If Only You Would Just Read This

I watched as she battled with the door trying to open it. She pushed, pulled, hit herself against it and looked around for anyone to help her. I made to get up to go help her but sat back again.
She pulled again and pushed but the door wouldn't give way.

I was seated in the office conference room in a broadcast training session with other colleagues and as I watched the lady struggle to open the door, my mind wandered.
I thought about the countless times my boss had complained about guests who almost damage that particular door because they are unaware that it is automated.
It is the door that leads to the live studios as such guests who come in for interviews or programmes have to pass through that door but it is always a challenge.

So after deliberations and upon his recommendation, I personally typed and printed the instruction on the door still that hasn't stopped people from trying to damage the door - because they simply wouldn't pause to read.

I watched the lady keenly hoping she would see the instruction clearly posted on the door on how to open it.
She searched frantically with her eyes again for anyone to help her and just as I made to stand up and walk up to her, I saw her eyes focused on the instruction posted on the door "PRESS THE WHITE SWITCH TO OPEN THE DOOR".
The white switch that she needed for the door to be opened was just by the side of the door.

She pressed it and the door opened.

Then I sat back again.
It is the thing said about the African that "if you want to hide something from a black man, put it in a book".
Times are fast changing though and so is the stereotype about Africans and reading but a large number of people still do not read even the simplest instructions.

Sometimes the answer to the challenge we face is staring us right in the face but we don't see because we do not read.
Knowledge is power and this statement is corroborated by the verse of scripture that says "my people are destroyed from a lack of knowledge" - Hosea 4:6.

Think of the many mistakes you could have avoided if you had simply opened your eyes to read.
Some people even fill out forms and sign documents without reading the instructions written.
Think of the many opportunities you may have lost because you simply didn't stop to read.

The ability to read in my opinion is one of the greatest skills anyone can have but that skill would only be meaningful when put to use.

So pick a book today and take time to read signs and instructions as often as possible.

Who knows what door reading will open for you like it did for the lady in my office? As Rachel Anders said "the journey of a lifetime begins with the turning of a page".

Dear Mama, Happy Mother's Day

"This tiny thing what does she know, Madam Common Entrance Examination is not for babies and sucklings".

"Oga it's your son that's a suckling. Forget her size, my daughter will beat your son anyday in any exam".

That was Mummy speaking in my defense.

It was a Saturday morning in 1998, the day of the Common Entrance Examination for Primary School students. We were at Urhobo College in Effurun, Delta State the venue of the exam and there were hundreds of students from different Primary schools, some of whom were accompanied by their parents.

We were waiting to be ushered into the exam hall and I sat by Mummy alongside other parents in a sheltered space on the school's premises.
As we waited, parents conversed about different issues and that was when a certain Father who had brought his son for  the exams sighted me sitting by Mummy. He was a popular TV Presenter and wanted to know if I was writing or if I accompanied my brother who was also writing on that day and when Mummy told him I was writing he scoffed and told her to let me stay home as the exams wasn't for babies.

Mummy isn't one to take issues about her children lying low and she shushed everyone who thought they had an opinion about my ability to pass the exam.

I wouldn't blame them though. I was barely 8 years old, in Primary 4 and was small, tiny in fact but Mummy always reminded me that my size wasn't the determinant of my abilities. "You are a Queen with a strong Spirit", she would say.

We wrote the Common Entrance Examination and I was the second best from my school, defeating even the Primary 6 students.

On the day I was to write the entrance examination for the Secondary school I was to attend - Fieldcrest International High School, the Vice Principal who was Mummy's customer (she sold fabrics) called her aside and advised her to let only my brother write as I was too young and wouldn't scale through the Exam and rigorous Interview process.

Mummy responded that if my brother could write then nothing would stop me, "just try her and see" she said with a smile.
I wrote the exams and after the Interview with the Principal and other staff, I was carried and cheered by the staff to the reception area where parents and other candidates were waiting. Everyone wanted to know whose daughter I was - I still see the glow on Mummy's face as she sang my praises.

At times when Mummy had to choose between a son or daughter for any task or event, she picked the more qualified person and always reminded us that male or female we all had equal abilities and when I would go report any of my siblings to her after a squabble she would remind me (anyone of us in fact) that an outsider wouldn't offend me like my siblings would, only those we love can really hurt us.

It's Mother's day today and Mama is still dishing advise and cheering me on to great things. I think of you Queen Igho Imonirhua and I know I can never really repay you for always putting my love on top.

As I always say, I owe you success and the best Son In-law.

I hope to be the kind of Mummy you are to my children.

I love you Mama, Happy Mother's Day!

His Ride or Die Chic

Ajiri made to walk away and as expected Esiri pulled her hair yelling at her for walking out on him. Then she felt his palms as they landed on her cheeks, he pushed her against the wall crying and asking why she always tempted him and made him hurt her against his will. She cried too and made to apologize but he hit her again and pushed her to the floor, kicking her stomach. Ajiri clutched her stomach in pain.

She didn't blame him. She knew he never intended to hurt her, he loved her too much.

This was what she told her Mother the time she had to be admitted after Esiri threw a flower vase at her. He had not meant to hurt her. He was cleaning the vase and they were arguing when he threw it at her because she raised her voice at him.

Against her family's insistence she married him.

Even when her friends told her Esiri needed help she told them no one else could love and understand him like she did, he needed her. They had been through a lot together and she was his ride or die chic.
Esiri told her he needed her after every fight and this time as he kept kicking her in the stomach she reminded herself that he would soon get back to his senses and he would apologize.

