Motherhood: The Gift You Cannot Purchase

"Eyes on the shuttle. No matter what is happening around, keep your hand firmly on your Racket and stay focused. Until the game is over, nothing else matters".

You smile as you watch them. Kore, your husband of 12 years teaching Makashe your 4 year old daughter to play Badminton.

As you watch them you recall your sessions with him, many years ago.

You were an amateur player and he was an award winning Badminton champion.

You met on the court where you first started going to play. Playing was a hobby you took up more from boredom than passion.

You had just finished your final exams and project defense and was home waiting for your results and also preparing for the National Youth Service Corps program.

"Eyes on the Shuttle. Focus...no, forget about me and keep your eyes on the Shuttle...wait...hold your Racket firmly. Like a sword." He would take the Racket from whomever he was coaching, to show them. "Can you see the way I'm holding it? It is your sword, for defense and offense. So use it and make sure you never drop the ball or in this case the shuttle."

He would hand back the Racket, and the game would continue.

There were other Coaches but he was evidently passionate about the game and each time he tutored you, your passion grew.

After each game, while others sat to have drinks, he would briefly exchange pleasantries, get in his car and drive off. He never stayed back for small talk.

You admired his passion and discipline but more importantly, you admired him.

He wasn't drop dead gorgeous but he was attractive. He had a calm demeanor and a look that seemed to say "I'm here to win the game of life."

Those were his words the first time you talked. It was after a tournament that your team won.

"I see life as a game that can be won with the right strategy and I am here to win the game."

As you conversed, he commended you. "I like your discipline and commitment" he said. "If you put this into other aspects of your life, success is guaranteed. That's why I like Badminton, it's like life itself."

Hearing him compliment you meant more to you than winning the tournament.

That was the day he asked you out on a date. For some seconds you didn't know what to say. A Date? With Obakore the disciplined, suave Doctor cum Badminton Champ?

You kept smiling when you heard him say "You don't have to say yes. I just thought it would be nice to hang out in a different environment, away from the court."

"Yes. It's okay" You retorted quickly. "I would love to."

Then he smiled and you smiled too.

You watch him now with Makashe. Like him, she seem like she was born to play and win the game. She served the shuttle and returned his passes with vigour. She didn't even look in your direction, her eyes were on the Shuttle and nothing else seemed to matter.

As you watch them, you reminisce on all that has happened in the last 13 years. So much has changed from that day you both went on your first date.

Kore proposed marriage 5 months after and 10 months into your relationship, you were married. You were 24 and he was 29 years old.

You were still serving at the time and in those early days you felt your heart would burst from too much happiness. You were happy in a way that felt illegal. Kore was an all or nothing man and loved the same way. He held nothing back in showing how much he loved and valued you. Life was perfect.

After service year, you joined your Mum in her catering business and 2 years after, you started your own company.

Kore's medical practice was sailing smoothly. All was well until three years after, then the questions started. "Why is your tummy still flat? Why have you not started a family?"

Even friends asked when you both planned to start a family.

You had thought marrying meant starting your family but soon learned that for society a couple become a family only when a child is born.

You didn't give much thought to comments but three years passed and you still hadn't taken in. The tests results said you both had nothing to worry about.

In the fourth year of your marriage, you decided to try In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) but two attempts failed. 

You had faith still. Then five years passed and people started using words like 'barren' and 'infertile' to describe you.

You would attend baby showers and then naming ceremonies and dedications and birthdays and yet another baby shower and you wondered why your case was different.

You started having sleepless nights but the last straw was an altercation between Kore and his Mum.

Kore's sister who lived in Norway was expecting a baby and his Mum who was to go nurse her stayed the night at your house. She was to fly the next day from the Nnamdi Azikiwe International Airport. 

It was the kind of visit you dreaded but all seemed to be going well until she brought up a conversation about a Pig rearing business she intended to start because a church member doing same business said Pigs bore as many as 10 to 14 Piglets per litter. She thought it would be good investment unlike Fishery where she lost over 300 fishes. From Fishes and Pigs she began a sermon on fruitfulness. Even Jesus cursed a Fig tree for not bearing fruits. Then she turned to you and asked if you knew of anyone that may have cursed you.

That questioned turned into an argument that ended in Kore asking his beloved Mum whom he revered above everyone else never to come to his house or interfere in his life again.

The next day, his entire family began to call. The clan came down on you, the barren woman who makes a son disrespect his mother.

Those were the worst days of your life.

You curled up and cried but Kore would remind you that you were enough.

"You are the prize my darling, not a baby."

But words no longer meant anything to you. You couldn't hold words in your arms or feed them and play with them like you did with your Nieces and Nephews.

"You can't let life dictate to you. You have to set a new standard for your happiness" he would say.

You tried to be strong like him but you couldn't. The world judged you more than it did him and before long you began to question his love for you. 

What if he too got tired? What if he left you?

As your insecurity grew, your faith and confidence waned and you began to lose yourself.

In your quest for a baby, you met other women in the same predicament.

You visited churches, herbal homes and fertility specialists. You chewed leaves that you never knew existed, drank concoctions of all kinds and even carried out rituals but it was all an effort in futility.

You still remember the day you were told to buy a pregnant Monkey. You were to care for the Monkey till it delivered and when the infant was born, you would strap it to your back, a few hours for seven days chanting incantations.

You bought the Monkey and got a farmer to nurse it till it delivered. You were there on the day it delivered and as you watched the newly born Monkey suckle its mother's breast you pictured it on your back and you realized that you were going crazy.

You left the farm on that day crying. You wondered what Kore who had no idea what you had been doing would say if he knew half of what you had done.

That was the day you decided to dictate to life.

You vowed never to stress over a baby and focused on your relationship with God. You took courses for your business and made peace with Kore's Mum. She was still hostile but you didn't let her attitude bother you.

You began to work with organizations that support girls looking to sell their children because of poverty, neglect/abscondment by their partners or because of the circumstances surrounding their pregnancy like rape. You joined in counselling them and setting them up with businesses and jobs.

It was in the 7th year of your marriage that you became pregnant for the first time. You still recall the day you held Makashe in your arms, her little fingers curled around yours as she breathed gently against your skin. You cried so much as you watched her, and called her Makashe an Urhobo name meaning 'Angel'. She is the gift you could never have paid for.

Aside the girls, you also started a group for other couples trying to conceive. Everyone shares their story, encouraging one another and praying with each other because a couple with the right information and a strong support system will have an easy journey.

Like you, they too learned to dictate to life and not waste their pain. Some members of the group also started to have their babies.

Today, you are pregnant again and as you watch Makashe play with Kore, tears fill your eyes because more than anyone you understand that children are priceless gifts that can never be earned. The only thing a recipient can do with their gift is VALUE and NURTURE it the best way possible.

You have learned that Motherhood is a gift that can't always be purchased.