F.L.Y: First Love Yourself

‘For all the times that you made me feel small
I fell in love now I fear nothin' at all
I never felt so low when I was vulnerable
Was I a fool to let you break down my walls?’

These are lyrics from Justin Bieber’s song ‘Love Yourself’ and while I wouldn’t call myself a Justin Bieber fan these words struck a chord in my heart.

I once had a friend confide in me about a man she dated. He seemed too good to be true at least in her opinion at the time. She thought he was dependable and couldn’t imagine life without him. How would she cope without this man that had come to be her pillar of support and to whom she ran when she had any challenge?

She never made any decision without consulting him as she couldn’t trust herself to do right. He basically came into her life to change her.

He thought she didn’t dress well enough, thought she didn’t know enough of Mathematics and thought she shouldn’t keep people of certain ilk as friends.

To be fair to him he got her to read a lot but at the time she wasn’t reading to be better for herself but to be good enough for him.

When they met new people, he would never introduce her to them without mentioning where she worked – like she had no identity and value without her job.

She became so dependent on him because he had succeeded in eroding her sense of self-worth. She tolerated his excesses and even when he acted in ways that would make any sane woman walk away she found herself going back to him.

We thought it was love at the time even though we couldn’t fathom how love could make someone so weak.

Until she opened up to me. She had broken the relationship and told me that she realized that she had been verbally and emotionally abused.

She cried while we spoke and I found myself crying too because I too have experienced emotional abuse albeit subtly.

She dreaded the journey it would take for her to heal and regain her sense of self and confidence.

In case you are wondering how one would subject oneself to that, note that it wasn’t that way at first. The snide remarks and derogatory words started as him giving his ‘honest’ opinion and graduated into him trying to help her think and act better before it blew into full abuse – emotional.

Too many people stay in such relationships where their self-esteem and sense of self-worth has been eroded.

If you find yourself constantly trying to gain the approval of your partner, losing friends and family members because your partner thinks they are not good enough or not being able to make major decisions about your life without their opinion, then maybe you are being abused emotionally.

If you find yourself leaving the people and activities that were part of your life before you started the relationship and have loved ones telling you that you have metamorphosed into a different person, if you feel so vulnerable when you are with your partner, then maybe you are being abused emotionally.

And if you have ever wondered what love looks like, read what the book of 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 says about love.

‘Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].

Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]’.

And verse 13 of that chapter says ‘And now there remain: faith [abiding trust in God and His promises], hope [confident expectation of eternal salvation], love [unselfish love for others growing out of God’s love for me], these three [the choicest graces]; but the greatest of these is love’.

You see then that love is valued even above Faith which is the key to pleasing God.

Take time to study and understand yourself then love yourself before attempting to love someone else because then you would never let another mortal fool you into thinking you are not enough. You are enough and even if you were the only one on earth, Christ would still have died.

Let that sink in and remember to F.L.Y -First Love Yourself!