For The Boy Who Taught You What It Means To Love

You stare in disbelief at his phone, you still tell yourself it is a dream. A bad dream that you'd wake up from.

You read through the chats and tears roll down your cheeks. You do not bother wiping your face because your tear glands would only keep producing more tears. They seem to have a mind of their own now, a mind that instructs them to keep the tears flowing.

As you feel the torrent of tears, you shrug. It is what pain does, it leaves you helpless over certain emotions.

As you peruse the chats, your mind drifts to the day when you first saw and held him in your arms. On that day you realized that you'd gotten the definition of love wrong all along. On that day you knew you had found the one you would bleed and die for. And you did bleed on that day.
The day he made you a mother and you learned what it truly means to love.

You see his face now, your first seed and you wonder when and where you missed it. How did you not see the signs? Or weren't there signs?

"When did he lose it?"
You sob as you ask no one in particular.

What you do not know is that he didn't lose it in one day, it was a gradual process. A slow fade.

You recall the first day you dropped him off at school. He cried so much and the teachers said he was a fussy child. You were embarrassed because you wanted him to act like a boy and boys do not just cry but you forgot he was only a baby. A baby does what babies do, cry to express displeasure, pain and host of other emotions. And boys cry too.

You also recall the times he clung to you as you went about your chores. You would shove him and urge him to go play. He would go after failed attempts to get your attention. You thought he was learning independence but now you wish you had held him even if for just a few minutes on those days.

You had bought him exotic toys and even had a small car customised for him. You were willing to give him what you lacked as a child - money and the things it can buy. But you forgot to give him what you didn't lack, the affirmation of love and reinforcement of his self worth.

You recall the day he showed you his paintings, his eyes glistened as he said he wanted to be an artist when he grew up. You reminded him that he would someday run his father's business, he would employ artists and not be one.

You watched him grow into a fine young man. He had his Dad's handsome face but everyone said he was a bit aloof and cocky, like you. You didn't kow that underneath the cocky posterior was a young man begging to be heard and loved.

You and his father had his life planned out and gave little room for him to voice his thoughts or preferences. It was the best for him- or so you both thought.

You recall when he first told you he was in love. He seemed smitten, almost drunk. His eyes lit up when he talked about her, she was the prettiest girl in his class.
You thought he was just happy and in love, you even told his dad he was in love and really happy.

You didn't know that beyond happiness and love, he was holding on to the first woman who gave him attention and made him feel special.

Those were the words in his chat with her as he expressed his love to her. You recall the times you could have hugged him, held him, looked him in the face to let him know you saw him, validated his strengths, extolled his virtues but there was always a meeting, project, course, presentation and your role as mother and wife getting in the way.

You never had anyone dote on you as a child and you turned out fine.

Today as you stare at the chat, you sob heavily. Your little boy was begging for attention from a girl who didn't want him anymore. He told her he would not be able to make it if the only woman who has shown him attention left him.

Why didn't he speak up? Why didn't he talk to you? How would he give so much power to another human being? How did you raise an emotionally and mentally unstable young man?

Questions arise in your head but all you can do is cry because now all you have are memories of your baby boy who took his own life because he was heartbroken.

And you blame yourself because you were too busy trying to care and provide for that you forgot to just love and be grateful for the boy who taught you what it means to love.

A Better Way Of Making Love, Fighting and Being

You stay seated as the speaker asks if anyone else is against abortion and is not yet standing.

As he counts those standing because they are against abortion, you imagine that in a not so distant past, you too would have been standing.

He paints scenarios to those standing asking that they seat if they thought abortion would be okay in those situations.

Some seat and others remain standing because for them even if a daughter is raped and impregnated by her father an abortion is still impermissible. Some people protest because they think those standing against abortion no matter what are being unrealistic.

You watch and you smile because now you know better.

You know better than to judge them for their choices but more importantly you know better than to insist on a right or wrong way to do things.