He would buy her an expensive gift, maybe Jewelery or a car like he did eight months ago, or tickets for a romantic getaway as he had done severally or dinner at an exotic restaurant.

Esiri was a good man and a great Father but he had an uncontrollable temper.

Ajiri always told herself it wasn't his fault as he grew up with an abusive Father and a Mother that was barely there because she had to fend for the family. He only needed to be loved and understood.

She was jolted to reality as Esiri pulled her into the bathroom - he had never done this before.

She made to get away but he pushed her into the bath tub and turned on the shower knob.

The water pouring on her body made it difficult to breathe or scream, she was struggling and as she made to break free he hit her harder crying that she delighted in bringing out the worst in him even though she knew he loved her too much to hurt her intentionally.

She wanted to tell him that this was worse than anything he had done before and that Ovie their 6 year old son may walk in on them but as she opened her mouth, water from the shower poured in. She cried as she thought of her son who had watched his father abuse her severally but she told herself he was too young to understand that his father didn't mean any harm. Someday when he is older, she would tell him his father didn't intend to hurt her, he only needed to be loved and understood.

She waited for Esiri to stop hitting her but he continued.

Then she thought about the conversation that riled him up. She had told him that she wanted to accept the offer from her company to go start up a new branch in another state. She only had to work from Monday till Thursday and she would come home on Thursday evening and leave on Sunday afternoon. It was a 3 hour drive to her new base but he thought her being away would make it harder for them to have another baby. They had been trying to have another baby and she had lost two pregnancies from Esiri's beating.

As they argued, she reminded him of the pregnancies she had lost through no fault of hers and made to walk away. That was the beginning of yet another outburst of uncontrollable temper. Esiri pulled her back and pounced on her.

Esiri had by now stopped in his rage and at this point she felt herself passing out.

The liquid on her body was a mixture of water and blood.

She managed to open her eyes.

Her little boy Ovie was standing by the bath tub.

She heard him say faintly "Mummy you are bleeding, did Daddy hurt you again"?

She made to give him her usual response that Daddy meant no harm but she winced in pain as Ovie shook her and kept calling "Mummy, Mummy".

Everything seemed to black out and all was still.

She had become unconscious.

The Tired Player

"Are you serious"? It was Tony speaking as he looked at Mark askance.
"Yes Bro, I'm getting married", Mark responded and then added "not now though, should be in a few months".

Mark's eyes lit up as he spoke to his friends Efe, Tony, Femi and Kelvin about the girl he had met about a month ago and how special she was. With her he was really happy and he only needed a few more months to convince her that he was good enough for her.

They clinked glasses and hailed him.

Efe who was all smiles turned to his right hand side and mockingly exclaimed "hey man, playa, when is it gonna be your turn"? He was referring to Kelvin who was just gulping from his glass.
Femi interjected "Kelvin isn't ready to quit the game, the baddest of them all".

They laughed some more, Kelvin laughed too but deep inside he wished they knew.
He was tired.
He had been the bad boy but deep inside he craved love too.

He looked at the guys, his friends from school Efe, Femi, Tony and Mark. The others were married and now Mark would be getting married but he didn't even have a relationship.

"Her name is Tara" Mark said when Tony asked the name of the girl.
"Tara"? Kelvin asked,
"Yes, you should meet her. She's a sweet girl"? Mark responded.

Kelvin took a sip from his glass as he thought again about the Tara he knew.
They dated briefly and broke up.
They tried again and were on and off for a while before she left.
He thought about the day he told her he wasn't ready to commit to a relationship.
She had smiled and told him it was alright even though they both knew it wasn't.
He had not contacted her since.
Tara was a spirited and unforgettable girl.
He smiled as he realized that he had missed her.

He decided that he would be the man he should have been about a year ago when he first met her.

He picked up his phone, excused himself from his friends, walked to his car and dialed her number.
It rang and her voice came on. "Kelvin...good evening"
"Hello Tara, how are you. It's been quite a while"? he responded ,
"I'm good. What's the special occasion that has made you call me"?
"We need to talk, Tara I have missed you". He said
"Not this time Kelv"
"Why"? He asked
"this off and on thing can't continue anymore" She responded
"I want us to work something out...you are a great girl Tara" Kelvin said.
She was silent for a few seconds before she spoke "I met a guy Kelv and he's been great so far"? Kelvin's heart skipped and began beating fast as she said the words but he managed to form the words, "So you are in a relationship, wo-wow in just 5 weeks, he must be something" he retorted
"He is something" she said, "Mark. That's his name".
"Mark"? Kelvin asked
"Yes" she said and added "I have a call coming in, I appreciate your call but I need to take this call. Maybe we can speak some other time"?

As the call ended Kelvin turned to look at Mark his friend who had gotten up with his phone pressed to his ear.
Mark was smiling widely and Kelvin knew who he was talking to.

Today She Is The Tired SuperWoman

She takes a deep breath and exhales. She smiles as she tells herself she should do this more often - inhale and exhale. It is the first time she is smiling truly since the day began.

