Sperm, The Ultimate Beauty Product?

As I write this I have facial mask on.

I am supposed to use it 3 times a week but between living and trying to meet up with my daily activities, anytime I remember is just fine - by me.

As I applied the facial mask I smile as I recall the magic cure to pimples a friend once told me about - honestly I remember it anytime I have to scrub, exfoliate, steam or cleanse my face.

Maybe if I had tried it I would have said bye bye to acne who knows I might have started a business teaching people how to wave acne or pimples good bye and would have made my mark in the beauty world, a girl can dream right?

I imagine me granting interviews about how I discovered the secret to a clear skin and then holding up a bottle of my precious formula as camera men take photos of me...snap back Okiemute.

It was in 2014, I was in the kitchen when she walked in.
We hugged and screamed even though it had been only 3 days since we last saw each other.

As I examined her I noticed she had a different glow to her, her face too was smoother than usual.

'Lee you are glowing' I said. Your pimples seem to have vanished, they are gone, what did you use?' 

She smiled mischievously, looked around to be sure no one could hear us and said "Sperm".

'Sperm? You mean sex?' I asked obviously lost.

 "No, Sperm. I read that it's a great cure for pimples so I have been applying So's Sperm on my face and I guess the difference is clear" she was smiling as she spoke.

So is the petname for her fiance who is now her husband.

I was taken aback, I mean I have read and even tried different things on my face - Lime, lemon, tomatoes, sugar, salt, bananas, pawpaw, toothpaste, someone even once suggested mud but Sperm?

I had never heard of that.

'Wow' I said trying to mask my irritation mixed with disbelief 'how do you'...before I could say more So walked into the kitchen asking what it was I was cooking that smelled nice.

As he spoke I glanced at his groin not sure of what to say about the magical cure to pimples between his legs and tried to smile as we hugged and exchanged pleasantries.

As I continued with my cooking, I thought about the extent we go in our search for perfection. 'Sperm ke'.

It's been 4 years since that day, I am yet to read up the truth about Lee's experiment and of course haven't mustered the courage to apply Sperm on my face.

How would I even ask for that? Who would I ask? I mean what else would define gross, grotty or sloven?

But would Sperm really have wiped all my acne cares away? Or better still made me a rich CEO of my own beauty empire? Who knows what they mix in these chemicals we buy anyway?

You know what they say, na wetin you look troway face naim your mate take pass you.

What do you think?

Of Liberal Parents, Freedom And License To Have Sex

"So you mean at your age you can't tell your Mum you are travelling?" It was my colleague asking.

'To see a man I met online and have never met in real life? A man we both know nothing about?' I scoffed and imagined my Mum's face.

She would probably have slapped my colleague for daring to suggest that.

'My dear forget age o I cannot, I won't even dare - I had to stress D.A.R.E - tell my Mum I am travelling to see a man I met online'. I added.

This conversation started after he told me of plans he had to feature me in a short film he was working on adding that he would be shooting his first the next day but would need me on the next one.

I responded that I'd be delighted but would need to know the storyline and the role I'd be playing.

He said plans were underway and proceeded to tell me about the one he would shoot first.

 It is about a young girl who goes to visit a guy she met online. She goes without telling her family and friends, while she is there she has an Asthma attack but because the guy isn't aware that she is asthmatic, he doesn't know what to do and she dies.

'Ha! Sounds nice, so is it a story to educate people about Asthma?' I asked.

He responded that the aim was to let people know the importance of informing family and friends about their movement. "If the girl had told her family they would have known where she was." He said.

"But even if they knew, how would they have helped with the attack seeing as she was alone with the guy?' I responded.

'Maybe if they had talked about health challenges the guy would have known but saying she should have told her family that she was going to see a man she met online? Ha, that won't work o. At least I know I can't tell my Mother that. If it is someone I know fine' I added.

I suggested that a story to educate people about Asthma and stigmatization would be better and Ijeoma said she thought so too.

That was how the argument started.

Most thought that at 25 people should be free to go where they please so long as family is informed.

"So what if you have to travel for work?" Another asked.

'That's different.' I responded. 'I am not living with my parents now am I? They are in another state but I'm here for work. I just can't tell them I'm travelling to see a man I have never met.' I said again.

Parents ought to be liberal they said and I thought isn't that like a license to go wherever and have sex with whomever so long as they are in the know?

At this point I imagined me telling my Mum of plans to go see a man I met online.

Ha! My Mum that defied security and jumped a school fence to pick my brother and I when she was not allowed in?

It was during the tribal war in Warri and she had explained to the security officers that there would be a curfew from 10am as announced on radio, they refused saying we were safe. She jumped the fence and ran straight to our classroom screaming our names as she ran. By the time she got us to the gate, there were cars all over as other parents had come to pick up their children.

My mum that called my siblings for a meeting to beg me to leave my Church because they close midweek service late?

A woman who packed her bags ready to go to Sokoto because she couldn't reach my elder sister who was serving as a Corps member at the time on the phone? I had to plead with her and thankfully we were able to reach my Sister that morning.

When I go out for late events she would call till I am home even if it's at midnight.

So imagine me telling her that I would be travelling to see a man I met online, she would probably react like I had written a suicide note - no jokes.

I recall when I had to travel to Akwa Ibom for work in April. She called to pray for me 3 times before we embarked on the trip. She called while I was on the way, when I arrived, before I slept and before I set out the next day.

While I was out we spoke and I assured her that I would let her know when I was done as I would be busy - I was the video director for the event.

My phone battery was drained before I got home and because I was tired, I connected the phone to charge and slept off. Mummy tried to call but my phone was switched off.

The next day as I turned my phone on, I saw messages from my siblings and before I could read them my younger sister's call came in - "please call Mummy now Okiemute, what happened?" 

Apparently because she wasn't home having gone for her final clearance at school, my Mum had called her at 2am to say she couldn't reach me. She also called my elder sister who lives in another town and even got angry when my Sister reminded her that I am no longer a child.
My brother who was on call at the hospital wasn't spared, he had to deal with his patients and my Mum throughout the night.

In summary, no member of my family slept that night.

