What I Don't Want When I Get Married

After a long drive through town back home I decided to check my phone which I had muted and dumped in my bag.

I was T.I.R.E.D and my body was begging for a massage.
I couldn't wait to fling my heels and I wished I had a wig on instead of braids, I would have flung it too.

Now I like long drives - a lot - but on days like this when Port Harcourt traffic is at its peak, long drives become a chore - by the way I was not driving. I had gone in the company of Ada my friend and a driver had taken us.
I was finally glad to be home and checked to see the calls I had missed.

I saw my Cousin's call alongside others and put off returning her call because getting her on the phone is as easy as getting honey from a bee's hive. I returned other calls but before I dropped the phone, I decided to call her not expecting her to pick up but surprisingly she answered.

"Sister sister"! she exclaimed.

Busy woman, I responded asking what I had done to deserve her call as she was yet to return the calls I made weeks ago. She noted that she had not seen the call and then we went on with talk about work, meetings, friends and all the things that get in the way of us finding time for the most important things - us and our relationship.

We decided for the umpteenth time to call each other more and then she asked about a friend that recently had a baby. When I answered that the baby was growing really fast, she popped the question - the one I have come so used to hearing that I answer without even thinking.

"When is your own coming na"? She asked.

I chuckled.

I do this every time I'm asked especially when it's accompanied with the supporting argument of how a 'fine girl' like me shouldn't be single.

'Soon, very soon'. I said

"Hmm, finally! She exclaimed "My sister is bending o, who is he? When is the date"? She reeled out.

'Date ke, I said soon. Let's leave it at that'. I retorted. 

Then she added, I'm asking because I don't want our dates to clash o.

There, she dropped it. My cousin is getting married, what a way to announce it.

'Clash? Oh my God, you are getting married'! I screamed in excitement asking when the date would be and if it was the guy we all knew. She responded in the affirmative and there and then I pledged my support.

'Just let me know when you need me, I will give maximum support' I said gleefully not knowing I was setting myself up.

"Support"? She asked, "you are not supporting o, you are the main organizer and now I need to start picking colours for Aso Ebi".

I laughed. Organize what?

I imagined me going through different shops at the market looking for the perfect fabric and then reaching out to friends to buy and then having to deal with those who would promise to pay later but never will which usually results in some people drawing debts 2 years after their wedding. Mba, not me.
I quickly responded, 'Aso Ebi? Me? Hmm, my dear even when I get married there will be no Aso Ebi o because I'm not ready to be stressed so I'm not the girl to help with your Aso Ebi, at all at all'.

She laughed and continued as though she didn't hear what I had said.
"You will have to take a leave when it's close o cos I need you to be hands on. I want someone that is strong and that I can trust and that person is you".

As she said the word 'strong' I imagined me lifting weights and developing muscles just to fit into the role of Aso Ebi prefect and responded again.

'Didn't you hear me? I'll not even have people wearing Aso Ebi when I get married, I may choose colours to be worn but I am not buying fabric to be sold to people only to end up begging some to pay. I no dey do'.

"So you will get married like that"? She asked.

'Yeah. Do I need Aso Ebi to have a beautiful wedding? It will go well'. I responded.

"I didn't say it will not go well, it just wouldn't be so colourful". She said.

Since when did colour become a prerequisite for a great marriage?

I sighed and responded, 'Wetin concern me with colour? My wedding will be as colourful as I want it to be, my marriage will be great too and there will be no Aso Ebi'.

"Hmm, that's your own o, just get ready for me cos when you get married I'll personally take charge of your Aso Ebi, whether you want it or not".

There and then my Cousin had imposed the duty of Aso Ebi prefect on me and assigned herself prefect for mine.

I imagine my groom arms folded watching his wife being arm twisted into doing what she didn't want and I decided not to respond again.
We went on to talk about a business we were to work on, laughed and ended the call.

Just as I dropped the call, Ada who was standing with me took up the 'Aso Ebi' issue.

"Babe, do you know you are in charge of my own Aso Ebi too? I plan to hand everything to you o cos I don't want stress". She said.

I almost saumasaulted and I exclaimed again that I wanted nothing to do with Aso Ebi issues.

Is this a gang up or what?

I tried to explain and looked around for anyone who would understand my point but there was no one. There were just the two of us.

And so it was that in less than 20 minutes I got the job of wedding organizer and Grand Commander of Aso Ebi Affairs.

I am still grumbling in my head.

I will still make them see reasons why I want nothing to do with Aso Ebi and assure them that they wouldn't have to bother about returning the favour when I get married because amongst other things, Aso Ebi (the whole drama of persuading people to wear a single uniform) is one thing I wouldn't have when I get married.