I Was There When The World Went Mad

The year is 1995.

I am in Primary one and the teacher is teaching us about the family. He says a family is made up of a father, a mother and their children.

He says also that there are two types of family, the nuclear family which is made up of both parents and their children and the extended family which consists of the parents, children, uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents.

As he speaks, he points to the picture on the Social Studies textbook. It is the picture of a man and a woman holding two children, a boy and a girl.

He adds also that a female child is called a girl and a male child is called a boy, he says it is called Gender so I grow up knowing that my gender is female because I am a girl while my brothers are male because they are boys.

I passed from Primary one to Primary two and through Primary school to Secondary school, the definition of family never changed.

The year now is 2018.

I am filling a form online and when I get to the part for gender, the options are Male, Female, Other and Would rather not say.

As I tick female for me, I remember that times have changed a lot from 1995 when I was a child in Primary one to 2018 when I have become a Woman. 

I remember that the definition of family has changed to 'a set of parents and their children'.

This set may consist of a man and a woman, two men or two women.
Parents no longer have to be male and female and people of the same gender can now marry - not in my country though.

I remember also that people now have the right to choose their gender and so a child who's born female can get a surgery done to become a boy if she feels like it and vice versa.

I remember that some men once protested about their rights to have a monthly menstrual flow and to also be pregnant like women.

I remember that a group of men also once went to court to ask that the term 'pregnant women' be changed to 'pregnant people'.

Today there are no more moral absolutes as good and bad are now relative.

I remember also that the legal age to have sex in some countries is now 15 years as such if your child is raped at 15 and there's no proof that she was forced then you have no case in court as she is considered legally old enough to have sex with anybody - male or female.

I remember that some people are now working tirelessly to justify pedophilia - sex with a child and they say it's because some people are wired that way.

I wouldn't blame them though because another group is trying to justify sex with animals (bestiality) and they say this is because some people are attracted to horses, goats, chickens, dogs, snakes and even rats and it's the way they are wired.

I remember the story of young girl who gleefully took to social media to announce that she and her best friend are pregnant for the same man and she thinks this means their children will be best friends. 

Today, anything goes.

I remember that in a bid to practice freedom of choice we have put aside morality, forgetting that a society without rules guiding behaviour is a society headed for chaos and that true freedom lies in the ability to restrain oneself and exercise self control when necessary.

I remember that there seem to be more mentally ill persons walking the streets and even making policies so instead of seeking the help of Psychiatrists for their desires, they head to court to ask for the right to be whatever it is they want or feel like at that moment.

I remember as I complete my form that this is the world I will be bringing my children into and I remind myself that I have a lot of work to do.

This work begins with speaking into their lives and praying for what I want for them even while they are yet in my womb.

They will ask a lot of questions and I will tell them that once upon a time good and bad were not relative.

When they say people tell them they are being judgmental for upholding mommy's beliefs, I will remind them that it's okay to not go with popular opinion and that I was there when the world went mad.

May You Not Believe Them

May you find reasons to smile every time you look in the mirror.

May you not believe the lies they tell you about your physique and abilities.

May you not believe them when they say your dreams are too big.

May the words they say to break you not make you lose faith in love and life.

May you remember that no one is perfect and that you are a work in progress, a seed that will blossom.

May you find beauty in your scars and may each one be a reminder of battles won.

May you have the wisdom to know that love not backed by action isn’t love.

May you not depend on romantic love to shore up your self image.

May you have the discernment to tell when all they want is your flesh and care nothing about your soul.

May you heal from the past hurts and open yourself to life’s goodness.

May you remember that you are stronger than pain and that a diamond with flaws is worth more than a pebble without imperfections.

May you remember that you are special but you need to first know how special you are before others will.

May you remember that people will err and so it's best to hold them to a standard of grace and not perfection.

May you find beauty in your self first and love yourself enough so you can receive the kind of love you deserve when it finally comes.

Maybe This Is For You

Keep this in mind all through this month and the remaining part of the year.

 Xoxo!

If It Rains Tonight, How Do You Plan To Keep Warm?

It's a cool Sunday evening and I just had a meal of hot rice and goat meat stew.
Shortly before I did, it threatened to rain and so I had to bring in the clothes I had hung on the line to dry.

As I packed the clothes in, I wondered how those who live in flood prone areas here in Port Harcourt will cope as it has been raining heavily for the past days and many people have already been forced out of their homes because of the flood.
Some business owners have closed shop too like they did for most of last year because of the flood - the government is yet to deal with the issue as promised.

As I thought about those in flood prone areas here in Rivers state who will have a hard time scooping water from their homes and keeping their children and property safe, I remembered those who probably wish all they had to deal with was flood. 

The mother who probably didn't have time to grieve her dead children because she had to scamper for safety and only heard about their mass burial on the news.

The man who probably watched his darling raped brutally before she was murdered in cold blood. He pictures her face now as he looks at his legs that have been cut off and he realizes that he may never walk again but even that wouldn't have mattered if his pregnant wife was by his side.

Then there is the little boy who has no idea where his parents and siblings are. As he sits amongst strangers he sees his sister's face and as he looks at the plate of food that has been handed to him - a plate of watery soup and eba, he wishes he could share it with her as he always did and he wonders why nothing has been done to catch the men who broke the peace and quiet he knew and took everything that was familiar - his parents and sister, their farms, food, property and friends.

He watches the men and women who have become his family in this place called a camp for Internally Displaced Persons as they discuss their ordeals - one woman has no idea where her children are, another watched her husband decapitated before her eyes and yet another man is still in shock as all he remembers is the heat from the fire he was saved from, he has no idea where his life has gone.

I think of them and I feel the tears drop from my eyes because while I have my warm room to lie in when it rains, my fellow country men have been deprived the right to warmth, peace, freedom of movement and association.

Some have been murdered in cold blood and others have been made refugees in a country that is not at war.

