Let Us Teach Our Children This Truth About Marriage

Days ago a colleague of mine shared his experience with a young girl who practically begged him to impregnate her.

She is only 17 and didn't mind that he is married. As we looked on in disbelief he noted that she said she would gladly be his second wife because men are scarce.

As he said this the question we all asked was "who sold that idea to her?"

You have probably seen the statistics given to prove that there are more men than women in the world. You might also have been told and may have told someone else this too.

But is it true?
A report by the World Atlas Society published last year reveals that there are more men than women in the world. See here https://www.worldatlas.com/articles/are-there-more-men-or-women-in-the-world.html I recall reading a Facebook post a guy shared once. He stated that proposing to a lady who is 34 years old or more isn't just a proposal but a rescue mission. As I read it, I imagined what he would teach his sons and daughters about marriage.

So many people loved his post and shared their comments in support of his opinion which goes to show it is the belief most people hold.

Women are raised to pursue marriage as their ultimate goal and are even encouraged to grab and manage any man that comes because men are a scarce commodity and a woman is like a flower that withers with time.

The result of this is that we raise a generation of women who feel incomplete and unfulfilled until they are Mrs Somebody.

We raise girls who suppress their desires, never find their voices and readily give up their dreams just to become somebody's wife.

Let me state here that I am not saying people shouldn't desire marriage, it just shouldn't be the ultimate goal of living.

We should stop making girls think they are not complete until they are somebody's wife.

We should stop telling girls that men are scarce.

We should stop raising girls who do not think about having a life before becoming a wife.

We should teach them that marriage is beautiful but it doesn't guarantee happiness neither is it the panacea for life's challenges.

We should teach them to fully understand and love themselves before they seek to love and understand someone else.

We should teach them that life is a journey and getting married is just an event in that journey.

We should teach our girls that it is okay to let go of men that are not good for them and whose values do not match theirs.

We should teach them that the biggest power they wield is the power to choose and that includes choosing who comes in or stays in their lives permanently.

Let us teach our girls and boys that our ultimate purpose in life isn't to get married and that no matter your age or status you do not rescue a person when you commit to love them and share your life with them.

Let us teach our children this truth about marriage.

We Had This Conversation About Sex

So I promised that I would write about the conversation that I had with my colleagues. I should have done this days ago but I have been battling the flu and fever - I'm better now and I'm grateful.

Our conversation started with the talk of superstition after a Wall Gecko fell on a colleague's Laptop (you may read about it in my last post) and from there we progressed to sex.

For the purpose of this post I will call my colleagues Ola, Efe, Ego and Vera.

It started with a question I asked.

'Is it true that most married women have been raped by their husbands? There was a conversation on Social media days ago about it and most women responded that they had been raped'.

My question wasn't directed to anyone in particular but as soon as I landed, Efe responded that it shouldn't be rape if it is between a man and his wife.
But Vera stated that a man who has sex with his wife against her will has raped her.

Then Efe cut in again "the challenge is that sometimes we do it not because we want it but because of you".

Vera eyed him and asked "how do you say you are doing it because of me even after I have made it clear that I am not in the mood?"

Efe responded again "most times when you say no we go ahead because of our pride, we need to know that we have what it takes to put you in the mood." Ola nodded in agreement.

At this point I asked 'how do you prove a point by forcing yourself on someone who has clearly said no?'

"How would you feel if you tell a man no today and he let's you be and then tomorrow and the day after he still let's you be after you say no? You would think he's cheating and so we try to make you change your mind even when we are not in the mood for sex just so you don't think that there's someone else", he responded.

I looked at him askance 'If I keep saying no shouldn't that be a sign that there may be an issue on my mind or one to be resolved? A man should be more concerned about finding out the problem and trying to solve it and seducing me instead of forcing himself on me just so he wouldn't disappoint me cos I wouldn't say no if what I mean is yes.'

He laughed and stated that I wouldn't understand as I am not a man.

That's when Ego asked "so how many times should a couple have sex in a week cos if we can have an average number it may help".

I responded with 'should that be measured? I think it depends on the couple, no two marriages are the same na'.

As soon as I responded Vera spoke up again "it usually happens a lot when you first get married in fact when we first got married I almost ran away o. We would have sex before we sleep, in the middle of the night and then early in the morning but after a while it happens like 2 or 3 times or even once in a week." She said.

Everyone else laughed as they shared their experiences.

At this point I remembered I was the only single person in the room so I kept shut and just listened as the conversation continued.

She said again "the number of times a couple have sex can't really be decided on as events may affect your plan but if you go a long time without sex, then it means there's a problem, a crack."

"How long would that be" Ego asked.

"3 months for example is proof that there's a problem unless one party is not around but if they are both in the same house for even a month without having sex when one isn't ill then there's a problem", Vera responded.

I looked at the others, they all agreed.

"Do you think sex is overrated?' I asked as I talked about a neighbor that beat up his wife because she didn't want to have sex.

"It can be abused but it is not overrated o because no matter how many times you have had it, there's this bond you feel each time you do it. It brings you closer and of course ensures procreation but beating up your wife because of sex is extreme." Vera responded.

"Maybe the guy thinks or has proof that she is cheating", Ola stated.

"What if she just wasn't in the mood for sex. What if they had sex already and she didn't want more? Vera asked and added "some of these things are caused by what you people see in Porn movies, where they have sex for hours nonstop in all kinds of position".
She went on to talk about how the kind of sex portrayed by porn actors is unrealistic and may set up a couple for frustration.

'Imagine hanging from the chandelier, head down and feet in the air while still screaming in excitement." I said and everyone laughed.

The conversation continued and one thing I learned is that men and women would always have different perspectives about sex which may result in conflict if there is no proper communication about expectations and agreement about boundaries between a couple.

What do you think?

Superstitious Beliefs, It May Affect You More Than You May Know

Growing up I heard a lot of superstitious claims. They were in my head and restrained me sometimes from certain actions.

