Courting Pain, The Kind Nobody Talks About

 

For the first time in a long while, he kissed your forehead and held you for longer than he has in months, but you know it is more out of habit than intention. He also fed you some of his plantain pottage at breakfast, but you know it was because he could not eat. Feeding you was a way of distracting you both from his inability to eat.

You wanted to talk about it, but you kept shut, like you have about many things recently.

Like his leaving books strewn all over the place, falling asleep fully clothed while watching TV, walking around as though searching for something, just staring blankly into space, mumbling to himself, not hearing when you talk to him, and the weight loss that has become so noticeable.

His eyes too seemed to have sunk into their sockets and had a soulless look. He had become a shadow of himself. His smile when he managed one was wry, his laughter mirthless, his gait languid, his speech slow and his eyes had a look that sometimes seemed like fear.

At first you thought it was a phase that would pass but weeks were turning to months and he seemed to be getting worse.You have tried massages and foot rubs, smothered him with kisses and left notes where he could read them, but none worked. You made a playlist of his favourite slow rock songs and even invited friends over, but he seemed to be getting distant with each gesture.

You kept hope that he would come around, but fear set in the day he dropped the glass in his hand spilling his drink as you were both laughing. He apologized and made to pick up the pieces and as he did, the broken fragments cut his hand. Though he bled, he didn't stop and even shoved you when you made to sweep the pieces. He evidently was not even feeling the pain and didn't mind that his blood flowed freely.

For the first time you were filled with fear as you realized you had been laughing with yourself all along, he was never present. That day it dawned on you that he was in deeper pain than you thought, one that was stronger than any physical hurt and the worst part was you not being able to do anything about it.

All you could do was watch while he dealt with his pain. 

The pain of losing his father was taking its toll on your husband in a way you never envisaged. He is the strongest man you know but losing his hero has borne a side to him you never knew existed. He has lost the spring in his steps, his back slouched when he sat, his voice guttural, his eyes had a longing, he seemed to be crying for help and for the first time you realized your love wouldn't be enough to pull him through.

You have both weathered storms together but this time, he was alone in the storm and try as you might, he wouldn't let you in. This pain was personal and even you would not be allowed in.

To watch a loved one in pain and to be unable to help them is a kind of pain people never really talk or write about. They tell you to support them by being there for them but do not tell you what to do when they shut you out, when they hold you without really feeling you, when they look at you but do not see you. You are learning that sometimes pain comes in unexpected forms and that it can be acquired, the result of another's pain.

Through this phase, you remember the words of Bishop T.D. Jakes in his book 'The Lady, Her Lover and Her Lord' and you learn a new kind of respect for grief. It is a feeling that cannot be explained away, rushed, or shrugged off. It demands to be felt and only time can sate it. You watch the love of your life deal with grief and tell yourself that the bishop was right when he said there are parts of a person, a void only their Lord can touch and fill.

As he kissed your forehead this morning, you accept that your touch wouldn't be enough. You are a lover, but a lover would never be able to do what His Lord can do.

So, you promise yourself that you would stop trying to be His Lord. You will turn off the music, put away the massage oils and scented candles, keep shut and ask God to help him go through the pain without losing himself. 

You will ask the lover of his soul to restore his soul and you will wait no matter how long it takes. You will keep praying for him, you will let your big boy cry, you will cry with him and you will wait on the sweet Holy Spirit to lead you both through the night to a brighter morning.

Today you will call on the one who made the heart that is broken because only He can heal it and you will step aside and watch from the side as His Lord takes over the dance.

You will wait till He brings both your hearts to a place of healing because when that happens, a newer, stronger love bond would have been awakened. It would be a rejuvenation, a revival, a renascence, a rebirth.

Now though, you let him hold you as his heart beats in rhythm with yours, the silence saying what no words can, his arms protective over you and knowing there is not much you can do to help, you let yourself feel the pain people seldom talk about.