When It's Time To Vote, Choose You First - Before Any Party

The nation is agog with talk about the just concluded gubernatorial election in Osun state. The votes have been cast, a winner has been declared and everyone seems to have an opinion.
As I watched the announcement of the results, many parties had 0 votes and my mind drifted to a totally different issue.

I thought, what if a vote had to be cast about my life? What if men were to decide my fate - succeed or fail? What if it were up to mortals to decide whether I live or not? If it were up to people would I be here today? Would I be happy?

I honestly wouldn't answer yes to that. I honestly think if it were up to man, I would be long forgotten.
I am currently listening to Kirk Franklin's 'My life is in your hands', it's like an anthem for me and is a sure mood booster any day anytime. After all what alternative is there to God?

So let me ask you this and I need you to think deeply before you answer.

What if it were really up to man to decide your happiness quotient? What if a vote had to be cast about your life?

I am sure most people would not even bother showing up to vote, some others would vote against you just because they can while some others who may have voted for you would cast against you because everyone else is.
Only a few would stick with the decision to vote for you and go the extra mile see to it that their vote counts.

It is why you should never let anyone wield power over you. The only vote that really counts is yours.

You should appreciate the people in your life, some of whom may open you up to new levels of loving and living and bring you happiness like you never thought possible.
Still you shouldn't let them wield power over you. You should love people for love's sake and not because you need their validation. You should choose people who are good for your soul and not just to please others because it is in God's hands your life and fate lies.

He is the one before all others, the wind beneath your wings and his glory shouldn't go to anyone.

So keep the power and make sure that when it's time to vote, you choose you. No one should wield that power but you - and God.

Do This Daily For Growth

What will you do today to be better? Are you making progress? Are you growing?

Take time to ponder on these questions and answer honestly.
If your answer is yes, great. If not, great. If you answered yes it is great because you are on the path of progress and if no it is also great because you have the opportunity to start on the path of progress.

As 2018 began, I wrote down the things I wanted - they became prayer requests.
As I prayed, I also thought of the ways to get what I wanted. I wrote out a list of things to do, habits to drop and people to let go of as well as a list of people to let in to get the things I wanted.

We are approaching the last quarter of 2018 and while I am yet to get all I wanted at the start of the year, I have ticked most off my list. I will tick all off by the time this year ends because I will be intentional in my actions and most importantly because I am a Woman of faith.

Through the journey I have learned that growth is not accidental. Growth does not just happen to you, it requires careful planning and action. Growth does not come by wishing or just thinking, it is intentional.

So if you will make progress you must find out how you can, what you should do and then take action. You may not get it all at once but you would be better as you get on your journey and that's what's most important - who you become on the journey of growth.

Today ask yourself and answer honestly, what have I done to become better at my job, school, career, business and in my relationship with friends, family and God?
If you feel like you have fallen short, do not be discouraged because you can start today. It could be reading one chapter of a book daily, writing more, rehearsing/training more, praying more to become more.
Like I read about Femi Kuti who holds rehearsals daily - that's a lot of work and the results speak volumes.

The truth is that the growth process may be slow or even not evident at first but if you keep getting better, it will soon become evident to all.
No great business, career, relationship, personality, marriage or life happens by accident, it requires effort and dedication.

There's a lot in store for you but you must be equipped to get it - it starts with personal development and commitment.

It starts with you.

Isio's Trial

Isio stood firmly in shock as she heard the Judge's gavel hit the desk.

He had just read out the verdict, his sentence, sealing her fate...or so she thought?

As he stood the court rose with him and she turned to look at them...Judge and Jury

She watched in awe as he strode out of the court room, he paused briefly to look at her and walked on.

Then she felt the tears welling up and she knew there was nothing she could do...today they would flow.

Today, she who remained unbreakable through the harshest times and dusted off hurtful words would cry.

Today she who never let the opinion of others weigh her down would cry.

And as she watched the Judge walk out she wondered how easily things change. Yesterday she was the beloved today she is the accused.

Who would defend her?

Then she turned to the Jury, scanning their faces, they beamed with smiles as they basked in the euphoria of their victory.

They had finally gotten to her, she who seemed larger than life and remained unbroken had been broken - or so they thought.

Isio looked on in disbelief as she tried to take it all in, the scenery, her new reality...or was it not? 

Everything and everyone seemed so unfamiliar.

The Jury cheered but their joy was only short lived because....

Then he reached out to her...

She felt his gentle tap on her shoulder and as she turned, she smiled.

She should have known all along that he was with her on this journey and that's all that mattered.

He took her hands and held her in his arms...his embrace felt like life itself, life she desperately needed.

As Isio heaved against his chest, he whispered softly in her ears and for a moment nothing else mattered...but his words

He said those words again, slowly and reassuringly - "you are not what they say you are. You are the one that can't be contained, the light that can only beam brighter."

"You are untouchable because You are mine." 

Whose report would she believe but his?

She wiped her eyes and when she looked around again, she saw what she should have seen earlier - a crowd of ninnies.

This Judge's verdict should never have mattered. His opinion shouldn't count.

All she needs is he whose arms now hold her and all he has in store...all she wants is for his Grace to shine on her path.

And because she has him, she has all she would ever need.

The prison wardens made to take hold of her but he warded them off.

He held her hand and as they strutted out of the courtroom she held her head high - the future beckoned!

I Met A Man Who Showed Me What I Should Never Lose

"I like women more than money o, in fact I can give everything up for you." He said as he smiled widely. 

'I can't trust a man like that o', I retorted laughing. 

"But seriously, you are very fine o. I can do anything for you walahi" he said in an unmistakable Hausa accent and as I saw the gleam in his eyes, I smiled.

I studied him to be sure it was the same person who just shared the story of how he found out he had HIV and how he had been living with the virus. I couldn't help but admire his audacity, his zest and his hope.
We chatted for a few minutes before I left his office. 

I am currently working on a report about the plight of HIV victims in Nigeria and that's how I met him and his colleague. They are both HIV positive and provide support for other HIV positive patients. They have their challenges but seem more energetic than most people I know and as I pondered on my time with them (we had interview sessions on government's response to the fight against AIDS and their experiences), I realised that the worst thing a person can lose isn't health, money, people or status.

The worst thing to lose is HOPE.

You may lose everything and everyone but if have hope then you can gain them again but if you lose hope, how will you even find the strength to start again?

