Above All Else, Let Him Be Kind

I recently watched clips of a video posted by a friend on her WhatsApp status. It was a speaker talking about the kinds of children there are and the kind to pray for. She stated that there are Male, Female and Kind children. As such having 10 children wouldn’t guarantee love, respect and affection especially in old age if the children are not kind. In the same vein, a person with one child may get so much attention and affection if that child is kind. 

She went on to talk about a woman who sold her property and jewelry to ensure her child schooled in one of the best universities in the world. He graduated, got a great job abroad, got married and forgot Mummy. He had not contacted his mother in about 4 years because his wife said his mother is a witch. If like me you grew up in Nigeria, then you would not be alien to stories like this. In the boy’s case, I dare say a witch who didn’t kill her son but went on to sacrifice for him to be successful is a good witch who deserves that boy’s affection and honour.

I pondered on the message long after I had watched the video and thought to myself that kindness - consideration, generosity and compassion is indeed underrated and so days later when I had a conversation with a friend who sought to know what I desired most in a spouse, I said I desire a man with a kind heart. I used to say respect was more important to me than affirmations of love but I am learning that while love and respect is good, love that goes with kindness is best.

I know the great Apostle Paul while writing about love, stated that “Love is kind” amongst many other virtues against which to measure love but I think it is easier to just quote than to practice what has been written.

I think also that love is like a vehicle with parts, as such it would be good to treat kindness as a part of love, extricate it and examine it independently to see how functional it is in the vehicle called love. This in my opinion would bring to the fore some inadequacies that we may not be aware of and may overlook.

I say this because we (me inclusive) majorly think of, describe & measure love against generalities like a partner’s ability to cause the butterflies in our tummy to flutter, turn heads when they walk into a room, fly across seas and oceans just to surprise us, give head spinning gifts, acquire more degrees than a thermometer and want us enough to commit to a lifetime union.

This reminds me of a story I read sometime this year about a groom that gifted his bride a plot of land on the moon, the land cost $45. I thought it was funny as I wondered who the realtor for the property is, how the land was surveyed, who issued the title deed, how she would go to inspect the property amongst other issues. I thought it was funny until I read that her friend had also asked her own Fiancé to get her a land on Moon too. 

For real? 

I laughed really hard and loudly too as I wondered how I would react if someone said they had gotten me land on the moon. Land that I cannot see or use? Thanks but I'll pass.

I know women say they want a man who would give them the moon but I didn’t think a man would take it, literally. Maybe women should stop using too many metaphors and just say what we mean, huh?

Anyway to my conversation, I think that it is not bad to seek the afore listed traits in a partner but rarely do we ponder on what their reaction would be if for example you have a surgery that makes it impossible to engage in sexual intercourse for 12 months or more - God forbid bad thing, it’s not your portion abi? What if it happens? How would he or she react? 

Or if you lose a limb or more, or suffer a burn that makes your face unrecognizable or never achieve the dreams and goals you talk about everyday while they stare in pride and awe, those dreams that made them leave their ex because you fit what the book they read described. What if life makes you a shadow of yourself? 

Is it not a kind heart that would see your soul instead and chose you even when you wouldn’t choose yourself? Is it not a kind heart that would look at you all cranky and teary eyed from sleepless nights spent nursing your new born and just hold you as you cry? Is it not a kind heart that would not jeer when your erection is not as turgid as when you were in your teens, 20s and 30s but lovingly wait till you get it up or not? Is it not a kind heart that would look at your flaccid boobs and saggy tummy and remember that you traded your firmness for the children that now mean the world to you? Is not a kind heart that would seek ways to lighten the other's burden and not let them bear their load alone?

Is it not a kind heart that would speak softly when you lose your money in the business they warned you not to invest in because it seemed shady? Is it not a kind heart that would wait patiently as they watch you wallow in pain and grief at the loss of a loved one so much that you lose interest in life itself? Is it not a kind heart that would on the days when you look at the grey haired person with a wrinkled face in the mirror wondering where your youth has gone, hold you firmly and say they would still chose you if life was theirs to do again? Is it not a kind heart that would focus on the similarities in the face of overwhelming differences? 

Isn’t kindness what Jesus commanded when he said to do unto others as we want others to do unto us? Isn’t kindness the milk that nourishes love? Isn’t it the veil and drape with which love covers a multitude of sins? Isn't it the bedrock upon which responsibility and accountability lies? Isn’t it therefore the crucial thing to seek as we sift through the love professed by our beloved?