You have experienced and learned enough to realize that life isn't always in black and white, there are grey areas in-between. Grey areas that may not make sense to you and may hurt your sensibilities but that should be taken into cognizance and tolerated as a mark of respect for other people's humanity.

You have learned that there is always a better way of doing things, of being, of living.

You are now open to opposing views without letting them colour your opinion.

You are now learning not to demean people when you cannot convince them.

You are learning to pay attention as you have learned that it is also a form of kindness. Letting people know that you see them.

You are learning that sometimes saying 'hello' or 'good morning' matters a lot in a world where people take pride in 'not caring' about or knowing their neighbours.

You are becoming deliberate in making friends because you realize that being too busy working to have time for others is not cool or wise because there are hollows that success will not fill.

You are learning to say 'thank you' and 'I'm sorry' because you are learning that it is a mark of true confidence to accept that you need help and can be wrong.

You now gravitate more towards people with whom you do not feel the need to put up an act. People who appreciate the journey you have undertaken to be the person you are and appreciate that more than who you are now, who you are becoming matters too.

People who reside in their truth while striving to be better.

You are learning to be family with those who are not your kin or related to you by blood.

You are opening up to more, now more than ever ready to receive all that life offers.

You are learning to compliment people more without questioning your own attractiveness.

You are learning to be proud of all you have achieved as you remind yourself that better is possible and that everything good will come.

You are learning to see the beauty in variety. You feel freer and better now because you have accepted that no one person knows or has it all.

Most importantly you have come to realize that if one is open and willing they would find that there are better ways of loving, fighting, correcting, convincing...of being beautiful...of making love.

You drift to the present as the argument about abortions, ethics, right and wrong is presented and you smile because you have learned that even when you are convinced of your correctness, there is always a better way of doing and being without compromising.

To Own Your Sexiness, To Own Your Story... To Be Human

To yawn with your mouth open forgetting the simple courtesy of covering your mouth, to make slurps and have your throat gurgle as you drink and swallow because you do not really have control over how your throat accepts the liquid, to fall asleep after a long day too tired to even bath or eat, this is what it means to be human.

To not have the power to control certain reflexes like crying when you really want to be strong or letting them hold you for longer than usual because having another human hold you gives a certain reassurance that you are not alone, this is what it means to be human.

To look a loved one in the face and tell them a lie because you think the truth would hurt, to chide yourself for lying to them but still keeping shut and withholding the truth. To say 'I'm fine' because you fear that appearing vulnerable would be giving away your power, to burst into laughter at times when you are expected to be serious or empathetic because what you have just heard or witnessed is really funny, this is what it means to be human.

To have days where you look at the person(s) who look up to you, throw your hands in the air say 'I do not know what to say or do'.
To feel ashamed, embarrassed, hurt, befuddled, confused, despondent, unhappy and angry, is to be human.

To be human is to be a lot of things and if you live long enough, you will realize that it involves accepting other people's choice/preference even when it makes no sense to you.

To be human is accept that you think thoughts you would be too embarrassed to share with anyone and even do things you have criticized. To think you might not measure up, fit in, stand out, be accepted, achieve your goals, make a difference, is to be human.

To forge on in spite of your fears trusting that come what may you would be fine, to try one more time while nursing the bruises sustained from your last fall, to wake up everyday telling yourself 'today is the day it will turn around', to not give up against the odds, to block out the voices of naysayers, is to be a better human.

To give yourself the chance to grow, learn from your mistakes, accept chastisement, be grateful to those who choose you in spite of your shortcomings, is to be a better human.

To let yourself feel joy, love, pain, disgust and discontent. To accept betrayal, disappointment and failure without losing faith in yourself and humanity. To own your beauty, intelligence, sexiness, flaws and your story.

To know that you are on a journey designed for you, on a path custom made to lead you to the place for you. To be able to after a long day, heave a sigh at dusk and retire with hope and gratitude in your heart, is to be the best human you can be.