Get Your Hands Dirty, Work On Your Grass

"If I had known the life I was searching for was looking me right in the eye and was already my own." 

These are lyrics from Adekunle Gold's 'Ire'. 

I love the song and I think it's message is profound especially because I have heard a lot about going in search of greener pastures, making that move for change etal. I even advocate it and while that is good I think we do not talk enough about making the most of the gifts, privileges, opportunities, relationships we have. And maybe we should do more of that. 

Maybe we should talk more of being sure we have sufficiently watered our grass before we sojourn to another. 

Maybe we should focus on building with what we have, where we are because the painful thing would be to find out that the gold you have been chasing was right in your back yard and all you needed to do was dig a little deeper. Or that the mountain you have been climbing has been nothing but sand especially when it crumbles and doesn't hold you up as you expect. As you come crashing down you realize that you had the answer all along but was too blind to see. 

Maybe we should explore our gifts, try again and again before we decide to let go. Maybe we need to change our perspective, change the way we see the things and people we have instead of trying to change them. 

I recall a session with Speaker, Fela Durotoye once when he stated that 'Owo' means both hand and money in Yoruba. The context in which the word is used makes the difference. Perspective! 

The year has just begun and it is the time when we make changes. It is the season of new beginnings, the time we hear messages about starting afresh. The time we clean our closets and toss out the old to usher in the new. 

I believe in change. I believe in burning bridges that no longer serve us but I'm now learning about watering my grass, colouring it green if need be, exhausting my options before taking a walk. 

Maybe it comes with experience, maybe it comes with life but I have learned that sometimes it's not a new shoe we need. Sometimes what we need to do is polish the old shoe we spent so much money to purchase, after all we already know where that one pinches. 

The greatness you seek may be lying in what you have in your hand, it depends on what you do with it, how you speak about it and dream of it. 

When Jesus Christ was to perform his first miracle the turning of water into wine, he asked that they bring the water they already had. He made history with what could have been discarded. 

I may not be totally right, we may indeed have to burn more bridges and move on to new ventures but we should also try watering the grass more, exhausting our options and recreating ourselves before finally moving on. 

Goodness is calling out to you but you may not need to move anywhere else to find it. Remember that the grass is greener where you water the ground. 

Get your hands dirty and get to work before its too late.

Just Do It!

By ALL means do that which you have been holding back on. What's the worst that can happen?

Just know that at least you tried.

Use Your Brain, Use Your Heart!

"It is like being told I can't live because I'm black."

Those were the young man's words as he spoke to the Reporter about living as a black teenager in a White community.
I was watching '101 East' on Aljazeera and the story was about 'Black Gangs' in Melbourne, Australia.
According to the report there has been an increase in gangs of black teenagers who commit criminal activities in Melbourne.

A young white woman who was interviewed narrated her experience with some black teenagers who broke into her home in the middle of the night. Her husband managed to drive them away but they stole their two vehicles.
As she spoke she cried stating that the sight of black people bring back memories of the night. She noted that she knows it unfair to judge people because of their colour but she couldn't help it. I do not blame her. It is what trauma does to a person's mind - it causes paranoia.

The young man who was interviewed stated that he is judged because of his colour and cannot get a job because there's the fear that he may be a criminal. When he goes to shop, he is watched like a thief. He decided to start what he called the first black owned record label in Melbourne and released a rap video. Guess what he and his team raps about? Crime, drugs and violence - that's what they promote in their song.
He says they wanted to take advantage of the criminal reports but it back fired as news spread that they were actually gang members. It's like hammering the nail on one's own coffin. I guess sometimes being stupid and reckless is part of being young.

As I watched the report, I empathized with the white woman who was robbed as well as the young boys who are suffering from the crime of a few black teenagers.

It is what stereotyping does.

We judge a group based on the actions of a few. In philosophy it is called the 'fallacy of hasty generalization'.
I have had people tell me that they are surprised to see a calm Warri girl when they hear I grew up in Warri because in their opinion 'Warri People' are crazy. Nigerian comedians haven't helped with this image as in their attempt to crack jokes they talk about how in Warri violence is the order of the day and that even old women carry guns and break bottles. Even those who have never been to Warri have milked this narrative.

It is what Chimamanda talked about in 'the danger of a single story'. I wrote about it HERE too. 

Stereotyping results in us making subjective judgements. It promotes our differences and not our common humanity. There are bad people every where just as there are good people and this isn't limited to one race, tribe or gender.

Listen to both sides of a story before you draw your conclusion and don't always take everything you read hook, line and sinker.

The reason we have brains is so we can think/rationalize and the reason we have a heart is so we can empathize and remember our humanity is the common denominator for us all.

