Dear Mama, Happy Mother's Day

"This tiny thing what does she know, Madam Common Entrance Examination is not for babies and sucklings".

"Oga it's your son that's a suckling. Forget her size, my daughter will beat your son anyday in any exam".

That was Mummy speaking in my defense.

It was a Saturday morning in 1998, the day of the Common Entrance Examination for Primary School students. We were at Urhobo College in Effurun, Delta State the venue of the exam and there were hundreds of students from different Primary schools, some of whom were accompanied by their parents.

We were waiting to be ushered into the exam hall and I sat by Mummy alongside other parents in a sheltered space on the school's premises.
As we waited, parents conversed about different issues and that was when a certain Father who had brought his son for  the exams sighted me sitting by Mummy. He was a popular TV Presenter and wanted to know if I was writing or if I accompanied my brother who was also writing on that day and when Mummy told him I was writing he scoffed and told her to let me stay home as the exams wasn't for babies.

Mummy isn't one to take issues about her children lying low and she shushed everyone who thought they had an opinion about my ability to pass the exam.

I wouldn't blame them though. I was barely 8 years old, in Primary 4 and was small, tiny in fact but Mummy always reminded me that my size wasn't the determinant of my abilities. "You are a Queen with a strong Spirit", she would say.

We wrote the Common Entrance Examination and I was the second best from my school, defeating even the Primary 6 students.

On the day I was to write the entrance examination for the Secondary school I was to attend - Fieldcrest International High School, the Vice Principal who was Mummy's customer (she sold fabrics) called her aside and advised her to let only my brother write as I was too young and wouldn't scale through the Exam and rigorous Interview process.

Mummy responded that if my brother could write then nothing would stop me, "just try her and see" she said with a smile.
I wrote the exams and after the Interview with the Principal and other staff, I was carried and cheered by the staff to the reception area where parents and other candidates were waiting. Everyone wanted to know whose daughter I was - I still see the glow on Mummy's face as she sang my praises.

At times when Mummy had to choose between a son or daughter for any task or event, she picked the more qualified person and always reminded us that male or female we all had equal abilities and when I would go report any of my siblings to her after a squabble she would remind me (anyone of us in fact) that an outsider wouldn't offend me like my siblings would, only those we love can really hurt us.

It's Mother's day today and Mama is still dishing advise and cheering me on to great things. I think of you Queen Igho Imonirhua and I know I can never really repay you for always putting my love on top.

As I always say, I owe you success and the best Son In-law.

I hope to be the kind of Mummy you are to my children.

I love you Mama, Happy Mother's Day!

His Ride or Die Chic

Ajiri made to walk away and as expected Esiri pulled her hair yelling at her for walking out on him. Then she felt his palms as they landed on her cheeks, he pushed her against the wall crying and asking why she always tempted him and made him hurt her against his will. She cried too and made to apologize but he hit her again and pushed her to the floor, kicking her stomach. Ajiri clutched her stomach in pain.

She didn't blame him. She knew he never intended to hurt her, he loved her too much.

This was what she told her Mother the time she had to be admitted after Esiri threw a flower vase at her. He had not meant to hurt her. He was cleaning the vase and they were arguing when he threw it at her because she raised her voice at him.

Against her family's insistence she married him.

Even when her friends told her Esiri needed help she told them no one else could love and understand him like she did, he needed her. They had been through a lot together and she was his ride or die chic.
Esiri told her he needed her after every fight and this time as he kept kicking her in the stomach she reminded herself that he would soon get back to his senses and he would apologize.

He would buy her an expensive gift, maybe Jewelery or a car like he did eight months ago, or tickets for a romantic getaway as he had done severally or dinner at an exotic restaurant.

Esiri was a good man and a great Father but he had an uncontrollable temper.

Ajiri always told herself it wasn't his fault as he grew up with an abusive Father and a Mother that was barely there because she had to fend for the family. He only needed to be loved and understood.

She was jolted to reality as Esiri pulled her into the bathroom - he had never done this before.

She made to get away but he pushed her into the bath tub and turned on the shower knob.

The water pouring on her body made it difficult to breathe or scream, she was struggling and as she made to break free he hit her harder crying that she delighted in bringing out the worst in him even though she knew he loved her too much to hurt her intentionally.