Are my thoughts too simplistic and idealistic?

Like the speaker in the video on my friend's WhatsApp status said, is it not a kind child who would inconvenience himself to care for a parent in old age, knowing that even wealth amassed has its limits where care is needed? Is it not a kind hearted partner that would in turn demonstrate and pass on the traits that make a kind child?

Does it not make sense then that while good looks, wealth, status and influence is worthy of being coveted and even necessary, Okiemute believes that above all else, a spouse with a kind heart is better?

I Know You Cannot Wait For 2020 To End, But...

 “I can’t wait for 2020 to end”. Like me, you have probably heard this from people and might even have thought so yourself. My response each time I am greeted with that statement is “what guarantees do you have that 2021 would be a better year?” 

The truth though is I do not blame anyone who wants this year to end, because 2020 has indeed been exhausting - mentally, physically, psychologically, socially, economically and dare I say, even spiritually. Our faith has been tested and tried. The very core of our existence as humans - the desire to relate and socialize was inhibited by the COVID-19 pandemic which took its toll on ‘everything’ and now nothing is as we knew it or would like it to be.

2020, what a year!

As challenging as these times are though, it is a great time to be alive. It is a time of unprecedented technological, scientific, medical and even economic advancement as more young people are hitting the million dollar mark like never before but it is also a time of intense pressure as one cannot be seen to be failing in the midst of seeming global ‘opportunities’ for growth.

It is a time when we can shop without moving from our bedroom, influence government policies through social media, meet for hours with people in different continents from the comfort of our homes, clamour for our right to be anything we feel like (whether it makes sense to anyone or not), change our physical features to fit society’s standard of beauty/social acceptance and even change our gender from the one ‘assigned’ to us at birth.

We can literally be anything we want today. Isn’t it an interesting time to be alive!

A time when we have an abundance of digital content (movies, music, podcasts, comedy, memes), more entertainment than we can consume in our lifetime, educational materials to advance our lives/careers, and friends/followers who ‘like’ our pictures online and ‘follow’ us faithfully yet know nothing about our reality.

Still, it is the time when suicide is at its peak and drug use is on a steady rise. We are so close today that we can talk via video calls for hours, yet farther from each other so much so that a person whose video made you laugh out loud yesterday may turn up dead from suicide today and you wonder “Why? But he seemed so full of life and had everything most people desire”.

These are interesting times but the truth I have learned is that it is harder for people today especially young people than we would like to admit.

There is pressure to fit in, to be seen and accepted, to carve a niche, to replicate the lives of those we admire, to be heard, to be given a chance to prove ourselves, to not fail, and to just be sane amidst everything happening.

Our brains are constantly fighting to be safe because that is the only way our minds can be happy.

The drive to risk our lives in search of greener pastures, experiment with drugs, get and stay in relationships against our better judgement, and pull other stunts are all coping mechanisms.

It is our brain’s search for happy hormones like serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin and endorphins that make it feel safe and in turn interpret happiness to our minds. This search will make us go to any length and adopt habits that may be harmful in the long term but in the moment give us peace, albeit short lived. It is a battle most of us are fighting, especially young people and to win the war we need to be compassionate to ourselves and to others.

We need to be intentional in our relationships, ask ‘how are you?’ not as an act of courtesy but of care, listen more to people, support in the way we can and just be there.

2020 has been an exhausting year and for most young people the present is grim and the future seems bleak.

Most people appear fine but underneath their smile is a cry for help, a desire to just be seen, heard and understood. As such, we need compassion, empathy and sensitivity. We need kindness, patience, and clarity of mind that helps us admit that it is okay to not have it all figured out.

We need to find value and measure our worth against enduring and non-ephemeral entities like family (our kith and kin), friendships, genuine laughter, helping and serving others.

2020 is still here and while you probably are counting the days till it ends, may it not break our hearts any further, may it end better than anticipated and usher us into a more pleasant 2021.

More importantly though may we find faith, hope and love that keeps our hearts steady, strength to plan and prepare for change, grit to see that our goals are achieved and an unfailing faith in a God who never changes and stays when everyone else walks away.

P.S: Your biggest win this year is that you are alive today. So congratulations and more life to you in 2021!