Use your brain. Use your heart.

You Are Not An Improved Version Of Your Old Self

Dance because of your dreams!

You are not an improved version of your old self, you are something altogether new!

Dear Woman, As A Nurturer You Deserve To Be Nurtured Too

I had a conversation today with a friend about balancing work and family as women - mothers and wives.
This was a result of my response to her Whatsapp status about women balancing work and family, referring to Glenn Close' emotional speech when she won the award for Best Actress in a Drama at the Golden Globes.

I responded with "One of my concerns. My schedule now leaves little time for anything else and I wonder what it would be like when I start my family."

She noted that while she is grateful for her family she knows family has slowed her down.

I honestly can't count the number of times I have asked my colleagues who are married how they cope. They would laugh and say they always find a way.

Women are nurturers and I think it is the biggest privilege anyone can have. To give life and nurture that life is a privilege never to be taken for granted. 

However to nurture life while creating value with your gifts/talents and making your mark in the world is the highest calling anyone can answer to.

I have been privileged to have a mother who did her business travelling all over while raising us. She set an example for me about pursuing my dream and never letting it go no matter what. This isn't easy especially in a society like ours where women are called to sacrifice a lot.

I know many women who have given up their dreams to raise families, if you ever had to I must salute your courage. Some quit their jobs and relocate after marriage, if this is you I hope you are able to begin again.

I read an interview where Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie noted that having to nurture her baby has slowed down her writing. For someone as tenacious as she is, it shows that raising a family takes its toll on even the fiercest of us.

So dear Woman,

I hope that you are able to find your purpose and pursue it while raising your family. I hope that you choose a partner who holds your hand and supports you all the way while you both build a home. I hope that you are able to say like Glenn Close, "I can and should be allowed to do that."

And most importantly, I hope that you nurture yourself too and look beautiful EVERYDAY while at it.

See excerpts from Glenn Close' speech below:

"To play a character who is so internal, I'm thinking of my mom who really sublimated herself to my father her whole life,”
"In her 80s she said to me, 'I feel like I haven't accomplished anything.' And it was so not right. And I feel like what I've learned from this whole experience is, women, we're nurturers, that's what's expected of us.
"We have our children, we have our husbands if we're lucky enough, and our partners. But we have to find personal fulfilment. We have to follow our dreams. We have to say, 'I can do that and I should be allowed to do that.’

Protect The 'PRIDE', This Is What Lions Do

"Most men invest their time in matters of transient value at the expense of what they should cherish, what they should value like love, life, family". Those were Chief Obiagu's words to Adaeze his daughter as he affirmed his belief in her abilities.

Adaeze was in a tight position, facing the biggest challenge yet, in her life and career and those words sown by her father produced fruit of light and insight for the answer she sought to save their family business 'Lion Heart Motors'. This is the story of the movie 'Lion Heart'.

I saw the movie last night and because I am not a movie critic, I cannot tell you about the technicalities but I will share the lessons I learned. 

The first is the importance of family, family is everything. As I watched I recalled the line "how can we not talk about family when family is all that we have got?" from the song 'See You Again'.
My brother says this to me a lot so it's stuck. In the end family is all we really have, they know us as we were and have held our hands through our lowest moments so we must do our best to hold on to the ties that bind us.

This is reinforced by Mrs Obiagu when she told her daughter "you can never come between two brothers". Adaeze was angry that her father picked his brother over her to head the company in his absence but she learned quickly that Ndidiamaka, Edirinverere, Surulere if you must, patience is a virtue.

I also learned about leaving a legacy. The bible says a wise man leaves an inheritance for his sons. Not everyone is privileged to have that but we should strive to give our children what we may not have gotten. Most importantly ensure that you teach them the values you hold dear because in the face of challenges, those values will help them keep the legacy.
A good leader is one who has a successor to carry on his legacy after he has gone. Ask Jesus Christ, that man died long ago but his work is still going on.
Lion Heart motors in this movie is more than a business, it's a legacy.

I learned too that when push comes to shove, you had better sit up because the ones who dined with you may not waste time in turning to your enemy if he offers them a 'seemingly' more scrumptious meal. This is evident in the board's swift lean in to Igwe Paschal a rival business man who wanted to buy 'Lion Heart Motors' after it was declared bankrupt.
You "sit up and shut up" as Mrs Obiagu (Onyeka Onwenu's character) admonished and get to work. 

And then I learned about picking those who will do the work in your presence  as well as in your absence. Those with you should be for you whether you are there or not and even if they are just two people, you have done well.