I have read a lot of books about some of the world's greatest people and learned that at some point in their lives they hit rock bottom but because they had hope they found the strength to start all over.

That's what hope does. It strengthens you, sets a fire in your heart that keeps you warm even on the coldest days and helps you move from failure to failure with enthusiasm.

The young men I spoke to are both married with children who are HIV negative. While some people have ended their lives because they found out they had HIV, these men are thriving, succeeding and building others up. They are spreading hope by providing a family for people who may have been rejected by their families.

That's what you should do too. You must hold onto hope, let it get you through your dark days and go on to give light by being the light.

God's promise to us is that his thoughts for us are thoughts of peace to give us hope and a future - let this spur you on.

It will not be an easy journey but no matter how hard things are, it only becomes worse when you lose hope.

Your situation is not hopeless until you become hopeless.

The worst thing that can happen to you is for you to give up on yourself so keep faith and keep trying because if you hold on long enough, everything good will come.

The Thin Line Between Heartbreak And Death

It is the legendary Celine Dion that sang about 'The Power of Love' - I'm listening to her as I write this.

Let me tell you a story about love - this will be a long one, so brace up.

Love is powerful. It is like a drug. It can make a well person sick and make a sick person well. It can break or make anyone.

I have read that a person in love feels the same way as one who has taken a drug as such when a person's heart is broken they are said to experience what is akin to drug withdrawal syndromes - protest, crying spells, anxiety, sleep disturbances (sleeping way too much or way too little), loss of appetite or binge eating, irritability and chronic loneliness.
I also read that lovers also relapse the way addicts do. That is why long after the relationship is over, events, people, places, songs associated with an ex can trigger memories.

Love is so powerful that it can make you change your priorities and daily habits to accommodate your beloved. You may do inappropriate, dangerous, or extreme things to remain in contact with or impress them - it is the power of love.

One thing about love also is that it is not something that is planned. It happens to you and I guess it's why it's termed 'falling in love' because nobody plans to fall else you would wear your safety armoury, to protect yourself.
A child who isn't being watched may fall off a bed/chair, buildings fall, planes fall, cars fall into ditches and none of these is ever planned. Falls bruise and leave scars but the thing about love is that when you fall, it catches you and holds you up. 

That's why the worst thing that can happen to a person that 'falls' in love, is to not be caught or to be let go midway - some people never recover from the scathing wounds inflicted from such a fall.

This is what happened to my friend.

I will call her Oma for the purpose of this post. Oma and I lost contact for a while and when we met again, as expected we recalled all that had happened while we were apart. That was when my very dear friend shared her story with me.

Oma was very happy living her life when she met Theo (not his real name either).
He came into Oma's life like a hurricane and everyone decided this had to be it. Theo proposed after a few months, they had the introduction ceremony done, started with plans for their wedding and all was well until he started changing. Theo stopped taking Oma's calls and messages for a while and found reasons to evade her. After about 2 weeks calling him persistently, he dropped the bomb - he couldn't continue with the wedding plans anymore as he didn't want the marriage.
Oma cried, pleaded and apologised even though she didn't know what was wrong but Theo stood his ground.

That was the beginning of the end for Oma my dear friend.
She cried for weeks, cut off everyone, did so badly at work that she was asked to take sometime off. She would stay in her room, refused to eat, left her hair undone and was just a shadow of herself. Few days after she returned to work, she was sacked for non-performance/negligence.

This made things worse.

Her mum cried and watched helplessly as Oma slipped away - the heart break and humiliation had broken her. Days turned into weeks and months and her birthday came.

On the eve of her birthday her mum walked into her room, sat on the bed, held her hand and told her she was happy to just have her alive. She went on to remind her that if Theo walked, someone who would love her more than she ever imagined would come and reminded that her family still loved her. 

After the talk her mum prayed with her, recalled fond memories from her childhood, wished her a happy birthday and left. What her mum didn't know is that Oma had decided to commit suicide and the drugs she bought were under her pillow.

She had planned to end it all on her birthday.

As her mum walked out, Oma cried and for the first time in months she prayed. She prayed for strength as she thought she couldn't go on anymore.
The next morning, she woke up with renewed strength and for the first time in months she wore makeup and dressed up. She treated herself to breakfast at a nice restaurant, went to the salon to have her hair and nails done and proceeded to the Cinema where she saw two movies.
She returned home late in the evening and joined the rest of the family for dinner - everyone was surprised but kept quiet. 

Oma began to live again.

She said her mum's words gave her strength as she realized her family would be heartbroken and distraught if she took her life and so she decided to just try - again.

She is married now to man that unashamedly worships the ground she walks on and her mother still doesn't know that she was close to committing suicide.
Weeks to her wedding Theo called to apologize. He said he didn't know what came over him and asked that they work things out again. Can you imagine? 

This story tells us how love can make or break. Oma's world fell apart when the one she loved walked away but it came back together when the one who loved her refused to let go. 

Love lifted her.

I shared this story for three reasons:
1. Love is beautiful and never fails. It is people that abuse love.
2. If you feel broken right now remember that life is still worth living and there's so much more ahead - if you dare to hold on and try again.
3. Someone close to you may be close to ending it all, be sensitive and be there for them.

It's a thin line between heartbreak and death but it's still a line that you do not have to cross.

Remember that love never fails, it is people who do.

Learning To Walk On Water

Have you ever imagined holding a robust, healthy snake by its tail while it is 'strolling'?
Most people including me would flinch, turn and run but I know one man who did it.

His name is Moses.

Moses faced his fear when he picked up a live snake and he won.
The greatest enemy of a man is fear and this fear more often than not is in his mind. You are what your what mind tells you and will do what your mind says you can.

It's as the great Henry Ford said, "whether you think you can or you can't you are right."

It is not as easy as said but it is what it is - your mind is powerful enough to start or stop you. The fear that holds us back exists no where else but in our minds.

For the past days I have had the song 'No Longer Slaves' by Jonathan David and Melissa Helser on replay and it has done so much to my mind.
Slaves are slaves because they are labeled by their fellow men and they grow up reechoing that which they have been told.

It's like the Osu caste system practiced in some parts of Igbo land.

A child is labeled an Osu (outcast) just because he is from a particular lineage, he grows up knowing he is not a Diala (free born) and doesn't bother about mixing with/marrying the free born simply because he has been told that - he is a victim of the information fed his mind.
His mind accepts it, he tells his children the same thing and his generation's fate is sealed.