She smiled in the morning when she took selfies with colleagues but that was for the Camera, she smiled also as she walked and the compliments about her looks reeled out of people's mouths but that was just an act of courtesy, she smiled too at Lunch time when a colleague came to her table with supposed 'hot' gist about irrelevant gossip but that was just to act interested in the 'booooooring' talk and she smiled also when her 'self acclaimed confused' boyfriend sent her a text 'hey beautiful, hawa you', she smiled because she relished the fact that he remembered to send a text even if she knew in her heart that it meant nothing and he probably sent same to other girls - she smiled still.

Now the day is ending and she is home.

She walks to the fridge, pours herself a glass of fruit juice and as she walks to the kitchen her eyes catch the frame on the wall of her dining room. The words come out to her 'a strong Woman wears her pain like a Stiletto and smiles even when all she wants to do is cry. No matter how much it hurts, all you see is beauty' - she is that woman.

The one who smiles even when she feels like crying, the one whose makeup is always well done and who is always dressed to the nines. The one who reminds the other girls to get their act together and not depend on anyone else, the one who sings with passion in the midst of adversity - she is the one, the 'strong' woman.

Today though she is not that strong Woman, today she is the 'Tired Woman'.

The one that is tired of acting tough even when she is broken inside, the one that is tired of being there for everyone else but has no one to lean on, the one that is tired of cheering others on but has to encourage herself when she feels demotivated, the one that is tired of wearing her pain like a Stiletto and smiling when all she wants to do is cry, Miss Fix it, the one that is tired of singing in the midst of adversity - today she is the tired woman that wants to be held as she let her tears flow freely, she is the woman that is tired of tolerating and putting up with a 'seemingly confused' man whose actions never matched his words, she is the woman that wants to be given a foot rub and an assurance that she will never walk alone, today she wants to be cheered, today she simply wants to be a girl - tender and vulnerable without fear of being taken for granted.

She smiles again as she recalls the abuse she suffered in the hands of her Aunt who took her in when her Mum who had remarried after a divorce with her Father, told her she couldn't bring her in to live with her new husband as she wanted to protect her marriage. Her Aunt never failed to remind her that she was a liability whom no one wanted. She recalls also having to menial work to survive in school and getting into a relationship with the first guy that made her feel loved - How was she to know he was just a loser on heat? He ripped her clothes, body, heart, self esteem and the resultant heart break almost ripped her life but she survived.

She smiles again as she recalls all she went through till she got her job and started her business - doing interior decor. Through it all she learned dependence and reliance on God.

She learned also to bottle her emotions and look out for herself in a 'dog eat dog' world. She learned to wear her pain like a Stiletto and smile when all she wants to do is cry.

Today though she is tired of being strong.
She walks into her Kitchen and makes to turn on the Gas cooker to prepare dinner but she turns it off again.
Today she wouldn't cook dinner, she will go get her favourite Burger and a bowl of Ice cream. She will indulge and not bother about calories or fat.

Afterwards she will soak herself in her bath tub and then crawl into bed to watch her favourite TV show till she falls asleep. Today she will drop the strong woman garb and just breathe - she will pick it up again tomorrow but today Superwoman needs to take a back seat, for now she is a tired woman who needs a break from being strong.

Feminism And The Increase In Divorce Rate

"I am a Feminist but also a humanist" is always my response when colleagues come to me about Feminism talk.
I have colleagues who are quick to call my attention to gender based issues, 'ehen Okiemute your fellow feminists have started o, look at this one tweeting that she will not change her surname when she gets married' is an example of the Feminism conversation starter.
I would respond that I am a humanist and believe in equal treatment of both sexes while still retaining some traditional values.
I will teach both my sons and daughters to do house chores and not make anyone feel superior to the other. I will teach my sons to be chivalrous and to not bottle up their emotions in the name of 'being a man'. I will teach my daughters to accept gestures of chivalry without developing a sense of entitlement. I will teach my sons and daughters to cook because it is a survival skill needed by everyone - hunger knows no gender.

I am a Feminist but also a Christian and therefore believe that the man is the head of the home because the Bible tells me so. I will teach my children this.

I believe in marriage for better or worse unless there's a threat to life.

I read a few minutes ago on a blog that a court has ended the 17 year old marriage of a popular Nigerian Actor on the grounds of infidelity and abuse. I read comments on the story too and most people are of the opinion that women are coming into their own and no longer willing to 'die just to save face and be called Mrs'. Some others think it's a shame that women are no longer willing to fight for their marriages and that Feminism is the reason why marriages are failing as women now think themselves equal to men.

Sigh! Were women created inferior to men?

I often get into arguments with colleagues about the roles of a Wife and a husband in the home. Especially because I have female colleagues who say they will never cook for a man because they were not born to slave in the kitchen. At such times you would see the guys boiling as they argue about how these women will not 'find a man to marry them'..."nonesense women deceiving themselves in the name of Feminism".

My response at such times is "to each his own, besides a couple should reach an agreement on how their home will be run before they consummate their union".

I also once asked a Female colleague, "so who will feed you, your husband and children"? That isn't my business though as I do not think cooking alone will guarantee the success of a marriage.

So to the issue of Feminism causing an increase in divorce rates, here's my opinion which is simply what it is 'my opinion'.

I do not think Feminism is the reason for failed marriages rather it's cluelessness on the part of a couple on how to make their marriage work that leads to breakup. Cluelessness will result in many things viz: a man forgetting he is the head and therefore has been entrusted with the responsibility of protecting his family, a couple letting the pressure and challenges of living daily making them forget that the promise they made is to each other and no one else, a couple forgetting that God is the author of marriage and is therefore the only one that can help them succeed in it.