I was told that whistling at night attracted evil spirits and I stayed away from whistling at anytime of the day - I guess that's why people laugh when I try to whistle, I end up making a funny sound instead.
I was told that killing a Wall Gecko would make me lose my ability to hold urine and cause me to urinate without restraint. This made us (my siblings and I) revere those creatures that adorn the walls of most homes - I still wonder how they find their way in.
I was told not to walk over the leg of a pregnant woman when she sits as that would make me pregnant - I knew nothing about unprotected sex so every pregnant woman was seen as a suspect, I stayed away.
I was told that kicking my left foot against a stone was bad omen as such each time it happened, I found myself praying against evil - now I know better.
And when my milk tooth pulled out, I was told to throw it on the roof to prevent chickens from eating them because if they did, my tooth (the permanent ones) would never grow again.

I have heard a lot of superstitious claims and believed some of them - but as I grew older and acquired knowledge I learned to do away with them.

I still hear certain claims and sometimes I laugh but today I had an experience that made me question some of these beliefs we call superstitious.

I was having a conversation with colleagues about work when all of a sudden one of us exclaimed. As we heard the exclamation, we all turned to him wondering why he exclaimed and he stated that a Wall Gecko had fallen on the Laptop computer of another colleague who had left his desk to sit with us.
Immediately the Laptop owner ran to his desk as everyone exclaimed, teasing him that the Wall Gecko falling was a sign that someone is pregnant for him - he is married so everyone assumed his wife would be pregnant.
I looked at them in disbelief as they - all of them - seemed so sure of their claim.
I turned to look at the Laptop owner who had a pensive look and was obviously deep in thought. 

'Are you seriously taking this to heart? You really believe this pregnancy talk?' I asked.

"Of course" he said and went on to share tales of friends who found out they had impregnated women after Wall Geckos fell on them.
He stated too that it had happened to him in the past.

"Okiemute it always works, a girl always comes days after Wall Geckos had fallen on my guys to claim she is pregnant for them and it always turned out to be true" he added.

Hmm, so Wall Geckos are the new kind of pregnancy test' I said laughing, I thought it was funny but everyone else didn't think so.

"Don't laugh o, remember that the spiritual controls the physical. These things we call superstitious claims are true". He added

'But they are unfounded and not based on facts' I said again but he said that not everything can be explained.

Just when I thought the matter had ended he said out loud "Since na my Laptop e fall ontop, na promotion dey come".
He gestured to his stomach and extended his hand over his stomach as though it were protuded like that of a pregnant woman and added "pregnancy na promotion but this time na money dey come, I claim am." 
I responded with 'Amen o' and we all laughed.

The conversation continued from superstitious claims to the existence of mermaids (majority said they exist) and then to sex which I'll write about in my next post.
As they shared their experiences and thoughts, I realized that some people still hold on to beliefs that affects their view of the world and the way they relate to people or respond to situations - whether they know it or not.

We may term these beliefs ridiculous but sometimes it is because these beliefs seem to have worked for them.
For example I still have a dislike for Cats - especially black Cats - because I grew up hearing how evil they are.

It's as they say, you can't judge a man until you have walked the same path as he and in his shoes too.

So do you believe in superstition or do you think it depicts an inability to think?

What are the beliefs you held or still hold that may be considered superstitious?

Any experience you would like to share?

Photo Credit: shrek.wikia.com

What Shall You Do Today?

A few days ago I received a mail, that dampened my spirit - literally. It was the response to something I had applied for and I was told it would not be possible - now.

My spirit was dampened because I had really prepared for it, expected it and even prayed about it so when I got a response contrary to my expectations, I was sad.

After I read the mail, I called a friend, spoke to him about it, and he tried to encourage me but it's always easier said than done.

That's the thing about disappointment, you can never really be prepared for it no matter how experienced you are, whether you are young or old, black, white or hispanic, a student, professional or an amateur, disappointments are never easy to bear.

Another thing about disappointments though is that dwelling on them could set you up for failure as you may feel so frustrated that you lose the desire to try again.

So as I thought about the new plans I'd have to make after receiving the mail, I prayed and proceeded to ask myself 'what shall you do next?'

As I asked myself that, I recalled a song that you may have heard too, especially if you have been to Church in Nigeria.
The one that starts with a question by the praise leader, "what shall you do today" and elicits the chanted response from the congregation "today o, I'll lift up my voice in praise".

The thing I realized about this response is that it really means "today, I'll choose to focus on all that is going right in my life and give thanks for them". 

This requires effort.

It requires effort to take your eyes off the hurt you feel from not getting what you really want or probably sacrificed a lot for to focus on the blessings you have because sometimes the blessings seem insignificant compared to the loss.

But dwelling on loss is the easiest way to frustration and ultimately depression.

As I asked myself 'what shall you do today', I told myself that I will focus on the good in my life which is a lot.

So 'What shall you do today'.

Before you respond think of the fact that the worst hasn't happened yet - you are not dead and life is worth more than you could have paid for.

To be alive is to have the opportunity to try again.

So today focus on all the blessings you have and even when it all makes no sense, be thankful and do whatever it is that makes you happy because sometimes courage is the small voice that says at the end of the day "tomorrow I'll try again".

What shall you do today?

Photo Credit: www.shutterstock.com

Please Don't Laugh - My Natural Hair Journey

As I write this I feel pain and discomfort because of the heat from the hand dryer being used to blow-dry my hair. My stylist does this after washing my hair to make it soft and straighten it before a new hairstyle is made.

'Ah, ohh, shhh' are the sounds I make in response to the pain and now I ask myself as I always do if it's all worth it - the pain I mean.

I know they say beauty comes with a prize or something like that but is the pain from having heat applied to my scalp and afterwards having my scalp pulled in the name of making my hair worth it? 

Should I just cut my hair?

Or should I join the train of naturalistas by grooming my natural hair saying goodbye to relaxers and heat from blow-drying for good?

The latter sounds more appealing as I will still have my hair to style as I please whenever I choose. 

Maybe I should try being a naturalista and hopefully this time I wouldn't give up halfway like I did the last time I tried - yes o this wouldn't be the first time.

