Motherhood: The Gift You Cannot Purchase

"Eyes on the shuttle. No matter what is happening around, keep your hand firmly on your Racket and stay focused. Until the game is over, nothing else matters".

You smile as you watch them. Kore, your husband of 12 years teaching Makashe your 4 year old daughter to play Badminton.

As you watch them you recall your sessions with him, many years ago.

You were an amateur player and he was an award winning Badminton champion.

You met on the court where you first started going to play. Playing was a hobby you took up more from boredom than passion.

You had just finished your final exams and project defense and was home waiting for your results and also preparing for the National Youth Service Corps program.

"Eyes on the Shuttle. Focus...no, forget about me and keep your eyes on the Shuttle...wait...hold your Racket firmly. Like a sword." He would take the Racket from whomever he was coaching, to show them. "Can you see the way I'm holding it? It is your sword, for defense and offense. So use it and make sure you never drop the ball or in this case the shuttle."

He would hand back the Racket, and the game would continue.

There were other Coaches but he was evidently passionate about the game and each time he tutored you, your passion grew.

After each game, while others sat to have drinks, he would briefly exchange pleasantries, get in his car and drive off. He never stayed back for small talk.

You admired his passion and discipline but more importantly, you admired him.

He wasn't drop dead gorgeous but he was attractive. He had a calm demeanor and a look that seemed to say "I'm here to win the game of life."

Those were his words the first time you talked. It was after a tournament that your team won.

"I see life as a game that can be won with the right strategy and I am here to win the game."

As you conversed, he commended you. "I like your discipline and commitment" he said. "If you put this into other aspects of your life, success is guaranteed. That's why I like Badminton, it's like life itself."

Hearing him compliment you meant more to you than winning the tournament.

That was the day he asked you out on a date. For some seconds you didn't know what to say. A Date? With Obakore the disciplined, suave Doctor cum Badminton Champ?

You kept smiling when you heard him say "You don't have to say yes. I just thought it would be nice to hang out in a different environment, away from the court."

"Yes. It's okay" You retorted quickly. "I would love to."

Then he smiled and you smiled too.

You watch him now with Makashe. Like him, she seem like she was born to play and win the game. She served the shuttle and returned his passes with vigour. She didn't even look in your direction, her eyes were on the Shuttle and nothing else seemed to matter.

As you watch them, you reminisce on all that has happened in the last 13 years. So much has changed from that day you both went on your first date.

Kore proposed marriage 5 months after and 10 months into your relationship, you were married. You were 24 and he was 29 years old.

You were still serving at the time and in those early days you felt your heart would burst from too much happiness. You were happy in a way that felt illegal. Kore was an all or nothing man and loved the same way. He held nothing back in showing how much he loved and valued you. Life was perfect.

After service year, you joined your Mum in her catering business and 2 years after, you started your own company.

Kore's medical practice was sailing smoothly. All was well until three years after, then the questions started. "Why is your tummy still flat? Why have you not started a family?"

Even friends asked when you both planned to start a family.

You had thought marrying meant starting your family but soon learned that for society a couple become a family only when a child is born.

You didn't give much thought to comments but three years passed and you still hadn't taken in. The tests results said you both had nothing to worry about.

In the fourth year of your marriage, you decided to try In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) but two attempts failed. 

You had faith still. Then five years passed and people started using words like 'barren' and 'infertile' to describe you.

You would attend baby showers and then naming ceremonies and dedications and birthdays and yet another baby shower and you wondered why your case was different.

You started having sleepless nights but the last straw was an altercation between Kore and his Mum.

Kore's sister who lived in Norway was expecting a baby and his Mum who was to go nurse her stayed the night at your house. She was to fly the next day from the Nnamdi Azikiwe International Airport. 

It was the kind of visit you dreaded but all seemed to be going well until she brought up a conversation about a Pig rearing business she intended to start because a church member doing same business said Pigs bore as many as 10 to 14 Piglets per litter. She thought it would be good investment unlike Fishery where she lost over 300 fishes. From Fishes and Pigs she began a sermon on fruitfulness. Even Jesus cursed a Fig tree for not bearing fruits. Then she turned to you and asked if you knew of anyone that may have cursed you.

That questioned turned into an argument that ended in Kore asking his beloved Mum whom he revered above everyone else never to come to his house or interfere in his life again.

The next day, his entire family began to call. The clan came down on you, the barren woman who makes a son disrespect his mother.

Those were the worst days of your life.

You curled up and cried but Kore would remind you that you were enough.

"You are the prize my darling, not a baby."