Over 200 women and children have died in Plateau, thousands have been buried having been murdered thoughtlessly in Benue and so many others in the Middle Belt live in fear because they know they are not safe and there is nothing they can do about it. 

The President advised that they learn to tolerate their fellow countrymen and even told them not to blame him for the killings.

The Defence Minister stated that whatever has happened is a communal clash resulting from the law against open grazing.

The Senate President thinks it is unfortunate that such killings are happening at a time when the country is preparing for an election.

The world is tweeting and talking but no one is accepting responsibility and none has been held accountable so far in a country where the lives of Cattle have been prized over that of Human beings.

A mockery is being made of humanity, a people's trust have been broken, a child is being made to feel that the world is against him, an army of aggrieved children is being bred, a generation that know nothing about love, warmth and kindness is being raised and all the leaders care about is the next election.

The killer herdsmen have brought terror like have never been witnessed in the history of Nigeria and no one has been made to pay.

We must keep talking about it and require a righting of this wrong as the next bloodshed may be closer than you think.

The cloud has gathered and if nothing is done, we may experience a downpour like we have never seen.

It may rain anytime, maybe tonight.

If it does how do you plan to keep warm?

Having Your Friend Inspect Your Wife's Vagina

Imagine that your wife is in labour and you are caught up in traffic on your way to the hospital but your friend who's also with you and has experience with delivery offers to help you deliver your baby which would mean touching and putting his fingers in your wife's Vagina, would you let him?

Ladies what would you do if you were in such a situation?

This is exactly what happened in the movie "The Best Man Holiday". I just watched it - for the 70th time I guess.

Harper's (Taye Diggs's character) wife goes into labour while they are on holiday in Lance' (Morris Chestnut's character) house and on their way to the hospital it becomes evident that they may not make it because of the traffic.

That's when Lance offered to help with the delivery. 

Harper thanked him smiling, as he thought all Lance had to do was tell his wife to "Push!"
But Lance handed him his phone and said "I'll have to inspect her Cervix (Vagina)".

Harper's expression changed and he looks at his friend askance hoping he was joking when Lance reassuringly adds

"Don't worry, I know my way around the Vagina". 

Before they reached a decision the wife who is in serious pain and whose only concern is to have her child immediately screams "Get on with it!" and that was it.

As I stated, this happened in a movie but who says it cannot happen in reality?

I addressed the question to you men because I assume that a woman in labour wouldn't be bothered about who sticks their finger in her vagina - the pain would make anything tolerable.

I recall the story told of a man who first refused to let a male Nurse inspect his wife's Cervix (Vagina) when she was in labour, he eventually had to though when she slapped him and he realized it was a matter of life and death.

I also read a woman's experience about having to leave a party because she met the Doctor that delivered her baby at the party.
She had not expected to meet him outside the hospital and she said seeing him dressed in suit and laughing with a drink in hand, made her realize he was like any other man and he had seen her Vagina.

She was too embarrassed and had to leave.

So imagine your friend who was probably there while you courted your wife and who would be there long after your baby is born.

Would you let him inspect and insert his fingers in your wife's vagina?

This is just me thinking out loud but it would be a matter of life and death you know, so what would you do?

Stop Dreaming, Start Clapping!

It is the first day of July and the beginning of the second half of the year.

It is that time when you are expected to review your goals and see how far you have come but what you really need to do isn't to review your goals, what you need to do is to clap for yourself for having made it thus far.

You may have ticked off half of the plans you had for this year or may not even have started with the first, still you must clap for yourself.

This is because life is more than a 'to-do list', it is a collection of our experiences whether good or bad and demands to be lived and until you begin to appreciate the success of even just getting through each day, you may not appreciate the success of climbing mountains.

Do not wait for others to appreciate you before you appreciate yourself.

Until you learn to start clapping for yourself no one else will.

It's like the Igbo proverb says "when the Agama lizard fell off a palm tree he nodded to himself and said if no one praises him, he would praise himself". He acknowledged his effort, encouraged himself in adversity and saw beyond the present.

This is easier said than done because everyone needs motivation but I have learned that sometimes the only motivation you will get is the one you give yourself.

Sometimes you have to pause, pat your own back and continue in your work.

Sometimes you will be your only fan but you must stay consistent.

Consistency is harder when no one is clapping for you especially when no one else think your performance is worth clapping for but you have to remind yourself why you started and let that spur you on to continue in your work.

So starting today drop your list of goals, stop the dream and just clap for yourself even if the sound isn't loud and your hands hurt, keep clapping.

Clap first and then begin again to dream and stay consistent with your work.

Remember the saying, it is okay to be both a Masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.
Be your biggest fan cos if you aren't, who will?

Welcome to July!

The Best Thing You Can Do For Even Your Unborn Children

As I write this I have Cece Winans' song 'Waging War' playing.

This song brings back memories of the conversations I have had in the past days with colleagues and friends about the recent wave of bloodbath in our country, Nigeria.

We were greeted only about a week ago with news of the killings of over 200 people by suspected herds men in Plateau state and then on Thursday there was the fire incident that claimed lives and cars in Lagos - this is aside the news of victims of kidnappers, armed robbers and ritualists.

It just seems like a blood sucking demon is on rampage and having leaders like ours that seem not to care enough and would rather hold on to power than admit their incapability to be responsible to citizens has helped it's course, in no small measure. 

We wake up to headlines and see too many pictures of people dying that we have gradually become numb, the lives lost have become statistics and all we seem to do now is keep score of the tragedy each hoping that they do not become the next victim. But there are no guarantees.

Really, there are no guarantees.

So what can we do? Resign our fate?

You may say we should wait till the next election so we can vote in better leaders but guess what? The election is 7 months away and even with new leaders there are guarantees.

You may say then that leaving Nigeria is a better option but even in the United States of America where living conditions seem a lot better we have seen that there are no guarantees.
With the news of shootings in schools and offices, policies that make mockery of humanity, racial discrimination etal you can bet that there are no guarantees.