My Mum had packed her bags ready to come look for me in Akwa Ibom even though she didn't know where I was staying.

When I called her she was panting, said "Oh my God" like 7 times and proceeded to sing praises to God for saving me.

Saving me from what? A drained battery?

I promised there and then to borrow any phone available to reach out if same happened in future. 

So imagine me telling her that I am travelling to see a man I met online. She would freak out and if I insist  she would probably ask for his number, his family's history, address and would be at my destination before me.

Liberal Mums?

They may exist but not in my mother's dictionary. 

As my colleagues continued the conversation, I got up and walked out.

You And I? We Are At Risk

It's a beautiful Saturday morning.

It is raining heavily, I am tucked in bed - oh wait, let me snuggle a little more, yes done - and I'm thinking how perfect it is, for me.

A voice in my head is reminding me though that it may not be so perfect for someone else right now.

Someone who has an event to attend, a ceremony to host, an early morning flight to catch or any other plan that would require being in the outdoors is probably having a fit and would begrudge me if they here me say it's perfect.

So I think to myself, if they knew it would rain so heavily this morning would they have risked making plans?

Life is indeed a risk and much of what we do as humans is a matter of faith.

We make plans without guarantees that they will succeed yet we go on in faith.

When you dress up in the morning in pursuit of your daily bread - whether work, business, school it's all a hustle for survival - there are no guarantees that the day will go as planned still you go on, in faith.

You take up a job and promise to give it your best to turn the company's fortune around because you have a great plan, hope for a cooperative team and what more? Thomas Edison wouldn't have tried 1000 times to event the light bulb if he had you on his team - but there are no guarantees with that either.

We get married and commit to another for the rest of our lives, trusting that they would always be there but there are no guarantees with that either. They could change anytime and become total strangers - isn't that why people pledge for better or worse? Yet we go ahead, in faith.

When you drop your child off at school and kiss them goodbye there are no guarantees that they would be really safe, yet we go on and leave them behind in faith. You see then why I say life is a matter of faith?

We set goals in hopes that we will get expected results and even when we have no evidence of the expected results, we still take our chances.

Whether you choose to become a Soldier risking it all on the battlefield or a homemaker caring for your family in the comfort of your home, it is still a risk.

All life is a risk, from the day you are born till the day you die you are at risk. You and I are at risk.

But the biggest risk of all is not taking action because you fear what the consequences might be. 

Choosing to play safe because you are not sure you will succeed is wasting this opportunity called life. 

Not going after or asking for what you want is a risk.
You risk waking up someday and looking back with regrets at the chances you didn't take cos you may end up thinking of what might have been - coulda, woulda, shoulda, but you did nothing.

So as I have said, all life is a risk and it's up to you to choose what's worth risking it for and - oh wait, I had planned to have Akara with custard for breakfast and I'll need to go out to get the Akara but it's still raining.

Isn't it supposed to be a perfect morning?

Can the rain stop already?

Hmmm, lemme see what risk I have to take...brace the rain, make another plan or skip breakfast (forget I said that)...err...I'll be back...

Before You Open Your Mouth

Wow, just like that!

That was me exclaiming to myself as I watched Candace and Michael - characters in the movie 'Think Like Man Too' - exchange vows to become husband and wife.

Let me add here that I have seen the movie like 50 times, it just never gets old for me.

All they had to say was 'I do' and voila, they are bound together for the rest of their lives.

As the movie ended, I thought about the fact that their lives had changed not because their families were present, not because of the clothes they had on or even the rings exchanged, it was the words 'I Do', those two simple words that changed everything forever.

This shows how powerful words are.

Little wonder the Bible says in the book of Proverbs that we are ensnared by the words of our mouths. It's as we say in Pidgin 'if you no take care your mouth fit put you for trouble'.

We read stories of people who have been sentenced to death and all it took to seal their fate were the words of a Judge.

There are lives that are broken today because a someone they trusted said something hurtful or couldn't keep their words.

Just recently, precisely in April the President while giving a speech at a business meeting during the Commonwealth Assembly in London, noted that 60% of the Nigerian population are young people, majority of whom are uneducated and waiting to be given everything for free.

He had implied that Nigerian youths are lazy.

This demoralizing statement was met with harsh criticisms and even birthed the hash tag #lazynigerianyouths in defense of the spirit of the Nigerian youth who toils and pushes hard against the odds.

The President while visiting Morocco just this past Monday stated that Nigerians are the most 'intellectually aggressive and economically ambitious' people in the world. It's safe to say he had learned to use positive words.

This tells you the power of words.

I read a story shared on Twitter yesterday.

A young girl wrote about how an older woman constantly called her beautiful and would go ahead to say 'please tell me you believe you are beautiful' and she would go on to say that she believed.

She recently asked the woman why she always said that and the response she got 'shattered' her - in her words.

The older woman's teenage daughter had committed suicide because she was constantly bullied in school and called ugly for being black. This made the woman decide that she would constantly make every young girl she meets know she is beautiful regardless of her skin colour.

She understood how careless words can hurt and even end a life because she had been a victim.

I could go on to share stories about the power of our words but the truth is that our words have power. 

We can create the life we want with our words, we can call out the good in a person with our words, we can start or end battles with our words and can end a life with our words.

Life is challenging and the last thing you want is for the people you love to feel worse because of the words you said. You may apologize for words spoken in anger but an irreparable damage might have been done.

So before you open your mouth to speak think about the consequences of your words because words when spoken can never be taken back.

What Are You Creating?

I listened intently as he spoke and still recall his words.

"Everything you see is created twice. First in the mind and then in reality".

He paused for a while and continued, "You have to first see what you want in your mind before it can become a reality as such much more important than eyesight is visionsight. Visionsight helps you see beyond your present condition".

It was my mentor speaking to me in the course of our conversation about the change I wanted in my career.

He reiterated the power of the mind, reminding me of the days when what I have now were just dreams.
"You didn't know how what you wanted would come but you kept thinking and talking about it and prepared for it, so when the opportunity presented itself you took it because you were ready. Never stop dreaming Okiemute". He said.