She wanted to tell him that this was worse than anything he had done before and that Ovie their 6 year old son may walk in on them but as she opened her mouth, water from the shower poured in. She cried as she thought of her son who had watched his father abuse her severally but she told herself he was too young to understand that his father didn't mean any harm. Someday when he is older, she would tell him his father didn't intend to hurt her, he only needed to be loved and understood.

She waited for Esiri to stop hitting her but he continued.

Then she thought about the conversation that riled him up. She had told him that she wanted to accept the offer from her company to go start up a new branch in another state. She only had to work from Monday till Thursday and she would come home on Thursday evening and leave on Sunday afternoon. It was a 3 hour drive to her new base but he thought her being away would make it harder for them to have another baby. They had been trying to have another baby and she had lost two pregnancies from Esiri's beating.

As they argued, she reminded him of the pregnancies she had lost through no fault of hers and made to walk away. That was the beginning of yet another outburst of uncontrollable temper. Esiri pulled her back and pounced on her.

Esiri had by now stopped in his rage and at this point she felt herself passing out.

The liquid on her body was a mixture of water and blood.

She managed to open her eyes.

Her little boy Ovie was standing by the bath tub.

She heard him say faintly "Mummy you are bleeding, did Daddy hurt you again"?

She made to give him her usual response that Daddy meant no harm but she winced in pain as Ovie shook her and kept calling "Mummy, Mummy".

Everything seemed to black out and all was still.

She had become unconscious.

The Tired Player

"Are you serious"? It was Tony speaking as he looked at Mark askance.
"Yes Bro, I'm getting married", Mark responded and then added "not now though, should be in a few months".

Mark's eyes lit up as he spoke to his friends Efe, Tony, Femi and Kelvin about the girl he had met about a month ago and how special she was. With her he was really happy and he only needed a few more months to convince her that he was good enough for her.

They clinked glasses and hailed him.

Efe who was all smiles turned to his right hand side and mockingly exclaimed "hey man, playa, when is it gonna be your turn"? He was referring to Kelvin who was just gulping from his glass.
Femi interjected "Kelvin isn't ready to quit the game, the baddest of them all".

They laughed some more, Kelvin laughed too but deep inside he wished they knew.
He was tired.
He had been the bad boy but deep inside he craved love too.

He looked at the guys, his friends from school Efe, Femi, Tony and Mark. The others were married and now Mark would be getting married but he didn't even have a relationship.

"Her name is Tara" Mark said when Tony asked the name of the girl.
"Tara"? Kelvin asked,
"Yes, you should meet her. She's a sweet girl"? Mark responded.

Kelvin took a sip from his glass as he thought again about the Tara he knew.
They dated briefly and broke up.
They tried again and were on and off for a while before she left.
He thought about the day he told her he wasn't ready to commit to a relationship.
She had smiled and told him it was alright even though they both knew it wasn't.
He had not contacted her since.
Tara was a spirited and unforgettable girl.
He smiled as he realized that he had missed her.

He decided that he would be the man he should have been about a year ago when he first met her.

He picked up his phone, excused himself from his friends, walked to his car and dialed her number.
It rang and her voice came on. "Kelvin...good evening"
"Hello Tara, how are you. It's been quite a while"? he responded ,
"I'm good. What's the special occasion that has made you call me"?
"We need to talk, Tara I have missed you". He said
"Not this time Kelv"
"Why"? He asked
"this off and on thing can't continue anymore" She responded
"I want us to work something out...you are a great girl Tara" Kelvin said.
She was silent for a few seconds before she spoke "I met a guy Kelv and he's been great so far"? Kelvin's heart skipped and began beating fast as she said the words but he managed to form the words, "So you are in a relationship, wo-wow in just 5 weeks, he must be something" he retorted
"He is something" she said, "Mark. That's his name".
"Mark"? Kelvin asked
"Yes" she said and added "I have a call coming in, I appreciate your call but I need to take this call. Maybe we can speak some other time"?

As the call ended Kelvin turned to look at Mark his friend who had gotten up with his phone pressed to his ear.
Mark was smiling widely and Kelvin knew who he was talking to.

Today She Is The Tired SuperWoman

She takes a deep breath and exhales. She smiles as she tells herself she should do this more often - inhale and exhale. It is the first time she is smiling truly since the day began.

