"Yes."
"Okay. So would you let me know when you are done?"
"Yes." I replied again even though I knew I wouldn't. "It may take a little longer though." I added.
"No problem" he responded, "I will wait."
As the call ended I dropped my phone and added seasoning to the Banga soup I was cooking. I knew that in less than 2 minutes I would turn off the Gas cooker and would be done with cooking but I was in no mood to go out or socialize because I WAS TIRED.
I am not just talking about physical tiredness. I have recently had to deal with disappointment as well as mentally tasking challenges and I was tired - of socializing, forming new relationships, opening up, meeting one more new person who says sweet things without thinking.
As I thought about everything, I wondered if I was holding myself from better and I realised that sometimes we get too tired by all that has happened to us that we may not know when we are being called to something better.
This isn't just about work but about life.
I have learned that sometimes we are too stuck on yesterday to hear God say it's time to move on.
Sometimes you are too exhausted by your past experiences that you can't discern God calling you to a new thing.
This may be you today too, the money probably didn't come as you expected, friends turned their backs and even backstabbed you, your heart got hurt, things didn't go exactly as you envisaged and now you are too tired by all the experiences that you just want to sleep or probably have a drink and forget it all.
You need to remember though that if God led you through it all, it is because he has better in store. He led you through so he may usher you into newness and your past is never greater than his promises over your life.
You may have had a bad year, may have let God and others down, may have broken the promises and vows you made, may have had to pay dearly for your mistakes, may have dropped the ball and given up, may be too tired now but a new chapter is opening.
You may be going through hell but why stop in hell?
I have learned also that if we could get a sneak preview of our future, we would stop staying stuck in our past or indulging in certain things today.
So leave the set of emotions you are holding onto. Let it all go. Forget what they said, stop seeking closure, stop living in what hurt you because what God has in store is better than what hurt you in the past. God always has a better today, with him there is no better yesterday - I say this from experience. When we fail he is still faithful, when we mess up he is still merciful and our mistakes cannot disqualify from what he has in store for us. He will do what he said, bless you, supply your needs and you will see that everything worked out for your good.
His wrath endures for a moment but his mercy endures FOREVER! Psalm 30:5.
Note though that if God doesn't journey with you in your new phase, defeat will be inevitable - again.
So today commit to pursue his presence in an unprecedented way. Hunger for his presence because what you did for him in the past wouldn't be sufficient in this new season.
I have learned also that I'm not smart enough to make the right decisions, I am not strong enough to see myself through, all the monies in the world wouldn't help me buy my way out, I don't have enough friends to pull me through and that's why I need him. He is the Vine and I am a branch.
He may not always answer as we desire. He may not repair that relationship. He may not change the result of the test. He may not give you that Evoque now. He may not give you what you ask for but he will set you on a rock. He will keep you stable in the midst of challenges. He will hold you when everything else is falling apart.
You may be tired afterall that happened in 2018 - too tired to try again, too tired to love again, too tired to hold on to your dreams again, too tired to believe that things may be different this time, too tired of hearing that it is your season for change but you need not fret about 2019 because we serve a God who goes before us.
Believe and know that He has gone ahead of you and has seen what the 12 months of 2019 holds.
Today as it stands, is the beginning of the rest of your life so change your attitude.
2019 will be GOODER than 2018.
P.S - I still didn't go out though. I chose Ice-cream, Foxs' Chunkies Cookies and a book titled 'Love Letters In the Sand' over socializing with another human being. Can you imagine?
I also listened to messages by Reverend Howard John-Wesley - he inspired this post.
Tomorrow I'll open up to newness, today let me just eat biko.
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