Recently there was the global threat of terrorism that led to countries tightening immigration laws. In the US children were separated from their mothers and kept in cages while here in Nigeria amidst news that ISIS had infiltrated our borders, the DSS reported that it had captured about 60 ISIS commanders once again reaffirming fears that no where is safe.

Days ago news of a Nigerian trader shot dead for no just cause in South Africa hit us bringing to our consciousness that even our brothers away from home are not safe.

In fact it has become hard to listen to or watch the news as there seems to always be a heart wrenching story being told.

News of murders, suicide, rape, bombings, paedophilia, domestic violence, kidnapping, genocide, xenophobia and fraud hit us daily leaving us with more questions than answers.

Sometimes I wonder how I will raise my children in a world like ours where evil lurks on the street corner, the Internet and even in laws promulgated by government globally and I have resolved that all I can do is pray. 

And that's what you should do too.

You must pray because your enemy isn't the man in government or the woman selling children for money, your enemy is the devil. His work is to steal, kill and destroy and he roams around seeking whom to devour. 

So pray you must and daily too.

Pray daily that God helps you hold it all together and that you wouldn't lose faith and optimism in spite of all that's happening.

Pray for your children even if you are yet to have them, pray for the friends they will have and the life they will live.

Pray for your spouse even if you haven't even met them, pray for the people in their lives, the work of their hands and the life you will have together.

Pray for your family, friends, the people in your life and even our leaders.

Life was not meant to be lived without God as such while it is good to talk about and work for what we want for our children, family, friends and even our nation, the most important thing we can do is pray - for them.

Can I Ask You A Favour?

I read his message "Gud evening 6ter" and quickly closed the chat head - the one that pops up on your phone when a message is sent via Facebook messenger.

He obviously meant to say "Good evening Sister", maybe as a friendly gesture but seeing 'sister' spelt as '6ter' almost made my head ache.

I couldn't help but ignore the message.

Like James Authur sang in one of my favourite songs "there are certain things that I adore and certain things that I ignore", for me there are also certain things that I can't stand and messages written with abbreviations especially when unnecessary is one of them.

I say unnecessary because some people simply spell words wrongly in the name of abbreviations/shorthand else how can you explain someone writing 'morning' as 'mawning' or 'friend' as 'fwend' or even 'you' as 'yu'?

I always think to myself 'this isn't even an abbreviation, it is wrong spelling'. I mean what would it take to just spell words correctly?

It's the same way I react when I see people chew food noisily or with their mouth open, it's worse when I have to eat with them on the same table - I lose my appetite and sometimes have to restrain myself from going on my knees in tears, begging them to stop. Does it happen to you?

Yesterday Ada my friend showed me an email sent by a client, he had written his message with abbreviations - it was a formal message and he even copied her bosses.

"Babe why would this man do this na. I'm embarrassed o, I wish I could edit this mail at least for the sake of the people in copy" she said.

"It's why I hate it when people type in shorthand because they get so used to it that they use it in formal messages" I responded.

This is true.

I have worked in Human Resources (HR) and have had to conduct tests/interviews for university students seeking Internship placement, from experience one thing that disqualifies most of them is wrong spelling. 

Some answer their questions with abbreviations and some others simply cannot spell.

You may say that English isn't our language but it is our Lingua Franca and as such has to be used correctly, this is why it is taught in schools.

Its different when you are writing in Pidgin but even that has to be done well.

Some people abbreviate so much that sometimes you develop a headache trying to decipher what they have written.

It is unfair.

I think its best to use abbreviations for informal messages and with your friends, not people who do not know you.

Oh! I just saw another Facebook message "Xup pretty"...hmm.

These are like bullets to me and now I have to run for cover but erm...

'please do me a favour, if you must use abbreviations, do it with informal messages or when chatting with your friends, not in formal messages, examinations or with people who do not know you.'

I hope I have not asked for too much.

Nigeria Vs Argentina Match - My Experience

"God of Nigeria break Messi leg o, show yourself."

It was my hair stylist exclaiming as she applied polish on my nails. I was at the Salon and was getting my nails done having had my hair fixed when the match between Nigeria and Argentina kicked off.

Before I could respond to her prayer a lady whose weave was being sewn on retorted, "Which Messi? His career is gone, if you are talking about Ronaldo I'll understand but Messi is not a threat. Na before he sabi play nor be now."

I had turned to look at her as she spoke and as soon as she landed a young girl who was waiting to have her lashes done spoke up again, "Messi is old and this is even his last world cup as he will retire in 2020."

Before she finished her statement, my Stylist cried out again "God of Nigeria show yourself o, break Messi leg for us make e nor see leg take play this ball"

As she spoke I realized that the one thing more interesting than watching football, is watching fans as they watch football as almost everyone becomes an expert cum Coach analyzing the moves of players and predicting when to pass or attack or hold on to the ball.

It's funny how everyone except the actual players seem to know just what to do to win the match.

As the game went on, almost everyone had something to say.

One of the ladies reminded the Stylist that Argentina had good players aside Messi but she ignored her and kept on with her prayers for Messi to suffer a fracture.

Someone thought the blood of citizens being killed in Nigeria may cry out against our team and another thought the President should have called the players before the match to encourage them and yet another thought the World Cup has distracted Nigerians from the challenges on ground.

One of the ladies thought her blood pressure had skyrocketed and had to rush out of the salon because in her words "I nor fit die for match when dem go still dash Mikel and him boys millions".

The group who simply prayed for footballer husbands were there admiring and prophesying.

As the match ended a lady who barely said a word during the game shook her head and hissed "na dat our Presido hand when dem go shake naim cause dis tin so, how dem go win?...msheeew".

I almost saumasaulted, 'how does a handshake affect a team's preparedness and performance?'