He went on further to talk about the entitlement mentality which causes us not to give and do our best because we think something is due to us or someone owes us because of who we are or what we have done.

It's as Rev Howard-John Wesley puts it, a sense of entitlement is what makes people not give their best because they think showing up is just enough. It is feeling something/someone owes you more than you owe it/them as such you you are excused from giving your best to it/them.

"Most people are entitled, don't be like most people", he added. "Be the one that goes the extra mile because even if no one appreciates you now, someday somewhere someone will", he went on. 

"Just keep seeing all you want and not all you have. Forget your present and work for your future".

He said a lot more which in summary is creating the life you want first in your mind, preparing, dressing and working for it so that when the opportunity comes you will be ready to fit in without struggle. 

Some people call it the law of attraction - the great secret, which is that the universe responds to your thoughts.

The Bible calls it Faith, having the evidence of what you expect even when you can't see it.

So you live like it, confess it, prepare for it, work for it inspite of the odds until you become it.

Everything you see is created twice, first in your mind and then in reality.
What are you creating now?

She Typed Amen And He Proposed

I recently read a post on a Facebook group page that made me laugh out loud, really loud.

My neighbour showed it to me as she commented on her friend's reaction to the post.

It was a post made on a group for women. You know those ones with names like women in Nigeria, brotherhood and sisterhood, ranting women etal whose goal is usually to 'support' women but becomes a lamenting ground for the injustices women suffer in the hands of men - boyfriends, husbands, in laws etal and the prayer house of those looking for marriage.

I am all for women supporting women but when women begin to talk only about marriage, relationships or how to get the ring it becomes worrisome and outrightly annoying.

Why don't we support each other with ideas to grow businesses, ways to be dependent and self sufficient no matter the amount one earns, job opportunities and ways to be active participants and contributors (not solely via procreation) to society instead?

It is for reasons like this that I dislike - yes I don't like them - such groups.

So back to the gist about the post my neighbour showed to me. It was the testimony of a young lady who had gotten engaged. In her words, she liked and typed 'Amen' on posts about engagements/weddings and miraculously the man in her life proposed.

You should have seen the torrents of comments from ladies all typing 'amen' and 'tapping' into her testimony.

My neighbour saw her friend's comment on it too and showed it to me.

I laughed really hard. Not because I do not believe in miracles but because I thought she - the poster wasn't being entirely honest.

Marriages do not happen because you typed amen neither will they be sustained by amen.

Relationships require work and dedication as such even if a man proposes marriage - which can be declined by the way - in weeks, months or years, it would have taken serious thought, a lot of work would have been put in and a lot of sacrifices made. 

So as much as I would love to agree, I think it takes more than typing 'Amen' to sustain a relationship or get a man to decide that it would be you for the rest of his life.

But then what do I know about the poster's experience? It is different from mine so it could be true that she typed amen and then he proposed.

What do you think?

The Breakup Nobody Talks About

I felt her tap me on the shoulder in a bid to buttress her point.
Apparently she wasn't satisfied with raising her voice and so she had to touch me to make her point.
Then I turned to study her as she spoke.

She was wearing a t-shirt, a pair of denim pants with slippers and her hair was covered in her hair net.
She looked like she didn't get enough sleep the night before and as she spoke I thought I heard a hint of sadness in her voice, like she would cry if she wasn't given assurance.

Another voice jolted me out of my thoughts "wetin happen, any problem"? The voiced asked.

It was one of the women who had come to help out, apparently Ann's half talk half scream had caught her attention.

'No problem Ma, sorry' I responded and turned to Ann again as she continued talking, this time in low tones.

"I have told you o, tell your friend that if after her wedding she abandons me it's her Mum and Dad that will settle us because no be today I dey work for friends o. I go work for dem finish and after dem marry dem go forget me. I will not take it this time" she said.

I had to comfort her somehow, I wasn't the bride but I had to give her assurance... 'Babe haba na calm down, she will not forget you' I said but you know what they say, no one calms down from being told to calm down so I shook her shoulder to get her to stop talking.

We went back to our work but as everyone moved on, I thought about everything.

I didn't blame Ann, she anticipated but hoped not to experience the kind of breakup no one talks about.

It was the morning of one my happiest days. My darling girl was getting married.

We have been friends for about 4 years and through this time we have laughed and cried together.
We have gone to war together and been at war with each other.
We had prayed and talked about this day and finally it had come.

She was getting married and would be sharing her life with someone else other than us. She would prioritize him over everyone else because she would be one with him.

As beautiful as this is - something most people desire or at least are told to desire - it sometimes marks the end of great friendships, painfully so.

So you see why I do not blame Ann?
It is because I understand how she feels. She loved this friend and hoped she wouldn't lose her.

As I continued gleefully with my work and my thoughts however, there were things I never envisaged.

I didn't envisage me crying as my friend got in the car after the ceremony to go home with the love of her life.

I didn't envisage the days I would sit with my phone thinking of who to call about certain issues knowing she was the one who would understand but not calling her because it was late and I wouldn't want to intrude in her time with her husband.

I also never envisaged the day I would write about it.

You have heard, read or talked about and maybe even experienced heartbreak.
The kind that results from a breakup in a romantic relationship - the one between a boy and a girl.

But have you heard, read or talked about and experienced the breakup with your friend of the same sex?

It may have been caused by an action that made you feel betrayed or events beyond your control.

As painful as it is, sometimes more than that with a member of the opposite sex, it is the kind of breakup nobody talks about.

What I Don't Want When I Get Married

After a long drive through town back home I decided to check my phone which I had muted and dumped in my bag.

I was T.I.R.E.D and my body was begging for a massage.
I couldn't wait to fling my heels and I wished I had a wig on instead of braids, I would have flung it too.

Now I like long drives - a lot - but on days like this when Port Harcourt traffic is at its peak, long drives become a chore - by the way I was not driving. I had gone in the company of Ada my friend and a driver had taken us.
I was finally glad to be home and checked to see the calls I had missed.

I saw my Cousin's call alongside others and put off returning her call because getting her on the phone is as easy as getting honey from a bee's hive. I returned other calls but before I dropped the phone, I decided to call her not expecting her to pick up but surprisingly she answered.