I meet a lot of young men whose mentality leave me feeling sorry for the women they will get married to and of course I have met girls that leave me mouth agape at the way they think.

We live in a 'me first' society where people love with an agenda. We live in a society where Women are paranoid as a result of being oppressed for too long. We live in a society where Men want to get married and still live as though they are single. We live in a society where Women cry for equality yet will only date Men who they think 'can afford them' - talk about being delusional. Are women now a commodity to be afforded?

I do not think Feminism is responsible for the rise in divorce rates rather it's a decline in Men who refuse to be swayed by culture but chose to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself for her. A decline in women who would respect their husbands even when they don't feel like it. A decline in morals and appreciation of family & the sanctity of marriage. An increase in Men who have declared war against Women who clamour for equal treatment and an increase in Women who have declared war against men and inevitably themselves in the name of being feminists is in my opinion the cause of an increase in the rate of divorce.

This Is To Every Woman I Know

Arise little girl, rise up!

Rise from your slumber little one, the woman in you beckons.

Rise up girl and March on, into your destiny, set a trail and others will follow.

Rise up girl, you were created for better things, great exploits, big dreams and a better place.

You were created to climb hills, move mountains, slay dragons and conquer territories.

Rise up little girl, your destiny awaits you…Rise up darling, sleep no more.

Rise up Heroine, grow into the woman you are meant to be.

Enough of settling for crumbs, a larger portion and a better day awaits you.

Rise up girl, there is a battle to be won.

The baton has been passed and now it’s your turn.

Stand up girl, the voices of heroines beckon and matriarchs long gone rely on you.

Rise up girl, too much has been deposited in you and you cannot afford to be complacent.

It’s a tough world but you can take it on.

Rise up Soldier, you have all you need to win this fight.

Rise up sister, let your voice be heard!

You were not meant to be lost in the multitude.

Find your voice, the world will listen if you would only speak up.

Rise up girl, stand up and cower no more in a corner.

Rise up, let your light shine through and bless the world with the gift of you.

Rise up and settle no more for smallness…you are more than what you think.

You are a Heroine, a Goddess, a Queen, a Warrior, a Soldier and a Light in a world so dark and chaotic.

You are ‘the’ breath of fresh air girl…this is your identity.

Rise up and win girl, rise up for the sake of the little ones coming behind you.

Rise up girl, you are she who Kings and Poets past wrote about.

You are she who Princes ought to stand up for, you are the one to give hope to generations.

Rise up Queen, you were born for this.

Stand tall and proud, you were born to win this fight.

Rise up Goddess, you are the joy of nations.

Rise up even if you fall, your scars will be a reminder of battles won.

Rise up and let the world watch in awe as you wear your pain with grace.

Stand up and be the example for your sons and daughters.

Rise up darling, risk it all and leave your footprints on the sands of time.

Arise Warrior Woman, strut your stuff, do your best, fight and win… It’s a command!

Okiemute Don't Kill Ya Self - Lessons I Learned From Playing Football

"Eh, I'm tired o. Please I can't continue anymore, abeg abeg I cannot kill myself". That was me screaming as I laid on a cement block by the side of the space that served as our Football field.

I washed my face with water and drank a little but couldn't swallow so I spat it out. My head throbbed and spinned as I sat up. 'No wonder Footballers get paid millions, ha! This thing is not easy at all' I exclaimed again to my colleagues who laughed and had to take a break because of me.

All I wanted to do was sleep off right there on the field - the Football field.
I had gone to play Football with some colleagues after putting it off for weeks. I really didn't intend to play Football o, what I wanted to do was just run on the treadmill, do sit ups and be fit but a colleague of mine suggested that I join other colleagues for a game of Football and that was how I found myself on the field.

I left my house early this Saturday morning all geared up for the game, arrived the office complex where we were to play Football and started off by jogging round the field ten times at the advice of a colleague.
You should have seen me panting as I counted 5,6,7, 8...and jogged round, I couldn't wait for 10 to come. I almost decided against playing after my jogging because I was sure I had lost all the weight, in fact I could literally feel my abs forming.

My colleague spurred me on and we started the game. Now I'm sure the last time I played Football was 15 or 20 years ago as a child with my brothers and so as I kicked the ball I almost flew off the ground with it.
I felt a sharp pain in my toes..."choi, choi, choi, Okiemute are you sure you want to continue"? I asked myself and then looked at the others (there were 4 of us, 2 males and 2 females and we formed a team of a guy and a girl each), and decided to brace up.
I kicked again and felt the pain.
I had to touch the ball to be sure it wasn't made of rock, or was it my shoes - they were plain black sneakers - maybe they were not built for Football.
I almost protested but kept shut and watched the others, I saw them kick with the side of their foot and followed suit, this time it didn't hurt like before.

We carried on, running, kicking, scoring...ah yes o I scored a goal, I felt proud and was convinced that if I could try playing more I would be more than a Jersey wearing Football fan. "Who knows? I may play for Nigeria someday"...the voice of my team mate jolted me back to reality "Okiemute the ball"! Alas! It was too late, the other team had scored as I was busy dreaming about playing for Nigeria.

Sigh!

I got back in the game played for a few more minutes, hi-fiving my team mate each time we (he) scored.
We carried on with our game until my body told me for the final time that it would fall on the ground and there was nothing anyone would do if I didn't stop to rest. That was when I threw my hands up, screaming as I staggered to the side of our field 'Eh, I'm tired o. Please I can't continue anymore, abeg abeg I cannot kill myself'.