I learned that sometimes when you are put on trial you may never get the opportunity to defend yourself before your accusers. Don't you think so? But continue you must. Keep on till you prove them wrong.

Another important lesson is affirmation of confidence and love for our children, siblings, family.
I was emotional when Chief Obiagu (Pete Edochie's character) told his daughter "The biggest legacy I will leave for posterity is you my daughter. You are the pendulum of my life if you stop swinging, then I'm done." Dang!
I have had people repose confidence in me and I know how I vow to never disappoint them, so imagine hearing that from your father - you would surely go through hell and high waters to let him know he was never wrong. He was never wrong. 

And when you hit rock bottom, it is an indication that you cannot go lower therefore change will happen if you keep pushing and remember that "God never gives you a burden he has not equipped you to carry" as Mrs Obiagu admonished. Never ever give up.

It is also a story about SERENDIPITY. Adaeze (Genevieve Nnaji's character) earned an admirer while simply minding her business.

Lion Heart is Genevieve Nnaji's directorial debut and I think she did a fantastic work with the story, picture quality and cast.
She told a beautiful story that is relatable yet not cliche while show casing the rich culture of the Igbo people.

Overall it is a feel good movie, a simple classic that got me smiling widely at the end. Most of the actors are from the 'old Nollywood' and that made me nostalgic.

You earn your place in people's heart not by being timid but by being bold, courageous and blazing the trail. This can only happen with a Lion Heart.

Obiagu! Protect 'the' Pride!

P.S: A company/group of Lions is called a 'Pride' and Lions do all they can to protect the 'Pride'.

Just Like Liverpool, In Marriage You Should Never Walk Alone

"Okiemute do you agree?"
"Agree with what?" I asked.
With what Kachi is saying.
"Do you think it's a Woman's duty to cook or not?" Oh! In my head I thought "another man and woman argument?"

I knew they were discussing or rather arguing but I wasn't listening. So when Alesha asked I wanted to tell her I had an interview in a few hours and a report to finish before I set out for the interview. And then a movie premiere that I can only attend if I'm able to finish the interview in time so the last thing on my mind is who should cook.

In fact if I were married, my husband would probably have asked me not to bother with cooking today. With all I had to do? His wife cannot come and die because of food o.

"So what do you think?" I looked at them, as they watched me waiting for my response. 3 of my Senior colleagues all married and probably in their 50s, 3 other males and 3 females.
"I think a woman should cook and a man should support where necessary. If they are too busy and can afford it, they can get a Chef."
"Okiemute has started again, which one is Chef again?" Another colleague retorted.
"If they have to fight about who cooks, they should get a Chef na."

Kachi was having none if all I was saying. "Never!" she said, we have to share everything equally.
Kachi calm down I said, "You are sounding like it's a war."
"Yes o, it is a war. Women have suffered too much. In fact I shouldn't have been born in this Nigeria."

"Haba! This one pass me o" I thought as I went back to working on my report, let me run for cover in this war.
"So you think women abroad do not cook in their homes?" A colleague asked Kachi.

The argument continued. Some warned her not to marry an Igbo man with her ideology as she would receive backhand slap.
"But she is Igbo na." I said but in head I thought bare Igbo men violent?"
"Don't mind them." she responded.

Then our Boss walked in. "What's the argument about? Why the noise?"

Apparently the voices had transcended our floor to hers.
When she was told she gave her opinion which is
1. We should raise boys who do not see women as good only for sex and the kitchen like most of our fathers did. Boys should cook too - Let me state here that my Dad cooked when I was younger, ehen.
2. Kachi shouldn't go telling guys that 'this is war o, we must share every chore equally" relationship is not war.
3. Every couple should decide how their home will be run.
4. It is easy to remember our rights until we meet the one we love.

"Kachi it's your kind that will wash beans and make Moi Moi after work just to please a man. Not because you are stupid but because you love him" She said and we all laughed.

I am an advocate of number 3 and I also nodded at number 4. Love changes everything but it is still respects the other.

The argument proceeded to Football and because I have 0.00000001% knowledge of Football, I can't tell you how that panned out. I remember though that she said Liverpool would beat some club maybe Arsenal or Chelsea or Manchester United or Manchester City - I can't recall but I know Liverpool was mentioned.

As I continued with my Report, I thought of Liverpool's slogan 'You will never walk alone' and I smiled and nodded because against all odds, this is what marriage should be about.

In marriage, you should never walk alone.

Do More To Let Her Know You Love Her

My eyes caught them and I wondered why I hadn't noticed them before. They stood on the other side of the baggage carousel in the baggage reclaim area. We were waiting for our luggage.

