For The Boy Who Taught You What It Means To Love

You stare in disbelief at his phone, you still tell yourself it is a dream. A bad dream that you'd wake up from.

You read through the chats and tears roll down your cheeks. You do not bother wiping your face because your tear glands would only keep producing more tears. They seem to have a mind of their own now, a mind that instructs them to keep the tears flowing.

As you feel the torrent of tears, you shrug. It is what pain does, it leaves you helpless over certain emotions.

As you peruse the chats, your mind drifts to the day when you first saw and held him in your arms. On that day you realized that you'd gotten the definition of love wrong all along. On that day you knew you had found the one you would bleed and die for. And you did bleed on that day.
The day he made you a mother and you learned what it truly means to love.

You see his face now, your first seed and you wonder when and where you missed it. How did you not see the signs? Or weren't there signs?

"When did he lose it?"
You sob as you ask no one in particular.

What you do not know is that he didn't lose it in one day, it was a gradual process. A slow fade.

You recall the first day you dropped him off at school. He cried so much and the teachers said he was a fussy child. You were embarrassed because you wanted him to act like a boy and boys do not just cry but you forgot he was only a baby. A baby does what babies do, cry to express displeasure, pain and host of other emotions. And boys cry too.

You also recall the times he clung to you as you went about your chores. You would shove him and urge him to go play. He would go after failed attempts to get your attention. You thought he was learning independence but now you wish you had held him even if for just a few minutes on those days.

You had bought him exotic toys and even had a small car customised for him. You were willing to give him what you lacked as a child - money and the things it can buy. But you forgot to give him what you didn't lack, the affirmation of love and reinforcement of his self worth.

You recall the day he showed you his paintings, his eyes glistened as he said he wanted to be an artist when he grew up. You reminded him that he would someday run his father's business, he would employ artists and not be one.

You watched him grow into a fine young man. He had his Dad's handsome face but everyone said he was a bit aloof and cocky, like you. You didn't kow that underneath the cocky posterior was a young man begging to be heard and loved.

You and his father had his life planned out and gave little room for him to voice his thoughts or preferences. It was the best for him- or so you both thought.

You recall when he first told you he was in love. He seemed smitten, almost drunk. His eyes lit up when he talked about her, she was the prettiest girl in his class.
You thought he was just happy and in love, you even told his dad he was in love and really happy.

You didn't know that beyond happiness and love, he was holding on to the first woman who gave him attention and made him feel special.

Those were the words in his chat with her as he expressed his love to her. You recall the times you could have hugged him, held him, looked him in the face to let him know you saw him, validated his strengths, extolled his virtues but there was always a meeting, project, course, presentation and your role as mother and wife getting in the way.

You never had anyone dote on you as a child and you turned out fine.

Today as you stare at the chat, you sob heavily. Your little boy was begging for attention from a girl who didn't want him anymore. He told her he would not be able to make it if the only woman who has shown him attention left him.

Why didn't he speak up? Why didn't he talk to you? How would he give so much power to another human being? How did you raise an emotionally and mentally unstable young man?

Questions arise in your head but all you can do is cry because now all you have are memories of your baby boy who took his own life because he was heartbroken.

And you blame yourself because you were too busy trying to care and provide for that you forgot to just love and be grateful for the boy who taught you what it means to love.