Talking about the last time I tried, let me tell you what happened.

It happened about 2 years ago.

It seemed like all of a sudden cool was being redefined as having natural hair.

My colleagues were doing it, girls at the salon were doing it and even people on TV - it was the birth of a revolution, African women were owning their 4c type hair and rocking it too.

Ladies were either cutting their hair low in a bid to groom it from scratch or staying away from relaxers until they could have their 'big chop' - you leave your hair unrelaxed for months and then cut off the part of your hair that had been relaxed leaving the new roots of the hair that is free from relaxers.

I thought the latter was better and decided to go for it.

2 months passed without applying relaxer to my hair and I felt really proud as I thought very soon I would be among the new cool girls and become the archetypal African woman - those who wore their natural hair proudly.

I was on my journey and was determined to succeed so even on the days when I felt tears welling up in my eyes from the pain of combing my 'unrelaxed and strong' hair dew for relaxing - I would remember the other revolutionary African women like my colleagues and bear the pain.

When I spoke to other members of the natural hair team, I was asked to apply Shea Butter and water to soften the hair before combing it but that didn't help much, honestly.

The thing is I have little threshold for pain.

I am the girl that will never have another ear piercing even if I wanted to or even get a tattoo because I just cannot bear pain.

Even having my blood drawn with syringe for blood tests usually results in drama - no matter how hard I try, I still manage to scream till everyone and their mum is coming in to check if a woman in labour is stuck in the lab.
They are usually always stunned when I strut out minutes later in heels like nothing ever happened.

I guess you now see why even Shea Butter couldn't solve the problem of the pain from my near-natural hair.

I bore the pain all the same for all of 3 months and would have continued but something happened one day.

I had loosened my hair and was combing it in front of my mirror when I noticed the tears streaming down my face again. I blinked them back and continued combing but the more I combed the more pain I felt and the more the tears flowed. After a while I couldn't hold back anymore and I let out all the tears I had been holding back for months - there in front of my mirror, all by myself I burst into tears. I literally was wailing.

As I looked at my reflection I realized this natural hair journey isn't for everyone and that natural hair or not I would still be the Archetypal African woman.

I picked up my phone, called my Stylist and told her I was headed for the Salon.

When I got there she advised that I add avocado, mayonnaise, raw eggs, coconut oil and some other ingredients I cannot remember now to my hair to make it soft and sleek.
As she listed the items all I saw was salad and I imagined making salad and applying it to my hair instead of eating it.

As she spoke, some members of the natural hair club added their suggestions talking about how they sustained their natural hair. While they all spoke I scanned the Salon for the shelf where relaxers are kept, quietly picked one and handed it to my Stylist - Christ didn't die for me to bear pain and feed my hair food that I should eat in the name of carrying natural hair.

That was how the journey ended for me but today is another day, I still see so many ladies rock their natural hair beautifully and maybe the pain from combing my natural hair may not hurt as it did before.

Thinking of it now, I may embark on the journey again - hopefully I would do my African sisters proud this time.

Religion Over Competence? Maybe This Is Our Problem As A People

I listened as the announcer on Radio reeled out the qualifications needed for a job vacancy he was announcing. The vacancy was for an Admin Officer/Personal Assistant.

He stated "you must be Born again, God fearing, Have a BSc in Business Administration, at least 2 years of work experience..." as he went on I almost laughed out loud, I wanted to believe it was a joke. 

Born again and God fearing as qualifications for a job?
How would you measure how much 'fear of God' a person has?
Can anyone not claim to be Born again and God fearing?
How will these qualities affect their ability to work effectively?
What happened to competence and integrity?
How about past records etal?

You may say it is up to a person to decide what he wants for his organization but I think using these criteria as a yardstick for qualification may make their search an exercise in futility as they may lose competent candidates who may not apply because they are not 'Born again and God fearing' - that is if they choose to be honest.

They may also attract people who out of desperation would claim to be 'Born again and God fearing' even if they are not, just to get the job.

Again, how can you tell that a person is God fearing from a CV or job interview?

How can you even measure 'fear of God'?

It is the thing they say about Nigerians, we are a religious bunch.

We are so religious that we would trump religion over competence and character.
This has in no small way contributed to the predicament we find ourselves in and maybe our problem as a people.

We play the religion card with who we choose to vote to lead, who we buy from and do business with, who we employ for a secular job and even who we deem as beffiting of our help in time of need.

In fact I know of people who go to particular churches because the CEO or manager of an organization they want to work in worships there.
For them it is not about fellowship but about association as they believe attending the church may get them the job.

I also know of people who go to church solely for business connections. So worshipping there makes them the first to be considered for contracts the church wants to execute and vacancies that may be available within the church's business arms or that of members.

They are like the proverbial Okoro that would go to the mountain if the mountain wouldn't come to him and going to church for them is a matter of survival. As science has taught us, in the battle of survival only the fittest survive.

I am a Christian and would gladly tell anyone about Jesus and his saving love but I also know that following Jesus is a matter of faith and has nothing to do with a person's professional competence and capabilities.

I also know that there are people who are not religious but their character and commitment to work would leave you in awe.

I believe it is important to surround yourself with people with similar beliefs and values as you but I think that with work especially when it is not within a religious organization, we should prize integrity, competence, character and a willingness to learn over religion.

These are my thoughts. What do you think?

I Was There When The World Went Mad

The year is 1995.

I am in Primary one and the teacher is teaching us about the family. He says a family is made up of a father, a mother and their children.

He says also that there are two types of family, the nuclear family which is made up of both parents and their children and the extended family which consists of the parents, children, uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents.

As he speaks, he points to the picture on the Social Studies textbook. It is the picture of a man and a woman holding two children, a boy and a girl.

He adds also that a female child is called a girl and a male child is called a boy, he says it is called Gender so I grow up knowing that my gender is female because I am a girl while my brothers are male because they are boys.

I passed from Primary one to Primary two and through Primary school to Secondary school, the definition of family never changed.

The year now is 2018.