You may say we can't fight culture but culture was made for man and not man for culture and the day that changes your life is the day you decide that you can be anything you want, deserve to have all you desire and decide to work for it.

It is as Mark Twain said "the two most important days in a man's life are the days he is born and the day he finds out why."

That is what happened to Moses - and Peter, but I'll share Peter's story later.

You may know the story of Moses, the Prince of Egypt who turned his back on royalty.

Moses knew there was more to all he had been exposed to, he knew his true identity was not what society had fed him and he went all out to discover himself and his purpose.

God was proud, so proud that he decided to have him deliver the Israelite from Pharoah but God knew there was more to the task than a determination to live differently.
He knew he had to delete the fear files in Moses before he could embark on the task.
I mean, Egypt was the world power at the time, had all the magic available and wielded it proudly. So anyone going up against them had to come correct. 

That's why God had him face one of the greatest challenges I'm sure any man who hasn't been trained would have to face - picking up a live snake.

He renewed Mosesv mind by feeding him new information, exposing him to a different reality and showing him what is possible.
I'm sure Moses had his fears too but he remembered that it was God - the one who calls himself 'I am that I am' - who instructed him to, so he simply obeyed. 

Today the story of Israel will not be complete without Moses' name.

Now lets talk about Peter.

He saw Jesus Christ walking on water and dared to try. Guess what happened?

Peter did walk on water.

He killed his fear, saw a different reality and for a moment walked in the same league as Christ.

So who told you that you are not enough? Who sold the idea that certain people are out of your league and therefore not for you? Who placed the label you are known with on you? Who says you have to live like everyone else in your family? Who says you can't break out and carve a niche for yourself?

Moses dared to walk out on his background and while he was carving a path, God found him. So if God has called you to be a pace setter why are you holding back?
If you are sure you heard his voice why let fear of what might be hold you back?

It is your father, the one who made you and loves you more than anyone else that has put that dream in your heart and you must trust him enough to pursue that dream because so many other destinies are dependent on yours. There's too much at stake so let nothing, not the voice of your family, friends, foes or the voice in your head stop you.

If you cannot fulfill your purpose where you are, move. You are not a tree.

You are a child of God - let that sink in and maybe you will see that it is possible.

You were made to walk on water so stop standing by the shore.

Put your feet in, raise your head high, fix your gaze on the one who called you and walk on.

The world will jeer at first, maybe even discourage you or call you names but before long, if you dare to keep your gaze on God, your fears will drown and the world will have no choice but cheer as you walk on water.

It wouldn't be an easy ride but you will make it through.

Know that there's so much on the other side of fear but you must first dare to walk on water.

Will You Remember: A Lover's Plea

If tomorrow you wake up in the arms of another, will you remember?

If someday you look in another's eyes and see what you once saw in mine, will you remember?

When you hold their hand and promise to never let them go, will you remember?

When you talk with them till the wee hours of the morning about your plans for the future, will you remember?

If you walk down the aisle with someone else, as he uncovers your veiled face will you remember? 

Will you remember the one who fell helplessly for you?

Will you remember the one who loved you in spite of your imperfections?

Will you remember that I once held you in my arms and shared my dream of our lives together with you?

Will you remember the one who danced with you in the rain and nursed you when you were ill?

Will you look back and remember the one who would have stood by you through any battle?

I hope you do but even if you don't I will stay content with having you as mine for now.

I will remember that today, it is I who get to love you.

I will love you with my best self but if tomorrow we part, will you remember?

As You Wait, Make It Count

I am no stranger to waiting.

I had to wait nine months to be born, trust me it was both exciting and scary because I couldn't wait to see the world but wasn't also sure how the world would receive me.
Turns out I shouldn't have been apprehensive as the world jubilated when I came, but I cried. I was both petrified and overwhelmed.

Since that time, I have had to wait for a lot of things. 

As a child I waited excitedly for Christmas and anticipated rocking my special hairdo, wearing my dress and of course there's the food - I'm still excited about Christmas.

I have had to wait for results of examinations which has been the determinant of my educational advancement.

I have had to wait on queues - at the ATM, banking hall, hospital, restaurant and even at Church.

I have waited for events to start and end. I have had to wait for wounds to heal, I have to wait to meet people. I have to wait for responses to requests and applications made.
I am still waiting for a lot of things and will still wait for so many things while I live.

I am sure you too are no stranger to waiting, you have had to wait at different points in your life and are probably still waiting for something or someone.
The thing about waiting is that it is inevitable and it is never easy.
Another thing also is that sometimes the waiting period is definitive like the woman who knows in nine months she'll become a mother or the student that knows after four years he will become a graduate.
At other times it isn't definitive like waiting for that big break/promotion in your career or business, or waiting to get pregnant - this part isn't always easy as you may feel helpless and sometimes despondent and frustrated.

One thing I have learned is that while you may not be able to determine how long your wait will be, you can make the waiting period count and this is dependent on what you do during the wait.

So how can you make your wait count?

I have learned that it is by making the most of the waiting period.

A woman waiting to birth her baby, spends nine months planning and preparing for the child and does all she is told by her Doctor to ensure she and the baby are healthy.

A student waiting to be admitted into school, spends the waiting time reading and preparing.

An artiste waiting for the one song that would give him recognition, keeps writing and recording till he gets that one hit song.

If you have ever picked up a book to read while waiting for your flight to be announced, to see the doctor or even before that time out with friends, then you know about making the wait count.
This isn't about the book but about getting knowledge and making the time productive.

If you have done a job that isn't really what you want to do ultimately while waiting for the job you desire, then you are making the waiting period count.
It's as Shonda Rhimes said "do something until you can do something else".

Get positive experience while you wait because experience will serve you. I have learned that no experience is useless, you either win or learn.

It's as Tatiana Manaois sang "you gotta get up and make a move cos the world will never see you till you do - just know that you're not alone".

Make the most of what you have while waiting for what you want.

When you lose hope don't sink the boat.

Keep rowing, keep knocking, keep asking, keep seeking knowledge, experiences & relationships.

Keep walking, keep talking about what you want, keep your dream, keep your head up, take care of yourself and make this wait count.

Sharing The Cost Of The Bride Price

Is it okay for a man to share the cost of the bride price with his bride?