I wouldn't say I enjoyed the game but I had a great time as I was so engrossed with watching and listening to fans as they watched and analyzed the game that I forgot it had gotten late.

I laughed out so loud at intervals and even though the Super Eagles lost to Argentina, I think that for a girl whose goal is to just be happy, it was a fulfilling evening and an enjoyable experience for me.

I hope it was for you too.

Xoxo!😜

Today I Met My Husband And Inlaw

"Fine girl come now, I get wetin you dey find."

It was a vendor calling out to me as he pointed to dresses lined up in front of his shop.
I had gone to the market to get fruits and the taxi I alighted had pulled over in front of his shop.

As I walked through he continued his 'fine girl' call and made to hold my hand but I snatched my hands away - let me state here that being called 'fine' by a seller in the market doesn't necessarily mean you are good looking, it's your seeming capability to patronize them that qualifies you as fine - in their eyes.

I walked on as another man called out "my colour come o, na you I dey wait for since", I turned to see that it was a man with knuckles dark from cheap bleaching creams holding up a pair of denim pants.

I made to protest that I looked nothing like him but quickly reminded myself that every girl who walks past him today would be his colour - in his eyes - so I simply walked on.

I got to the spot where the fruit sellers were seated but as I examined the fruits the familiar voice of the man advertising his drugs came on, the van that served as a mobile pharmacy had just pulled up close to the fruit sellers and the speakers placed on it blared loudly.

The recorded voice quickly drowned out every other as he reeled out the duties of the wonder working drugs - those ones that promise to cure every ailment under the sun and leaves you wondering why scientists say they are yet to find the cure for Cancer and HIV.

"No more break and quench Oga as this our ogbonge medicine go make you stand kakaraka for 5 hours, sotay na your madam go dey beg".

He was advertising a libido boosting drug and sounded so sure of his promise that all I could think of was the poor woman whose partner would believe this and try it out on her.

Who would she run to when he stands kakaraka for 5 hours? Odiegwu!

I had to move a little further so the medicine seller's voice wouldn't drown out mine as I bargained for the fruits.

That's when I met him or rather heard his voice. 

"My wife, you nor know me again?" He asked and as I turned to look at him he smiled and continued, "why you dey form na abi I nor reach to marry you?"

The self appointed husband is a vendor holding up a pair of male shoes and as he spoke he beckoned onto me with his hands, "come na, you too fine and I go take care of you".

I simply shook my head and made to walk on when his neighbour spoke up "inlaw, why you dey do like this na".

In less than 5 minutes I had met my 'husband' and 'inlaw' - I am just not sure if he is a brother or father inlaw. 

I walked on and proceeded to buy my fruits.

As I walked past on my way out they called out to me again and I laughed as I observed them but just as I made to walk on, I heard 'the husband' call out to another lady "ehen see my real wife don show" and as he spoke I wondered how many women he married verbally daily.

He looked at me, smiled and said "no jealous am o, na you first do shakara", I smiled too and walked on as I reckoned that it's what a good wife would do, look the other way for the sake of peace.

Are Men Really Polygamous By Nature?

Dear man,

If you had a billion dollars, how many women would you marry? Would religion matter?

I am asking this question because of a conversation I have had one time too many with friends, colleagues and acquaintances about men and polygamy - the practice of one man marrying more than one wife. 

They always say men if given the chance would marry more than one woman because it's in a man's nature to want more.

A lady even once told me it would be best for her husband to just marry any other woman he fancies instead of sneaking out to see her.

Now the practice of polygamy was a norm in pre-colonial Africa backed by tradition and strengthened by the belief that men are polygamous by nature.

In fact most cultures in Nigeria measured a man's strength by the number of women he could control and his wealth by the number of children he had. 

However with the advent of Christianity many practices considered sinful were stopped or discouraged and polygamy was gradually replaced with monogamy - the practice of one man marrying one wife.

Religion aside, many young men today embrace monogamy - in marriage - because of modernization, the harsh economic realities as well as the fact that it is believed to guarantee peace of mind.

This doesn't mean that polygamy has been phased out as some people are still challenging the neo-status quo and are against the odds, holding on to and seemingly thriving in polygamy.

Okay maybe not polygamy in the real sense of it but most men still keep more than one woman especially where money isn't a problem.

Their actions are backed by the single argument that men will always want more. They even say things like 'you can't keeping eating only one type of soup forever.

I am not writing to judge anyone but to ask if it is true that men are polygamous by nature.

Are men created with an inability to be faithful?

Are they wired to cheat no matter what?

I have heard ladies say things like "a man will cheat no matter what so I'll prepare myself" and each time I hear it my head spins.

Isn't that a lie concocted by society to repress women and by misogynist for the purpose of self gratification?

Are we not making men believe they are helpless and incapable of loyalty?

If men are wired to cheat what about women because the reality today is that women cheat as much as men do regardless of culture and religious beliefs.

In fact I recently read about couples who decide to have 'open' marriages, giving each other license to cheat. This means that they can both have sexual partners even while they are married.

This shows that anybody can be anything if they decide to be and this isn't even dependent on religion or culture.

It is a matter of personal principles, loyalty and self control. 

So I'll ask again, if you had a billion dollars, how many women would you marry?

Would religion matter?

Do you agree with the school of thought that men are by nature polygamous?

What is the place of religion and the place of culture?

What about morality?

Do you think a couple in spite of cultural norms and religious beliefs can decide how their marriage should be or is this a recipe for disaster?

The Most Important Relationship You Need

If you are conversant with social media particularly Instagram, you would be familiar with these hash tags #mcm - Man Crush Monday and #wcw - Woman Crush Wednesday.

I do not know the origin of these hash tags but I know that they serve the purpose of celebrating Men and Women people admire - Men are celebrated on Mondays while Women are celebrated on Wednesdays.
Now there's no rule that says we should wait till these days but I guess since M goes for both Man and Mondays and W goes for both Woman and Wednesdays it kinda rhymes - 'remember this is 2018 and if it ain't cool then it's oldschool.'