The others had to take a break as they laughed, but I didn't care - I just told myself "Okiemute don't kill ya self, it's just Football and there's no trophy to be won. No crowd will boo you and no President will order your arrest because you didn't win even a Bronze medal, ehen".

My colleague's voice jolted me back to reality, "let's try again, 2 more goals and we will be done".
I just looked at him "na only you waka come o, my body wants to rest" but then my team mate motioned to me, "just stand by the goal post and stop the ball, I'll do the rest of the work".
I looked at him and nodded as I felt strength sipping in. I was helped up to my feet and we got back on the field.

We played - okay I  didn't really play, just stood by the goal post to stop the ball and occasionally throwing and passing it on to my teammate, I also ran into the field a few times.

He scores the 2 goals needed to end the game and that was how we won - I hi-fived him and did my victory dance.

We won 6 - 4, but more importantly I learned valuable lessons.

Firstly, we won not just because we played well but because my teammate refused to give up even when I decided that I was too tired to go on. He simply asked that I stay behind and stop the ball while he fought and tackled the others - that's a valuable lesson about team playing. A good player needs the support of his team mate.

Secondly, I also learned about not just playing to win but enjoying the experience not because winning is not good but it's who you become in the process that matters more. At first I wanted to score goals and ended up prancing up and down ready to knock down my opponents but I got exhausted and decided to just enjoy the game. I enjoyed the game and also won.

Thirdly, don't just win for the sake of winning. I played because I wanted to be fit and being fit would make me healthier, a lot more productive, active and valuable.

Fourthly, don't be so focused on winning that you forget everything else including relationships with yourself and others. We all occasionally joked even as we played and it was an opponent that helped me up to my feet when I decided I was too tired to play.

Lastly, above all else - WIN! Nothing beats the sensation of victory no matter how little. Even when you get tired, never lose focus. I cheered my teammate on and urged him to "score that goal man" even though I was tired.

And we won!

But more than winning I burned enough calories in the process and treated myself to Akara and Custard for breakfast...I hope though that the deep fried Akara doesn't ruin my efforts at burning calories.

When A Guy Wouldn't Say What He Wants

’Why you dey ask me if I love you afterall the things wey I don do? You suppose know by now’… these are lyrics from Bez Idakula’s song ‘You suppose know’ which I am currently listening to and I must confess that it’s one song I never get tired of listening to.

I love the happy feel of the song and it also gets me feeling mushy…even now I am smiling ‘aww, what a beautiful thing to be loved and desired’.

Yes it’s a beautiful thing to be desired but how can one tell when one is desired?

Let me rephrase, how do I know when a man likes me if he doesn’t say it?

 And please don’t tell me you would know by his actions even when he doesn’t say it. Or haven’t you seen guys who act all lovey dovey with you only to deny when you ask if they have feelings?

Mbok, if you would not say what you feel for me and want from me, I will not bother about trying to decipher –I don’t do sign language or erm erm…action language.

I almost tried it once and thank God I asked early if not now how dem shoot bird and im mama fly leave am naim we for dey talk now.

I had an experience recently with a former friend who thought I was supposed to just know I am his girlfriend by his actions.

His exact words were ‘if you were not my girlfriend why would I be doing the things I have done’. By the way the things he referred to are evening outings, movies and him cooking dinner o – so don’t go thinking I spent his money a la Naija girl style.

I looked at him askance ‘bros we never discussed relationship na, am I supposed to read your mind’, and he was offended.

Did I do wrong?

I believe men are capable of actively chasing a woman they want and that includes telling her without mincing words that they want a relationship.

If he does not say he wants a relationship and you assume from his actions that you are in a relationship because of his actions then don’t be surprised when he reminds that he promised you nothing when you clamour for commitment. I interact with enough males – friends, colleagues – to know this.

I wonder though why some guys wouldn’t say what they feel. Maybe it’s the fear of rejection or maybe the fear of commitment. Whatever it is, it reeks of a lack of seriousness and immaturity when a man wouldn’t admit his feelings and expectations expecting a girl to just know.

Some may argue that a guy could say what he thinks a girl wants to hear even if it’s a lie but then you would at least know he said he wanted a relationship and it wasn’t you assuming.

I am not a man and may not understand certain things, so…

Anyway Bez is still singing in the remix where he featured Yemi Alade and as I enjoy this song I will remind myself that if a man wouldn’t be straightforward about his feelings and expectations then he can’t be trusted or taken seriously.

Gracias!

Note To Self - Give Yourself A Chance

The picture above is powerful and captures the reality for some of us. We stay fixated on what we see and forget that it's the invisible roots that help us stand firmly and withstand life's storms.

So I had a conversation with a dear friend today and he noted on how clever and smart I am. I chuckled and retorted thus ‘everyone keeps telling me I am smart and this is not to put myself down, but I expect results of my supposed smartness’

He responded that even if I believed it or not I am smart and that sometimes results take time – results take time.

This has been ringing in my head and I have had to say it to myself results take time.

I know I am smart but it’s easy to question that sometimes because of my expectations.

I remember all the times I have beaten myself up for not having achieved the goals I set for myself and while it is good sometimes, it usually leaves me feeling dissatisfied.

Dissatisfaction and discontent are powerful tools and catalysts for change and sometimes helps us question the rightness of the path we are on but sometimes we need to remind ourselves that results take time even when we are on the right path.

