"This guy hit the nail on the head o."
It was my friend speaking as we both laughed at the meme I had shown him.
"How do they even think up these things?" I asked laughing.
"Honestly Nigerians are creative but the truth is this is one reason why some guys don't want to commit to marriage honestly." He replied.
"Is it that serious?" I asked.
"The expectations you have to live up to are scary. There are guys who don't even want to turn on generators but it's expected that they do it because they are the man of the house." He added.
"If he doesn't or cannot, he can pay someone to do all that na." I retorted still laughing.
Ironically I was also having a chat on Whatsapp with a friend who recently became a Dad and he was talking about how he had taken days off work but couldn't really rest as he had to be a Husband and Dad.
He had stayed up for most of the night tending to his baby who wasn't feeling well.
"What's it like being a Dad?" I asked.
"It's changes one's perspective, I’m now responsible for another human who cannot make choices for himself for a while. The innocence and naivety is refreshing."
He talked about how having faith like a child is powerful.
Then he added "He doesn’t even know I wasn’t really ready for him yet and I was a huge mess before and after he was born."
"You weren't ready?" I asked because by all standards he is very comfortable financially, cool, calm, very well read and educated - and married.
Let me add here that I'm not saying these are the criteria for being a Dad but I think it will be a good part of the 'Daddy Starter Pack'. Ehen na, abi?
Before he responded I added, "can one ever really be ready? Expectations and fantasy may be different from reality right?"
He responded that it's definitely different but that one can carefully consider it by observation and study.
He added again "it is important to be an educated parent, to be deliberately better than our parents because now that we’re adults, with the gift of exposure and hindsight, we can see gaps where our parents missed it. They did the best they could, but we have to do better because of the world we now live in. We can take parenting from the 80’s into the 2010’s or 2020’s."
I read his response a couple of times and I agree with him.
However, I still think that one can never be fully ready for the responsibilities that come with committing first to marriage and then becoming a parent.
I think so because every individual is unique and the future cannot be predicted. So the way A responds to a situation may not be the way B would respond, also life may throw a totally different challenge from anything you ever witnessed or expected.
I recall when a very dear friend got married.
When we talked she would say "Okiemute I can't believe my parents are doing this thing for almost 40 years. It's not easy o."
When I laugh, she would say "babe relationships and marriage are two different entities o, sometimes it's almost as if I'm dealing with a stranger and not the man I dated."
When she adds "my husband can hear me and he is saying I should stop talking as if he is maltreating me" I would laugh some more as I think "these two will definitely be alright."
Having never walked in her shoes, I do not say much but our conversation always ends with the decision to keep the vow of 'till death do us part'.
It's as All 4 One sang in 'These Arms' "darling the only guarantee I can make, these arms won't let your heart break".
I think this is the only guarantee we can give.
A parent can only decide that "no matter what happens, I'll be there for my child" and a spouse can only say it too "these arms will love you everyday and won't let your heart break", and through life's different seasons, try to keep the vow.
So I ask again, do you think you are ready to be a Husband, Wife, Parent?
Does one ever get ready for these roles?
Do you think one can never be fully ready and can only take a first step of committing to 'just do it' like Nike says and decide to keep that commitment?
If you are married, I would like for you to share your experience and if you are a parent, what was it like the first time?
Do you think you were ready?
Could you have planned better?
If you get a chance to start again, what would you do differently?
Interesting article Okiemute but I think we can never fully be prepared for anything in life. Even after your first child, you can never be experienced enough to handle the second. We can only commit to like you said. I love this.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to think that you are speaking from experience and I appreciate your honesty. Glad you agree that we can only commit, thank you.
DeleteMy dear just like your girlfriend said, sometimes I wonder if is the same person I dated that I got married to but the fact that it is same person. It is an institution you keep growing as each day passes by. But more importantly you must have that commitment to make it work. Sometimes on my own I would want to ask myself what exactly has change in my life since after I got married, and I will smile and reply back to myself that am still the same person but in reality is the status that has changed. But the truth is that it comes with a lot of adjustment and a commitment to stay committed. Few days after my wedding, after enjoying the luxury of having my meal as at when I want it, but on this faithful day, I knew my wife had a hectic day cos she had to wash in the morning, did some other chores in the afternoon while I was away at work and by evening when I returned she was about making dinner but looking at her face she wasn't smiling not that she was angry, I knew she was tired so I had to take over the kitchen from her that evening, and prepared dinner myself and I saw how relief she felt. Like it was pointed out, you can't be fully prepared but you just grow in it haven made that vow to yourself that you are here to make this work.
ReplyDeleteInnocent, it's good to know that you are a supportive husband. I like that you said you are still the same but your status has changed as such you must stay committed to the commitment.
DeleteI see also that you agree that we can't be fully prepared and can only grow in it. Thank you for your thoughts.