But words no longer meant anything to you. You couldn't hold words in your arms or feed them and play with them like you did with your Nieces and Nephews.

"You can't let life dictate to you. You have to set a new standard for your happiness" he would say.

You tried to be strong like him but you couldn't. The world judged you more than it did him and before long you began to question his love for you. 

What if he too got tired? What if he left you?

As your insecurity grew, your faith and confidence waned and you began to lose yourself.

In your quest for a baby, you met other women in the same predicament.

You visited churches, herbal homes and fertility specialists. You chewed leaves that you never knew existed, drank concoctions of all kinds and even carried out rituals but it was all an effort in futility.

You still remember the day you were told to buy a pregnant Monkey. You were to care for the Monkey till it delivered and when the infant was born, you would strap it to your back, a few hours for seven days chanting incantations.

You bought the Monkey and got a farmer to nurse it till it delivered. You were there on the day it delivered and as you watched the newly born Monkey suckle its mother's breast you pictured it on your back and you realized that you were going crazy.

You left the farm on that day crying. You wondered what Kore who had no idea what you had been doing would say if he knew half of what you had done.

That was the day you decided to dictate to life.

You vowed never to stress over a baby and focused on your relationship with God. You took courses for your business and made peace with Kore's Mum. She was still hostile but you didn't let her attitude bother you.

You began to work with organizations that support girls looking to sell their children because of poverty, neglect/abscondment by their partners or because of the circumstances surrounding their pregnancy like rape. You joined in counselling them and setting them up with businesses and jobs.

It was in the 7th year of your marriage that you became pregnant for the first time. You still recall the day you held Makashe in your arms, her little fingers curled around yours as she breathed gently against your skin. You cried so much as you watched her, and called her Makashe an Urhobo name meaning 'Angel'. She is the gift you could never have paid for.

Aside the girls, you also started a group for other couples trying to conceive. Everyone shares their story, encouraging one another and praying with each other because a couple with the right information and a strong support system will have an easy journey.

Like you, they too learned to dictate to life and not waste their pain. Some members of the group also started to have their babies.

Today, you are pregnant again and as you watch Makashe play with Kore, tears fill your eyes because more than anyone you understand that children are priceless gifts that can never be earned. The only thing a recipient can do with their gift is VALUE and NURTURE it the best way possible.

You have learned that Motherhood is a gift that can't always be purchased.

Surviving Abuse, Today The Caged Bird Sings

You look at the young lady sharing her story of rape and your mind flash back to that day, many years ago.

"Kiss me." He had said the words calmly.

You stood dazed, unsure of what to do. 

As you stared at him, you could tell that he wasn't joking. You felt your palms getting warm and moist but you did not move.

He sat down, then he pulled you unto his laps. You followed like a dummy, almost as though a spell had been cast on you. 

You who would mince no words in telling any guy off, sat still on his laps, his hands groping your body. He moved from your waist to your breasts, but you cringed and he stopped. 

He waited for about thirty seconds and moved up to your shoulder.

He tried to massage your shoulders, maybe in a bid to calm your nerves but you just sat still. Then he turned your head and tried to kiss you. You were uncomfortable, your neck hurt because of your sitting position and every part of your body screamed "NO!", but you said nothing. 

You did not respond to his kisses either, but he continued and kissed you for about a minute.

Then he stopped.

As you sat on him, you could feel his erection building and your feet curled in irritation. He was breathing heavily, you could feel his heart beating fast. You wanted to tell him off, but you couldn't. You just sat still and when he tried to pull you in for another kiss, you wrigled out of his arms, shaking your head. You couldn't stand up and it was as though a force kept you down. You simply shook your head and fought back tears.

Then he turned you to himself and whispered the words he had said many times before. The words that made him earn your trust, enough to get you in a hotel room alone with him.

"You are like a daughter to me, and I always have your best interest at heart. I'll never hurt you."

You believed those words and even though his present actions negated his promises, you couldn't react.

How could you? He was the one you confided in about almost anything and even your parents had come to trust him.

You imagine what their reaction would be if you told them what just happened.

"Chief Lucky? No, he wouldn't do that."

Even your friends would ask "are you sure of what you are saying?" 

He was your hero and your faith in him had earned him the respect of the people in your life. He probably was a hero in their eyes as well.

Chief Lucky.

Those who had not met him had read about him on the news. He was an overachiever, a pioneer in the field of Engineering, a doting father and loving husband.

He was a quintessential gentleman. Refined and elegant. He spoke about everything with aplomb, from international politics to local politics, cars, sports, music, culture, dance, books, fashion, food and wine. He loved his wine and had them delivered from different parts of the world.