Let me rephrase.

If the cost of the bride price is high, should the bride or his friends contribute?

And no, this isn't about me...inugo?

So this is why I am asking.

A colleague was whining about how he had been added to a Whatsapp group by a friend who was helping another friend plan his wedding.

Apparently the groom needed help with finances and his friend helped set up a 'wedding committee' to assist.
You would probably think the 'committee members' would be assisting in planning the wedding or taking charge of duties on the wedding day but that isn't the aim.
Their duty is to contribute monies to help pay for the bride price and other things.
The group was set up for these 'committee members' to keep tabs on each other and give progress report about their payment.

I was taken aback.

Were these committee members there when the groom met his bride? Did they all date her? Were they there when he fell in love? Did they ask him to propose? Did they pick the wedding date? Why should they bear the brunt of the bride price? Is she a community bride? A wife for the public?

I looked at my colleague and the only thing I wanted to say was maybe you need a new set of friends but because I knew it wouldn't be nice, I asked instead 'What is the bride doing about the cost of the bride price and the ceremony? Shouldn't they cut their coat according to their cloth?'

His response almost got me saumasaulting.

"The bride doesn't even know my friend doesn't have the money. That would be falling his hand." He said.

At that point my mouth was agape.

So opening up about the true state of your finances to a person you plan to be with for the rest of your life is'falling one's hand'. Who knew?

I immediately felt pity for the bride because she would eventually find out that her husband wasn't entirely honest especially when they spend the first year of their marriage paying debts.

The groom in question probably wants to protect his bride from the stress of worrying about finances but he has in the process exposed her and their relationship to his friends. He may also be trying to be a 'man' about it and protecting his ego, now his friends are contributing against their will.

So where should the line be drawn between protecting one's ego and being completely honest with a partner especially when you are certain that the rest of your life will be with them?

Should friends be made to pay for their friend's decision to get married?

Now I ask again, is it okay for a man to share the cost of the bride price with his bride? Would that be unacceptable?
Would it have been so bad if this groom had asked his bride for support or at least let her know he may not be able to foot the bill for her bride price? Would it make him seem incompetent and not ready?
If the bride can afford it, should the groom ask her support or would that hurt his pride and mar their relationship?
And if she isn't contributing should she not know the state of things?
Is it okay to marry a person you can't be honest with about the state of your finances?
Do you have any experience you want to share?

Having Sex Is Easy, Getting Naked Is The Hard Part

I listened intently as he spoke.

"Okiemute that girl is crazy, really crazy. Do you know we had sex the same day we met?"

I looked at him askance. How was I supposed to know?
He paused and when I said nothing he went on. "It was at my cousin's wedding."
I said nothing still and he continued. "She is a great girl but mehn, she isn't really what I want."
That's when I spoke up.
"Was is not just a month ago you met her? Or is it not the same girl you called your last bus stop?"
"Hmmm" He said.
'And just like that she isn't what you want?' I asked.
"Ehen na. We have talked a lot and to be fair to her, she has been really open to me. So I know." He retorted.
I sighed.
'You know? Oh well, then you should let her go now cos it will hurt more if you string her along.'
"How do I tell her? That's the issue." He said.
'How? Are you really asking me?'
I knew my irritation was evident in my voice, so I took a deep breath and continued.
'You had sex before you got naked and now you can't stand her nakedness so you should let her know.'
"I don't understand all this grammar you are speaking." He said.
'If she has been open then you should know how to talk to her. She may not even be taking this as seriously as you think and if you say she is crazy because you had sex the first day, then you are too or was it forced?'
He brightened when I said that and in my head I thought 'Goodluck bro'.

"I will let you know how it goes." He said.
As the Video call ended, I pondered on our conversation, recalling his excitement the day he told me he had met the girl of his dreams and was in love - the sex must have been great.

That was really about a month ago and now he wasn't sure anymore. The love had disappeared and the dream was over, just like that.
He fell in love with her after sex but now cannot deal with the reality of being with her.

As I thought about this, the truth of a statement I always tell myself dawned on me. 

'Having sex with a person is easy, the hard part is getting naked, letting them see you as you are. Exposing your flaws, insecurities, weaknesses and inadequacies is the risky part.'

In the heat of passion anyone can look attractive and even perfect but after the passion fades and you see the flab on the tummy, the stretch marks, the scars, they may become undesirable.

Have you tried being naked with a person?

I am not just talking about 'nakedness' in its literal sense, but opening up about who you really are beyond your clothes, makeup, body, job, title, property etal.

It's as John Legend sang in 'All of Me' when he said 'all of me loves all of you, all your curves and edges'. 

Sometimes when we say we love people, it is the side of them we see that we love and not all of them so when their edges cut us, we flinch, turn and run. 

But this isn't what love should be about.

Love in its purest form ought to embrace the object of its affection with a fierce determination to never let go come what may.
Love knows the beloved is imperfect but chooses them.
Love sees what the rest of the world may never see and still stays.

Still it is hard to get naked.

I guess it is why we see celebrities who seem to have it all together unable to keep relationships. I am sure it is because people see stars and not human beings and so when they realize these people are flawed, they are 'disappointed' and leave.

But then, it is the little things about us, the details of our experiences that make us and until we can share those with the people in our lives, we will never be sure of our place with them and vice versa.

Its like the line from West Life's 'Flying Without Wings' that says 'it's the little things that only I know, those are the things that make you mine'.

It's why most people who have lost relationships because they shared certain secrets go into new relationships determined to hide their secrets.

It's as they say "once bitten, twice shy", and because we may never know how the people in our lives will react when we strip and bare it all, the best we can do is let them see bits and pieces of us in hopes that they still love us when they finally get to meet us. 

And I do hope that you find the courage to get naked and let them meet you regardless of the consequences.

Today, I Hope You Remember

People forget.

This is what a former boss used to say. He would say this to me when a staff misbehaved or seemed to be taking their job for granted.

He would say 'People forget' and proceed to tell me how same people were desperate for an opportunity to work before they got employed. He would share their story to buttress the fact that they had forgotten how they desperately desired the job they now treat with disdain.

Over time, I have come to see the truth in his words, people really forget.

A man after a while may forget how he was once willing to walk through fire to get the attention of his lover and may begin to treat her shabbily.

A student who forgets the times he prayed and desired an admission into school soon begins to miss classes.