"Sister sister"! she exclaimed.

Busy woman, I responded asking what I had done to deserve her call as she was yet to return the calls I made weeks ago. She noted that she had not seen the call and then we went on with talk about work, meetings, friends and all the things that get in the way of us finding time for the most important things - us and our relationship.

We decided for the umpteenth time to call each other more and then she asked about a friend that recently had a baby. When I answered that the baby was growing really fast, she popped the question - the one I have come so used to hearing that I answer without even thinking.

"When is your own coming na"? She asked.

I chuckled.

I do this every time I'm asked especially when it's accompanied with the supporting argument of how a 'fine girl' like me shouldn't be single.

'Soon, very soon'. I said

"Hmm, finally! She exclaimed "My sister is bending o, who is he? When is the date"? She reeled out.

'Date ke, I said soon. Let's leave it at that'. I retorted. 

Then she added, I'm asking because I don't want our dates to clash o.

There, she dropped it. My cousin is getting married, what a way to announce it.

'Clash? Oh my God, you are getting married'! I screamed in excitement asking when the date would be and if it was the guy we all knew. She responded in the affirmative and there and then I pledged my support.

'Just let me know when you need me, I will give maximum support' I said gleefully not knowing I was setting myself up.

"Support"? She asked, "you are not supporting o, you are the main organizer and now I need to start picking colours for Aso Ebi".

I laughed. Organize what?

I imagined me going through different shops at the market looking for the perfect fabric and then reaching out to friends to buy and then having to deal with those who would promise to pay later but never will which usually results in some people drawing debts 2 years after their wedding. Mba, not me.
I quickly responded, 'Aso Ebi? Me? Hmm, my dear even when I get married there will be no Aso Ebi o because I'm not ready to be stressed so I'm not the girl to help with your Aso Ebi, at all at all'.

She laughed and continued as though she didn't hear what I had said.
"You will have to take a leave when it's close o cos I need you to be hands on. I want someone that is strong and that I can trust and that person is you".

As she said the word 'strong' I imagined me lifting weights and developing muscles just to fit into the role of Aso Ebi prefect and responded again.

'Didn't you hear me? I'll not even have people wearing Aso Ebi when I get married, I may choose colours to be worn but I am not buying fabric to be sold to people only to end up begging some to pay. I no dey do'.

"So you will get married like that"? She asked.

'Yeah. Do I need Aso Ebi to have a beautiful wedding? It will go well'. I responded.

"I didn't say it will not go well, it just wouldn't be so colourful". She said.

Since when did colour become a prerequisite for a great marriage?

I sighed and responded, 'Wetin concern me with colour? My wedding will be as colourful as I want it to be, my marriage will be great too and there will be no Aso Ebi'.

"Hmm, that's your own o, just get ready for me cos when you get married I'll personally take charge of your Aso Ebi, whether you want it or not".

There and then my Cousin had imposed the duty of Aso Ebi prefect on me and assigned herself prefect for mine.

I imagine my groom arms folded watching his wife being arm twisted into doing what she didn't want and I decided not to respond again.
We went on to talk about a business we were to work on, laughed and ended the call.

Just as I dropped the call, Ada who was standing with me took up the 'Aso Ebi' issue.

"Babe, do you know you are in charge of my own Aso Ebi too? I plan to hand everything to you o cos I don't want stress". She said.

I almost saumasaulted and I exclaimed again that I wanted nothing to do with Aso Ebi issues.

Is this a gang up or what?

I tried to explain and looked around for anyone who would understand my point but there was no one. There were just the two of us.

And so it was that in less than 20 minutes I got the job of wedding organizer and Grand Commander of Aso Ebi Affairs.

I am still grumbling in my head.

I will still make them see reasons why I want nothing to do with Aso Ebi and assure them that they wouldn't have to bother about returning the favour when I get married because amongst other things, Aso Ebi (the whole drama of persuading people to wear a single uniform) is one thing I wouldn't have when I get married.

Success is Not In My Vagina

I watched him keenly as he continued staring.

He looked at me lecherously and I swallowed.

His lust was almost tangible I feared what might happen if I stayed a little longer.

He had asked that everyone else be sent out and so we were seated alone in the VVIP section of the lounge we had gone to for drinks and an important discussion about my future as he had put it.

Then he said the words. The ones I had come so used to hearing and knew he would say sooner or later.

‘Let me take care of you’, he said. I cringed.

He paused a little as if expecting a response from me and continued.

“You are a very beautiful young woman, very ripe – in my head I imagine me on a tree, ripe and ready to fall. You are intelligent and have a great future ahead of you, all I am asking is that you let me be the one to help you achieve your dreams”

He paused again and as I inhaled, he continued.

“You know one thing I like about you ehn is that you are stubborn. Chai! How many girls do you think will stress me like this”? Ehn, that’s why I want you. You are a very decent girl” He pronounced girl as GYEL.

I exhaled as I thought to myself. ‘If I say yes, would I still be the decent GYEL girl you want at all cost’?

To think that I thought he would say something new or at least discuss my future.

He paused again but when I said nothing he smiled and just when I thought he would stop, he went on.

“I know you will say nothing, it’s your way but just know that you have potentials and I can help. Just say yes and leave it all to me”.

I watched him keenly as he continued speaking but as he spoke my mind drifted.

He isn’t your typical Nigerian ‘big man’.

You know the one portrayed in Nollywood movies. 

The middle aged, bald headed, potbellied and oftentimes overdressed – because he has to wear all his money at once with hopes that it compensates for his lack of formal education evident in his poor grammar.

He isn’t that kind.

He is middle aged but fit – the kind of fitness that comes from healthy eating and a strict exercise regimen, very well dressed and an air of confidence that comes from being the predator and never the prey.

He spoke well too but had slight affectations which showed in his pronunciation of words like girl as GYEL and beautiful as BEAURIFUL.

He was attractive too and seemed like he could make a success of any venture he put his heart to – his business and career success spoke volumes, the only challenge though is that like most men of his ilk that I have encountered he was wrong. He was wrong in his assumption that the key to unlocking MY potentials, the key to MY success is in my Vagina.

