How Will She Tell Her Husband She Tested Positive To HIV?

"If I tell my husband, the marriage will cut off." What she meant was that the marriage would be called off, her husband would leave her.

As she spoke I listened and watched her intently.
She struggled to blink back the tears that were threatening to fall.
I had a hard time holding mine back too.

"I cannot tell her and it's disturbing me." She said. 

Her here is her husband. She had warned me that she couldn't speak fluent English and I switched to Pidgin.

"Madam no shaking o, I be Warri girl." I said.
We all laughed but she continued the conversation in English - broken English.

This happened a few days ago. I am working on a Special Report about how Antenatal Care (ANC) aids the Prevention of Mother To Child Transmission (PMTCT) of HIV and had to interview her.

She is living with HIV but have had children who are negative. She contracted the virus when she had a blood transfusion after her first child was born. She lost a lot of blood and had to be given blood which apparently wasn't screened leaving her with HIV. She only got to find out when she got pregnant with her second child and had to attend Antenatal Care. She was tested for HIV and came out poisitive. 

How would she tell her husband?

She was certain that he would send her out if he knew. He too had to be tested without his knowledge and the results showed he is negative. 

It's been 3 years since she found out about her status and she has had her third child yet her husband isn't aware of her HIV status. I asked if they have sex without condoms and she nodded. I knew immediately that her viral load is suppressed, this also means that she's been adherent with the Anti-Retroviral Therapy (ART).

I asked if her husband hasn't asked why she's always taking medication or suspected anything.

"I hide the drugs from him. He doesn't know." She replied and added, "I know the person I have, if he finds out he will treat me badly and insult me. The marriage will end. This is my problem."

She was tearful as she spoke. My heart went out to her. She already knows her marriage isn't for better or worse.
I do not know which is worse, living with the virus or knowing one cannot count on their partner for support. We agreed that her face would have to be blurred on TV as we cannot have her husband or family members finding out about her HIV status on TV.

As I headed back to work, I couldn't stop thinking about her. Living with such a secret cannot be easy. 

I spoke to my colleagues about her story afterwards and most of the guys who are married said she should have told her husband. When I asked how they would respond, most said they would end the union.

So would you blame her for keeping mum especially in a patriarchal society like ours?

In my opinion I think the worst thing that can happen to anyone in marriage would be to have a partner that you cannot open up to about everything.
In marriage two become one and that's why we are to be very careful in choosing our partners because while traveling alone might be hard, feeling lonely even when you have company has to be harder.

Her story chronicles that of many married women in Nigeria. They are married as a duty and the men are lords doing them a favor so they bear the brunt of whatever challenge the family faces on the journey. The man almost always has the final say and this is mostly because most women are dependent on the men - financially.

Love really is a choice that we have to make over and over again.

P.S: The World Health Organization reports that Nigeria has the highest number of HIV infected babies.
Only 40% of pregnant women attend Antenatal Care in Nigeria according to the Federal Ministry of Health so if we must reduce the number of babies born with HIV, more pregnant women need to attend Antenatal Care.

Today I Call Him Eben, For Short

I still remember that morning in March.

I had woken up with a start, my heart heavy with a weight that had become familiar. That morning though, unlike in the past days, weeks and months I heard his voice. It was subtle but clear. I could almost picture his face, see him, touch him even. He seemed to be looking at me arms akimbo and then seem to place one hand on his cheek. The pose you take when giving someone rapt attention.

The look in his eyes seemed to say "Okiemute you can do better than this. I made you for more. Called you for more."

I looked at him briefly and looked away, I was ashamed. I was in a place I had no business being in, doing what I shouldn't even have contemplated. 
Then I looked at him again.
The look in his eyes wasn't one of reprimand, he seemed to be saying "Come home Okiemute, let's work this out together."
"You mean I don't have to do this on my own?" I asked.
"No you don't. You just didn't reach out for help but now I wouldn't wait for you to reach out. I will help you if you let me."

