Finding Agape, The Love You Rise Up To

The first time you fell in love, it was with a woman - dark and beautiful. It wasn't her looks however that made you love her for you were yet to decipher the true meaning of beauty. It was the way she catered to you and doted on you like you were the only one in the world. She nurtured you,fed you, nursed you, smothered you with affection, played with you and was always there even when it didn’t seem like you needed her. 

You had no choice really, loving her came naturally. With time though you came to learn her name, not the name everyone else called her but the name exclusive to you, her firstborn son. "Mummy."

The second time you fell in love, it was with a girl. Onome was your cousins' neighbour and you first saw her during the holidays you spent with your cousins, the one that preceded your 2nd year in primary school. Unlike other girls, she ignored dolls and played with the boys, stood up to bullies and always shared her snacks with others. She seemed wise in a way that was unusual with other kids and you stuttered each time she tried to make conversation with you.

The love however disappeared that day you played the game of hide and seek. Everyone hid and she was to find them. You watched her from your hiding place as she walked straight to you - you still do not know how she knew exactly where you had hidden. Instead of screaming that she had found you, she leaned in and kissed you. You stood frozen for some seconds and bolted. You still do not know why you ran but your love for her turned to fear and died that day.

The third time you fell in love, it was with a boy. You knew it was love because even though your Mum, Dad and other relatives were in the room, it seemed like you were alone with him. Everyone else faded as you stared at him. You touched him and he purred and broke into a smile, the best you had seen. That day, even though you didn't know how, you promised yourself that you would always protect him.

The next day at school, you excitedly told your friends about him. Your mother's new born son, your baby brother.

Love for you came in phases, and as you grew, you experienced and received love from different people - family, friends, girlfriends and even strangers. You however learned that some of what you thought of as love were crushes and infatuation - pseudo-love.

You recall that day many years ago in Sunday school where the teacher said love had different types and classified them into three - Eros, Phileo and Agape.

Eros or romantic love he said, is selfish as it is dependent on certain conditions. It is the type that exists between lovers and isn't built to last. Phileo or brotherly love on the other hand is less selfish and is the type a mother/father has for their child. Agape however isn't dependent on any condition or relationship, it loves inspite of faults, errors and mistakes.

You asked if Eros could transition to Agape and he said it could. He said it is the only way Eros could last.

On that day, you promised yourself that you would search for a love like that. One that isn't selfish and dependent on conditions.

Through the years you searched and waited for her, the one who would give you that agape kind of love and even when after medical school you were yet to find her, you didn't lose faith.

You kept your promise to wait, until that day when you sat at the isolation centre with Mitaire, your colleague who was being treated for a virus that she contracted from a patient. As you watched her cough through the pain that racked her body, smiling weakly as she said "hazard of the occupation", you realized you had found Agape.

You really didn't find it, you chose it.

You chose it the day you took the Hippocratic oath, promising to serve as a Doctor in a country where occupational hazard fee for Doctors is less than #50,000 and Doctors sometimes perform surgical procedures with rechargeable lamps and torches.

You affirmed this love each time you place your hand on the forehead of a patient to feel their temperature, unaware of any pre-existing medical condition you may contract.

You practice the patience of Agape each time you deal with a patient feigning sickness just to get the attention of their loved ones or to escape work (malingering). You would let them think they had you fooled too by playing along with them.

You choose Agape’s kindness every time you assist women in labour as they scream in the delivery room and its gentleness on nights when you stay awake with mothers, battling to save the lives of their children.

On that day you realized that instead of holding your breath as you wait for that 'special' one, you ought to pray for her because while you'd share your life with her, she'd share you with a hundred thousand others whom you have sworn to care for.

As you watched Mitaire battle for her life, not sure what the outcome would be, not holding a grudge for the patient that infected her, you realized that Agape love isn't something to be waited on. It is a love you give even when there are no guarantees of receiving.

Agape is a life and you chose it the day you decided to care for the sick regardless of their sex, creed, beliefs and social status, or whether their condition came by error or by their recklessness.

Agape, love in its purest form you have learned, is not something to be waited on but something you rise up to, it begins with a purpose and is done on purpose.

For The One Who Loved With No Plan B

Today you sit by yourself and you take a sip from the glass of wine in your hand - tart and sour.

Yesterday, you were not by yourself. Yesterday you sat with her as you watched the sky together. The sky was starless, not even the moon was in sight and you laughed when she said the stars and moon must have broken up with the sky.

Today you listen to the playlist you really like. The one with songs that remind you of fire, joy, life, happy days, love - and her.

Yesterday you listened to the playlist with her but you didn't tell her. You didn't tell her the songs reminded you of magic and your childhood and sunshine and happy days - and her. But you should have.