The key to my success or any young girl for that matter is not in the Vagina and sleeping with a man who is successful wouldn’t automatically make me a success because as they say ‘success or at least good and sustainable success is not sexually transmitted’.

I was jolted back to reality when he touched my hand. He made to take my hands in his and I flinched, snatching my hands from his.

He looked at me askance, “do I irritate you”?

I shook my head.

He made to take my hands again and I shifted, raising my hands as if to pull my hair backwards but there was no hair to pull as my hair was packed in an updo.

As if to show that he wasn’t bothered by my actions, he continued.

Did you hear what I just said’? I shook my head in the negative again.

“You see, you are not even listening. You don’t even want to give me a chance”. He sounded slightly irritated.

‘I am listening now’, I responded.

“I said I want to give you a flat in one of my estates. I will buy you a car and also help you get a job with the state’s civil service even though you are not an indigene”.

I looked at him again as it was obvious he would never understand.

I was a Corps member and would be passing out in a few weeks but my idea of success isn’t a flat or a car paid for by a man who has a daughter my age or a job with the state’s civil service.

Won’t you say anything”? He asked.

“I need to go home. I have clearance at the NYSC secretariat in the morning and also have to be at work. I really thought we were really going to talk about my future. Would you drop me off now”?

Before he could respond, I stood up and made to leave.

He dashed after me with apologies, asking what he said or did wrong as he didn’t want to lose me.

I said nothing but thought to myself as I stormed off. ‘Lose me? Did you ever have me’?

He caught up with me as I walked out of the VVIP section through the dimly lit VIP section to the regular section and then outside the lounge.

“I will drop you off” he said and added “but if you don’t want to go home, I can get you a suite at my hotel, you know”

I looked at him again and thought to tell him that he had it wrong. I was not interested in what he had to offer and I didn’t think I needed to sleep with him to ‘make it’ in life but I kept shut and said ‘thank you but I need to go home’.

“Chai! I love you the more” he said but all I could see was my bed and the pack of Fox Chunkies Cookies waiting for me at home. I exhaled.

Do It For You

‘You must be careful of your expectations and be sure they are realistic as you may be hurt if the other person’s actions doesn’t match your expectations’, I said.

“Of course, that’s why you must do it only because you want to”, Pere retorted.

‘Just do it for you, because you want to and not because you want it to sway his opinion of you’, I added.

“Yes, you get it”, he responded as we continued our conversation.

We were having a conversation that was turning into a debate of some sort. It was about relationships, sex and love.

We had all read an article by a colleague that depicted a passionate lovemaking session between a couple and I commended his sense of imagination and his ability to paint a scene that was almost tangible.

But Ijeoma exclaimed that it was a perfect description of what she envisaged and craved as it seemed like what could only happen between a couple in love. To her, great sex meant perfect love.

But Pere thought she was setting herself up for series of hurt and heartbreaks if she assumed a man loved her by how good sex is between them.

That was the genesis of our conversation cum debate on if the quality of sex is a determinant of love between a couple.

Some thought great sex equated great love, others thought it was possible to have great sex without love, some others thought the issue of the quality of sex in a relationship should be kept personal and others thought each participant should seek to enjoy the experience.

That was when I spoke up about expectations and how they can set us up for hurt and heartbreak.

This is not to say that we shouldn’t have expectations especially in relationships but that in spite of them we should seek to just enjoy the journey.

We should make sacrifices because we want to and not because we expect that it will make a person love us or stick with us.

You are only responsible for how you behave and can never really control how others will behave or act as such you may make sacrifices in hopes that they return the favour but that may never happen and as unfair as it may seem, it is the way with humans. They will do what they will.

So before you give in to demands or expend time and emotions in a relationship be sure that it is because you seek to make the other person happy and that it is what you want and not because you think it will make them indebted to you.

There are no guarantees that your favour will be returned so whatever you do, do it for you.

Friday Motivation!

Sometimes You Are The Enemy You Seek To Kill

"His village people are after him".

The phrase above is one most of us have used to describe a person who we think destroys their chances by themselves.

You may have said it yourself when certain things happened but I am learning that more often than not, the village people we blame only exist in our heads.

Sometimes the real village people is you and the problem you have may be your fault albeit unintentionally.

You may have read that you cannot give what you don’t have. 

This is true as you can pretend to be who you are not for a while but with time the real you will show.

Every day I see the truth in these words.

Every day I come to see that when you keep getting less than you deserve then maybe it is because you are not as valuable as you think.

So you may call yourself strong, beautiful, valuable and deserving of the best but if you do not work to be what you say you are then you will still sabotage yourself because your nature – who you really are – will betray you.

It reminds me of the Prodigal son who squandered his inheritance. 

It wasn't his village people that took the money but his inability to handle his new found wealth made him squander it.

Wealth that took his father years to acquire was gone in a short while because he didn’t have the capability to acquire or manage such wealth.

Let me share this profound story my brother told me with you.

Once upon a time in a certain town where slaves were not expected to associate with men considered to be free born, there lived 3 men.

They were friends but their relationship was unique because 2 of these men were free born and the other was a slave.

The 2 free born men had a meeting to attend in another town and when they informed their slave friend of their plans, he pleaded to go with them as his master had gone on a trip and he was free of his duty at the time.

His friends obliged but he pleaded to be treated as a free born when they got to the town they were visiting so that he would be treated with respect.

This too they agreed to.

On the set day, they embarked on their trip and upon arrival at their destination headed straight to the house they were to be hosted.

When they got to the house, their host received them at the door while his own slave took their coats to be kept amongst those of other guests because the custom is that guests coats would be hung neatly while those of the guests’ slave is kept on the floor in a corner as free born and slaves do not associate.

Pleasantries were exchanged, introductions done, the table was set for dinner and everyone sat down to dine.

While they were dining the host excused himself briefly and while he was returning to the table, he saw a coat in a corner on the floor. He wondered whose it was as none of his guests came with a slave and he knew his own slaves kept their coats in their quarters.

He beckoned on his slaves who were waiting on the guests and asked them who had the coat and when his slaves said they didn’t know, he proceeded to the dining table to ask his guests.