I still remember clearly because on that morning I burst into tears and reached out to him. I had thought I had gone too far because even when I tried, I couldn't help myself.

He held me.

It was an intimate embrace, one of reassurance. The kind you give to a beloved who strayed from home. The kind that says "Welcome home. You are safe here."

On that day in March, as he held me I spoke to him. Saying how sorry I was, promising to do better if he stood by me. And I made a commitment to never turn away again if he caused a change that is evident. He promised and I began a new journey with him - again.

That day I wrote out the things I wanted and even though I wasn't sure how I would get them, I decided to trust him.
Days turned into weeks and though it seemed like not much had changed, the metamorphosis had begun. I had cleaned my closet and was collecting new things, habits, building new relationships. 

Weeks turned into a month, a month became months and before long it was evident that a new thing had begun for me. He kept his part of the deal and surprised me in ways I never imagined. It was like a dream, this man. He is full of pleasant surprises.

"Why didn't I do this before now? Why did I wait so long? Better late than never" I told myself as I basked in the euphoria of being 'HIS'.

Sometimes I wasn't sure what step to take but I walked nonetheless, with him. He had shown that he is the way.

It's been 9 months since that day in March - about the time of life. A woman who took in then would have been close to birthing or may have birthed her baby by now. I too like that woman have fruits to show - not of the womb but of life. Grace.

The conversation I had with him that morning has birthed change. I am light years from where I was on that day in March and the days before - I am a different girl. The saved girl.

Today I had a conversation with him again, recalling that day in March when he reached out to me and began a refurbishment, remodeling, rehabilitation, renovation in my life.

Today I call him Eben, an abbreviation or derivation if you like of his name Ebenezer meaning Helper. 

The Helper! Ochuko!

He showed up in the nick of time. If you dare, you too can reach out to him. He is the King who came to serve and save.
You too may call him Ebenezer if you like or Eben for short. You can even call him Emmanuel - God with us. Or simply Father.
Whatever name you choose, He will answer if you are sincere.

1 Samuel 7:12 "Then Samuel took a stone, and set [it] between Mizpeh and Shen, and called the name of it Ebenezer, saying, Hitherto hath the LORD helped us."

In 2019 Put Your Best Foot Forward

I have just bought a new pair of shoes. It was love at first for me when I laid eyes on them - clear leather, ankle length, peep toe gladiator sandals with furry zipper head in front - they are a beauty to behold! 

As I strutted in front of the mirror wearing the shoes I smiled. I mentally paired them with my dresses in my head. I can't wait to rock them because when I do, I'll be putting my best foot forward.
As I studied the shoes later at home, I asked myself again "would I really be putting my best foot forward just by wearing these shoes?"

Don't I need to bring more to the table? Is my value in me or my shoes? How do I really put my best or at least a good foot forward? What do I really want? How do I get it? Whom do I need to relate with to get it? Where should I go to get it? Am I on the path to getting that which I want? How do I exercise my faith for all I want?

I'm no expert life coach neither do I have it altogether but I can say from experience that writing what you want to see is a good way to start. 

This is being deliberate, acting on your faith.

Let me state that as simple as this sounds it is not easy but you must write what you want so it doesn't end as a mere wish. Then take steps - any step is better than nothing. Then press daily.
The thing about pressing from experience is that day after day it may seem like nothing is changing but you would look back after a while to realize that your consistency has attracted the people you need for your dream and you are well on your way.

So, what do you want in 2019? Same old people you hung out with in 2018? Same neighbourhood? Same results? Same struggles? Same excuses?

We should put our best foot forward in the New Year because our lives and future depend on it.

Be deliberate in your relationships, not everyone deserves a seat at your table. Don't be afraid to eat alone, just be sure you are cooking a damn good meal. Surround yourself with people who will spur you on and cheer you when you achieve little successes as well as hold your hand on the days when it feels like you are still at the same point you started at.
Keep writing all you want, no matter how little or big - my list is looooooong - and give thanks as you tick things off your list.

A New Year is upon us and blessings innumerable will fall on you but you must position yourself to receive them.