A woman who forgets the days she prayed for a family soon begins to whine about how she wants to get away from it all.

People forget but most times it isn't because they set out to. Sometimes it's because they get complacent or lose interest in what they once thought they couldn't do without and sometimes its because life's challenges can be really overwhelming.
Whatever the reason, it can be dangerous to forget because as they say you never realize the value of what you have until you turn one day and realize that it's gone.

So today I hope you remember.

I hope you remember the days you prayed for what you now have.

I hope you look at your children and see the blessings you once desired instead of responsibilities.

I hope you think of your job and remember that you are adding value or at least remind yourself what it feels like to be jobless.

I hope you remember to not take the people in your life for granted.

I hope you remember that you matter and there are people who would suffer if you are not here.

I hope you remember God and all that he has done for you.

And on the days when you feel dissatisfied and disgusted, pause and remember that it could have been worse.

When you find yourself forgetting, cautiously remember to appreciate what you have while waiting for what you desire.

It is easy to forget, it is easy to feel dissatisfaction, it is easy to feel entitled but it is also easy to let that feeling of disgust fuel you to do and be more.

So today stop, pause and remember to never forget. 

Karoyovwe! Cheta!

Photo Credit: novimpact.com

Kissing, Dancing, Living - Life Is An Art

I recall seeing a short video years ago titled 'The Art of Kissing'.

It was meant to teach how to kiss and showed just lips. The lips first seemed hesitant to lock and touched briefly, like one does when testing new waters and then gradually worked their way till they got comfortable to use their tongues.

I liked it and put it up as my Blackberry Display Picture (BBM DP) at the time but most people said I was crazy, "Okiemute which one is this again?" "This is intense o" blah, blah, blah but I'm sure they watched it over and over again - it was that good.

I learned then that kissing is an art but with time I have learned that all life is art and not just kissing.

Art in this context is skill attained by study, practice or observation.
Everything we do is art because they require study, practice or observation.

A baby suckling his mother's breast soon learns that the nipple should go in his mouth and not his nose, he also learns that even that isn't enough as he has to suckle for milk to come out - that's an art, the art of suckling.

We are taught how to hold cutlery and even how to chew and behave when dining. It is called dining etiquette and it's an art.

You have probably bought books or other materials that promise to teach you how to be a better sales person, how to toast that girl, how to win friends and influence people, how to get that job, how to make love, how to stop procrastination, how to make more money, how to cook and even the art of war - that's you striving to learn and master these arts.

We seek training or watch people eat, bath, pick and style clothes, dress up, greet, walk, dance, talk, sing, work and even fight so as to learn the 'art'.

So you see, living is an art and requires intentionality. We ought to therefore come to this great stage called life with a willingness to give it our best and do it cautiously and consciously.

We ought to resolve to master the art of living by going with life's ebb and flowing with its tides of joy, achievements and grief and pursue excellence in all we do.

It's as a quote I once read says, “The master of the art of living makes little distinction between his work and his play, his labor and his leisure, his mind and his body, his education and his recreation, his love and his religion. He hardly knows which is which; he simply pursues his vision of excellence in whatever he does, leaving others to decide whether he is working or playing. To him he is always doing both“.

Life is the greatest art of all and really great artists find a way to master this art by living with awareness, knowing when to hold on and when to let go and above all giving themselves a chance to evolve.

So whether you are kissing, eating, dancing or fighting, do it with intention and make the most of the moment.

Test the waters, learn from your mistakes, grow with each experience...and repeat till you master the art of living.

Photo Credit: NYCdanceproject.com

The Easiest Way To Break A Heart

I ducked as I saw him.
He was standing by his car and I wasn't sure if he was leaving soon. I stood where I was sure he wouldn't see me so I could watch him.

I had gone to shop but I contemplated leaving or waiting till I was sure he was gone. I decided to wait and before long he left. I felt bad about hiding and one would think I am a fugitive or that I'm indebted to him but it is me paying for my friend's sin.

I am avoiding a man I would have greeted cheerfully only weeks ago before he found out my friend was seeing someone else. Now we are all his enemies because he thought we knew all along.

I still recall the look on her face the day she broke the news to me. Her boyfriend had found out about the new man in her life and when he thought she would apologize and ask his forgiveness, she told him she wanted out.

She cried as she spoke "he was good to me really and deserves better but I couldn't even pretend to be sorry. I feel so terrible, I should have listened to you."
I looked on and said nothing.
"What do you think I should do now?" She asked.
I shrugged, "You didn't do what you should have done. Now you have to focus on your new relationship and if you think this still isn't it, leave honorably. He may be hurt but really there's no easy way to break a heart."

I had this conversation with my friend weeks ago, today I am hiding from her ex because I am yet to muster the courage to face him. Would I smile and ask if he is well when I know he isn't?
I had warned, encouraged & threatened her but eventually let her be because she was waiting for the 'right time' to call off a relationship she was done with.

This isn't me saying we should pick and drop people as we please like Warren Barfield sang in 'Love is not a fight', love is not a place to come and go to as we please, it requires a commitment to make it work and sometimes demand that we lock the door behind us, throwaway the keys and work it out together.
Love is something to be fought for but oftentimes we get to a point in relationships where we know there is no future in it for us and instead of letting go we hold on.

Sometimes it's the fear of the unknown especially if we have put in years and are not sure of what the future holds. It's as people say about the devil one knows being better than the angel one doesn't know but it is even better to dine alone than to dine with the devil.

Sometimes it's because we pity the other person and do not want to hurt their feelings but it's better to let them go than string them along till they find out - then you do not just hurt but shatter them. 

Sometimes it is a result of selfishness, wanting to eat your cake and have it. So you stay until you get your plan B, a new relationship.

Sometimes it is because we fear what people might say and sometimes it is because we know that the love we have isn't enough to sustain the relationship, other factors may be missing. 

Whatever the reason you give there is nothing honorable in holding onto a relationship you do not want anymore.
Nothing will justify stringing a person along when you know you want nothing with them. You may pretend to still like them but as has been said, the heart wants what it wants and it has nothing to do with logic so eventually you will have to bell the cat.

They may call you names, plead for another chance or even threaten you but you must remember that pain can make a person irrational.

So if you ever get to a point in a relationship where you know you want out, please leave so that your friends will not pay for your sins by avoiding the person you hurt.

There is no easy way to say 'I don't want this relationship anymore.'