I honestly just formulated that! Who says I can't try a career in rap?

Now back to my gist, I have noticed recently that most people no longer celebrate others instead they celebrate themselves as #wcw and #mcm.

So I post a picture of Me and tag it #wcw with a quote about how I am the most hardworking and inspiring woman I know and how I deserve some accolades - you get the drift?

When I see posts like that a part of me usually wonders why anyone would crush on themselves - is that even possible? And another part urges me to not be so critical and just let people appreciate themselves.

The goal is supposed to be self love but in reality how many really love themselves?

When you filter and edit your pictures till it has no semblance with reality, do you love you? Is your confidence based on the number of editing apps you have? Do you seek validation from 'followers' who know nothing about your reality? Do you measure your worth by the number of 'likes' on pictures?

In fact do you know yourself?

Who are you? What does happiness mean to you? What are the things that make you smile? What are the things you would sacrifice for? What values would you hold onto no matter what? Who are the people you admire and why? What does friendship and love mean to you?

I ask because I have learned that the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself but you have to know you to have a healthy relationship with you.

This isn't me advocating selfishness or narcissism (we have too much of that today), I just think most people today are concerned more with performing for the world when deep inside 'they are crying for help'.

I may be wrong but I met a young lady once and in the course of our conversation she revealed that she did most things because people thought they were cool. She hung out with her friends because they were cool even if she can't be herself with them, she had even spent her school fees while trying to fit in, she needed help getting the money but she couldn't even open up to her 'friends' or parents and was willing to do 'anything' to get the money.
She confessed that she had lost touch with herself and in her words "I don't even know what I like anymore, I just go with the flow - it's not easy o but people like it so..." she shrugged.

I shrugged too as she spoke cos I knew life's experiences and not my words would teach her the truth with time.

She had gotten lost in the crowd while seeking validation from the crowd and like her, most of us have neglected the most important relationship we should have - a relationship with ourselves and now we are 'just going with the flow'.

Knowledge and acceptance of ourselves will help us know where to draw the line with others, take criticisms with an open mind and not feel the need to impress at the expense of our peace.

You can't pour from an empty cup so you should fill yourself first with love and healthy thoughts before you can do same for others and this starts with knowing yourself and commiting to improving yourself.

Besides it is easier to fill a space in your heart where someone else used to be than to fill a space where YOU used to be and if you stay true to you, people who will love you, will love you as you and not the idea they have of you.

So starting today have a date with yourself (it can be in your room), write down the things you love about you, the things you should change, the people who should stay and those who should go, the things you want and how you can achieve them, the mistakes you have made and how you can correct them.

Laugh about the silly things you have done then inhale deeply and as you exhale say good morning to yourself and mean it.

Using Your Greatest Weapon

Life is spiritual.

You have probably heard that before and whether you believe it or not, it is true.

There is the natural which we relate to with our senses and there is the supernatural which controls the natural.

I have listened to quite a number of speakers teach on the power of thoughts and taking action for the change we seek but only a few emphasize the power of prayer which to me is the greatest power we can wield.

This is not just because I am Christian but because I am human being that has been in situations I could never have thought or worked myself out of, only a Supreme could have helped and when I prayed, I got help.

The thing I have learnt about prayer is that everyone prays.
When you present a case before a Judge in court, it's called a Prayer.
When you delegate a responsibility to someone or even request a favor, you are praying to them.
Even when you make a wish, you are praying although not to God it is prayer being said and hope being expressed that what you desire would come to pass.

Prayer is the hope we have that life as it is can be better and when that hope is in a God who is almighty, you can be sure of a change.

The thing I have learned about praying to God and why it touches his heart - when said in faith, is that it is an acknowledgement of our human frailty, mortality and fallibility.

When we pray, we cast down our crowns, lay our trophies, rid ourselves of our intellectual mentality, swallow our pride and challenge everything we hold as true to go before a God we cannot see but believe exists to ask for help.

In prayer our humanity connects with divinity to bring about a different reality.

Talking about the power of trust in God, do you know the motto of the most powerful nation in the world, America?

'In God We Trust' - that is it.

The men who not only discovered but fought for the land we call 'the land of the free', the founding fathers who worked for the vision that is the reality we see today understood the importance of 'Trust In God'.

That phrase signifies the belief that built America and whether the societal reality today is an aberration of that phrase, is a different matter altogether.

Prayer is powerful, so powerful that a statement attributed to Queen Mary of Scots says "I fear the prayer of John Knox more than the armies of England" - can you beat that?

Oftentimes we talk about what we want to see which is great and beyond talking we make plans and set goals to ensure that what we want becomes reality which is also great but human ability is limited.

This is why prayer is important because with it, you hand your thoughts and plans to a God that cares and is powerful enough to grant your heart's desires.

So as you dream about the life you want and set goals to achieve it, remember to use the greatest weapon available to you, the power of prayer. It works!

How Far Would You Go To Save The Life Of The One You Love?

How far would you go to save the life of one you love?

Would you donate blood or an organ to save your child, partner, sibling or friend? If a loved one is at the point of death would you let your belief stop you from saving their life?

Let me tell you why I'm asking these questions.

The world blood donor day is June 14 and to mark the day we had a Haematologist discuss 'Voluntary Blood Donation' on the the Morning show - remember I am Co-Anchor of the Morning Show on Wazobia Max TV?

Today on the show we discussed the concluding part of the topic and I have learned certain things about blood donation viz:
1. Pregnant women, people under 18 years and those with chronic health conditions like Cancer, Diabetes, Hypertension etal should not give blood.
2. The average human has about 10 pints of blood and shouldn't donate more than 1 pint at a time, a later donation can be done after 3 months.
3. Men have a higher blood level than women - we involuntarily pass blood monthly via menstruation so go figure.