In 2019 put your best foot forward, not just in what you wear but in how you act, what you feed your mind and who you choose.

Put your best foot forward every single day because you will never know whose attention you will get or how far your feet will take you.

Are you ready? I think I am!

P.S: If you ever see me strutting in my beautiful shoes, don't forget to Holla!

The Rest of Your Life Begins Today

"Still cooking?" He asked.
"Yes."
"Okay. So would you let me know when you are done?"
"Yes." I replied again even though I knew I wouldn't. "It may take a little longer though." I added.
"No problem" he responded, "I will wait."

As the call ended I dropped my phone and added seasoning to the Banga soup I was cooking. I knew that in less than 2 minutes I would turn off the Gas cooker and would be done with cooking but I was in no mood to go out or socialize because I WAS TIRED.
I am not just talking about physical tiredness. I have recently had to deal with disappointment as well as mentally tasking challenges and I was tired - of socializing, forming new relationships, opening up, meeting one more new person who says sweet things without thinking.
As I thought about everything, I wondered if I was holding myself from better and I realised that sometimes we get too tired by all that has happened to us that we may not know when we are being called to something better.
This isn't just about work but about life.

I have learned that sometimes we are too stuck on yesterday to hear God say it's time to move on.

Sometimes you are too exhausted by your past experiences that you can't discern God calling you to a new thing.

This may be you today too, the money probably didn't come as you expected, friends turned their backs and even backstabbed you, your heart got hurt, things didn't go exactly as you envisaged and now you are too tired by all the experiences that you just want to sleep or probably have a drink and forget it all.
You need to remember though that if God led you through it all, it is because he has better in store. He led you through so he may usher you into newness and your past is never greater than his promises over your life.
You may have had a bad year, may have let God and others down, may have broken the promises and vows you made, may have had to pay dearly for your mistakes, may have dropped the ball and given up, may be too tired now but a new chapter is opening.
You may be going through hell but why stop in hell? 

I have learned also that if we could get a sneak preview of our future, we would stop staying stuck in our past or indulging in certain things today.

So leave the set of emotions you are holding onto. Let it all go. Forget what they said, stop seeking closure, stop living in what hurt you because what God has in store is better than what hurt you in the past. God always has a better today, with him there is no better yesterday - I say this from experience. When we fail he is still faithful, when we mess up he is still merciful and our mistakes cannot disqualify from what he has in store for us. He will do what he said, bless you, supply your needs and you will see that everything worked out for your good.
His wrath endures for a moment but his mercy endures FOREVER! Psalm 30:5.

Note though that if God doesn't journey with you in your new phase, defeat will be inevitable - again.

So today commit to pursue his presence in an unprecedented way. Hunger for his presence because what you did for him in the past wouldn't be sufficient in this new season.

I have learned also that I'm not smart enough to make the right decisions, I am not strong enough to see myself through, all the monies in the world wouldn't help me buy my way out, I don't have enough friends to pull me through and that's why I need him. He is the Vine and I am a branch.

He may not always answer as we desire. He may not repair that relationship. He may not change the result of the test. He may not give you that Evoque now. He may not give you what you ask for but he will set you on a rock. He will keep you stable in the midst of challenges. He will hold you when everything else is falling apart.

You may be tired afterall that happened in 2018 - too tired to try again, too tired to love again, too tired to hold on to your dreams again, too tired to believe that things may be different this time, too tired of hearing that it is your season for change but you need not fret about 2019 because we serve a God who goes before us.

Believe and know that He has gone ahead of you and has seen what the 12 months of 2019 holds. 

Today as it stands,  is the beginning of the rest of your life so change your attitude.

2019 will be GOODER than 2018. 

P.S - I still didn't go out though. I chose Ice-cream, Foxs' Chunkies Cookies and a book titled 'Love Letters In the Sand' over socializing with another human being. Can you imagine?
I also listened to messages by Reverend Howard John-Wesley - he inspired this post.
Tomorrow I'll open up to newness, today let me just eat biko.