I am filling a form online and when I get to the part for gender, the options are Male, Female, Other and Would rather not say.

As I tick female for me, I remember that times have changed a lot from 1995 when I was a child in Primary one to 2018 when I have become a Woman. 

I remember that the definition of family has changed to 'a set of parents and their children'.

This set may consist of a man and a woman, two men or two women.
Parents no longer have to be male and female and people of the same gender can now marry - not in my country though.

I remember also that people now have the right to choose their gender and so a child who's born female can get a surgery done to become a boy if she feels like it and vice versa.

I remember that some men once protested about their rights to have a monthly menstrual flow and to also be pregnant like women.

I remember that a group of men also once went to court to ask that the term 'pregnant women' be changed to 'pregnant people'.

Today there are no more moral absolutes as good and bad are now relative.

I remember also that the legal age to have sex in some countries is now 15 years as such if your child is raped at 15 and there's no proof that she was forced then you have no case in court as she is considered legally old enough to have sex with anybody - male or female.

I remember that some people are now working tirelessly to justify pedophilia - sex with a child and they say it's because some people are wired that way.

I wouldn't blame them though because another group is trying to justify sex with animals (bestiality) and they say this is because some people are attracted to horses, goats, chickens, dogs, snakes and even rats and it's the way they are wired.

I remember the story of young girl who gleefully took to social media to announce that she and her best friend are pregnant for the same man and she thinks this means their children will be best friends. 

Today, anything goes.

I remember that in a bid to practice freedom of choice we have put aside morality, forgetting that a society without rules guiding behaviour is a society headed for chaos and that true freedom lies in the ability to restrain oneself and exercise self control when necessary.

I remember that there seem to be more mentally ill persons walking the streets and even making policies so instead of seeking the help of Psychiatrists for their desires, they head to court to ask for the right to be whatever it is they want or feel like at that moment.

I remember as I complete my form that this is the world I will be bringing my children into and I remind myself that I have a lot of work to do.

This work begins with speaking into their lives and praying for what I want for them even while they are yet in my womb.

They will ask a lot of questions and I will tell them that once upon a time good and bad were not relative.

When they say people tell them they are being judgmental for upholding mommy's beliefs, I will remind them that it's okay to not go with popular opinion and that I was there when the world went mad.

May You Not Believe Them

May you find reasons to smile every time you look in the mirror.

May you not believe the lies they tell you about your physique and abilities.

May you not believe them when they say your dreams are too big.

May the words they say to break you not make you lose faith in love and life.

May you remember that no one is perfect and that you are a work in progress, a seed that will blossom.

May you find beauty in your scars and may each one be a reminder of battles won.

May you have the wisdom to know that love not backed by action isn’t love.

May you not depend on romantic love to shore up your self image.

May you have the discernment to tell when all they want is your flesh and care nothing about your soul.

May you heal from the past hurts and open yourself to life’s goodness.

May you remember that you are stronger than pain and that a diamond with flaws is worth more than a pebble without imperfections.

May you remember that you are special but you need to first know how special you are before others will.

May you remember that people will err and so it's best to hold them to a standard of grace and not perfection.

May you find beauty in your self first and love yourself enough so you can receive the kind of love you deserve when it finally comes.

Maybe This Is For You

Keep this in mind all through this month and the remaining part of the year.

 Xoxo!

If It Rains Tonight, How Do You Plan To Keep Warm?

It's a cool Sunday evening and I just had a meal of hot rice and goat meat stew.
Shortly before I did, it threatened to rain and so I had to bring in the clothes I had hung on the line to dry.

As I packed the clothes in, I wondered how those who live in flood prone areas here in Port Harcourt will cope as it has been raining heavily for the past days and many people have already been forced out of their homes because of the flood.
Some business owners have closed shop too like they did for most of last year because of the flood - the government is yet to deal with the issue as promised.

As I thought about those in flood prone areas here in Rivers state who will have a hard time scooping water from their homes and keeping their children and property safe, I remembered those who probably wish all they had to deal with was flood. 

The mother who probably didn't have time to grieve her dead children because she had to scamper for safety and only heard about their mass burial on the news.

The man who probably watched his darling raped brutally before she was murdered in cold blood. He pictures her face now as he looks at his legs that have been cut off and he realizes that he may never walk again but even that wouldn't have mattered if his pregnant wife was by his side.

Then there is the little boy who has no idea where his parents and siblings are. As he sits amongst strangers he sees his sister's face and as he looks at the plate of food that has been handed to him - a plate of watery soup and eba, he wishes he could share it with her as he always did and he wonders why nothing has been done to catch the men who broke the peace and quiet he knew and took everything that was familiar - his parents and sister, their farms, food, property and friends.

He watches the men and women who have become his family in this place called a camp for Internally Displaced Persons as they discuss their ordeals - one woman has no idea where her children are, another watched her husband decapitated before her eyes and yet another man is still in shock as all he remembers is the heat from the fire he was saved from, he has no idea where his life has gone.

I think of them and I feel the tears drop from my eyes because while I have my warm room to lie in when it rains, my fellow country men have been deprived the right to warmth, peace, freedom of movement and association.

Some have been murdered in cold blood and others have been made refugees in a country that is not at war.

Over 200 women and children have died in Plateau, thousands have been buried having been murdered thoughtlessly in Benue and so many others in the Middle Belt live in fear because they know they are not safe and there is nothing they can do about it. 

The President advised that they learn to tolerate their fellow countrymen and even told them not to blame him for the killings.

The Defence Minister stated that whatever has happened is a communal clash resulting from the law against open grazing.

The Senate President thinks it is unfortunate that such killings are happening at a time when the country is preparing for an election.

The world is tweeting and talking but no one is accepting responsibility and none has been held accountable so far in a country where the lives of Cattle have been prized over that of Human beings.

A mockery is being made of humanity, a people's trust have been broken, a child is being made to feel that the world is against him, an army of aggrieved children is being bred, a generation that know nothing about love, warmth and kindness is being raised and all the leaders care about is the next election.

The killer herdsmen have brought terror like have never been witnessed in the history of Nigeria and no one has been made to pay.