You still remember when he invited you on a trip to Paris. You wondered aloud what you'd be doing with him on such a trip and he had joked about wanting you to drink Champagne in Paris and to see 'high fashion, real Couture'.

You declined politely noting that you had exams coming up and he gave a half hearted laugh saying "what would be my excuse to my staff for travelling with you? I was just teasing and I'm impressed that you said no, just as I expected. Not many young ladies would say no to such an offer, I'm proud of you."

He had pulled you in for a hug that day and you suspected that he wasn't teasing but you shrugged it off.

He was someone you looked up to and he had consistently been a pillar of support from the first day you met him, a meeting you had termed as divinely orchestrated.

You had gone to his company to seek Internship placement.

As you sat at the reception waiting to see the HR officer, he walked in. He was seeing off a guest whom you later found out was the Speaker of the House of Assembly.

He glanced in your direction briefly and before you could mutter any greeting, walked out with his guest.

The HR officer later said they had accepted the maximum number of Interns for the year and politely turned down your application. As you walked out of the premises, in low spirits, you saw him again, standing at the drop off area as he waited for his driver. He asked what you wanted and you told him. He gave you his card and asked that you call later as he was in a hurry.

When you spoke that evening, he said that even if he could give you an Internship opportunity or even a job, he wouldn't, as he was a man of integrity and loved to follow due process.

He referred you to another company in the Oil and Gas sector where his friend was General Manager. He said you'd have to earn the position there as a referral was all he would give - he was a man of integrity.

You were accepted as an Intern and for one year, you learned the practical aspects of Petrochemical engineering. You also developed a relationship with Chief Lucky.

He monitored your progress, offering advice, opened you up to training opportunities and chastised you where necessary. He never gave money and you never asked but he always reminded you that you were meant to do great things and had the potential to be great.

It was the weekend your Internship ended, that he joked about taking you to Paris.

Weeks after that, after you returned to school, he called to say he had returned from his trip and was in your town for a business meeting.

You had gone to his hotel room with excitement and as usual spoke to him about everything, all that had happened since as well as your plans after school, seeking advice.

He had offered advice and called up a friend who was the General Manager of a multinational company in the Petroleum industry. He put the phone on speaker and you were excited as you heard him extol your virtues and qualities. You knew with his influence, you would easily get a job after graduation. You were in awe of him.

So minutes later when he asked you to kiss him, you were too petrified to tell him off.

As he reminded you "You are like a daughter to me, and I always have your best interest at heart. I'll never hurt you", you were not sure what to do, how to respond because you trusted him too much and never saw this coming.

As you left his hotel room, you didn't know whether to be angry but you felt desecrated and weak.

After graduation, you got a job - not in his friend's company nor through his influence, but you shared the news with him excitedly. 

As you progressed through your career, he was always on hand with advice and counsel. Everyone in your life including the men you dated, knew and respected him as your mentor. What they didn't know was that he tried to make you kiss him many times after that first day but you were never bold enough to confront him.

Sometimes you simply stayed rigid in his arms and at other times you stood up to sit away from him. But you kept going back even though you were no longer the naive young girl that sought validation and support from him. 

You kept going back even after he pleaded with you to have sex with him saying he had been 'inexplicably drawn to you' from the first day he set eyes on you. He cried so much that day, saying no woman ever made him feel so weak and you still wonder how you were able to resist him.

Years later, you sit on a Panel discussing 'Power Dynamic: Abuse In the Workplace and the Various Forms It Takes', you had been invited to share your success story and help other young women navigate a male dominated industry. 
As you listen to participants share their stories, you recall your experiences with Chief Lucky and for the first time, it dawns on you that you too have been a victim of abuse.

You recall the time he begged you to spend the night with him, you agreed because you couldn't bear to see him cry the way he did. You felt pity for him even though you knew it was wrong and you thought he was helpless. 

The next morning you were thankful that he didn't force himself on you but today you realize that he did force his will on you. You realize now that he abused the power he wielded over you, took advantage of the fact that you were hungry for success and broke the trust of a girl who held him in awe.

You had read stories of abuse and you never considered yourself a victim but sitting in this room full of women who had faced abuse in various forms took the scales off your eyes.

You too are a survivor. 

But unlike many of the women, you are still attached to your abuser. He is still in your life occupying the space of Mentor, his name is still tatooed on your heart.

As you watch the women brave enough to share their story, you realize that all along, you had been a caged bird bearing the agony of an untold story inside of you.

Today, you will tell your story! Today, you will sing! Today, you will EXHALE!