When a tree is planted it would not bear fruits until the time is right even if you feed it with the best fertilizer. The tree may grow tall in a week but fruits will only come ‘at the right time, in due season’.

After conception a mother has to wait nine (9) months for her baby to be born and if the baby is born before the term is completed it would be termed ‘premature’ and even when the baby is born it will need time to sit, crawl, stand, walk and run because results take time.

So what do you do while you await results?

You keep giving your best, keep at what you do, learn, get better and have faith.

Like God told the Israelites while they were on exile in Babylon, Jeremiah 29: 4 – 7, 10 – 11:

⁴ “So says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the captives whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon, ⁵ ‘Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their fruit. ⁶ Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there and do not decrease [in number]. ⁷ Seek peace and well-being for the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf; for in its peace (well-being) you will have peace.’ 

¹⁰ “For thus says the Lord, ‘When seventy years [of exile] have been completed for Babylon, I will visit (inspect) you and keep My good promise to you, to bring you back to this place. ¹¹ For I know the plans and thoughts that I have for you,’ says the Lord, ‘plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope."

Success is not always in what we see, the mental battles you win and the courage to face life and not give up is also success.

As Mary Anne Radmacher said “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, 'I will try again tomorrow.”

So give yourself a chance, enjoy the journey, keep trying and remember that everything good will come because results take time.

Note To Myself - Just Do It

After fiddling with the keyboard of my computer for minutes, I finally decided to write this down not because I don’t have thoughts to share but because I just can’t seem to be able put my thoughts to words.

So here I am writing about the fact that I am fiddling with my keyboard……………………

I have to admit that as much I would love to write more often I am unable to because of so many activities and thoughts that compete for my time – work, work, work and more work.

I mean I would get this great idea and do a one liner/sentence with a decision to write a full article later but at those times I imagine the voice in my head sneering and saying ‘yimu, na today’? ‘How many untouched and incomplete articles do you have?’

And in all honesty I wonder why I can’t write as often as I want or ought to.

Maybe I am not as passionate about this as I thought, I mean passion should trump everything else. Or maybe it’s the discipline that I lack – I think that’s it…discipline.

Why else would I decide to do something and not do it?

Wait, there’s a word for it in the dictionary – it’s called ‘procrastination’. Yes that is it, procrastination that great thief of time has made me not write as often as I would love to.

But who is to blame seeing as procrastination is not a person. Who do I blame for not doing what I ought to do? Work? But I don’t work 24 hours in a day. So? It could be laziness or maybe the challenges of living in this great country Nigeria saps me of inspiration. Sigh! That’s a story for another day.

I could go on and on about why I don’t write as often as I should but that wouldn’t help – I mean who excuse epp?

So I will just try to find passion anyhow, discipline myself – say something like no dinner for me till I write when I should, as if I wouldn’t eat when hunger pangs start – and just write no matter what.

Even if it’s about my neighbour’s dogs that wouldn’t let me sleep sometimes or the undergraduates I sometimes conduct Internship tests for that spell ‘Governor’ as ‘Govonor’ and write ‘Nigeria’ as ‘Naija’ on their test scripts, or even about the fact that the price of goods seem to increase by 200% each time I go to the market that I don’t even bother writing down prices on my shopping list anymore or maybe about the ‘when you go marry’ question that I am greeted with often or even about the fact that I can’t seem to find the inspiration to write when I should.

 I will just write…at all at all naim bad pass as my Warri people would say.

Wow! I have succeeded in writing about not being able to write – there’s hope then.

So going forward I would no longer procrastinate expecting my future self to be more disciplined than my present self.

I will just do it, so expect even the unexpected from me, all na writing, abi no be so?

Xoxo.

This New Year 2017 I Plan To Be More Romantic

I picked up a pen and made to add being more romantic to my list of goals for 2017. 

But does that even make sense? Who makes being romantic a goal? *side eyes at me*

I sat down and replayed the conversation that I had with a dear friend in my head.
The words "you are not romantic and it's not good for a woman" reverberated in my head as I thought of ways to be "more romantic".

Then I thought to myself, "How dare he say that? He's not even my boyfriend for Christ's sake so why should I act romantic with a man I am not in a relationship with?"
"How dare he judge me? Besides aren't men supposed to be the initiators in relationships?"
The voice in my head cut in again,
"why didn't you say that to him while he was still here or you think there's an iota of truth in what he said?"

The questions and conversations in my head just went on and on.

This romance thing sef, are there people born naturally romantic? Cos some of us are too practical for the mushy stuff.

In case you are wondering what all this is about, here's what happened...
I was having a simple and friendly conversation with a friend who had come to see me. As he made to leave, I saw him off to his car and as we made small talk with me leaning against his car he blurted out the words "you are not romantic and it's not good for a woman".
I retorted by asking why he said that and he listed the qualities that makes one "romantic/emotional". Our conversation went on till he left.

That was when the conversation in my head started.
Now I know I may be taking this too seriously but truth is it's not the first time someone wouldn't be saying this to me so maybe they see something I am not seeing and maybe I need to make corrections.
"So how do I become more romantic?"

I proceeded to write a list of romantic things to do but all that came to my mind would probably make any man scared. I mean how would you as a guy react to a girl you are not in a relationship with sending you flowers? Or calling several times a day just because I'm thinking of you? Or asking you to go to the movies? Or going out for a burger or pizza or to do Karaoke? Or any other fun activity?
Talk about the recipe for disaster.