We must keep talking about it and require a righting of this wrong as the next bloodshed may be closer than you think.

The cloud has gathered and if nothing is done, we may experience a downpour like we have never seen.

It may rain anytime, maybe tonight.

If it does how do you plan to keep warm?

Having Your Friend Inspect Your Wife's Vagina

Imagine that your wife is in labour and you are caught up in traffic on your way to the hospital but your friend who's also with you and has experience with delivery offers to help you deliver your baby which would mean touching and putting his fingers in your wife's Vagina, would you let him?

Ladies what would you do if you were in such a situation?

This is exactly what happened in the movie "The Best Man Holiday". I just watched it - for the 70th time I guess.

Harper's (Taye Diggs's character) wife goes into labour while they are on holiday in Lance' (Morris Chestnut's character) house and on their way to the hospital it becomes evident that they may not make it because of the traffic.

That's when Lance offered to help with the delivery. 

Harper thanked him smiling, as he thought all Lance had to do was tell his wife to "Push!"
But Lance handed him his phone and said "I'll have to inspect her Cervix (Vagina)".

Harper's expression changed and he looks at his friend askance hoping he was joking when Lance reassuringly adds

"Don't worry, I know my way around the Vagina". 

Before they reached a decision the wife who is in serious pain and whose only concern is to have her child immediately screams "Get on with it!" and that was it.

As I stated, this happened in a movie but who says it cannot happen in reality?

I addressed the question to you men because I assume that a woman in labour wouldn't be bothered about who sticks their finger in her vagina - the pain would make anything tolerable.

I recall the story told of a man who first refused to let a male Nurse inspect his wife's Cervix (Vagina) when she was in labour, he eventually had to though when she slapped him and he realized it was a matter of life and death.

I also read a woman's experience about having to leave a party because she met the Doctor that delivered her baby at the party.
She had not expected to meet him outside the hospital and she said seeing him dressed in suit and laughing with a drink in hand, made her realize he was like any other man and he had seen her Vagina.

She was too embarrassed and had to leave.

So imagine your friend who was probably there while you courted your wife and who would be there long after your baby is born.

Would you let him inspect and insert his fingers in your wife's vagina?

This is just me thinking out loud but it would be a matter of life and death you know, so what would you do?

Stop Dreaming, Start Clapping!

It is the first day of July and the beginning of the second half of the year.

It is that time when you are expected to review your goals and see how far you have come but what you really need to do isn't to review your goals, what you need to do is to clap for yourself for having made it thus far.

You may have ticked off half of the plans you had for this year or may not even have started with the first, still you must clap for yourself.

This is because life is more than a 'to-do list', it is a collection of our experiences whether good or bad and demands to be lived and until you begin to appreciate the success of even just getting through each day, you may not appreciate the success of climbing mountains.

Do not wait for others to appreciate you before you appreciate yourself.

Until you learn to start clapping for yourself no one else will.

It's like the Igbo proverb says "when the Agama lizard fell off a palm tree he nodded to himself and said if no one praises him, he would praise himself". He acknowledged his effort, encouraged himself in adversity and saw beyond the present.

This is easier said than done because everyone needs motivation but I have learned that sometimes the only motivation you will get is the one you give yourself.

Sometimes you have to pause, pat your own back and continue in your work.

Sometimes you will be your only fan but you must stay consistent.

Consistency is harder when no one is clapping for you especially when no one else think your performance is worth clapping for but you have to remind yourself why you started and let that spur you on to continue in your work.

So starting today drop your list of goals, stop the dream and just clap for yourself even if the sound isn't loud and your hands hurt, keep clapping.

Clap first and then begin again to dream and stay consistent with your work.

Remember the saying, it is okay to be both a Masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously.
Be your biggest fan cos if you aren't, who will?

Welcome to July!

The Best Thing You Can Do For Even Your Unborn Children

As I write this I have Cece Winans' song 'Waging War' playing.

This song brings back memories of the conversations I have had in the past days with colleagues and friends about the recent wave of bloodbath in our country, Nigeria.

We were greeted only about a week ago with news of the killings of over 200 people by suspected herds men in Plateau state and then on Thursday there was the fire incident that claimed lives and cars in Lagos - this is aside the news of victims of kidnappers, armed robbers and ritualists.

It just seems like a blood sucking demon is on rampage and having leaders like ours that seem not to care enough and would rather hold on to power than admit their incapability to be responsible to citizens has helped it's course, in no small measure. 

We wake up to headlines and see too many pictures of people dying that we have gradually become numb, the lives lost have become statistics and all we seem to do now is keep score of the tragedy each hoping that they do not become the next victim. But there are no guarantees.

Really, there are no guarantees.

So what can we do? Resign our fate?

You may say we should wait till the next election so we can vote in better leaders but guess what? The election is 7 months away and even with new leaders there are guarantees.

You may say then that leaving Nigeria is a better option but even in the United States of America where living conditions seem a lot better we have seen that there are no guarantees.
With the news of shootings in schools and offices, policies that make mockery of humanity, racial discrimination etal you can bet that there are no guarantees.

Recently there was the global threat of terrorism that led to countries tightening immigration laws. In the US children were separated from their mothers and kept in cages while here in Nigeria amidst news that ISIS had infiltrated our borders, the DSS reported that it had captured about 60 ISIS commanders once again reaffirming fears that no where is safe.

Days ago news of a Nigerian trader shot dead for no just cause in South Africa hit us bringing to our consciousness that even our brothers away from home are not safe.

In fact it has become hard to listen to or watch the news as there seems to always be a heart wrenching story being told.

News of murders, suicide, rape, bombings, paedophilia, domestic violence, kidnapping, genocide, xenophobia and fraud hit us daily leaving us with more questions than answers.

Sometimes I wonder how I will raise my children in a world like ours where evil lurks on the street corner, the Internet and even in laws promulgated by government globally and I have resolved that all I can do is pray. 

And that's what you should do too.