The easiest way to break a heart is to let it fall when it trusts that you would hold it because you are waiting for the right time to say it is no longer safe in your hands.

An Ode To The One Who Holds My Heart

This is to the one who holds my heart.

The one who calls me blameless and faultless.

You who see a girl deserving of love when you look at me.

You have orchestrated my life's journey.

You called me by name long before I was born and have all my days written.

The author of my life, redeemer, saviour and friend.

The one who's always available and for whom distance and time is no barrier.

There is no alternative to you.

The one to whom I owe my loyalty because long after people come and go you will remain.

The one who specializes in doing the impossible and takes delight in surprising me.

You would never use me or ever betray my trust.

You are goodness personified, the embodiment of love.

You whose mercy makes me unashamed to run into your arms.

You see my heart and know my thoughts before I mouth them.

My future is past tense to you, the seeds of my womb are known to you even now.

You know my weakness and still love me with an everlasting love.

No one will ever take your place because your position is uncontestable.

Best cannot describe you because you are better than that.

The shepherd and lover of my soul.

The one who takes care of me.

A God that can't be seen but who's work is visible.

Elegbete! Oviero'de! Oghener'ovwegba!

This is for you my Father and my God.

What's Wrong With Being a Queen?

'Thank you for being a gentleman' I said as he gestured for me to stand in front of him as we made to cross the road saying "Ladies first".

He laughed as he said "you are welcome" and I added "I really appreciate acts of Chivalry. I like it when a man is chivalrous and I don't think it shows I'm weak as a woman."

"That's interesting" he said and added, "most women these days make it seem like there's a war and I think it shows insecurity."

The Sunday service had just ended and we (my colleague whom I had gone to Church with, and I) were walking to the car park across the road when the conversation started.

We paused to say hello to a few people and as we got into the car, I brought up the conversation again. 'So you were saying you think it shows insecurity on the part of women who seek equality?' I asked

"Not equality. What some feminists claim to be fighting for is funny. Imagine some women asking that females in the Police force be addressed as 'Policemen' just like their male counterparts. Like being called a Policewoman makes you any less effective than your male counterpart"

'Is there an argument about that?' I asked.

He nodded, "Of course, they are everywhere on Social media and you begin to wonder if they are at war with men." I told him found it ridiculous.

'What's wrong with being a Queen? I asked. 'A Queen is the female leader in a Monarchy just as a King is the male leader in a Monarchy. It's just like when some women call themselves Kings. A woman can never be a King just as a man can never be a Queen, they are titles given to each gender. It will be folly for the Queen of England for example to say she wants to be called a King just to prove her strength. She already wields power because she is the head of the British Monarch.' It was me speaking.

"Exactly. I think it reeks of inferiority and low self esteem to want to be called what you are not. In fact it is you giving whatever power you seek to take" He said and added "I think it's the devil out to destroy the family unit."

'I think it's not about feminism but anti-womanhood. These are women who hate the fact that they are women because they think it makes them inferior to men and it could be about experiences they had growing up.' I said as I nodded.

We talked about how some women may have derailed in the fight for equal treatment as men. This is a conversation I have had one time too many.
I have read about women who threatened to withdraw their children from school because the teacher taught them that the Father is the head of the home. I always assume that their mentality resulted from having an absentee father or partner as I doubt that a woman in a healthy relationship with the father of her child(ren), a woman who is happy and loved would say that. I may be wrong though.

I recall the social media drama that ensued when some Nollywood actresses who are separated from their husbands wished themselves 'Happy Father's day' this last Father's day. One got a reply from the father of her son. He asked why she would write that when he is fully involved in the child's life. She had to apologize.
I imagine the confusion the children will grow up in not knowing whether Mummy is Mummy or Daddy. 

You may not agree but I think it takes real confidence to accept your role as a woman and not feel threatened by a man or see the need to argue for superiority. Respect isn't gotten by drawing swords and threatening blood.

As a woman, whether you are raising your kids by yourself or not, you are a Mum and there is nothing wrong with being just 'Mummy'.
Gender equality isn't about declaring war against men or making comparisons every chance we get. It is not about raising our girls to think of men as the enemy/usurper.
It is about seeking equal opportunities for both our sons and daughters while still letting them be their authentic selves.
It is letting them know that their strength doesn't lie in their physical capabilities or genders but in their minds.
They can take on the world if they dare and their gender wouldn't matter.

Darling girl, being a Queen is enough.

Do not make yourself a victim of your mind or other people's ideologies, adjust your crown and own your place.

It All Comes Down To Love

"You have everything it takes to achieve your dreams. Your past doesn't matter, your future will be great and your path is paved of God. You are beautiful." She said in response to what I told her.

At that point I turned to my colleague who was by my right hand side, looked him in the eyes and said 'Everything you desire will come to pass, you are valuable regardless of the mistakes you may have made. God is on your side and he will grant your heart's desire.'

He responded with "What is ahead of you is better than what you started with. Just like Job your latter will be greater than your former. You are valuable and beautiful. For every loss you have suffered you will receive double."

As I muttered my thanks he leaned closer and added "you will receive double for your trouble" and I smiled at his attempt to rhyme. At this point the Pastor asked "How do you feel? Can you see that we all have the capability to bless and encourage others? We should do that more, bless, appreciate and encourage."

It was during service today.

Pastor Chris Ugoh was preaching and had in the course of the sermon asked everyone to stand up and encourage the people on their right and left hand side. "Just tell them words that will encourage them" he instructed.

It was to buttress the point he had made that we can see the good in others if we choose to and always say the right things about others if we are intentional.

I nodded in agreement just as everyone else, and I thought this an exercise worth practicing - everyday.

To be honest it was not easy at first. Looking at a stranger and searching their face for a clue on what to say. I first smiled sheepishly at the lady on my left hand side, she did the same too but after a few seconds I looked her in the eyes and spoke words of encouragement.

As the Pastor spoke I looked around and imagined the couple who were probably mad at each other even as they came into Church, the Parent(s) who may have told their child(ren) they are "good for nothing", siblings who may be holding a grudge against one another, people who had a rift in their relationship looking at each other and speaking words of encouragement to one another.

I imagined walls crumbling, affection welling up, love coming alive, passion being reignited, relationships being healed and thought this is how we should live daily.