While we were fielding questions from viewers, a caller stated that her religion forbids blood transfusion as such we ought to educate people on ways to boost their blood so they wouldn't need transfusion instead of encouraging donation.

The doctor noted that she was sure the caller is a member of the Jehovah's Witness religious sect and stated that religious views are respected as such people who as a result of their beliefs refuse blood transfusion are not forced even in life threatening situations.
She added though that sometimes no matter what one eats in a bid to 'boost' their blood, they may have emergencies that would demand blood transfusion citing cases of people who lose blood in accidents and women who lose blood as a result of complications during delivery.

After the show I spoke to a colleague who is a member of the Jehovah's Witness sect seeking explanation for the law against blood transfusion and he explained that the law was put because blood is considered sacred.

After his explanation I asked if he would let his wife or child die if they need blood transfusion to stay alive.

"It's a matter of faith not my personal decision so I'd rather let them die than go against what I believe" he responded.

He cited the case of an ex who died after infected blood was transfused in her body. He had advised against transfusion but she had secretly asked that a transfusion be done as she didn't want to die. Unfortunately for her a blood that had not been properly screened was transfused to her and she got infected with AIDS.

She died 3 months later.

This experience strengthened his resolve to never allow blood transfusion for himself or family member.

I understand that certain experiences influence our opinions on issues but is it okay to let one experience form our opinion especially where life is involved?

This isn't to disrespect any faith but should we place religious beliefs over human life and vice versa?

Where do we draw the line between religion and humanity?

You Don't Say 'I Love You' Enough

"They write songs about it 

They put it in movies
How life would be better with just enough love There's not enough caring,
there's not enough sharin'
Too much me, me, me and too much double-darin' There's too much delayin',
We don't tend a garden,
we just plant the seeds
Promises broken,
Cause there's not enough love in our hearts"

These are lyrics from the song 'Not Enough Love' a soundtrack from the movie 'Joyful Noise'.

Days ago I was browsing an entertainment blog - forum may be a more apt word - and I saw 2 different stories that struck me not because of their content but because of the comments from visitors. 

One was about a wedding ceremony where the bride had no make up on and the other was about a young lawyer that died just a few months after her wedding.

The first story was greeted with insults, the Groom was called 'Ugly with an ape shaped head' and his bride was called an 'Ugly and ordinary' girl who thinks she's too good for makeup, some even predicted that their children would be uglier than both parents while the second story which also had pictures from the late lawyers wedding day had really loving comments wishing her soul eternal rest, comments about how beautiful she was and what tragic loss her demise meant for her family and the nation.

To be honest I laughed at some of the comments about the no-makeup-wearing-bride and her husband but I chided myself as I recalled how it's been said severally that humans especially Nigerians do not show love for people until they are dead.

It is the reason why a man who barely ate 3 square meals while he was alive would be given a hero's return home with his body 'transported' in a limousine shaped casket to the 'great beyond' while the woman who lived a lonely life would have the whole community crying their hearts out only to end up quarreling over who should be in charge of 'meat and drinks' at her burial.

As I compared the comments on both posts I was forced to agree that we respect, show love to and honour people more when they die than when they are alive.

This isn't helped by the fact that we seem to have a culture that equates repression and suppression of emotions with strength - especially if you are a man.
The sign of your 'manhood' seem to be measured by how insensitive and emotionally distant you act.

So when you love your wife and would give anything to prove it, you are encouraged to not show it else 'it enters her head' - whose head should enter and on whose heart should it be imprinted?
The in-laws that sat down to count even the pieces of chewing sticks on the bride price 'list' while threatening to hold back their daughter until the 'list' is complete or your brother that probably wouldn't spare a grain of rice for your son if you are no more?

And when you are wrong you have to remember you are the head of the house and 'stand your ground' instead of apologizing- shior!

Remember also you are told not to cry when hurt because it is a sign of weakness and men should never be seen as weak?

So you decide to 'be a man' and hold back no matter how hurt or depressed you are - you forget that even 'Jesus wept - John 11:35' instead you choose to 'be a man' and seek the comfort of a bottle of beer, glass of whiskey or cigar instead of another human.

Women are told to not show they love a man too much else he would 'see her as cheap' - there more ways to prove your worth and value darling and withholding love isn't one of them (so I have learned).

We repress our emotions and hold back when what we really should tell those we love is that 'we love them' - heck don't even tell, show them.

Show them by your actions, hold them a little longer when you hug - if you dare to, listen when they talk even if you are thinking 'did you really do this?', laugh at their 'dry' jokes, say thank you for the littlest deeds, let them know you miss them when they are away, kiss them impulsively instead of trying to show how much you 'don't need them', buy them a gift to show appreciation just for their presence in your life - they shouldn't lift a rock first before you do, be there for them like you promised and don't betray their trust - love them with your words but most importantly by your actions.

Don't wait till they die to write about how beautiful and great they 'were' and then invite all of Africa to witness the 'exit of an icon' who gets to move in a convoy for the first time as a dead body.

We (you and I) should say I love you more and do love more while we have the time.

Dear Daddy, Please Don't Forget

In celebration of Father's day, I thought to share a profound letter written in Dale Carnegie’s book ‘How To Win Friends And Influence People’.

It is to me a reminder to Fathers the need for patience in the quest to not fail in their duties to their children.

Father Forgets by W. Livingston Larned;

Listen son; I am saying this as you lie asleep, on little paw crumpled under your cheek and the blond curls stickily wet on your damp forehead.  I have stolen to your room alone.  Just a few minutes ago, as I sat reading my paper in the library, a stifling wave of remorse swept over me.  Guiltily I came to your bedside.

There are things I was thinking, son: I had been cross to you.  I scolded you as you were dressing for school because you gave your face a mere dab with a towel.  I took you to task for not cleaning your shoes.  I called you out angrily when you threw some of your things on the floor.