You must pray because your enemy isn't the man in government or the woman selling children for money, your enemy is the devil. His work is to steal, kill and destroy and he roams around seeking whom to devour. 

So pray you must and daily too.

Pray daily that God helps you hold it all together and that you wouldn't lose faith and optimism in spite of all that's happening.

Pray for your children even if you are yet to have them, pray for the friends they will have and the life they will live.

Pray for your spouse even if you haven't even met them, pray for the people in their lives, the work of their hands and the life you will have together.

Pray for your family, friends, the people in your life and even our leaders.

Life was not meant to be lived without God as such while it is good to talk about and work for what we want for our children, family, friends and even our nation, the most important thing we can do is pray - for them.

Can I Ask You A Favour?

I read his message "Gud evening 6ter" and quickly closed the chat head - the one that pops up on your phone when a message is sent via Facebook messenger.

He obviously meant to say "Good evening Sister", maybe as a friendly gesture but seeing 'sister' spelt as '6ter' almost made my head ache.

I couldn't help but ignore the message.

Like James Authur sang in one of my favourite songs "there are certain things that I adore and certain things that I ignore", for me there are also certain things that I can't stand and messages written with abbreviations especially when unnecessary is one of them.

I say unnecessary because some people simply spell words wrongly in the name of abbreviations/shorthand else how can you explain someone writing 'morning' as 'mawning' or 'friend' as 'fwend' or even 'you' as 'yu'?

I always think to myself 'this isn't even an abbreviation, it is wrong spelling'. I mean what would it take to just spell words correctly?

It's the same way I react when I see people chew food noisily or with their mouth open, it's worse when I have to eat with them on the same table - I lose my appetite and sometimes have to restrain myself from going on my knees in tears, begging them to stop. Does it happen to you?

Yesterday Ada my friend showed me an email sent by a client, he had written his message with abbreviations - it was a formal message and he even copied her bosses.

"Babe why would this man do this na. I'm embarrassed o, I wish I could edit this mail at least for the sake of the people in copy" she said.

"It's why I hate it when people type in shorthand because they get so used to it that they use it in formal messages" I responded.

This is true.

I have worked in Human Resources (HR) and have had to conduct tests/interviews for university students seeking Internship placement, from experience one thing that disqualifies most of them is wrong spelling. 

Some answer their questions with abbreviations and some others simply cannot spell.

You may say that English isn't our language but it is our Lingua Franca and as such has to be used correctly, this is why it is taught in schools.

Its different when you are writing in Pidgin but even that has to be done well.

Some people abbreviate so much that sometimes you develop a headache trying to decipher what they have written.

It is unfair.

I think its best to use abbreviations for informal messages and with your friends, not people who do not know you.

Oh! I just saw another Facebook message "Xup pretty"...hmm.

These are like bullets to me and now I have to run for cover but erm...

'please do me a favour, if you must use abbreviations, do it with informal messages or when chatting with your friends, not in formal messages, examinations or with people who do not know you.'

I hope I have not asked for too much.

Nigeria Vs Argentina Match - My Experience

"God of Nigeria break Messi leg o, show yourself."

It was my hair stylist exclaiming as she applied polish on my nails. I was at the Salon and was getting my nails done having had my hair fixed when the match between Nigeria and Argentina kicked off.

Before I could respond to her prayer a lady whose weave was being sewn on retorted, "Which Messi? His career is gone, if you are talking about Ronaldo I'll understand but Messi is not a threat. Na before he sabi play nor be now."

I had turned to look at her as she spoke and as soon as she landed a young girl who was waiting to have her lashes done spoke up again, "Messi is old and this is even his last world cup as he will retire in 2020."

Before she finished her statement, my Stylist cried out again "God of Nigeria show yourself o, break Messi leg for us make e nor see leg take play this ball"

As she spoke I realized that the one thing more interesting than watching football, is watching fans as they watch football as almost everyone becomes an expert cum Coach analyzing the moves of players and predicting when to pass or attack or hold on to the ball.

It's funny how everyone except the actual players seem to know just what to do to win the match.

As the game went on, almost everyone had something to say.

One of the ladies reminded the Stylist that Argentina had good players aside Messi but she ignored her and kept on with her prayers for Messi to suffer a fracture.

Someone thought the blood of citizens being killed in Nigeria may cry out against our team and another thought the President should have called the players before the match to encourage them and yet another thought the World Cup has distracted Nigerians from the challenges on ground.

One of the ladies thought her blood pressure had skyrocketed and had to rush out of the salon because in her words "I nor fit die for match when dem go still dash Mikel and him boys millions".

The group who simply prayed for footballer husbands were there admiring and prophesying.

As the match ended a lady who barely said a word during the game shook her head and hissed "na dat our Presido hand when dem go shake naim cause dis tin so, how dem go win?...msheeew".

I almost saumasaulted, 'how does a handshake affect a team's preparedness and performance?'

I wouldn't say I enjoyed the game but I had a great time as I was so engrossed with watching and listening to fans as they watched and analyzed the game that I forgot it had gotten late.

I laughed out so loud at intervals and even though the Super Eagles lost to Argentina, I think that for a girl whose goal is to just be happy, it was a fulfilling evening and an enjoyable experience for me.

I hope it was for you too.

Xoxo!😜

Today I Met My Husband And Inlaw

"Fine girl come now, I get wetin you dey find."

It was a vendor calling out to me as he pointed to dresses lined up in front of his shop.
I had gone to the market to get fruits and the taxi I alighted had pulled over in front of his shop.

As I walked through he continued his 'fine girl' call and made to hold my hand but I snatched my hands away - let me state here that being called 'fine' by a seller in the market doesn't necessarily mean you are good looking, it's your seeming capability to patronize them that qualifies you as fine - in their eyes.

I walked on as another man called out "my colour come o, na you I dey wait for since", I turned to see that it was a man with knuckles dark from cheap bleaching creams holding up a pair of denim pants.

I made to protest that I looked nothing like him but quickly reminded myself that every girl who walks past him today would be his colour - in his eyes - so I simply walked on.