Today you replay your conversations in your head. You recall everything, every word, sigh, joke, laughter, arguments, and even the unspoken words - the ones communicated through each other’s eyes.

Yesterday you listened like you were not really interested, but you were. You were happy about, and very interested in the conversations and would have given anything to hear the words that were left unsaid. But you didn't tell her.

Today you hear her voice again as she spoke, "no day passes without thoughts of you on my mind". She said. And you knew it was the truth.

Yesterday you heard those words from her, she spoke calmly and wholeheartedly in her ‘I don’t care if this makes me vulnerable’ kind-of-way. But you kept mute because you were angry - maybe because you felt vulnerable too, and scared. Really, you were unsure how you felt.

Today you sip from your glass and you are not sure if it's regret you feel. Regret for the words you could have said, the thoughts you could have shared, the hugs you could have given, the kisses you could have drank in, every scent of her that you could have taken in and the contours that you could have memorized.

Yesterday you were not sure what to feel either but you knew one thing for sure. You liked your conversations. You were afraid because you felt vulnerable, yet you wanted to talk, to hug, to kiss, to take in her scent and to memorize every curve and contour. But you said nothing and barely did.

Today you feel the tingle in your throat as you swallow your tart and sour wine. You feel the tingle as you recall the words you should have said to her. Your truth, the gospel of all you adored about her, with veracity that held no contradiction.

Yesterday you wanted to say those words but you didn't. To tell her she meant more to you than she knew but you let fear stifle your truth because you thought that would be giving her power over you. And your heart.

Today you wish you had said those words to her. You wish you had let go of your fear or acted in spite of them.

Yesterday you tried to be strong for you, to protect yourself, your pride, your heart.

Today you wish you had stayed weak for once. Weak enough to be human. Human enough to admit that you wanted the friendship, the laughter, the joys and moments of rapturous delight.

Yesterday you held back, yesterday you chose you, yesterday you did what you thought was right. Yesterday she questioned your aloofness and told you she needed certitude about what you shared but then, you asked her to never reach out to you again.

Today you wish you had not said those words. Today you wish you could speak to her just one more time. To tell her all the things you didn't say yesterday.

Yesterday you worried that letting her in would start a fire that may never go out. That she had effortless va va voom and would always be the one who made the hours seem like seconds.

Today you know for sure, she did start a fire that may never be quenched. Today you try to forget, but you are learning a new truth, that the heart has a mind of its own.

Yesterday you didn't tell her that no matter what, she would always hold a place in your heart.

So today you write to let her know that you still carry her and may never stop. And that regardless of what she thinks, your heart still remembers.

Today, you sit by yourself as you sip from your glass of wine and you raise that glass to the girl who loved you with no Plan B for though she is not here today, you will always know that it is her who loved you with her spirit. It is her who would have walked to the ends of the earth with and for you …and perhaps, even bleed for you. 

But yesterday, you let her go.

The Blind Spot, What If?

 

A colleague once shared a video that showed a father run his car over his child.

The father was driving in from work and as he maneuvered his car so as to park, his young son (about 3 or 4 years old) ran out of the house to meet him. The car is an SUV so the man doesn't see the boy and the tyre climbed the son who laid down screaming. It was the mother who walked out at the time that ran to her husband, gesturing for him to reverse as their son was trapped under the tyre.

I couldn't watch the video and only listened to others talk about it. Watching it would have given me nightmares as I do not have the heart for blood, violence, torture or horror. 

My colleague who shared the video said the baby survived but we all agreed that the father may develop a phobia for driving as a result of the trauma. It is not his fault though, his baby was in his blind spot.

A blind spot is a place in which people or objects are invisible even though they are there.

Days later, I listened to a message by Bishop T.D. Jakes titled 'The Blind Spot' and it made me realize that just like the father, I too may have people being crushed and smothered because they are in my blind spot.

It could be a blind spot created by my beliefs, values and experiences. So I may treat people unfairly without knowing it just because I'm minding my business and staying true to me.

It brought so many questions to the fore, like, if my faith were to be measured by how I treat people, would I still be worthy?

Has my spirituality saturated my behaviour that my vertical now overwhelms my horizontal so I focus on what I think is right and do not care if others suffer because of my actions?

When after singing in worship, lifting up holy hands and praying in tongues I am mean to others, do I reflect God’s love?

If someone goes on their knees tonight asking God to take out their enemies, would I be that enemy?

What if while castigating people in the name of God, I am destroying his elect - the ones he died for?

If my love were weighed on a scale, would it be mature? Perfect enough to cast out fear? Pure enough to make me blameless before God's judgement seat?

Or do I have selective amnesia? Focusing on the glaring flaws of others and forgetting that not so long ago I was enmeshed in the dirt and mud of sin?

Do I reflect the mercy I have been given?