As the sermon continued he noted that strife and envy are the major barriers to Unity and Love. "Being united isn't about thinking alike or always being in agreement but about being mature enough to put aside our differences in pursuance and achievement of a common goal." He noted.

"If we must work in unity, we must rise above that which makes us want to pull others down or envious when God blesses others."

As he went on I admitted to myself that loving others isn't easy.

It is hard.

It is hard to be patient and gentle all the time because even those we love will test us.
It is hard to speak good of others especially when we are angry with them.
It is hard to celebrate the success of others when it seems like nothing is working for you but always remember that the sky is big enough for more than one bird to fly.
What God does for them, he is able to do for you. They may just have persevered at a time when you would have given up if you were in their shoes.

Today I decided to keep company with only people who help me appreciate others and always seek the good in them.
This will not be easy but on the days when I need motivation I'll read this post again and remember that beyond passion and emotions, love is a commitment that must be renewed consciously day in and day out.

As Bebe Winans said "if I don't love you, I have missed the mark. It all comes down to love."

1,000 Reasons To Fail

'How's the wedding plan coming?' I asked.

"Very well o, I am taking my time and really do not feel much pressure. I look forward to the day." He responded.

'It's a good thing you started early. It takes off the pressure makes it all easy.' I noted and proceeded to ask as he nodded 'Have you picked your best man?'

I almost wanted to tell him I wouldn't mind being the best man - for friendship sake - but I didn't.

Instead I suggested guys I thought would fit the bill. We deliberated on that for a while before he stated that most of the young guys he had spoken to only had discouraging things to say.

"I have realized though that for every action you chose to take whether good or bad, there will be people who will give you 1,000 reasons why you shouldn't go ahead." He said.

'Very true', I responded nodding.

We had gone to get groceries and were headed home when the conversation started.

We were talking about his wedding which would hold in a few months and how far plans have gone when he reeled out the reasons some people have given on why he may be making a mistake with his decision to get married - now.

Some think he is still young and should 'enjoy' his life instead of letting a woman 'trap' him. Some others think he should still work a little more and save a little more, some say he should complete his building project and own a house before venturing into marriage amongst other reasons he mentioned.

What none of them bothered to ask is what he wants at this point in his life and how to make the most of the opportunity he has to start a family.

As we spoke we noted that it's the same with life. 

For everything you intend to do there will be naysayers whose specialty is giving you all the reasons why you may fail.

They usually claim to have walked the walk or at least know someone who tried and failed. They project their fears and insecurities onto you and if you are not careful or fully convinced about the reasons for your action, you may become discouraged.
But guess what happened to the man and woman that didn't take action because they didn't want to fail? Everyday they wonder what would have happened if they had just gone ahead and ignored the naysayers.

This isn't to say that you shouldn't heed advice especially from people whose judgment you trust, it's that sometimes you just have to trust your intuition and take charge of your life.

Take a step even when you do not see the whole stairway. If you succeed you will be encouraged to take on more but if you fall, you may learn a lesson or two on how to do better.

So if you have prayed about it and trust that God will take care of you no matter what, then forget about the 1,000 reasons why it may fail and look for the 1 reason why it may work.

Be like my friend who is going ahead to marry his Sweetheart in spite of the negative ninnies and their opinions and remember that the future belongs to those who take action today.

Set Yourself Free, Bring Out Your Skeletons, Clean Your Closet

Seventy times seven is 490 (Four hundred and ninety).

That's how many times the Bible asks us to forgive those who wrong us, daily.
I doubt that anyone would hurt us this much on a daily basis so I reckon that what Jesus Christ asks us to do is forgive as many times as we are offended.

He even goes on to say in the Lord's prayer "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us" - this is you being judge and jury for yourself as what you really say is, if I do not forgive them then do not forgive me.

Forgiveness.

It is spoken of as a virtue and from experience I can say this isn't easy to practice but you know what's more difficult?

Forgiving yourself.

That one is hard because you can cut off people who offend you but you have to live with yourself, for life.
We are told that holding onto grudges against others is being their prisoner but no one talks about forgiving yourself when you offend yourself, which is really hard.

As hard as this is, no one tells us what to do when the person who betrays us is the same person we have to face everytime we look in the mirror. The same person you have to go over the events of the day with, make decisions with, share the secrets no one may ever know with, bathe, feed, dressup and even sleep with everyday - yourself.

No one tells you what to do with yourself when you say things that get you in trouble or do things that cause you and others pain or embarrassment. No one tells you what to do to yourself when you look back on mistakes you wish you never made.

There are not enough songs, books, sermons, articles, seminars, counselling sessions on looking at yourself, recalling all the mistakes you could have avoided, all the words you could have left unsaid, the places you could have not gone to, the people you should never have let into your life, the actions you should not have taken and telling yourself - 'you messed up and I'm in this mess because of you, you could have done better, you should have known better but I understand that you are only human so I'll just have to give you another chance - after all what choice do I have?'

And because we do not hear enough of this we go on with our lives holding on to the past sometimes by talking about it every chance we get when what we really desire is an opportunity to go back in time and do better than we did or right the wrong.
We cut off people, avoid places, block out memories when what we should really do is let the memories come rushing back, admit our part in the mistake, accept responsibility, let go and then move on.

We are told to "dust yourself up and try again" but sometimes it takes more than dusting oneself up and shrugging off a mistake, sometimes it is not easy to just move on.

Sometimes it requires replaying the incidents and our actions in our mind - a private cinema for our mind's eyes only, beating ourselves up and crying, maybe even withdrawing/hibernating for a while by ourselves, deciding to do better next time, trashing the memory and consciously choosing to forgive ourselves.

It is easy to preach about forgiving others but we should also remember that sometimes we are the ones who need forgiveness.

Sometimes the person who has hurt you the most is you - with the bad business decisions you made, toxic relationship you got into and stayed in, pain you caused others, actions you took, lies you told, words you said, betraying the trust of those who believed in you, messing up the opportunites you got amongst other mistakes you may have made. 

Sometimes the prison you need to set yourself free from is the prison of your past mistakes, the prison of your conscience. Sometimes you need to own your mistakes because then no one can hold them against you and you can be sure to not repeat them. 
The only way you can only become whole again is to admit that you are not perfect and just like everyone else you too have fallen.

So take some time when you are by yourself to open your closet, bring out the skeletons, hold each one up and as you examine them recall how they came to be then clean out your closet and start again.