I got to the spot where the fruit sellers were seated but as I examined the fruits the familiar voice of the man advertising his drugs came on, the van that served as a mobile pharmacy had just pulled up close to the fruit sellers and the speakers placed on it blared loudly.

The recorded voice quickly drowned out every other as he reeled out the duties of the wonder working drugs - those ones that promise to cure every ailment under the sun and leaves you wondering why scientists say they are yet to find the cure for Cancer and HIV.

"No more break and quench Oga as this our ogbonge medicine go make you stand kakaraka for 5 hours, sotay na your madam go dey beg".

He was advertising a libido boosting drug and sounded so sure of his promise that all I could think of was the poor woman whose partner would believe this and try it out on her.

Who would she run to when he stands kakaraka for 5 hours? Odiegwu!

I had to move a little further so the medicine seller's voice wouldn't drown out mine as I bargained for the fruits.

That's when I met him or rather heard his voice. 

"My wife, you nor know me again?" He asked and as I turned to look at him he smiled and continued, "why you dey form na abi I nor reach to marry you?"

The self appointed husband is a vendor holding up a pair of male shoes and as he spoke he beckoned onto me with his hands, "come na, you too fine and I go take care of you".

I simply shook my head and made to walk on when his neighbour spoke up "inlaw, why you dey do like this na".

In less than 5 minutes I had met my 'husband' and 'inlaw' - I am just not sure if he is a brother or father inlaw. 

I walked on and proceeded to buy my fruits.

As I walked past on my way out they called out to me again and I laughed as I observed them but just as I made to walk on, I heard 'the husband' call out to another lady "ehen see my real wife don show" and as he spoke I wondered how many women he married verbally daily.

He looked at me, smiled and said "no jealous am o, na you first do shakara", I smiled too and walked on as I reckoned that it's what a good wife would do, look the other way for the sake of peace.

Are Men Really Polygamous By Nature?

Dear man,

If you had a billion dollars, how many women would you marry? Would religion matter?

I am asking this question because of a conversation I have had one time too many with friends, colleagues and acquaintances about men and polygamy - the practice of one man marrying more than one wife. 

They always say men if given the chance would marry more than one woman because it's in a man's nature to want more.

A lady even once told me it would be best for her husband to just marry any other woman he fancies instead of sneaking out to see her.

Now the practice of polygamy was a norm in pre-colonial Africa backed by tradition and strengthened by the belief that men are polygamous by nature.

In fact most cultures in Nigeria measured a man's strength by the number of women he could control and his wealth by the number of children he had. 

However with the advent of Christianity many practices considered sinful were stopped or discouraged and polygamy was gradually replaced with monogamy - the practice of one man marrying one wife.

Religion aside, many young men today embrace monogamy - in marriage - because of modernization, the harsh economic realities as well as the fact that it is believed to guarantee peace of mind.

This doesn't mean that polygamy has been phased out as some people are still challenging the neo-status quo and are against the odds, holding on to and seemingly thriving in polygamy.

Okay maybe not polygamy in the real sense of it but most men still keep more than one woman especially where money isn't a problem.

Their actions are backed by the single argument that men will always want more. They even say things like 'you can't keeping eating only one type of soup forever.

I am not writing to judge anyone but to ask if it is true that men are polygamous by nature.

Are men created with an inability to be faithful?

Are they wired to cheat no matter what?

I have heard ladies say things like "a man will cheat no matter what so I'll prepare myself" and each time I hear it my head spins.

Isn't that a lie concocted by society to repress women and by misogynist for the purpose of self gratification?

Are we not making men believe they are helpless and incapable of loyalty?

If men are wired to cheat what about women because the reality today is that women cheat as much as men do regardless of culture and religious beliefs.

In fact I recently read about couples who decide to have 'open' marriages, giving each other license to cheat. This means that they can both have sexual partners even while they are married.

This shows that anybody can be anything if they decide to be and this isn't even dependent on religion or culture.

It is a matter of personal principles, loyalty and self control. 

So I'll ask again, if you had a billion dollars, how many women would you marry?

Would religion matter?

Do you agree with the school of thought that men are by nature polygamous?

What is the place of religion and the place of culture?

What about morality?

Do you think a couple in spite of cultural norms and religious beliefs can decide how their marriage should be or is this a recipe for disaster?

The Most Important Relationship You Need

If you are conversant with social media particularly Instagram, you would be familiar with these hash tags #mcm - Man Crush Monday and #wcw - Woman Crush Wednesday.

I do not know the origin of these hash tags but I know that they serve the purpose of celebrating Men and Women people admire - Men are celebrated on Mondays while Women are celebrated on Wednesdays.
Now there's no rule that says we should wait till these days but I guess since M goes for both Man and Mondays and W goes for both Woman and Wednesdays it kinda rhymes - 'remember this is 2018 and if it ain't cool then it's oldschool.'

I honestly just formulated that! Who says I can't try a career in rap?

Now back to my gist, I have noticed recently that most people no longer celebrate others instead they celebrate themselves as #wcw and #mcm.

So I post a picture of Me and tag it #wcw with a quote about how I am the most hardworking and inspiring woman I know and how I deserve some accolades - you get the drift?

When I see posts like that a part of me usually wonders why anyone would crush on themselves - is that even possible? And another part urges me to not be so critical and just let people appreciate themselves.

The goal is supposed to be self love but in reality how many really love themselves?

When you filter and edit your pictures till it has no semblance with reality, do you love you? Is your confidence based on the number of editing apps you have? Do you seek validation from 'followers' who know nothing about your reality? Do you measure your worth by the number of 'likes' on pictures?

In fact do you know yourself?

Who are you? What does happiness mean to you? What are the things that make you smile? What are the things you would sacrifice for? What values would you hold onto no matter what? Who are the people you admire and why? What does friendship and love mean to you?

I ask because I have learned that the most important relationship you will ever have is with yourself but you have to know you to have a healthy relationship with you.

This isn't me advocating selfishness or narcissism (we have too much of that today), I just think most people today are concerned more with performing for the world when deep inside 'they are crying for help'.

