tolerate their fellow countrymen and even told them not to blame him for the killings.

The Defence Minister stated that whatever has happened is a communal clash resulting from the law against open grazing.

The Senate President thinks it is unfortunate that such killings are happening at a time when the country is preparing for an election.

The world is tweeting and talking but no one is accepting responsibility and none has been held accountable so far in a country where the lives of Cattle have been prized over that of Human beings.

A mockery is being made of humanity, a people's trust have been broken, a child is being made to feel that the world is against him, an army of aggrieved children is being bred, a generation that know nothing about love, warmth and kindness is being raised and all the leaders care about is the next election.

The killer herdsmen have brought terror like have never been witnessed in the history of Nigeria and no one has been made to pay.

We must keep talking about it and require a righting of this wrong as the next bloodshed may be closer than you think.

The cloud has gathered and if nothing is done, we may experience a downpour like we have never seen.

It may rain anytime, maybe tonight.

If it does how do you plan to keep warm?

Having Your Friend Inspect Your Wife's Vagina

Imagine that your wife is in labour and you are caught up in traffic on your way to the hospital but your friend who's also with you and has experience with delivery offers to help you deliver your baby which would mean touching and putting his fingers in your wife's Vagina, would you let him?

Ladies what would you do if you were in such a situation?

This is exactly what happened in the movie "The Best Man Holiday". I just watched it - for the 70th time I guess.

Harper's (Taye Diggs's character) wife goes into labour while they are on holiday in Lance' (Morris Chestnut's character) house and on their way to the hospital it becomes evident that they may not make it because of the traffic.

That's when Lance offered to help with the delivery. 

Harper thanked him smiling, as he thought all Lance had to do was tell his wife to "Push!"
But Lance handed him his phone and said "I'll have to inspect her Cervix (Vagina)".

Harper's expression changed and he looks at his friend askance hoping he was joking when Lance reassuringly adds

"Don't worry, I know my way around the Vagina". 

Before they reached a decision the wife who is in serious pain and whose only concern is to have her child immediately screams "Get on with it!" and that was it.

As I stated, this happened in a movie but who says it cannot happen in reality?

I addressed the question to you men because I assume that a woman in labour wouldn't be bothered about who sticks their finger in her vagina - the pain would make anything tolerable.

I recall the story told of a man who first refused to let a male Nurse inspect his wife's Cervix (Vagina) when she was in labour, he eventually had to though when she slapped him and he realized it was a matter of life and death.

I also read a woman's experience about having to leave a party because she met the Doctor that delivered her baby at the party.
She had not expected to meet him outside the hospital and she said seeing him dressed in suit and laughing with a drink in hand, made her realize he was like any other man and he had seen her Vagina.

She was too embarrassed and had to leave.

So imagine your friend who was probably there while you courted your wife and who would be there long after your baby is born.

Would you let him inspect and insert his fingers in your wife's vagina?

This is just me thinking out loud but it would be a matter of life and death you know, so what would you do?

Stop Dreaming, Start Clapping!

It is the first day of July and the beginning of the second half of the year.

It is that time when you are expected to review your goals and see how far you have come but what you really need to do isn't to review your goals, what you need to do is to clap for yourself for having made it thus far.

You may have ticked off half of the plans you had for this year or may not even have started with the first, still you must clap for yourself.

This is because life is more than a 'to-do list', it is a collection of our experiences whether good or bad and demands to be lived and until you begin to appreciate the success of even just getting through each day, you may not appreciate the success of climbing mountains.

Do not wait for others to appreciate you before you appreciate yourself.

Until you learn to start clapping for yourself no one else will.

It's like the Igbo proverb says "when the Agama lizard fell off a palm tree he nodded to himself and said if no one praises him, he would praise himself". He acknowledged his effort, encouraged himself in adversity and saw beyond the present.

This is easier said than done because everyone needs motivation but I have learned that sometimes the only motivation you will get is the one you give yourself.

Sometimes you have to pause, pat your own back and continue in your work.

Sometimes you will be your only fan but you must stay consistent.

Consistency is harder when no one is clapping for you especially when no one else think your performance is worth clapping for but you have to remind yourself why you started and let that spur you on to continue in your work.

So starting today drop your list of goals, stop the dream and just clap for yourself even if the sound isn't loud and your hands hurt, keep clapping.

Clap first and then begin again to dream and stay consistent with your work.

Remember the saying, it is okay to be both a Masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.
Be your biggest fan cos if you aren't, who will?

Welcome to July!