She smiled in the morning when she took selfies with colleagues but that was for the Camera, she smiled also as she walked and the compliments about her looks reeled out of people's mouths but that was just an act of courtesy, she smiled too at Lunch time when a colleague came to her table with supposed 'hot' gist about irrelevant gossip but that was just to act interested in the 'booooooring' talk and she smiled also when her 'self acclaimed confused' boyfriend sent her a text 'hey beautiful, hawa you', she smiled because she relished the fact that he remembered to send a text even if she knew in her heart that it meant nothing and he probably sent same to other girls - she smiled still.

Now the day is ending and she is home.

She walks to the fridge, pours herself a glass of fruit juice and as she walks to the kitchen her eyes catch the frame on the wall of her dining room. The words come out to her 'a strong Woman wears her pain like a Stiletto and smiles even when all she wants to do is cry. No matter how much it hurts, all you see is beauty' - she is that woman.

The one who smiles even when she feels like crying, the one whose makeup is always well done and who is always dressed to the nines. The one who reminds the other girls to get their act together and not depend on anyone else, the one who sings with passion in the midst of adversity - she is the one, the 'strong' woman.

Today though she is not that strong Woman, today she is the 'Tired Woman'.

The one that is tired of acting tough even when she is broken inside, the one that is tired of being there for everyone else but has no one to lean on, the one that is tired of cheering others on but has to encourage herself when she feels demotivated, the one that is tired of wearing her pain like a Stiletto and smiling when all she wants to do is cry, Miss Fix it, the one that is tired of singing in the midst of adversity - today she is the tired woman that wants to be held as she let her tears flow freely, she is the woman that is tired of tolerating and putting up with a 'seemingly confused' man whose actions never matched his words, she is the woman that wants to be given a foot rub and an assurance that she will never walk alone, today she wants to be cheered, today she simply wants to be a girl - tender and vulnerable without fear of being taken for granted.

She smiles again as she recalls the abuse she suffered in the hands of her Aunt who took her in when her Mum who had remarried after a divorce with her Father, told her she couldn't bring her in to live with her new husband as she wanted to protect her marriage. Her Aunt never failed to remind her that she was a liability whom no one wanted. She recalls also having to menial work to survive in school and getting into a relationship with the first guy that made her feel loved - How was she to know he was just a loser on heat? He ripped her clothes, body, heart, self esteem and the resultant heart break almost ripped her life but she survived.

She smiles again as she recalls all she went through till she got her job and started her business - doing interior decor. Through it all she learned dependence and reliance on God.

She learned also to bottle her emotions and look out for herself in a 'dog eat dog' world. She learned to wear her pain like a Stiletto and smile when all she wants to do is cry.

Today though she is tired of being strong.
She walks into her Kitchen and makes to turn on the Gas cooker to prepare dinner but she turns it off again.
Today she wouldn't cook dinner, she will go get her favourite Burger and a bowl of Ice cream. She will indulge and not bother about calories or fat.

Afterwards she will soak herself in her bath tub and then crawl into bed to watch her favourite TV show till she falls asleep. Today she will drop the strong woman garb and just breathe - she will pick it up again tomorrow but today Superwoman needs to take a back seat, for now she is a tired woman who needs a break from being strong.

Feminism And The Increase In Divorce Rate

"I am a Feminist but also a humanist" is always my response when colleagues come to me about Feminism talk.
I have colleagues who are quick to call my attention to gender based issues, 'ehen Okiemute your fellow feminists have started o, look at this one tweeting that she will not change her surname when she gets married' is an example of the Feminism conversation starter.
I would respond that I am a humanist and believe in equal treatment of both sexes while still retaining some traditional values.
I will teach both my sons and daughters to do house chores and not make anyone feel superior to the other. I will teach my sons to be chivalrous and to not bottle up their emotions in the name of 'being a man'. I will teach my daughters to accept gestures of chivalry without developing a sense of entitlement. I will teach my sons and daughters to cook because it is a survival skill needed by everyone - hunger knows no gender.

I am a Feminist but also a Christian and therefore believe that the man is the head of the home because the Bible tells me so. I will teach my children this.

I believe in marriage for better or worse unless there's a threat to life.