Life Isn't A Movie, Virgins Don't Always Marry Faithful Men

"Haba, what is happening?"

That was my reaction as the scene in the movie showing on TV unfolded before my eyes. The people who were exchanging blows and fighting the Kungfu kind of fight just seconds ago were kissing passionately before eyes.

"What happened?" I asked no one in particular. I was home alone.

"This is serious o." I said as they moved from kissing to taking off their clothes. I really didn't understand what was happening because I muted the volume of the TV and only glanced occasionally while typing on my phone and listening to music from my Playlist.
This kiss wasn't small o. The tonguing graduated to necking, heavy petting and just when my eyes widened in what would happen next as they took off their clothes, the scene ended - they let my imagination run wild at 12:24am. Izzit fair?

At that point I tried to check the movie info - title and synopsis - but it didn't show - I guess it is the network. I still do not know the storyline but as I watched on I reminded myself that life isn't a movie.
You can't always predict the outcome of an event.

In a movie you could be sworn enemies today and the next minute you are best friends probably kissing but in reality, you could be sworn enemies today and tomorrow they are trying to just end it all by killing you.
Wouldn't you run for your life, what are you doing? 

That's it, unless you are keeping company with God - the difference maker.
"Okiemute are you about to preach again?" I hear you ask.
"No, I am only reiterating the truth."

  have learned that unlike in movies, we can't always predict the future, the protagonist doesn't always defeat the antagonist. What that simply means is that the 'actor' doesn't always kill the 'boss' in the last fight - that resonates better right? Is there even a last fight in reality? We may have to ask Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In reality Cinderella has to turn her house girl skills to a cleaning business because no Prince wants a girl whose only attraction is a glass shoe she didn't even work for. Leave matter for Mathias abeg.

In reality the Black Panther would have died and stayed dead because there is no plant to bring him back. Wakanda nonsense fabu (it's how called Fable back in the day) is that?

In reality a Christian girl is still being held captive in Northeastern Nigeria because she refused to deny her faith.

In reality virgins do not always marry men who worship them and are faithful because sometimes all they have to offer is an 'unbroken hymen'. There's got to be more baby.

"Haba, they are kissing again o, this people. Chai, it is even more intense than the first scene and it's 12:41am. They have offed clothes o."

I need to close my eyes and that means I can't write anymore. Anyway before I go, remember that life isn't a movie.
Things may not always pan out as envisaged.

God is the only constant and there are no guarantees Sweetheart, none other but him.

Love, Hate, Ambivalence and Everything In between

"Okiemute, seems like everyone is using you again." He said.
"Seems like it o", I responded. My voice sounded shrill even in my ears.
Do you know why?" He asked.
"Uhmmmm...well", I said and before I could say anything he added.
"It's because you are valuable. You give your best and it's easy to see."

That was my mentor and I conversing. He had called unexpectedly to tell me he was in the country as well as ask about my progress at work.

To be honest, the past weeks and months have been a rollercoaster of events, meetings, deadlines briefings and more deadlines but I am grateful for the gift of work, knowing my presence and talent makes a difference and that the success of some things depends on my availability.

This is purpose, my raison d'etre.

I have also had a series of answered prayers and I love my job.

We had this conversation about a month ago.

Fast forward to today and I wasn't so sure about this love anymore and I'll tell you why.

I had gone with a colleague to get books. Okay, he was the one that wanted books, I on the other hand wanted to get drinks for a private party I was organising for Me, Myself and I.
We would first pick his books and then go get my drinks.

As we got into the mall a photographer approached us taking pictures of us and I decided to oblige him. I told my colleague to give me a few minutes and that's how the picture above was taken.

As soon as we got into the book shop, several titles jumped at me and I knew I was definitely going to buy them. As I conversed with the attendant in charge about the books I liked, my phone rang. It was my line manager calling. I noted that I was out getting stuff😜 and would be with him shortly. Almost 15 minutes later and after his third call I rushed out to meet him. I promised my colleague that I would back shortly.