At breakfast I found fault, too.  You spilled things. You gulped down your food.  You put your elbows on the table. You spread butter too thick on your bread.  And as you started off to play and I made for my train, you turned and waved a hand and called, “Goodbye, Daddy!” and I frowned, and said in reply, “Hold your shoulders back!”

Then it began all over again in the late afternoon.  As I came up the road I spied you, down on your knees, playing marbles.  There were holes in your stockings.  I humiliated you before your boyfriends by marching you ahead of me to the house.  Stockings were expensive-and if you had to buy them you would be more careful!  Imagine that, son, from a father!

Do you remember, later, when I was reading in the library, how you can in timidly, with a sort of hurt look in your eyes?  When I glanced up over my paper, impatient at your interruption, you hesitated at the door.  “What is it you want?” I snapped.

You said nothing, but ran across in one tempestuous plunge, and threw your arms around my neck and kissed me, and your small arms tightened with an affection that God had set blooming in your heart and which even neglect could not wither.  And then you were gone, pattering up the stairs.

Well, son, it was shortly afterwards that my paper slipped form my hands and a terrible sickening fear came over me.  What has habit been doing to me?  The habit of finding fault, of reprimanding- this was my reward to you for being a boy.  It was not that I did not love you; it was that I expected too much of youth. I was measuring you by the yardstick of my own years.

And there was so much that was good and fine and true in your character.  The little heart of you was as big as the dawn itself over the wide hills.  This was shown by your spontaneous impulse to rush in and kiss me good night.  Nothing else matters tonight, son. I have come to your bedside in the darkness, and I have knelt there, ashamed!

It is a feeble atonement; I know you would not understand these things if I told them to you during your waking hours.  But tomorrow I will be a real daddy!  I will chum with you, and suffer when you suffer, and laugh when you laugh.  I will bite my tongue when impatient words come out.  I will keep saying as if it were a ritual: “He is nothing but a boy-a little boy!”

I am afraid I have visualized you as a man.  Yet as I see you now, son, crumpled and weary in your cot, I see that you are still a baby.  Yesterday you were in your mother’s arms, your head on her shoulder.  I have asked too much, too much.

Happy Father's Day

It is another Father’s day and a reminder of the special role Fathers play in our lives. 

Like Pastor David Ibiyeomie says “Fathers give us the feathers and wings with which we fly, without a Father you cannot fly”.

I think we do not celebrate fathers enough but the truth is that no matter how efficient a mother is, children need the influence of fathers, a male parent who would love, provide for, correct and protect them physically, emotionally and spiritually.

On this very special day I say Happy Father’s Day to every father for your time, sacrifice, words of encouragement and love.

XoXo.

Sperm, The Ultimate Beauty Product?

As I write this I have facial mask on.

I am supposed to use it 3 times a week but between living and trying to meet up with my daily activities, anytime I remember is just fine - by me.

As I applied the facial mask I smile as I recall the magic cure to pimples a friend once told me about - honestly I remember it anytime I have to scrub, exfoliate, steam or cleanse my face.

Maybe if I had tried it I would have said bye bye to acne who knows I might have started a business teaching people how to wave acne or pimples good bye and would have made my mark in the beauty world, a girl can dream right?

I imagine me granting interviews about how I discovered the secret to a clear skin and then holding up a bottle of my precious formula as camera men take photos of me...snap back Okiemute.

It was in 2014, I was in the kitchen when she walked in.
We hugged and screamed even though it had been only 3 days since we last saw each other.

As I examined her I noticed she had a different glow to her, her face too was smoother than usual.

'Lee you are glowing' I said. Your pimples seem to have vanished, they are gone, what did you use?' 

She smiled mischievously, looked around to be sure no one could hear us and said "Sperm".

'Sperm? You mean sex?' I asked obviously lost.

 "No, Sperm. I read that it's a great cure for pimples so I have been applying So's Sperm on my face and I guess the difference is clear" she was smiling as she spoke.

So is the petname for her fiance who is now her husband.

I was taken aback, I mean I have read and even tried different things on my face - Lime, lemon, tomatoes, sugar, salt, bananas, pawpaw, toothpaste, someone even once suggested mud but Sperm?

I had never heard of that.

'Wow' I said trying to mask my irritation mixed with disbelief 'how do you'...before I could say more So walked into the kitchen asking what it was I was cooking that smelled nice.

As he spoke I glanced at his groin not sure of what to say about the magical cure to pimples between his legs and tried to smile as we hugged and exchanged pleasantries.

As I continued with my cooking, I thought about the extent we go in our search for perfection. 'Sperm ke'.

It's been 4 years since that day, I am yet to read up the truth about Lee's experiment and of course haven't mustered the courage to apply Sperm on my face.

How would I even ask for that? Who would I ask? I mean what else would define gross, grotty or sloven?

But would Sperm really have wiped all my acne cares away? Or better still made me a rich CEO of my own beauty empire? Who knows what they mix in these chemicals we buy anyway?

You know what they say, na wetin you look troway face naim your mate take pass you.

What do you think?

Of Liberal Parents, Freedom And License To Have Sex

"So you mean at your age you can't tell your Mum you are travelling?" It was my colleague asking.

'To see a man I met online and have never met in real life? A man we both know nothing about?' I scoffed and imagined my Mum's face.

She would probably have slapped my colleague for daring to suggest that.

'My dear forget age o I cannot, I won't even dare - I had to stress D.A.R.E - tell my Mum I am travelling to see a man I met online'. I added.

This conversation started after he told me of plans he had to feature me in a short film he was working on adding that he would be shooting his first the next day but would need me on the next one.

I responded that I'd be delighted but would need to know the storyline and the role I'd be playing.

He said plans were underway and proceeded to tell me about the one he would shoot first.

 It is about a young girl who goes to visit a guy she met online. She goes without telling her family and friends, while she is there she has an Asthma attack but because the guy isn't aware that she is asthmatic, he doesn't know what to do and she dies.