He asked “did anyone of you come with a slave? Because someone has kept their coat here like a slave and you know no slave is allowed on the dining table”.

His guests looked at each other with astonishment each wondering who the slave was in their midst.

While they exchanged glances, the 2 men who had brought in their slave friend looked at him with regret in their eyes as it dawned on them that introducing him as a free man didn’t change the fact that he had lived his life as a slave and had the mentality of a slave.

The fact that he was called a free born and treated as one didn’t change the fact the he still had the mind of slave.

He did not learn the ways of the free born, how they acted, talked and behaved.

He is nature had betrayed him. He became his own enemy.

This story is profound because it shows that you may change your name or even your appearance but if you do not change your mind and learn to act differently, who you are will still show.

You cannot pour from an empty cup as such if you do not consciously learn a new way of being your nature and not your village people will betray you.

You may become your own enemy.

How Not To Say Vagina

I looked on, she instructed the little boy on what to do as she led him to pee.

‘Bring out your ‘pee pee’, hold it’ she said referring to his Penis.

He obliged and went on to pee.

When he was done she brought out a wipe and told him ‘always wipe your pee pee and remember if anybody touches it what do you do’?

‘Shout’ he responded.

She hi-fived him and led him back to the place where we stood waiting for a cab.

I smiled at the obvious closeness between the mother and her son and admired that she thought him to wipe his Penis or haven’t you seen guys who pee, shake their Penis and put it back in their briefs/boxers like that?

I liked also that she took precaution against abuse but as I looked on, I thought to myself ‘why don’t we call the Penis and Vagina by their names’?

We coin any name that helps us not to mention the real names. It is what we do with things considered sacred, unpleasant or embarrassing, we try not to say them and so we use euphemisms.

Euphemisms, those mild or indirect words or expressions substituted for ones considered to be too harsh or blunt when referring to something unpleasant or embarrassing.

For example,

When a typical Nigerian wants to ask you for money, he tells you he is very rich at the moment but needs help.

Some people say I’m strong when they really are trying to say they feel sick.

When your friend asks you if she is fat, you tell her she has gotten a little bigger when in your head you are thinking ‘you are fat babe’.

When people die we say they passed away, we call blind people visually impaired, when a person is looking for work (unemployed) they say they are between jobs and when discussing sex we say things like ‘get down’ or ‘get laid’ or ‘do the deed/thing’.

We try to find ways to not say what we want to say but still want to say what we want to say.

Especially with sex.

We are trained and in turn train our children to see their sexual organs as sacred, parts of their bodies to not be given thought or talked about and so instead of calling the parts as they are we use euphemisms.

For this reason it is hard to give sex education to our children who are left to explore on their own or worse still are taught by strangers and make mistakes that are avoidable and may be irreparable.

You have probably told a child not to let anyone touch his ‘pee pee’ or her ‘wee wee’ or have tried to shut them up when they asked questions about sex even when they are not so little anymore.

I am not saying we should throw words about or expose our children to sex, I just think we should remove the air of sacrosanctity and sacredness with which we have surrounded private parts and just treat them as body parts that should not be abused.

Sex should be called what as it is and children particularly teenagers should be made to know that it is not to be abused.

We could do with a little openness with issues of sex and the sexual organs so as to discourage hypocrisy and encourage honesty.

We should try to get our children or wards to talk more about their privates and what happens to them instead of teaching them how not to say Vagina…or Penis.

The 'Shithole' You Call Home

If you are like me you must have been livid when you read reports that the President of the United States of America, Donald Trump referred to African countries as 'Shitholes'.

It was during the White House meeting on Immigration Reform that President Donald Trump referred to African nations as “shithole countries”, and proceeded to ask the following questions: “Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here? Why couldn’t we just take in immigrants from, say, Norway?”

If you are like me, you probably also considered the state of things in the country you call home and shrugged asking something like "are we angry because he may be right? Is Nigeria really a Shithole''?

Recall also how on December 23, 2017, The New York Times reported that during a meeting in the Oval Office to advance President Trump’s Immigration Agenda, Trump made the following remarks about Nigerians: “Once they had seen the United States, they would never go back to their huts in Africa”.

So when in January he made the Shithole remark we were concerned not only because we do not all live in huts but the statements also reeked of racism and an air of superiority.

Some African Presidents called for an apology, professional bodies made up of Nigerians in the United States asked for apologies stating that they were contributing to the economy of America and as such wouldn't appreciate such statements about their home but that was all they could do, make statements.

They didn't get angry enough to come back home at least to teach America a lesson that their economy will crumble without their services.

Nigerians in Nigeria reacted also with some for in support and others against Mr Trump's remarks .

Then fast forward to about 6 months later, Falz a Nigerian musician living in Nigeria releases a single titled 'This Is Nigeria'.

A song in which he chronicles the challenges we have to deal with in Nigeria and how the system helps to increase the enormity of the challenges.

He talked about Police Stations closing at 6pm because of security reasons, the rise in Internet fraud especially amongst youths etal and some Nigerians once again spoke up about how he ought to paint the country in a positive light.

Isn't music amongst other things supposed to highlight societal ills?

I agree that we are all entitled to our opinion but I believe the Nigeria Falz sang about is THIS one we live in.

Recall how in 2016 the Prime Minister of the United Kingdim (UK), David Cameron referred to Nigeria as fantastically corrupt?

As if to buttress that statement it was reported on Friday that monies meant for the payment of April salaries for Local Government employees in Kebbi state were reported to have been stolen in June by suspected armed robbers. This is June and they are yet to get April's pay which has now been stolen I wonder what would become of May and even June.

So you see why I am screaming?

THIS IS NIGERIA!

This is Nigeria where elected officials go abroad for medical checks and treatment while health workers go on strike and ordinary citizens die.

This really is Nigeria a country rich in oil yet not economically self reliant.

This is Nigeria where snakes and monkeys swallow and cart away millions of taxpayers monies.

This is Nigeria where thousands seek refuge in Internally Displaced Persons Camps and have to face the rains, cold, heat, mosquitoes and unsanitary environment because they were chased away and had their loved ones killed by Herdsmen.