This may take some time but even life has its seasons too.
This is your Springtime, an opportunity to forget what happened during your winter and remember that you are a flower blossoming again as the Bible says in Psalms 30:5b "weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning."

Good morning sweetheart! It is another opportunity to forgive yourself and begin again.

Photo Credit: yourvibration.com

Fighting Temptation

Jite smacks her lips as she applies another coat of lipstick.

She smiles at her reflection in the mirror - smokey eyes, mascara coated lashes, highlights and red lipstick makes her look like she walked out of the page of a beauty magazine.

Her phone beeps, she picks it up and sees a message from Bayo, it reads "Will see you in 20 minutes, hope the food is steamy hot".

She smiles knowingly, he definitely isn't referring to dinner and she types "See you soon" with shaky hands. A part of her feels guilty but she still hears Adaora's voice in her head "You can't keep holding onto a man that is too busy for you when there are other men waiting to treat like a queen...you dey dull o."

She smoothes her hands over her peach lace gown and strikes a pose in front of the mirror pushing out her right hip as she puts her left leg in front of the right. It is the gown Tosan her boyfriend of thirteen months had bought her on his last trip to Ontario, she had promised him that she would wear it on a special occasion - in her head that would be on her birthday.

 She glances at her reflection one more time and drinks from her glass of Irish cream, she needs the drink for extra confidence.

She thinks to herself 'enough of dulling' and heads out phone in hand to the kitchen to serve the food she had made - Pasta with Turkey and vegetable stir-fry and Dodo.

As she scoops the Pasta from the pot to a bowl her mind drifts to the events that led to this moment.

It started on her birthday three months ago when Bayo hosted her and her friends Cynthia, Mena and Adaora to dinner and drinks.
She was supposed to spend the day with Tosan who was billed to return that day from his trip out of town but he called to say his trip had been extended by two more days promising to make it up to her when he returned.

Her friends had promised her a girls' night out when she noted that even though she knew Tosan loved her she was hurt and that he couldn't make it. He was always either out of town for business or locked in long meeting sessions at work but it turned out that Bayo had planned with Adaora to surprise her.

That was the night Adaora noted that she was dulling by holding onto a man that was too busy for her.
She had decided that night to give Bayo who she met at Adaora's sister Oge's wedding a chance and had gone on about four dates with him.

So when Tosan called yesterday that he had an impromptu meeting to attend outside town even after they had planned to spend the weekend together, she reached out to Bayo and invited him to dinner.

She is jolted to reality when she hears her phone ring, it is a message from Tosan.
As she reads it, a smile spreads across her face and she realizes she cannot destroy what they share.

It would take Bayo another 10 minutes to arrive but she calls him to cancel. She tells him she has an emergency at work, she has to cover for a colleague and will make it up to him another day.

He offers to drop her off at work as he is already on his way but she insists on going on her own.

At this point she hears a knock on her gate, she had heard Dauda open the main gate but thought it was a neighbour or their guest as she isn't expecting anyone.

She hurriedly walks to the room to get her house coat which she wears over the lace dress, takes off her scarf to let her hair fall and heads for the front door.

As she opens the door she sees Tosan standing outside all smiles.

"Surprise!" He exclaims and adds "Wow, you look so beautiful".

Before she can speak he bends to kiss her and continues "I have spent the past days rehearsing but now I can't even remember my lines..."

As he continues thoughts run through her mind and she feels her heart beating fast.

She hears Tosan say "No matter how busy it gets you are always on my mind. I want you on this journey with me forever, I love you and want to raise our children with you. Please have faith and take me as I am"

Then he goes on his knees as he brings out a ring from his breast pocket and asks "Will you marry me?"

Redefine Sophistication, Own Your Identity

"Say Warteh", she said and the children echoed "Warteh."
She was teaching them to pronounce Water but pronounced it as "War-teh" and I smiled at her attempt at phonetics, teaching them to sound foreign.

As I walked past the classroom towards the Proprietor's office I thought of the parents who would have paid heavily to ensure their children got good education which today includes having your child taught to sound foreign.

It was during my service year.

I had gone to the school which was one of the biggest in Yenagoa, Bayelsa state at the time for a meeting with the school's Principal. As I walked past the classroom after the meeting I heard one of the children speaking, she spoke in a sing-song manner and sounded like a robot.

Many years after especially when I worked in Admin/Human Resources, I encountered many children and even adults who in an attempt to sound 'foreign' end up sounding like they are singing their words.
They speak in accents that are neither American, British, Scottish, Chinese nor Nigerian and sometimes sound stressed as they have to maintain the high pitch sing-song key.

Parents pay heavily for schools that boast of British, American, Norwegian, 'all non-Nigerian' curriculum but children still may not get quality education and sometimes indulge in exam malpractice from as early as Primary school.

I do not blame parents though, it is the resultant effect of colonialism and a system that has failed us. We want better and because we have lost faith in our own, better becomes 'foreign'.

Foreign accents, food, clothes, cultures, names etal are prized over local ones - this in my opinion is neo-colonialism and having a system like ours contributes in no small way to this neo-colonialism. 

I am not saying we shouldn't teach our children to speak well, I am saying we should teach them well. I am also not saying we shouldn't embrace other people's culture it just shouldn't be borne out of a feeling of inferiority.

I have heard parents boast that their children will only answer English names but they give them names with Hebrew, Greek, Latin or Italian origins instead - for them foreign connotes sophistication. It is also like when people in some faiths get baptized and adopt foreign names as their old names are termed 'pagan' - this in my opinion depicts an acceptance of inferiority and shows disdain for our culture.

As a Broadcast Journalist, I have had training in phonetics and will tell you that when words are pronounced correctly you actually sound different from the person who hasn't been trained. Different however doesn't equate unreal.

Teachers should strive to teach children to pronounce words correctly as speaking the English language well doesn't translate into sounding 'unreal'. We should teach children to speak English while retaining their Nigerian accents.

The aim should be correctness not fakeness.

We ought to teach children to be proud of their 'Nigerian' identity which includes our accent, names, food, culture etal.

We shouldn't call a French or Spanish accent sexy and then call Chijioke bush when he speaks in his Igbo accent - they have all been influenced by their environments.

We should first accept and then own and celebrate our identity instead of holding onto the one handed to us by colonial masters.

Let's redefine sexy and sophisticated, Nigerian is.