I read a few minutes ago on a blog that a court has ended the 17 year old marriage of a popular Nigerian Actor on the grounds of infidelity and abuse. I read comments on the story too and most people are of the opinion that women are coming into their own and no longer willing to 'die just to save face and be called Mrs'. Some others think it's a shame that women are no longer willing to fight for their marriages and that Feminism is the reason why marriages are failing as women now think themselves equal to men.

Sigh! Were women created inferior to men?

I often get into arguments with colleagues about the roles of a Wife and a husband in the home. Especially because I have female colleagues who say they will never cook for a man because they were not born to slave in the kitchen. At such times you would see the guys boiling as they argue about how these women will not 'find a man to marry them'..."nonesense women deceiving themselves in the name of Feminism".

My response at such times is "to each his own, besides a couple should reach an agreement on how their home will be run before they consummate their union".

I also once asked a Female colleague, "so who will feed you, your husband and children"? That isn't my business though as I do not think cooking alone will guarantee the success of a marriage.

So to the issue of Feminism causing an increase in divorce rates, here's my opinion which is simply what it is 'my opinion'.

I do not think Feminism is the reason for failed marriages rather it's cluelessness on the part of a couple on how to make their marriage work that leads to breakup. Cluelessness will result in many things viz: a man forgetting he is the head and therefore has been entrusted with the responsibility of protecting his family, a couple letting the pressure and challenges of living daily making them forget that the promise they made is to each other and no one else, a couple forgetting that God is the author of marriage and is therefore the only one that can help them succeed in it.

I meet a lot of young men whose mentality leave me feeling sorry for the women they will get married to and of course I have met girls that leave me mouth agape at the way they think.

We live in a 'me first' society where people love with an agenda. We live in a society where Women are paranoid as a result of being oppressed for too long. We live in a society where Men want to get married and still live as though they are single. We live in a society where Women cry for equality yet will only date Men who they think 'can afford them' - talk about being delusional. Are women now a commodity to be afforded?

I do not think Feminism is responsible for the rise in divorce rates rather it's a decline in Men who refuse to be swayed by culture but chose to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for her. A decline in women who would respect their husbands even when they don't feel like it. A decline in morals and appreciation of family & the sanctity of marriage. An increase in Men who have declared war against Women who clamour for equal treatment and an increase in Women who have declared war against men and inevitably themselves in the name of being feminists is in my opinion the cause of an increase in the rate of divorce.

This Is To Every Woman I Know

Arise little girl, rise up!

Rise from your slumber little one, the woman in you beckons.

Rise up girl and March on, into your destiny, set a trail and others will follow.

Rise up girl, you were created for better things, great exploits, big dreams and a better place.

You were created to climb hills, move mountains, slay dragons and conquer territories.

Rise up little girl, your destiny awaits you…Rise up darling, sleep no more.

Rise up Heroine, grow into the woman you are meant to be.

Enough of settling for crumbs, a larger portion and a better day awaits you.

Rise up girl, there is a battle to be won.

The baton has been passed and now it’s your turn.

Stand up girl, the voices of heroines beckon and matriarchs long gone rely on you.

Rise up girl, too much has been deposited in you and you cannot afford to be complacent.

It’s a tough world but you can take it on.

Rise up Soldier, you have all you need to win this fight.

Rise up sister, let your voice be heard!

You were not meant to be lost in the multitude.

Find your voice, the world will listen if you would only speak up.

Rise up girl, stand up and cower no more in a corner.

Rise up, let your light shine through and bless the world with the gift of you.

Rise up and settle no more for smallness…you are more than what you think.

You are a Heroine, a Goddess, a Queen, a Warrior, a Soldier and a Light in a world so dark and chaotic.

You are ‘the’ breath of fresh air girl…this is your identity.

Rise up and win girl, rise up for the sake of the little ones coming behind you.

Rise up girl, you are she who Kings and Poets past wrote about.

You are she who Princes ought to stand up for, you are the one to give hope to generations.

Rise up Queen, you were born for this.

Stand tall and proud, you were born to win this fight.

Rise up Goddess, you are the joy of nations.

Rise up even if you fall, your scars will be a reminder of battles won.

Rise up and let the world watch in awe as you wear your pain with grace.

Stand up and be the example for your sons and daughters.

Rise up darling, risk it all and leave your footprints on the sands of time.

Arise Warrior Woman, strut your stuff, do your best, fight and win… It’s a command!