For The One Who Loved With No Plan B

Today you sit by yourself and you take a sip from the glass of wine in your hand - tart and sour.

Yesterday, you were not by yourself. Yesterday you sat with her as you watched the sky together. The sky was starless, not even the moon was in sight and you laughed when she said the stars and moon must have broken up with the sky.

Today you listen to the playlist you really like. The one with songs that remind you of fire, joy, life, happy days, love - and her.

Yesterday you listened to the playlist with her but you didn't tell her. You didn't tell her the songs reminded you of magic and your childhood and sunshine and happy days - and her. But you should have.

Today you replay your conversations in your head. You recall everything, every word, sigh, joke, laughter, arguments, and even the unspoken words - the ones communicated through each other’s eyes.

Yesterday you listened like you were not really interested, but you were. You were happy about, and very interested in the conversations and would have given anything to hear the words that were left unsaid. But you didn't tell her.

Today you hear her voice again as she spoke, "no day passes without thoughts of you on my mind". She said. And you knew it was the truth.

Yesterday you heard those words from her, she spoke calmly and wholeheartedly in her ‘I don’t care if this makes me vulnerable’ kind-of-way. But you kept mute because you were angry - maybe because you felt vulnerable too, and scared. Really, you were unsure how you felt.

Today you sip from your glass and you are not sure if it's regret you feel. Regret for the words you could have said, the thoughts you could have shared, the hugs you could have given, the kisses you could have drank in, every scent of her that you could have taken in and the contours that you could have memorized.

Yesterday you were not sure what to feel either but you knew one thing for sure. You liked your conversations. You were afraid because you felt vulnerable, yet you wanted to talk, to hug, to kiss, to take in her scent and to memorize every curve and contour. But you said nothing and barely did.

Today you feel the tingle in your throat as you swallow your tart and sour wine. You feel the tingle as you recall the words you should have said to her. Your truth, the gospel of all you adored about her, with veracity that held no contradiction.

Yesterday you wanted to say those words but you didn't. To tell her she meant more to you than she knew but you let fear stifle your truth because you thought that would be giving her power over you. And your heart.

Today you wish you had said those words to her. You wish you had let go of your fear or acted in spite of them.

Yesterday you tried to be strong for you, to protect yourself, your pride, your heart.

Today you wish you had stayed weak for once. Weak enough to be human. Human enough to admit that you wanted the friendship, the laughter, the joys and moments of rapturous delight.

Yesterday you held back, yesterday you chose you, yesterday you did what you thought was right. Yesterday she questioned your aloofness and told you she needed certitude about what you shared but then, you asked her to never reach out to you again.

Today you wish you had not said those words. Today you wish you could speak to her just one more time. To tell her all the things you didn't say yesterday.

Yesterday you worried that letting her in would start a fire that may never go out. That she had effortless va va voom and would always be the one who made the hours seem like seconds.

Today you know for sure, she did start a fire that may never be quenched. Today you try to forget, but you are learning a new truth, that the heart has a mind of its own.

Yesterday you didn't tell her that no matter what, she would always hold a place in your heart.

So today you write to let her know that you still carry her and may never stop. And that regardless of what she thinks, your heart still remembers.

Today, you sit by yourself as you sip from your glass of wine and you raise that glass to the girl who loved you with no Plan B for though she is not here today, you will always know that it is her who loved you with her spirit. It is her who would have walked to the ends of the earth with and for you …and perhaps, even bleed for you. 

But yesterday, you let her go.