Assuming these are too far fetched and I chose to tow my friend's line of how romance works, I can't imagine being all over a man in the name of showering him with love and attention.
And then, aren't all these things men initiate?
I asked that question severally until a phrase dropped in my heart " from the beginning it was not so".
Those were Christ's words when he was asked about divorce and I wondered what that had to do with the questions about romance in my head.

I dropped my pen in frustration...maybe I'm taking this thing too seriously, I cannot come and go and kee myself.
I proceeded to continue the book I'm currently reading by Joshua Harris 'boy meets girl: say hello to courtship' and there I got it from the 7th chapter - 'If boys would be men, would girls be ladies'.
I had a eureka moment and answers to my questions on being more romantic.
Joshua in simple words wrote about the the roles men and women ought to play in relationships - a man should be the initiator and not take a passive, couch-potato stance in a relationship.

This hit home - from the beginning it was not so.

There are roles men ought to play in a relationship and there are roles for women too, so maybe I am not the unromantic one, maybe boys no longer know how to be men or simply refuse to be men as such there's no gesture of romance for me to respond to.

Talking about romance also, the opinion I have gotten of what romance is seems warped.
A man wants my body and sees it as romance when he hasn't even touched my mind. What happened to stimulating conversations?
He wants me moaning in ecstasy under him when he doesn't even know what makes me laugh, sober or fired up.

So you see, the romance thing isn't entirely my fault. These boys wouldn't put in work and maybe it's because girls these days have become aggressive and taken up the role of the initiator.

But I think I too could start being romantic as well - so I will start by making plans and taking notes of romantic things to do - for me.

I will make an effort at being romantic but I will begin with me.

The Story of Samson: When Love Becomes A Bad Thing

If you have ever spent time with me then you may have heard me ask why parents name their children Samson. Or aren't names believed to have a significant impact in a child's life?

So why Samson?

I would never name my child Samson. Even if I have 200 sons and run out of names I would rather call my child 'Name' than call him 'Samson'.

"Ahn Okiemute it's not that deep na or did a man called Samson steal your money and broke your heart?"

No.

I don't even personally know anyone called Samson. Maybe as a surname but not as a name.
'So why wouldn't you name your child Samson?' You may ask.

It's because of the first man who bore that name. Remember him?

The Nazarite, Manoah's son who was the strongest man in the Bible.

Remember him now?

The man who fell in love with Delilah na? Ehen!

Now you know him and by the way Delilah is another name I'm sure most people wouldn't give to their daughters.

Now back to my story about Samson.

Samson was the strongest man in the Bible physically but the weakest in my opinion emotionally and that was his undoing.

His biggest mistake was falling in love - with the wrong woman.

This is not to say falling in love is wrong but when you let your feelings control you then it can be a bad thing - that's a lesson I learned from Samson.

I'll go on to list other lessons I learned from Samson and I hope they help you understand why I wouldn't name my son Samson but first let me give you a brief story about him.

Samson was born at a time when Israel was under the bondage of the Philistines. He was born a Nazarite to a woman who was barren and his sole purpose was to deliver Israel from the Philistine. In order to fulfill that purpose God gave him supernatural strength and his secret was his hair - his hair was to never be cut or he would lose his strength.

So our beloved Samson grew to be strong, no razor touched his hair (as a Nazarite) and he did help Israel fight the Philistines.

Imagine one man pulling up a whole city gate and running uphill with it. That was Samson. He killed a Lion with his bare hands as well as about a thousand Philistines with the jaw bone of an ass - singlehandedly.

Samson was so strong that no man could stand or overpower him as such the Philistines had to send a woman to do the job of bringing Samson down.

Her name was Delilah.

Samson fell in love with Delilah knowing well that she was an enemy and that marked the beginning of the end for him - and his purpose.

So back to the mistakes Samson made:

1. Samson let his feelings control him. When Delilah asked him the source of his strength, Samson lied 3 times and on all occasions she tried to get the Philistines to kill him. That was enough for anyone to be cautious but not Samson. After her third trial Delilah flipped the script and told him if you love me you would tell me the truth - she appealed to his feelings and he ignored the fact that Delilah was no good for him.
Feelings make us human but when we let our feelings override the truth/fact it can make us weak and hurt us.
Never trust your feelings or emotions else they mislead you.

2. Samson willfully lived carelessly and abused God's mercy that he didn't know when God left him - Judges 16:20b says "but he did not know that the Lord had left him". This means we can get so lost in sin while singing about grace till God decides to just leave us and that's what Apostle Paul calls a reprobate mind.
So all may still seem normal as it was with Samson but with time the consequences of our actions will start showing.

3.Samson made Delilah an Idol by giving her greater priority than he gave to God. His desire for Delilah was deeper than his devotion to God.
Samson didn't worship God and never thanked God even all the times he defeated the Philistines. Instead he spent more time chasing women, little wonder he didn't know when God left him - he never truly desired God and his desires (women) brought about his downfall.

In summary, Samson was captured, imprisoned and his eyes were plucked out. The strongest man died with the Philistines - the same people he was supposed to deliver Israel from.
He never fulfilled his purpose because he got distracted and Israel were once again back to being in bondage.

Now you see why I would never understand why parents name their sons Samson and why I would never name my child after him - he abused love and is an example of how our weakness can overpower our strength, causing us and those dependent on us harm.