This is Nigeria where stable power supply is like a Utopian dream even though billions of dollars are reported to have been spent on power.

This is Nigeria where young men and women risk their lives trying to cross the Sahara desert and the Mediterranean Sea in search of greener pastures. They become undignified while trying to find dignity and value for their lives.

This is Nigeria where elected officials empower members of their constituents with shoe polish kits, beverages and noodles, tricycles, frying pans and claypots.

This is Nigeria where getting a visa to relocate abroad - anywhere in particular, is a testimony.

THIS IS NIGERIA!

Stop Being Cheap!

I still remember when a dear friend got married and her husband was to return after their honeymoon to his base - he worked outside the country and plans for her to join him had not been concluded - she cried so much at the airport that he too shed tears but he had to go.
When we spoke later that day, her voice still sounded tearful but I consoled her and then teased her, telling her to be strong even though in my heart I knew if I were the one I would probably have begged to be put in his luggage and smuggled into wherever he is going.

It's the thing about goodbyes, they are never easy to say even though at different points in life, it must be said to either people, places or things little wonder Celine Dion sang 'Goodbye's the saddest word I ever heard'.

Whether it's the loss of a loved one, the end of a relationship, moving to a new place or job or even just having your partner leave for a few days, goodbyes are never easy.

They are however a part of life and are oftentimes necessary for growth and progress.

One thing I have learned about GOODBYEs though is that they are not just for people, places or things but also for habits, mentalities and ways of thinking.

I recall a conversation with a boss I worked with and while we were discussing a particular project and the way it was being handled, he noted that the supervisor in charge of the project wouldn't get the result needed because he was going for 'low hanging' fruits and unwilling to put in work to get quality results.

Long after that conversation and till this day those words still ring in my head, "he is being cheap and going for the low hanging fruits".

I often ask myself sometimes if I too am going for low hanging fruits because sometimes life can test you so much that you are tempted to lower your standards, go with popular opinion and forget your goals without even realizing it.

This is why you need to constantly evaluate and reevaluate yourself, work, relationships, habits and priorities to be sure you are on track and not going for low hanging fruits.

One great way to achieve this is by imbibing the spirit of excellence, resolving to give your best at all times regardless of the circumstances and not pander to emotions and sensibilities.

It is saying to yourself that 'if my name is on it then it can't be mediocre'.

It starts with resolving to do your work with the best of your capabilities, committing to handle your business in the best way possible by using the best products and delivering the best service possible, going the extra mile and generally refusing to settle for or give less than the best.

This wouldn't be an easy thing to do and may be even more difficult to sustain but a great place to start is deciding to stop being cheap.

Stop being cheap and this is not about the price of what you have on or the money spent in acquiring property.

Stop choosing easy over right. Stop lowering your standards with people.
Stop entertaining relationships that no longer serve you.
Stop hanging around people who disrespect you. Stop begging to be valued.
Stop being the boss who wouldn't put in work to ensure his team delivers quality result.
Stop being the vendor that never delivers as promised and falls short of expectations.
Stop being the politician that promises to build bridges even where there are no rivers.
Stop selling your votes.
Stop committing yourself to too many things or people so you don't fail in/with all.
Stop the habits that cause people to lose trust in you.

Do and give your best at your level.

Say goodbye to mediocrity and start seeking only the best so that when you begin to attract the best you will see that sometimes there is really GOOD in GOODBYE.

Sometimes It's Hard To Say Thy Will be Done

I listened intently to the voice of Cece Winans as she sang 'Thy Will be Done' and for the first time I became somehow hyper aware of the meaning of her song.

It was like an eureka moment for me as I had never taken in the meaning of the song and all I could think of is how difficult it is to really let God's will be done. I mean asking for his will and not hoping it will be what I have in mind.

I think it's one of the hardest things to do especially in times when you want to do what your mind - the seat of emotion and intellect, tells you is right. Times when you feel the need to take what you think is rightfully yours in the face of oppression or when you feel the need to defend yourself against violence.

Times like this, when Nigerians are being slaughtered like sheep without value and it seems like nothing is being done and no one is being held accountable, when some innocent citizens are being made to pay for crimes they didn't commit.

It is at times like this that preachers tell congregants to take up arms and defend themselves and fathers buy guns or sharpen their machetes to protect their wives and babies because what used to be movie scenes have become reality. 

Now mothers cry as they helplessly watch their sons and daughters maimed and raped and young men and women willingly brace death in the desert and Mediterranean Sea instead of staying in a country they have lost faith in.

Times when you dare not mention love and peace because the words seems to be the reason for heartless men to continue inflicting terror without resistance.
It is hard to say 'thy will be done' when what you want is your human will to live and not be killed because of your faith, the will to enjoy life in peace and quiet even though the Bible already speaks of the tribulations you will have to endure on earth.

 Jesus Christ taught us to pray 'thy will be done on earth' but when he was faced with death,he had his 'human' moment too as recorded in Matthew 26:42 KJV: 'He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.' But he knew that he was sent to die.

This makes it harder because I do not think it is God's will for me to be killed violently and therefore will not be silent or not act when my life, dignity, work or family is being threatened.

I hope to be able to fully let God's will be done in my life but I wonder if that means embracing the morning sun in the face of danger or death and wholeheartedly saying 'thy will be done'.

That Awkward Moment...To Ask or Not To Ask

'Oh it's a movie I have seen', that was my reaction when I realized the movie I timed to see was actually one I had seen.

'That Awkward Moment', that's the title of the movie and if you are thinking what kind of movie title is this? You are not alone as I thought so too when a colleague first recommended the movie - I had joked about how it sounded like some Nollywood movies with cheesy titles such as 'Where is the love', 'Adanma, the village girl' or 'the return of Igbagaza' where Igbagaza would turn out to be a pot that was lost in some evil forest that comes back to haunt the villagers until a brave young man often an orphan saves the village by destroying the pot and gets the King's only daughter as his wife and the prize for saving the village.

'That Awkward Moment' which stars Zac Efron and Michael Jordan tells the story of three friends who were set on dating casually until they found themselves at the point in a relationship where they had to answer the question...'Where is this going'?