'Ha! Sounds nice, so is it a story to educate people about Asthma?' I asked.

He responded that the aim was to let people know the importance of informing family and friends about their movement. "If the girl had told her family they would have known where she was." He said.

"But even if they knew, how would they have helped with the attack seeing as she was alone with the guy?' I responded.

'Maybe if they had talked about health challenges the guy would have known but saying she should have told her family that she was going to see a man she met online? Ha, that won't work o. At least I know I can't tell my Mother that. If it is someone I know fine' I added.

I suggested that a story to educate people about Asthma and stigmatization would be better and Ijeoma said she thought so too.

That was how the argument started.

Most thought that at 25 people should be free to go where they please so long as family is informed.

"So what if you have to travel for work?" Another asked.

'That's different.' I responded. 'I am not living with my parents now am I? They are in another state but I'm here for work. I just can't tell them I'm travelling to see a man I have never met.' I said again.

Parents ought to be liberal they said and I thought isn't that like a license to go wherever and have sex with whomever so long as they are in the know?

At this point I imagined me telling my Mum of plans to go see a man I met online.

Ha! My Mum that defied security and jumped a school fence to pick my brother and I when she was not allowed in?

It was during the tribal war in Warri and she had explained to the security officers that there would be a curfew from 10am as announced on radio, they refused saying we were safe. She jumped the fence and ran straight to our classroom screaming our names as she ran. By the time she got us to the gate, there were cars all over as other parents had come to pick up their children.

My mum that called my siblings for a meeting to beg me to leave my Church because they close midweek service late?

A woman who packed her bags ready to go to Sokoto because she couldn't reach my elder sister who was serving as a Corps member at the time on the phone? I had to plead with her and thankfully we were able to reach my Sister that morning.

When I go out for late events she would call till I am home even if it's at midnight.

So imagine me telling her that I would be travelling to see a man I met online, she would probably react like I had written a suicide note - no jokes.

I recall when I had to travel to Akwa Ibom for work in April. She called to pray for me 3 times before we embarked on the trip. She called while I was on the way, when I arrived, before I slept and before I set out the next day.

While I was out we spoke and I assured her that I would let her know when I was done as I would be busy - I was the video director for the event.

My phone battery was drained before I got home and because I was tired, I connected the phone to charge and slept off. Mummy tried to call but my phone was switched off.

The next day as I turned my phone on, I saw messages from my siblings and before I could read them my younger sister's call came in - "please call Mummy now Okiemute, what happened?" 

Apparently because she wasn't home having gone for her final clearance at school, my Mum had called her at 2am to say she couldn't reach me. She also called my elder sister who lives in another town and even got angry when my Sister reminded her that I am no longer a child.
My brother who was on call at the hospital wasn't spared, he had to deal with his patients and my Mum throughout the night.

In summary, no member of my family slept that night.

My Mum had packed her bags ready to come look for me in Akwa Ibom even though she didn't know where I was staying.

When I called her she was panting, said "Oh my God" like 7 times and proceeded to sing praises to God for saving me.

Saving me from what? A drained battery?

I promised there and then to borrow any phone available to reach out if same happened in future. 

So imagine me telling her that I am travelling to see a man I met online. She would freak out and if I insist  she would probably ask for his number, his family's history, address and would be at my destination before me.

Liberal Mums?

They may exist but not in my mother's dictionary. 

As my colleagues continued the conversation, I got up and walked out.

You And I? We Are At Risk

It's a beautiful Saturday morning.

It is raining heavily, I am tucked in bed - oh wait, let me snuggle a little more, yes done - and I'm thinking how perfect it is, for me.

A voice in my head is reminding me though that it may not be so perfect for someone else right now.

Someone who has an event to attend, a ceremony to host, an early morning flight to catch or any other plan that would require being in the outdoors is probably having a fit and would begrudge me if they here me say it's perfect.

So I think to myself, if they knew it would rain so heavily this morning would they have risked making plans?

Life is indeed a risk and much of what we do as humans is a matter of faith.

We make plans without guarantees that they will succeed yet we go on in faith.

When you dress up in the morning in pursuit of your daily bread - whether work, business, school it's all a hustle for survival - there are no guarantees that the day will go as planned still you go on, in faith.

You take up a job and promise to give it your best to turn the company's fortune around because you have a great plan, hope for a cooperative team and what more? Thomas Edison wouldn't have tried 1000 times to event the light bulb if he had you on his team - but there are no guarantees with that either.

We get married and commit to another for the rest of our lives, trusting that they would always be there but there are no guarantees with that either. They could change anytime and become total strangers - isn't that why people pledge for better or worse? Yet we go ahead, in faith.

When you drop your child off at school and kiss them goodbye there are no guarantees that they would be really safe, yet we go on and leave them behind in faith. You see then why I say life is a matter of faith?

We set goals in hopes that we will get expected results and even when we have no evidence of the expected results, we still take our chances.

Whether you choose to become a Soldier risking it all on the battlefield or a homemaker caring for your family in the comfort of your home, it is still a risk.

All life is a risk, from the day you are born till the day you die you are at risk. You and I are at risk.

But the biggest risk of all is not taking action because you fear what the consequences might be. 

Choosing to play safe because you are not sure you will succeed is wasting this opportunity called life. 

Not going after or asking for what you want is a risk.
You risk waking up someday and looking back with regrets at the chances you didn't take cos you may end up thinking of what might have been - coulda, woulda, shoulda, but you did nothing.

So as I have said, all life is a risk and it's up to you to choose what's worth risking it for and - oh wait, I had planned to have Akara with custard for breakfast and I'll need to go out to get the Akara but it's still raining.

Isn't it supposed to be a perfect morning?

Can the rain stop already?

Hmmm, lemme see what risk I have to take...brace the rain, make another plan or skip breakfast (forget I said that)...err...I'll be back...