I may be wrong but I met a young lady once and in the course of our conversation she revealed that she did most things because people thought they were cool. She hung out with her friends because they were cool even if she can't be herself with them, she had even spent her school fees while trying to fit in, she needed help getting the money but she couldn't even open up to her 'friends' or parents and was willing to do 'anything' to get the money.
She confessed that she had lost touch with herself and in her words "I don't even know what I like anymore, I just go with the flow - it's not easy o but people like it so..." she shrugged.

I shrugged too as she spoke cos I knew life's experiences and not my words would teach her the truth with time.

She had gotten lost in the crowd while seeking validation from the crowd and like her, most of us have neglected the most important relationship we should have - a relationship with ourselves and now we are 'just going with the flow'.

Knowledge and acceptance of ourselves will help us know where to draw the line with others, take criticisms with an open mind and not feel the need to impress at the expense of our peace.

You can't pour from an empty cup so you should fill yourself first with love and healthy thoughts before you can do same for others and this starts with knowing yourself and commiting to improving yourself.

Besides it is easier to fill a space in your heart where someone else used to be than to fill a space where YOU used to be and if you stay true to you, people who will love you, will love you as you and not the idea they have of you.

So starting today have a date with yourself (it can be in your room), write down the things you love about you, the things you should change, the people who should stay and those who should go, the things you want and how you can achieve them, the mistakes you have made and how you can correct them.

Laugh about the silly things you have done then inhale deeply and as you exhale say good morning to yourself and mean it.

Using Your Greatest Weapon

Life is spiritual.

You have probably heard that before and whether you believe it or not, it is true.

There is the natural which we relate to with our senses and there is the supernatural which controls the natural.

I have listened to quite a number of speakers teach on the power of thoughts and taking action for the change we seek but only a few emphasize the power of prayer which to me is the greatest power we can wield.

This is not just because I am Christian but because I am human being that has been in situations I could never have thought or worked myself out of, only a Supreme could have helped and when I prayed, I got help.

The thing I have learnt about prayer is that everyone prays.
When you present a case before a Judge in court, it's called a Prayer.
When you delegate a responsibility to someone or even request a favor, you are praying to them.
Even when you make a wish, you are praying although not to God it is prayer being said and hope being expressed that what you desire would come to pass.

Prayer is the hope we have that life as it is can be better and when that hope is in a God who is almighty, you can be sure of a change.

The thing I have learned about praying to God and why it touches his heart - when said in faith, is that it is an acknowledgement of our human frailty, mortality and fallibility.

When we pray, we cast down our crowns, lay our trophies, rid ourselves of our intellectual mentality, swallow our pride and challenge everything we hold as true to go before a God we cannot see but believe exists to ask for help.

In prayer our humanity connects with divinity to bring about a different reality.

Talking about the power of trust in God, do you know the motto of the most powerful nation in the world, America?

'In God We Trust' - that is it.

The men who not only discovered but fought for the land we call 'the land of the free', the founding fathers who worked for the vision that is the reality we see today understood the importance of 'Trust In God'.

That phrase signifies the belief that built America and whether the societal reality today is an aberration of that phrase, is a different matter altogether.

Prayer is powerful, so powerful that a statement attributed to Queen Mary of Scots says "I fear the prayer of John Knox more than the armies of England" - can you beat that?

Oftentimes we talk about what we want to see which is great and beyond talking we make plans and set goals to ensure that what we want becomes reality which is also great but human ability is limited.

This is why prayer is important because with it, you hand your thoughts and plans to a God that cares and is powerful enough to grant your heart's desires.

So as you dream about the life you want and set goals to achieve it, remember to use the greatest weapon available to you, the power of prayer. It works!

How Far Would You Go To Save The Life Of The One You Love?

How far would you go to save the life of one you love?

Would you donate blood or an organ to save your child, partner, sibling or friend? If a loved one is at the point of death would you let your belief stop you from saving their life?

Let me tell you why I'm asking these questions.

The world blood donor day is June 14 and to mark the day we had a Haematologist discuss 'Voluntary Blood Donation' on the the Morning show - remember I am Co-Anchor of the Morning Show on Wazobia Max TV?

Today on the show we discussed the concluding part of the topic and I have learned certain things about blood donation viz:
1. Pregnant women, people under 18 years and those with chronic health conditions like Cancer, Diabetes, Hypertension etal should not give blood.
2. The average human has about 10 pints of blood and shouldn't donate more than 1 pint at a time, a later donation can be done after 3 months.
3. Men have a higher blood level than women - we involuntarily pass blood monthly via menstruation so go figure.

While we were fielding questions from viewers, a caller stated that her religion forbids blood transfusion as such we ought to educate people on ways to boost their blood so they wouldn't need transfusion instead of encouraging donation.

The doctor noted that she was sure the caller is a member of the Jehovah's Witness religious sect and stated that religious views are respected as such people who as a result of their beliefs refuse blood transfusion are not forced even in life threatening situations.
She added though that sometimes no matter what one eats in a bid to 'boost' their blood, they may have emergencies that would demand blood transfusion citing cases of people who lose blood in accidents and women who lose blood as a result of complications during delivery.

After the show I spoke to a colleague who is a member of the Jehovah's Witness sect seeking explanation for the law against blood transfusion and he explained that the law was put because blood is considered sacred.

After his explanation I asked if he would let his wife or child die if they need blood transfusion to stay alive.

"It's a matter of faith not my personal decision so I'd rather let them die than go against what I believe" he responded.

He cited the case of an ex who died after infected blood was transfused in her body. He had advised against transfusion but she had secretly asked that a transfusion be done as she didn't want to die. Unfortunately for her a blood that had not been properly screened was transfused to her and she got infected with AIDS.

She died 3 months later.

This experience strengthened his resolve to never allow blood transfusion for himself or family member.

I understand that certain experiences influence our opinions on issues but is it okay to let one experience form our opinion especially where life is involved?

This isn't to disrespect any faith but should we place religious beliefs over human life and vice versa?

Where do we draw the line between religion and humanity?