Have I forgotten that mercy doesnt end with me but begins with me?

Do I hold others hostage for being human? Do I love things more than people?

I could be saved and still be wrong - so I have learned, but am I honest enough to admit that I can be wrong or that having good sense of judgement doesn't guarantee right(eous)ness?

Am I living for love?

Am I freely giving the same grace I have received? The same amazing grace that gives me the audacity to say:

Once I was lost but now I am found.

Once I was blind, now I can see.

Once I was hurt, now I have been healed.

Once I was broken now I am whole.

Can I give of this grace without compromising my values, my faith, my essence (ME)?

If I step out of myself to see me as others do, what will I see? If I shift my focus to look from others’ point of view, would I be horrified?

What if like the Dad in the video my former colleague shared, I have run over the ones I should love and cannot even see them gasp in pain because I am operating from a blind spot?

What if it is I who desperately needs grace, who needs to step out, who needs to see the light? What if?

Go BIG or Go HOME!

Will an extremist mindset not set in, resulting in perfectionist tendencies? Where do we draw the line in becoming insensitive and losing out on other aspects of life? In breaking the rules one mostly acts before thinking but will there be repercussions we may never recover from? 

These were my questions and comments after an opening speech at a meeting I participated in. It was a review meeting and as the name implies, it is geared towards evaluation of work done within a programmatic quarter, actions taken, how they have served to achieve targets set, sharing best practices and brain storming on what needs to be done to improve work and quality as well as ensure sustainability of a given project.

People are called out on performance issues, sometimes voices are raised, methods are scrutinized, egos get bruised, good work is commended, people fight, make love - fight again and make love again - or not, but ultimately the goal remains growth for the organization which will in turn mean growth for all. 

So my questions were some of those going on in my head as the Speaker delivered his speech titled ‘Go BIG or Go HOME’. 

I pondered as he spoke and eventually asked my questions when he asked if anyone had comments or questions. The nod of other colleagues as I spoke showed that they too had probably been thinking the same. He noted that with success most times rationalization and sensitivity takes the back burner as growth and achievement leaves no time for being emotional with decision making. 

This mentality forces one to be creative and to utilize every second maximally because it is in the maximizing of the moment that we are able to make sense of the hours, days, weeks, months and years. 

“What then becomes of family?” Another colleague asked. “Would it be worth it to win at the detriment of family and have no one to share success with?” 

“How do you find the balance with work and family?” He added.

“Family will be fine especially as going big also means winning on all fronts.” This was the Speaker’s response to the questions posed by my colleague. 

As the conversation went on I recalled recent conversations with mentors and contemporaries about finding a balance with work - and life. 

The consensus has been that once one gets into work, it becomes life too and trying to find a balance will leave one burned out or even frustrated because the overlap is inevitable. 

Work will always be there and may sometimes take away the time that should be given to family, friends, spiritual activities, social activities & others (clubs, charitable causes et al). 

The best way to go therefore to find this balance, is in not delineating work from life by accepting that work is life too because more often than not it defines life, and even gives it the value that we desire by paying for the cost of living. 

Knowing this helps to create a different perspective and let’s us embrace work as well as incorporate it into other aspects of life. 

For example, I function as a Daughter, Sister, Friend, Aunt et al and having this consciousness helps me to take on these roles and to switch between my responsibilities with grace. Adding Colleague or Team member to the list of roles I take on will birth the balance that I desire and work will become life too.

Then I will be able to plan better and not feel guilty or inadequate to handle work and life. So instead of feeling guilty on days when I cannot meet the demands of one of my responsibilities, I reflect and seek ways to improve and succeed. This brings the balance.

This balance will however be only meaningful and gratifying if I win at work by leaving no room for mediocrity and choosing to ‘Go BIG or Go HOME’. 

But am I willing to be knowingly irrational and insensitive in my quest for success? 

Will I intentionally kick or even cut off another human’s balls so I can score a goal? 

Can I be excellent and still be humane? 

Perhaps ‘yes’, I can choose to not settle and still be sensitive. I can be rational and humane but still be known as the one with a knack for excellence. 

The one who separates feelings from logic when it comes to work because they understand that emotions do not win races. The one that would not stop until the goal is achieved and who like Apostle Paul is focused on “pressing towards the mark for the prize of the high calling”.

Maybe I will have days when no one and nothing else matters but the ball and the net in front of me. For as Nelson Mandela said “there is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” I can do my work and still have personal relationships thrive.

So like the Speaker, I say to you too ‘Go BIG or Go HOME’ but strive to always check to ensure you do not sacrifice family, health and life in the process. 

Be determined to go BIG and I hope this determination becomes the yeast that causes you to rise and rise until the lamb in you becomes a lion that roars so loudly that the world has no choice but to stop and listen.