I looked at the young and really pretty mother with her equally pretty daughter, but it wasn't their looks that caught my attention, it was the cuff on their arms. The daughter's arm was chained to the Mum's arm with a spiral rubber cuff. I had never seen that before so I stared for a few more seconds before looking away. The Mum was obviously trying to ensure that her daughter didn't get lost. Whenever the little girl seemed to be straying far as she pranced about, the Mum would pull her back.

To be honest it was a funny sight as the little girl looked like a dog on a leash.

As I looked on I realised that some other people were staring too but the Mother seemed not to care. She is probably used to the stares and cared only about one thing - the safety of her child.

As I watched them, I wondered if the little girl knew the woman holding her would gladly bleed for her. I wondered if in her state of innocence she knew this woman would go to the ends of the earth for her.

As I watched them my mind drifted to a question I have had to answer one time too many.

"Are you the last child?" It is usually followed with "are you the first?" when I answer in the negative. "Then why does your Mum keep calling you?"

I once told a colleague who asked while a training was on that "it's because her baby is far from home. She calls us all like this, she can't help it."

This is true.

A mother cannot help the way she feels about her child. In the Greek categorization of Love, the love a Mother has for her child is categorized as 'Phileo', to love 'because'. So a mother loves 'because this is her child'.
From experience however, I'd say a mother's love is more like 'Agape', to love 'in spite of'. Mothers love in spite of their children's shortcomings and mistakes.

A mother's love stays in spite of, it never gives up. I can't count how many times I have offended my Mum but I always know she'd never let me go, no matter what. There are a few things I am 'sure' of, this is one of them.

As my mind drifts to the present I watch the Mother and her daughter, they had picked up their luggage and were walking out. Mine was yet to come so I had to wait but as I waited, I thought to myself - we expresslove for our mothers more.

We should do better, give better and act better. We should do more to let them know we love them more.

What If It Was Her Who Couldn't Make Love To Him?

 "I married you for companionship and not sex."

He was screaming.
"You must tell me what is wrong with you today." She retorted.
He was sitting at the dining table made of glass, his food in front of him.
"I need to eat, don't push me." He was scooping food from the plate.
"I said you must tell me what is wrong today." She screamed again.
He made to stand up warning her but he didn't expect what happened next.
She hit the dining table with so much force that it broke into pieces.
Even I was shocked - Jesu! Aunty calm down na.
At that point he knew she had lost it and his gragra wouldn't do.
He immediately went on his knees promising to tell her the truth.

It turned out to be a bitter truth.
As he spilled it out her eyes almost fell off their socket.
He was impotent, incapable of having an erection. She was too befuddled to speak at first and then she broke into tears.

"Are you telling me that you are not functioning down there?" She pointed at his groin. He nodded.
"Eh! My God, what have I gotten myself into?"
As she cried I felt like crying too.

After 3 months of marriage, begging her husband to make love to her, him coming up with all sorts of excuses and even faking sickness demanding to be hospitalized, he finally admitted that he had erectile dysfunction.
This has to be any woman's worst nightmare. Kweke!

A husband that can never make love to you?
I knew it!
What man runs away from sex and gets angry when his partner insists on making love? Na him go dey rush you sef.
But Oga why didn't you tell her before marriage na? You were there saying you made a vow to be celibate before marriage. Even I was rooting for you...common!

She went on to confide in her friend who advised her to either leave him or get a lover outside. I felt for her.

How can she walk out on her marriage? And then cheating? Maybe she should walk out instead. I mean what would you advise in a situation like this?
She turned down both suggestions and decided to seek medical advice, against her husband's wish. He wanted to bear the shame in silence to protect his pride but Aunty was having none of it.

I do not blame her, which pride? Sir, you are in your own o, cravings know no pride. Kapish?

Thankfully his condition could be remedied by surgery, so they opted for that.
3 months after the surgery Aunty became the one complaining,

"Sweetheart I am tired, we were at it all day and all night. Please let me rest."
In my head I thought "Rest? Define rest please because I am not understanding. After all the fighting and quarrel now action time comes and you want to rest. No jokes but we are making up for lost time and making down payment for the future. So Aunty level up!"

This story I just shared happened in a movie I just saw.

The man in question was practically forced to get married. At age 40 he was wealthy but single because in his words "he hadn't found his kind of woman and was being careful."
Turned out that he avoided women because of his predicament.

And while it ended happily as predicted, I couldn't help but wonder if the man would have been as patient and supportive if the tables were turned? Before she broke the table, she had pleaded, seduced, cried and even fasted.
Imagine fasting to get laid...Odiegwu!

I ask this question because men are raised to be egotistical while women are raised to be altruistic. I think it is society and not nature.