You have probably seen those meme where a girl asks a guy 'so what are we' and the guy responds with 'we are a chosen generation' or 'we are nothing but pencils in the hand of the creator', remember that slogan on works by Wale Adenuga Productions?

Now to the issue of asking about the status of a relationship, it doesn't matter how the question is asked or who asks it, one thing it connotes is a relationship between two people that has not been defined aka one person is being stringed along and he/she has decided to take the proverbial bull by the horn.

It reminds me of conversations my colleagues have had about defining relationships. Some say that defining relationships from the beginning puts the people involved under pressure to 'perform' or 'live up to expectations', as such it'd be best to let things flow until there is need to either keep flowing or just let go.

The opposing argument has always been that if a person values the time and energy that would be spent in a relationship, then it's best defined from the start so they don't get to 'that awkward moment'.
I have listened often with keen interest to the arguments and I think whatever side a person chooses and however you play one thing is certain, there will be 'that awkward moment' where you have to answer the question 'where is this relationship going'?

What do think?

If You Are A Football Fan, Do Not Read This

I had to put a disclaimer as the title of this post so now I can write with a clear 'conchest'.

I do not hate football but I do not watch the game.

I do not watch not because I have not tried, honestly I tried but couldn't understand the running around a field chasing a ball, the anxiety on the part of spectators and the excitement that comes from seeing a ball kicked into a net...I couldn't.

I also do not hate football, how dare I hate a game that unites the world for all of 90 minutes - if there's no extra time - and afterwards causes division amongst members of opposing teams?

How dare I hate a sport whose players earn thousands of pounds weekly while all some of the fans get are bragging rights about which player earns more or who deserves more?

How can I hate a sport that could leave die hard fans depressed or so angry that they lose their appetite because their team lost while the players who are the real partakers hug each other after the game no matter who won or lost?

You see, I cannot hate a sport that some people have killed for or haven't you read the story of a driver who ran over a pedestrian because the said pedestrian was wearing the jersey of the club that just beat his own club?

Talking about 'his own' club, I'm fascinated by the way fans act and talk as if they are part owners of football clubs especially when I hear them personalize victories and losses.

I'm sure you have heard or probably said yourself 'we lost today or we are buying Neymar o'.
The fascination for me stems from the fact that people can feel so connected to a system they are not really part of and cannot really influence. Or do you get to be part of the bargain for which player should be bought by Chelsea?

I do not hate football and have nothing against football fans, in fact I once got a customized Jersey which I wore proudly no matter who was winning or losing and even tried playing football with my colleagues.

You may say life is best lived when we find what we are passionate about and if it is football then one should 'support their club with passion' but I say the game itself is a battle and peace begins when you choose your battles wisely.

Being a Christian In Nigeria

“If Bill Gates were to walk into a Nigerian church and heard every single one of our prayers I bet he would be tempted to think he is God as I’m sure our prayer requests would be about the things we need…food, clothes, cars, houses, material things basically”. The voice of Olakunle Soriyan reeled off as he spoke and the words he spoke hit me to the marrow as it reminded me of conversations I have had one time too many with a few close friends.

I had been invited by a friend to his Church and Olakunle Soriyan, the guest speaker was speaking on renewing our minds as Christians to be able to effect positive change. I was glad that he was talking to Christians and I hoped everyone else saw the truth in his words as I did as my mind drifted to conversations I have had with friends about most Nigerians using God for material gains.

I personally think that most of us do not worship God because we love him and seek a relationship with him but because we need something, someone to hold onto, an elixir for the challenges that we are laden with. I’m in no way undermining the need for God and his ability to do all we want, what I’m saying is that maybe we have been conditioned by our environment – lack of the basic amenities, preachers who sell a God that wants to make you rich overnight and leaders who seem to be in a competition of who can leave the economy worse than they met it – to aspire for the messiah that will turn things around for us and since we seem to have ingrained in us an inability to change our circumstances by first accepting responsibility for the rot we are in, we have to dump it all on God.

I still remember asking a Christiant leader what message we would preach to most billionares who even give to nations including ours, seeing as Pastors sell the message of serving God so he will make you rich.

I have observed also that the major reason some of us fast for many days, do all night prayers, go to mountains to pray and bow down to 'men of God', taking all they say hook, line and sinker is because we have a gaping hunger first for survival and then for better than our ‘heroes past’ have handed to us and not really as a service to God.
If you doubt this, record the testimonies in Church next Sunday, they will be tales of those who got miracle cars, miracle monies, miracle jobs etal, testimonies told not to glorify God but to remind the other congregants that we are no longer in their league.
I am all for serving God and for giving as much as we can but sometimes I wonder if some of us would speak in tongues as loudly as we do, go to church as often as we do or even empty our accounts as willingly as we do (in hopes for a miraculous doubling or even quadrupling of the monies), if we were in a thriving economy with leaders who feel responsible to the people, a country where quality healthcare isn’t scarce or totally elusive and we didn’t have to pray for light and good roads.
If we would first renew our minds through the word, we will be able to shift from being seekers of things to lovers of our neighbours, thinkers, and seekers of knowledge that will effect change and bring the things we now seek.

In The Business of Living

I haven't posted for months and it has not been an intentional act.
I tried to write severally but I couldn't put the thoughts in my head to words.
I would start writing my thoughts and after a while the words just stopped flowing, I guess it's what they call 'writer's block'.
This happened for days which rolled into weeks and then months and now here I am.
Through this time though alot has happened for me and I look forward to sharing it all with you.
I now host two TV shows, a breakfast show which airs on weekdays and a food show that explores different food varieties and their method of preparation.
The intriguing part is that all of these are presented in Pidgin English. I started a career in broadcasting years ago on radio, presenting in the English language and never envisaged myself broadcasting in Pidgin but now you should watch me tear my Pidgin English...correct Warri babe.
Now that I'm back - not like i travelled - I hope to share some of the stories I have heard from guests on the morning show, some of the recipes from the food show, as well as my thoughts on simple issues and I hope that you would share with me too.
So after a long hiatus, I am here again and I plan to be here still in the business of living.