"Okiemute you need to go to Mississippi."
That was the first thing my Line Manager said as soon as I apologized for taking a little time.
"Where's that?" I asked.
"It's at Maitama."

A Lawmaker's house had been invaded by armed security men and I had to go do a report on what was happening.

"Alright Sir." I said as I kissed books and drinks goodbye. My private party plans had just ended - I felt like my privacy had been invaded too and I wasn't sure about this love for work anymore.
I just kept thinking all sorts of things. This holiday season is when these people chose for their drama, imagine!

I love my job and on the days when the love isn't strong I tell myself "work is a bitter pill you swallow."

But today? It was a feeling of ambivalence - I had mixed feelings.

"What if I was in the middle of #&*$%, is this how I would have been called?"

Anyway that was how the next 3-4 hours of my day was spent monitoring happenings of the incident, doing interviews and reporting it.

Fast forward to a few hours later - I had finished my report, edited the interviews/telephone conversations with the parties concerned and was home watching the news when my report on the story which is probably the hottest news story at this time came on.

I smiled as I felt like a mother holding her baby for the first time after 9 months of pregnancy, like a lover reuniting with their beloved after months apart, like a Politician winning an election after months of campaigning and making promises he knows he will not keep.

I was on the phone with my brother at the time and I held the phone close to the speakers so he could hear my report. I was elated.

Oh and by the way I still bought two books 'Don't die on Wednesday' and 'Urichindere'.

I also had Whisky in the fridge so I was also able to have my private party.

As I sipped my drink I saw the comment on our platform by the National head of my department "Nice story Okiemute. You used good judgement."

A good day it was right? There is indeed a God...okay bye!

Dear Mr Fix It

Dear Mr Fix It,

How are you today? I know you are perfect, just and all-powerful but I'm asking anyway.

Today I am writing you to reach out to you as a friend. Nothing more, a friend because I really need one just like you - big, strong, powerful and reliable. 

I am taking a break from my pursuit of purpose to reach out to you and to tell you that sometimes it gets hard. It does. I admit that too many times I have tried to do it by myself but I have paid a lot of prices for that and I have learned. Now I need you to love me to the truth, I want love's perfect work to be done in me.

Captain of my destiny, today I want you to take me and fix anything that's broken in me. You have done so much for me so forgive me if I seem like an ingrate but you said to cast 'all' of my cares on you and to come unto you when I feel weary. So today I come - again, trusting that you would not turn me away. I drift away and try to be strong on my own but not anymore - today I come to you.

Today I cast my cares at your feet, trusting you to take care of me. Today I lay my burdens before you because when I walk away, I'll be free - free of worries, concerns and cares.

On this first day of December I say unashamedly that I can't do life on my own, I always make a mess of myself when I try. I open up to you, search me, quench the thirst in my soul, fill the void in my heart and strengthen me for the journey ahead especially as I enter a new phase of my life. Make me whole. I know you can if I let you do it, so I'll let you. I'll let go and let you fix me. I am not here to ask for money or fame but that you teach me where to go, who to trust, how to love...I try but I falter, fall and fail.

I come to you because I have tried you and I have found you to be worthy. I now know that my world is better with you in it. Be my Saucer to catch whatever I let slip.

Today I want to be held, held by arms firm and strong. I want a shoulder to lean on, big bold shoulders but I'll lay me down to sleep and rest knowing that I'm safe in the arms of your love cos it has been you all along. It is you who love all my curves, edges and imperfections. It has always been you.

I seek you today and I'll keep seeking and running after you. Why? I'm lost without you, that's why. 

Without you I'm like a Monarch without a Kingdom, a Ship without Sail, a Groom without a Bride, a Day without the Sun, a Song without Lyrics, a Bird without Wings, a Heart without a Beat and what's a Heart without a Beat?

Mr Fix It, I am glad I found you.

December Is Here!

December is here. My favourite month of the year.

May your hopes and dreams come true this month.

Welcome to December!