Men can, and do get away with so much.

And in reality, if a couple is yet to conceive, the woman takes the blame - this one is barren they say, Oga please try another leg.
If a woman has a baby outside wedlock, she is to blame - I mean she tripped and impregnated herself right? Oh! I forgot, she is simply irresponsible.

If a husband does something he ought not to do, the woman is told it is because she isn't doing something right.

So if the woman in the movie was unable to have sex with her husband after over 100 days of marriage because of a condition she didn't disclose before the wedding, would he have been as patient? 

Would he have cried and pleaded?

Would her love have been enough?

I Saw Him Again, The One Whose Dream Is Being Toyed With

"Hey Aunty, good morning."

I turned to look at him. His face was familiar but I wasn't sure where I had seen him.

"Don't you remember me?" He asked.
"Hmm, your face is familiar but I am trying to recall where..."
Before I could land he responded "the guy that took your pictures"
"Oh, oh, now I remember. How are you?"
He was the one that took pictures of me days ago. He noted that he was fine and made to walk on.

"Are you going to your office?" I asked.
"Yes ma." He turned again. His office is in the same complex as mine but he probably didn't know. "Okay, why don't you join us?"

He was with another young man so I told the Cab man taking me that he and his friend would join us. 

As we journeyed he asked if I had goodies from the festive season for him. I chuckled, I was in no mood small talk.

"I am doing this to pass time until the strike is called off." I heard him say, that piqued my interest. Apparently he is doing Photography until the Academic Staff Union of Universities (ASUU) calls off their strike action.

"You are a student?"
"Yes ma."
"Where?"
"Uyo, Akwa Ibom."
"You came to Abuja from Uyo?"
"Yes ma."
"What are you studying?"
"Agro-economics."
"I like that you are making productive use of your time than to sit at home. Well done."
"Thank you ma."
I asked about his plans for the future noting that there's a lot of money to be made from Agriculture. 

As we spoke I considered all the other undergraduates whose future hang in the balance because of the strike action. Some may not be like this young man who chose to work because they may not even be sure of what they want yet.

But should he even have been in Abuja working when he could have been at school? Would a responsible government allow youths idle away?

I recall a meeting where it was noted that there were plans to build more tertiary institutions. A country that is yet to effectively manage the existing ones? Where less than 50% of funds budgeted for tertiary education in 2018 has been disbursed?

Are we moulding youths or discouraging them? Are we encouraging them or killing their dreams?

I graduated 3 months later than I was supposed to because of this same ASUU strike action.

Organised labour has even threatened to go on strike over the statement by the Nigerian Governor's Forum that most states may be unable to pay the proposed thirty thousand naira new minimum wage.

As we alighted from the vehicle, he thanked me for the ride and as he walked on I turned to look at him, the one whose dream is being toyed with.

Let's be serious please and let this nonsense stop in 2019. Abeg!

What Have You Done About The Money To Be Made This Year?

I had a good time laughing today as I saw a colleague's computer screen saver. He had put up a picture of wads of Naira notes.

"This is to remind me of my only goal this year as I see it every day".

"So why Naira na, why not Pounds and Dollars?" I asked still laughing.

"No this is good. In millions and billions it will still be the same as Dollars", he replied and I laughed some more.

I liked that he put up his goal in a space where he'll always see it.
"So how much have you made this year, it's day 2 already o?", I asked.
He noted that he already had deals that would bring more money than I can imagine and I laughed some more. As we spoke I reiterated the fact that we do not have 365 days any more in 2019.

"In fact we have less that 364 days as it stands so make every second count." I said. He nodded, I could see that he was thinking deeply about what I had said.
As we continued our conversation I recalled a conversation I had with my brother yesterday about making the most of the seconds to give meaning to the minutes, hours, days, weeks, months and ultimately the year.
This is true.
We have less than 365 days now in 2019 and if we do not make the most of the seconds then the minutes would be lost and the minutes add up to the days, weeks, months and then the year.

What have you done so far this year? Still recovering from your enjoyment galore? Have you at least put up a picture of what you want?

If you are not sure what step to take, you could reach out to someone whose opinion you trust for advice. You can just pick a good book and keep reading until light dawns for you.

The year has begun, the time to start whatever you set out for is now. By this time tomorrow we will have less than 363 days left.

No pressures please but be deliberate in acting and just remember that it's best to do nothing than to be busy doing nothing.

Love and light to you!😉✌💞

Happy New Year 2019

And the New Year has come! I pray that is your best year yet and that you find the wisdom and courage to move decisively towards getting all you desire. Happy 2019, Live on a Grace diet.