The Gift of A Second Chance

One of the most important lessons I have learned in life is that everyone deserves a second chance no matter what they have done. 
Before you say 'Okiemute e be like say person never do you strong thing before", remember also the time you showed others pepper and hurt them. We give people second chances because we too will at various times in our lives need second, third, fourth, fifth...chances. You see now?
Another lesson I have learned is that when we get a second chance in life we ought to accept it and not hold on to our mistakes. Let go of your mistakes and strive to do better.
One remarkable example of this is the story of the Adulterous woman in the Bible. She committed adultery and the penalty according to the law was death by stoning - I wonder why no one said anything about the man she cheated with. 
She was to be killed but Jesus Christ gave her back her life by simply making her accusers empathize with her. 
When the people asked Jesus his opinion on her sin as Moses law commanded that such a person be stoned to death, he responded saying
"He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her".
He had asked them to put themselves in her shoes and decide if they would love to be condemned like that. Thank God it was a crowd of honest albeit hypocritical people. 
They dropped their stones and walked  away, and when the woman affirmed to Jesus that no one condemned her, he simply told her to "go and sin no more". 
She got a second chance at life and I hope she took it. I hope she forgave herself, asked her husband's forgiveness and lived more honourably.
Second chances are gifts that should be cherished and when God gives us a second chance in life, health, relationships, finances, it's our duty to accept his gift and make him glad.
These second chances come to us with each new day so do not let your mistakes hold you back from living well. 
It's a new year and a chance to get it right again - savour it, enjoy it and bless others with it. 
Happy New Year!

Take Me, Break Me, Make Me

Take me and break me. 

Take this thing called flesh, this part of me that's strayed from you and betrays me...take it and break it. 

Take all that is contrary to your desire for me - people and things...take and break them. 

Take these walls of carnality and the desire to please the flesh...take it and break it. 

Take my wanton desires, lust, pride, ego, selfishness and disobedience...take it and break it. 

Take my body, this vessel that is meant to be your dwelling place...take it and break it. 

Take my eyes, ears, nose, mouth, hands and feet. Take them and let me see, hear, perceive, talk and walk in the light of your love...take me and break me. 

Take my mind, thoughts, emotions, hopes and dreams...take them and break them. 

Take my insecurities, doubts and fears...take them and break them. 

Take every cell, tissue, bone, blood, organ and system in my body...take them and break them. 

When in life's journey I get weighed down, distracted and disconnected from you...take me and break me all over again. 

Take all that I am and hope to be, take me, break me, mould me and fill me up. 

My desire Lord is that you take me, break me and make me like only you can - a vessel fit for the master's use. 

Does God Give And Take Away?

It's easy for us to chant and sing about God's goodness until life deals us a heavy blow.

A friend recently told me about another friend of his that was killed by armed robbers. He was shot in the presence of his heavily pregnant wife and their two children. Now tell me what word of encouragement will be good enough to console this young widow? Do you console her by telling her that God gives and takes away? What kind of good God gives and then takes away? Do you tell her to thank God because her husband is in a better place? I'm sure she will ask you why God didn't send your husband to a better place instead of hers. What will she tell her child when he is born? 

Words wouldn't just do in the face of pain, loss, illness and challenges.

Oftentimes we console those who have suffered loss that 'God gives and takes away' and Pastors/Ministers even say this at funerals. 
It was Job who said this in Job 1:21 'the Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away blessed be the name of the Lord' when he suffered the loss of his children and property. 
This attitude of Job in the face of loss shows he is not a fair-weather believer which is great but that doesn't make him right - God doesn't give and then take away and Christ clearly explained this when he said in John 10:10 - "The thief cometh not but for to steal to kill and to destroy: I am come that they might have life and that they might have it more abundantly".
The Apostle James aptly put it also when he wrote in James 1:17 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming from the Father of heavenly light, who does not change like shifting shadows". 
Christ gives us life to the full and not in half measures and God does not change his mind after he blesses us. His gifts are not just good but are also perfect.

If you are like me, you may be tempted to ask why then do we suffer loss and pain? We must understand that while we are in the world we will suffer loss and experience pain and Christ reminded us of this when he said "I have told you these things that in me ye might have peace; on earth there will be tribulations but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world" John 16:33.

How we deal with pain and loss however is a different matter altogether and it determines what becomes of us when the 'storm' passes.

A wise man once touted that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and experience has proven this statement to be true - we are always better when the storm passes. 
I have learned also that trusting God in the face of pain is a way of demonstrating our faith in him.

Pain can help us lose every sense of self-reliance if we learn to depend on God for strength and may reveal to us the depth of his love.

You may be hurting now and may have questioned God's goodness and presence in the midst of your pain but you must understand that 'God is good' and this goodness isn't dependent on what he does or doesn't do - he 'IS' good, goodness is his nature. God is also faithful and wouldn't let you be tempted beyond what you can bear - he always provides a way for you to endure if you depend on him 1 Corinthians 10:13.

So whatever it is you are dealing with or may have to deal with in future remember the words of the great Apostle Paul to the Romans "and we know that in all things God works for the good of them that love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28. 
Know that pain is an inevitable part of living but it also stretches us and shows us inner strength that we never knew we possessed. Life was not meant to be lived without God - through good and bad times we need him.
The storm always passes, the tears always stops, your heart will heal, you will smile again and hopefully then you will be able to exclaim like Paul "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us" Romans 8:37.